How to Save a Life
by Miss Fenway
Summary: "One is good, but four is better."  Maybe if he had listened to their own song, he wouldn't have tried to fix things by himself.  Because instead of making things better, he made them worse.  NO SLASH!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N. Today I watch my yearly football game. The Superbowl. Go Packers! That is all. I'm having a little Writer's Block with 'Head On Collision' so bear with me as I begin yet another multi-chapter story. As usual, I have no idea how long it's going to be. I'm just going to see where it takes me. Yes, it is based after the song 'How to Save a Life' by The Fray and my take on what the lyrics mean. Oh, and I am dedicatng this story to FallingToFly, one of my most loyal reviewers and best friends on this site. I told her about this forever ago but I wouldn't say what it was about because I'm mean and like to tease people. Just ask my friend Lauren lol. Anyway, Merry Christmas, happy birthday and I love you even though this is super late. I fail, you know that. I love you. I don't own anything.**

He jerked away from his friend's grasp, stumbling backwards slightly when he was let go more easily than he thought he would be. Tears stung his eyes and blurred his vision but he could still see them all staring at him with their eyes wide in disbelief and their mouths hanging open in shock. He could see the disappointment and the judgment in their expressions and worst of all he could see that they were crying as well. He had made them cry. What kind of person made his best friends cry? A terrible person. He was a terrible person. Terrible people didn't deserve to live.

Yet, he was reached out for once again, the familiar eyes begging him to stay and listen. "Let us help you." His friend said in a broken voice, choked by tears. "Please. Just. . . you need help. Let us help you."

By now his hands were shaking, a classic symptom of withdrawal. His lungs felt tight with panic and inside his chest, his heart raced uncomfortably. He tried to still the nervous tremor in his hands by shoving them in his pockets and found the palms slick with sweat. Another symptom of withdrawal. His head was aching too. And just like that it was easy to forget about his friends. Not completely because they were still standing right in front of him looking as hurt as ever, but enough to have the guilt temporarily eased.

A hand on his shoulder surprised him so much that he jumped what seemed like a foot in the air. No. He couldn't get help now. Not the kind of help they wanted to give him. He needed the help that he had been depending on for months now. He closed his eyes and tried to visualize the tiny pills, in different shapes and sizes and even colors, creating a sort of rainbow in the palm of his hand. That alone was enough to give him his voice back.

He cleared his throat and opened his eyes to see his friends all watching him in concern. Maybe they thought he was hallucinating or something. He wished he was hallucinating. He wished that they were still oblivious to his problem. But now they knew. Just the same he couldn't let them stop him from getting what he needed. He shrugged of the hand and glared at them. It caught them off guard and they stepped back, giving him enough space to bolt past them and run up the stairs.

"Wait!" Instantly, they were on his heels, like dogs tracking a fox at a hunt. They pounded up the stairs after him. He was outnumbered and usually, when they worked as a team they were unbeatable. But they were divided in their panic and tripped over one another giving him just enough time to reach his room and slam the door, locking it behind him. "Let us in!" Their three voices were united as one, demanding and yet pleading at the same time.

"No!" His voice cracked unexpectedly but he was surprised that he could still speak at all. "I don't want or need your help!" Denial. He was a drug addict and he did need their help more than anything else in the world. He wanted it too. But he didn't deserve it and all he could think about right now was getting "help".

D.A.R.E. It stood for Drug Abuse Resistance Education. When they were in middle school, a police officer had come to their health class and gave them a thirty minute lecture on such dangers. They had listened with rapt attention because it was really quite fascinating. But the minute the bell rang they rushed to their next classes, only briefly dwelling on the man's words and wondering how a person could be so stupid. They promised each other that they wouldn't do that to one another. Because the one thing that had stuck to their minds was how drugs didn't just hurt the person using them, but the family members and friends of that person would be hurt as well.

Now he had broken that promise. His friends were in a living hell on earth because of him. He hated himself for damaging that trust they had held in him for all these years. He could still hear them on the other side of the door, threatening to break through if he didn't let them in within five minutes. He was surprised that they were giving him so much time but grateful. Five minutes was plenty of time to d what he needed to do.

Now that he was sure relief was coming, the shaking in his hands had died down enough so that he could overturn his bed mattress and slide his fingers into the slit he had made when they first came back from the tour. He chuckled humorlessly as he thought of the tour. That was when it all started. Because he was too much of a baby and couldn't sleep on the bus. He had been prescribed sleeping pills and it had all gone downhill from there.

He had tried to keep his secret but they knew him too well and caught on within a month. He denied it and they believed him at first. But when they caught him red-handed things changed and became more difficult. They gave him one last chance and hid all the medications not expecting him to resort to desperate measures. But they were traveling the country at that time, stopping in all sorts of cities. As horrible as it was, it wasn't that hard to find a drug dealer on a street corner that was willing to help him out for a price.

For a price. It had all come at an unimaginable price. The drugs had affected his ability to perform so much that the fans had noticed and the band's popularity went down the tubes. They had affected his school work so that no amount of help could save his plummeting grades. But most importantly, they had affected his relationships. They didn't trust him anymore.

Trust is a very fragile gift. When you wrong someone, they may forgive you right away. But it's not the same with trust. No matter how much that person may love you and forgive you, it will take some time before they can fully trust you again. He knew this. Twelve years of trust and he had thrown it all away for the stupid pills.

His fingers closed around plastic and he yanked the bag out, sighing in relief when he saw his rainbow colored "helpers" dancing around inside. He didn't have that much time. He had to hurry. The bag wouldn't open on it's own right away so he simply tore it open, completely desperate now. Some of the pills flew out and scattered across the floor, He lunged for them like a wild half human and scrambled to collect them.

Once he was sure he had a significant amount clutched in his fist, he sat down on the edge of the bed. He didn't need water anymore. He had been doing this for so long. Two at a time and he would be fine. He looked upward at his ceiling and tossed the first two pills in his mouth. They slid down his throat and immediately, he could feel his senses calming down. That was enough.

But he didn't stop. He could hear one of his friends tell the others that they needed to get the door open right away and he hurried to rid himself of the pills and rid three of the best people in the world of one of the worst people in the world. His brain grew fuzzy and the yelling outside his room was dimmed and drowned out by a roaring in his ears. His vision was blurred and even when he blinked it didn't clear the fog. It was incredibly hard to breathe now and his heart was pounding but the beats were growing slower and slower. The empty bag fell from his hands that were shaking once again and he fell back against his pillows.

Just then the door was flung open and his friends came charging in. He could make out three blurry blobs just ahead of him and he assumed they were the faces of his friends. They were too late. He as dying. Soon they wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. He wouldn't be a burden to them anymore.

But then he heard sobbing. The sound cut through his impaired thinking. They were all sobbing so hard that he could tell it was hard for them to breathe. That was when it came to him. A thought so dim at first because he could hardly think straight. But gradually, that thought cut through the darkness and changed everything.

They didn't hate him. They didn't want him to die. His friends didn't want him to die. They wanted him to live. They wanted him to get better. They didn't care what happened after that. All they wanted was him to be okay again. And with that revelation came another one. It was less clear than the first because he was dying. The life was fading from him even though his friends were screaming at him to hold on. But it came all the same. He didn't want to die either. He wanted to live. He wanted to get better. He didn't care what happened after that. He just wanted to get better.

But by now, the mixed variety of drugs he had so hastily consumed were working their evil magic and killing him. He was scared. He reached out blindly and his fingers closed around someone's hand. His own grasp was weak but his friend wasn't letting him go. "Please," He heard and tears crowded his eyes at the broken voice. "Please just hang on. Help is coming. Don't leave us."

He wanted to tell them so much. He wanted to explain to them why he had done what he had done. It had made so much sense in the beginning. He thought it would help. But now it had only broken things, perhaps beyond repair. What was he leaving behind? He had taken the coward's way out and his friends, his best friends in the entire world, were going to be left behind in pain and suffering and agony. He wanted to tell them that everything would be okay. He wanted to tell them to not be afraid because he would get better. But he didn't have that much time.

He gave the hand a gentle squeeze because he didn't have enough strength left to do anything else. But it worked. He had their attention. A hand came under his head and cradled it gently as he was brought closer to them. He couldn't tell if his face was wet because of his own tears or because of the tears that fell from three pairs of eyes. He shook slightly in his friend's arms because they were both crying so hard. But he forced his mouth open and uttered two words in a voice that was just barely a whisper. "I'm sorry."

Sorry could never be enough for what he had done. But it was all he had. The voices rose in desperation as his eyelids fluttered shut and closed, enveloping him in a darkness. But an even greater darkness tugged at him, pulling him toward unconsciousness and then death. He was so close. He could hear them begging him to stay with them and then he could hear other voices in the room that he somehow figured out were the paramedics his friends had called.

"Hang on."

"Don't leave us."

"Please."

That was the last thing he knew.

**A/N. I like prologues. -nods- I also, if you haven't noticed, like writing fictional stories based on real life struggles that people go through. 'How to Save a Life' is a tragic song but an important message that I hope you all realize. So. . . review?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N. 'The Scientist' by Coldplay is a very sad song with a very sad music video. It's one of my favorite songs ever. Anyone out there a Coldplay fan? 'The Scientist' and 'Fix You'. LOVE. Anyway, that was random and has nothing to do with anything. I don't own anything.**

"Kendall!"

Kendall jumped at the loud, unexpected voice that was inches from his ear. "Carlos!" He exclaimed, backing quickly away. "What?"

Carlos frowned and sighed. "I can't fit all of my clothes in my suitcase. Can you come and help me?"

Kendall looked at his own suitcase and sighed. It was nearly empty. He wasn't making much progress. He ran a hand through his blonde hair, resigned. "Sure, Carlitos. Lead me to the culprit." The two boys left Kendall's room and entered Carlos' room. Kendall maneuvered carefully around the piles of clothes and toys and random junk that covered his younger friend's floor. "Carlos, you really need to clean up."

"No I don't." Carlos disagreed lightly. "Not today anyway. We're leaving and we're not coming back until the end of the summer. I won't be here. No one will. So why does my room need to be clean?"

Before Kendall could answer there was a laugh from the door and they turned to see James and Logan standing there. James looked amused while Logan looked disgusted. "How can you argue with that logic, Kendall?" James asked as he gingerly stepped into the room.

"It's not logic, James." Logan disagreed with a roll of his eyes. "It's just an excuse and-"

"Carlos, what in the world did you put in this thing?" Kendall asked as he struggled to close the top of Carlos' suitcase.

"Um. . . clothes? Toiletries? A few entertainment devices and some reading material?" Carlos smiled innocently.

Logan crossed the room and with Kendall's help, began to empty the suitcase. "Comic books. . . every video game and DVD we've ever owned and. . ." Logan gave a hard tug and pulled a long object from the bottom of the suitcase, upsetting the small pile of clothes Carlos had actually packed. "Really, Carlos?"

"I need my light saber!" Carlos insisted. He grabbed one end of the toy and tried to pull it from Logan's grasp. "Come on, Logan. Please?"

While James sat and laughed at his two friends battling for the light saber, Kendall exchanged the comic books, games and movies for more clothes and then swiftly pulled the zipper closed. "Okay!" He said cheerfully. "All packed!"

"What?" Carlos released his end of the light saber, sending Logan tumbling to the floor where he landed in a pile of laundry. "Whoops. Sorry, Logie. Don't worry, that's clean." He helped Logan back up and then whirled around to face Kendall. "Kendall, clearly I am not "all packed". I mean, what. . ." He spread his arms out at the discarded items. "What is this?"

"This," Kendall indicated to the packed suitcase. "Is all you're going to need for the tour. You won't need all of _that."_

Carlos frowned, looking defeated. "But why do I need so many clothes?"

"Because we're going to be gone for three months." Logan pointed out. "We'll be riding on a tour bus and only doing laundry once a week when we stay a hotel for the night. You're going to need all of those clothes, Carlos. Believe us."

"'What's wrong with wearing the same clothes a few days in a row?" Carlos asked.

"What about a underwear?" James smirked, looking triumphant.

But Carlos gave him a look as if the answer was obvious. "You just have to turn them inside-out and it's like-"

"Carlos!" Logan looked appalled, James was horrified and Kendall was torn between laughing and giving Carlos a lesson on basic hygiene. "That's. . . you should stop doing that."

Carlos shrugged. "If you say so, Logie. But I still think I should be able to take my light saber." He clutched the plastic stick closer to him and looked at Kendall. "Please? Kenny?"

Kendall bit his lip, determined not to give in until Carlos pulled out his nickname. "Fine." He relented. "And you can pick six comic books and four games and movies each. I think they'll fit. But that's all. Deal?"

"Deal!" Carlos said happily. He quickly undid the zipper and stuffed the comic books, DVDs and video games into the suitcase. However when it came time to fit the coveted light saber, Carlos failed. "Kendall, it won't fit!"

"Carlos, why do you want to take it so much anyway?" Logan pressed.

Carlos rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "Uh. . . you know. In case we get attacked by an army of clones or. . . because I just want to."

Finally, a smile tugged at the corners of Logan's lips and he chuckled. "Okay. Guess what. I have just enough room in my suitcase for-"

"Thanks, Logie!" Carlos flung his arms around Logan in a tight hug. "You guys are the best!"

"Come on," Logan freed himself from the stranglehold Carlos had on him and took the light saber. "I'll go pack this up and you take your stuff down stairs. Kendall and James, finish packing." Logan grinned when the three of them saluted him smartly and he shook his head as he left Carlos' messy room for his own neat room to add a toy to his perfectly organized suitcase.

"Boys, are you almost- why is Carlos the first one ready?" Mrs. Knight asked from the foot of the stairs.

"Default, Mom." Kendall informed her as he returned to his room to finish packing. "The rest of us had to help him organize."

"As usual." James added, shaking his head in amusement.

Mrs. Knight shook her head. "Well, the rest of you had better finish then. Gustavo wants you on the road in twenty minutes and you haven't eaten any breakfast yet."

James grimaced and headed back to his room muttering something about being too nervous to eat. Kendall gave his mother a thumbs up and then hurried to finish his packing. When he emerged with a full suitcase he met James and the two boys hurried downstairs to throw their luggage in the tour bus. Logan and Carlos were already seated at the breakfast table waiting for them.

Soon everyone was seated around the table. Mrs. Knight heaped the boys' plates high with her special homemade pancakes. "Dig in." She said with a smile. "This is the last home cooked meal you boys will have in a while."

Carlos looked briefly horrified before he obeyed and dove into his pancakes, first smothering them in butter and then nearly drowning them in maple syrup. "I'm gonna miss you and Katie, Mama K." He said with a mouthful of food. "And your home cooking."

"Well, we'll miss you too, sweetie." Mrs. Knight smiled. "All of you."

"I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet." Katie remarked, earning a look of disapproval from her mother. "What? Is that wrong?"

"Thanks, Katie." Kendall said with a roll of his eyes. "It's nice to know you're going to miss us so much. How long are we going to be gone again? Three months?"

"Shut up." Katie frowned. "You idiots, you know I'll miss you. It'll be weird without you here. I think I'll get sick of the quiet after about a week. Why can't I go again?"

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Sweetie, we've been through this before. The tour is going to be grueling. The boys are going to be driving all over the country for three months. I don't want you to have to go through that too."

Kendall looked worried. "Mom, we're going to be fine. It'll be a blast. What can be more fun than performing concerts practically every day and hanging out with each other? It's not like we're going to have any school work to do either. It's summer."

"I know, Kendall. I'm just worried that you might find that it's not going to be as easy as you think it is. Sure you're going to have fun at the concerts and with your fans but you're going to be so busy. It's not all going to be fun and games."

James looked serious as he spoke up. "Exactly. We're going to be working really hard so we get more popular. We can't screw up."

"My point is that it's going to be an exhausting three months for all of you and I just hope that you'll be okay." Mrs. Knight smiled at all of them. "I want all four of my boys happy and healthy when they get home at the end of the tour."

"We'll take care of each other." Kendall promised. "And Gustavo and Kelly will too. I mean, Gustavo will only take care of us because if we get sick or hurt we won't be able to perform but Kelly-"

"Aw, Kendall." Carlos jumped up from the table and cleared away his plate. "Gustavo cares. He just doesn't know how to show it."

Kendall looked unconvinced but nodded, not wanting to start an argument so early in the day. He glanced at the clock on the wall and stood up, empty plate in hand. "I think we'd better head downstairs, guys." He told James and Logan. "I'll head down there now with Carlos to make sure he doesn't accidentally kill anyone in his sugar rush but hurry up okay?" He hurried after Carlos with Mrs. Knight and Katie right behind him.

"James, eat a little more." Logan urged.

James groaned and pushed his plate away. "I think I'm going to be sick." He muttered, ducking away from Logan trying to feel his forehead. "I'm just nervous. I don't think I can eat right now."

Logan frowned in disapproval. "Well then finish your orange juice and eat an apple or something later."

In spite of his nerves, James laughed. "Yes, Doctor Mitchell." He teased as he stood up. "Come on, let's go. We don't want to keep anyone waiting."

The two boys set their dishes carefully in the sink and took one last look at Apartment 2J before they hurried down to the lobby. Carlos was bouncing impatiently outside in front of their big tour bus while Kendall fell victim to his mother's reluctance at letting her son out of her sight for more than a weekend.

"Mom, we'll call every day." The blonde tried to free himself or at least loosen the tight hold she had on him without hurting her feelings. "I promise. If we forget, then just call us. But I'm sure Kelly or Logan will remind us."

"They'd better." Mrs. Knight sniffed, trying to look stern. "But you'd better not forget anyway." She let go of Kendall so she could hug Logan goodbye.

Logan's reluctance at being embraced in such a way was practically non-existent. He had been adopted into the Knight family when he his father died when the boys were just fourteen. His mother had died long before then in a car accident with Logan when Logan was only six. Mrs. Mitchell had died instantly while Logan was left with a small scar on his left hand and an empty space in his heart until Mrs. Knight took him under her wing. While Kendall was slightly embarrassed by his mother's affections in front of all his peers, Logan had been deprived of a mother's love for too long and easily accepted the show of affection. "We'll call, don't worry." He assured her as he stepped away.

Mrs. Knight then gave James and Carlos hugs and watched with misty eyes and Katie said her own goodbyes to each of the boys. Then they stepped back and watched as the boys all climbed into the bus and waved until they pulled away and could no longer be seen.

Kendall sighed and leaned his head against the window, watching for his mother and little sister until he couldn't even see Palm Woods anymore. "I know it's silly." He said thoughtfully. "But I'm going to miss them. I've never been apart from them for so long." It was more than that though. When Kendall's parents divorced when he was eleven, Kendall had become the man of the house. Now he felt like he was leaving his mother and Katie vulnerable without him there to protect them. But he didn't say it aloud. He didn't need to. His friends understood.

"They'll be fine." Logan said confidently. "They'll be busy and we'll be busy and before any of us knows it, we'll be back and starting school."

James groaned and clapped a hand over Logan's mouth. "Shhh. Don't say that word!" He protested. "We just finished, Logan. It's summer. Time to tour the country as Big Time Rush and see all the fans we have and get some more. Time to be famous!"

Logan laughed at the way James' eyes lit up as he talked about their band reaching a new level of fame. It didn't seem impossible anymore but it still seemed so crazy. Logan couldn't wrap his head around the idea that people would come see them perform or buy their CD or ask for their autographs. But it was happening. "Okay, then." He said with a nod. "I won't mention it. What are we going to do then?"

Carlos considered the question seriously. "Well, first we have to pick Gustavo and Kelly up from their houses and then we. . ." He looked to Kendall for help.

"Then we drive to Arizona for our first concert." Kendall finished for him. "After that. . . the circus begins."

"The famous circus!" Jame proclaimed. "Don't be so pessimistic, Kendall."

"I'm being realistic, James." Kendall corrected. "This isn't going to be easy."

"But it'll all be worth it if we can pull it off." James said seriously.

Carlos thrust a deck of cards at Logan. "Let's warm up with Go Fish." He said and grinned when Logan merely shrugged and began dealing the cards. "Of course we'll pull it off, James." He said optimistically. "We can do anything as long as we stick together."

"Which we will." Kendall was back to his old confident self. "We always have and we always will."

"So then stop worrying!" Carlos patted Kendall hard on the back. He moved to do the same thing to James but dropped his hand when he saw the warning look on James' face. "Seriously though, guys. We're not going to have any fun if we worry all the time. So chill."

Logan shook his head. "I can't believe I'm saying this but Carlos is right. Big Time Rush isn't any good if we're not ourselves and we're not having fun. So let's take it one day at a time. For now, we're stuck on the bus for a few hours until we get to Arizona so. . . Kendall, do you have any eights?"

The blonde scanned his handful of cards before smirking and shaking his head. "Go fish, Logie."

**A/N. This is what happens when I write an entirely angst free chapter. Were you bored out of your mind or actually amused at my poor attempt at humor? Let me know in a review! Oh, and go vote on my poll! Thanks so much for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N. I knew the last chapter wouldn't get as many reviews as the first haha. It was incredibly boring to write. Now, I should feel really bad for saying that but. . . I don't. Hopefully, this will get angsty fast. I don't own anything.**

"Carlos, will you please stop talking for five minutes?" Kendall begged. "You've driving me crazy." He tossed a pillow at Carlos who was bouncing impatiently in his seat.

"But I'm bored!" Carlos exclaimed with a dramatic sigh. "When are we going to get there?"

Logan looked up briefly from his book to answer him. "We'll get there when we get there which should be approximately four hours and thirty-six minutes." He sighed and closed the book, turning to gaze out the window. "Two weeks in and I think we're all ready to head home." He muttered.

But James shook his head violently. "No way, Logie. We just need to. . ." He paused and tried to muffle a yawn. "We just need to adjust." He finished in a mumble.

Kendall caught James' yawn next and leaned back against his seat. "Adjust? Is it really that simple, James? I don't think we were prepared enough for this. I mean, except for Carlos," His eyes landed on the youngest boy who had stopped bouncing up and down but continued to drum his fingers on the table in front of him. "None of us have been sleeping well and we're all tired and-"

"Getting sick of each other." Logan murmured quietly. He sighed and closed his tired eyes. "That's because even if we wanted to escape each other for a little while we can only go so far in this bus." He gestured limply around him. It was a nice, large and comfortable bus, but he was right. They could only go so far.

"Come on, guys!" James said as optimistically as he could. "We still have two and a half months left!"

At that even Carlos groaned. "Don't remind us, James." Kendall begged. "I don't know how we're going to make it."

James frowned. "Kendall, we have to." He said firmly. "This is-"

"Important." Kendall interrupted. "We know, we know." He stopped when he saw the hurt in James' eyes. "I'm sorry, man. I'm just. . . so tired. Of course we'll get used to it and have a great time. It's just taking longer than I thought it would."

"You're just tired because you're not used to not getting much sleep like us." Logan pointed to James. "We've been insomniacs for a while now, Kendall. So I guess we're ahead of the game. But," He added, rubbing his temple with his fingertips in an attempt to ward of an approaching headache. "I have to admit, this is a little different."

"I don't know why you all aren't sleeping." Carlos shook his head. "I'm so tired at the end of the day that I'm asleep as soon as I lay down."

Logan shrugged. "I don't know about James and Kendall but it's a few reasons for me. One is just that I've never slept well and on top of everything else. . . I just lay around and try not to stress about the next day but I do anyway. And. . ." He added as he reached up to rub his left shoulder. "Those bunks aren't exactly the most comfortable beds I've ever slept in."

"I agree." James rolled his eyes. "But it's been getting a little better for me. I think just because like Carlos said, I'm so tired when the day ends that I just have to sleep whether I want to or not. Or course, I do want to sleep."

Kendall nodded. "Yeah, I don't know. I think about my mom and Katie a lot." He said quietly.

Logan regarded him carefully. "They're fine though. I mean, they miss us of course but I think they're definitely relaxing more than we are."

"I know," Kendall said quickly. "It's just weird being away from them for so long. And we still have so much time left on this tour."

Concern came into Logan's brown eyes and he smiled. "But we'll get through it." He reminded his friend as he tried to smother a yawn. "We always do."

Kendall was usually the one to give the pep talks but his friends learned from him and Logan's encouraging reminder brought a smile to Kendall's face. "I know," He said gratefully. "And as sick as I am of all of you right now, I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else."

"Same here." Logan nodded. He glanced at his watch and stood up. "I think I'm going to lay down for an hour or something." He said, rubbing a hand over his face. "I don't think I slept at all last night." He tried to say it jokingly, brushing the matter aside, but it didn't work.

"Really?" The homesick look left Kendall's face and was replaced by one of worry. "I know I haven't been sleeping well, but at least I've been sleeping." He stared at Logan, the pale face and the dark shadows mirroring his own.

Logan bit his lip and nodded reluctantly, then watched as Carlos' bouncing stilled altogether and he, James and Kendall all stared at him. "It's no big deal." He said in a rush. "I just-"

"Have you been sleeping at all?" James interrupted, forgetting about the tour itself in his worry for his friend.

"Yes," Logan said quickly. "Just not last night." He wasn't about to admit it but unlike Kendall and James, he was pretty sure that his insomnia was actually getting worse instead of better. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get comfortable in the narrow bunk. The noises of the highway and the bus itself also kept him awake The anxiety he always felt for the day ahead did nothing to help him drift off and he found it harder and harder to get through the day when it finally came.

Kendall stood up and took his friend by the elbow and led him into the small bedroom where a pair of bunk beds lined each side. James and Carlos followed and both sat down on a lower bunk, watching.

"Kendall-" Logan began, embarrassed by the sudden fuss.

But Kendall held firmly to Logan until he pushed him gently down on the second bottom bunk. "Logan, are you okay?" He asked seriously. "I mean, I'm no doctor but I know that sleep is important especially when you're really busy."

"Kendall, it was just one night that I didn't sleep at all." Logan insisted. "I've been sleeping the other nights."

"How long?" Kendall remained standing, waiting for Logan's answer.

"Um," Logan briefly toyed with the idea of lying but gave it up when he saw the stubborn look in Kendall's eyes. "Like two or four hours."

Kendall's jaw dropped briefly. He snapped it shut and sat down beside Logan. "That's all?" He said in disbelief. "Logan, that's. . . not good."

"Why didn't you tell us?" The excitement in Carlos' eyes had died and he merely looked troubled.

"It's not like we can really do anything about it." Logan muttered, ducking his head to hide the blush that heated up his face.

James shook his head. "That's not true." He disagreed gently. "We can stop somewhere and take you to a doctor. Maybe they can give you something to help you sleep a little more." He ran a hand through his brown hair and sighed. "Logan, you can't keep this up for two more weeks let alone two more months."

"Just give me a little more time." Logan begged. "I don't want to go to a doctor for something as silly as this."

"It's _not_ silly." Kendall shook his head. "This is serious, Logan."

"Okay," Logan relented. "So maybe it's a little serious. But just give me a little more time to get used to this life. Two more weeks."

"No way." Kendall shook his head. "That's too much time. One more week."

Logan opened his mouth to protest but closed it when he realized it would be useless. Kendall had that determined look on his face that let even perfect strangers know they shouldn't mess with him. He also knew that Kendall was already going against his better judgment giving him a little more time to adjust and he didn't want to push his luck. "Fine." He said resignedly. "One more week."

Kendall nodded in relief. "Good." He said standing back up. "So just. . . close your eyes and try to get some sleep. We have a concert tonight. I'm going to talk to Kelly and Gustavo about finding you a doctor if we need to."

"Yes, Mama K." Logan teased with a tiny grin. "Honestly, Kendall. You're such a mother hen sometimes."

Kendall laughed but the sound fell flat as he eyed Logan one more time. "Yeah well, I guess that's a good thing since my friends are a bunch of idiots who don't take care of themselves." His smile faded and he motioned for James and Carlos to follow him out the door. "Seriously, Logie. Get some sleep, okay?"

James stood up and yanked Carlos gently to his feet, tugging the smaller boy to the door. "Yeah," He said in agreement. "None of this matters if you're not okay."

His friends' words touched Logan and he smiled gratefully. "Thanks, guys. I'm sure I'll be fine." He didn't know that but the other boys looked a little more reassured as they nodded and left him alone to get some rest. He shut his eyes and sighed, trying to slow his mind down enough to get at least an hour of sleep in.

But it was impossible. All he could think about was how he could be dragging the band down if he didn't get his act together. He was sixteen for crying out loud! He shouldn't be having trouble sleeping just because he was afraid of the unfamiliar surroundings. One more week. Kendall had given him one more week. He only had seven more days.

On the other hand, maybe the others were right. Maybe all he needed was a doctor to give him some tips and everything would get better. Logan pulled the blanket over his head, trying to block out the engine's constant rumble and considered the possibility. It made sense the more he thought about it. Sometimes all someone needed was a little help.

* * *

Logan didn't know how much time had passed but suddenly there was a gentle knock at the door. He gasped quietly, realizing that they had probably reached their destination and he hadn't slept at all. He shut his eyes, feigning sleep as the door opened as his friends walked in.

"Logie?" Kendall's voice was hesitant and his hand on Logan's shoulder was as light as could be. He was reluctant to wake Logan up when he was finally sleeping so peacefully.

Logan's eyes fluttered open and he stared sleepily as Kendall. "Are we here?" He asked, his voice groggy with exhaustion.

Kendall nodded and forced a small smile. "Sorry we had to wake you but. . . at least you got some sleep, right?"

"Yeah," Logan lied and sat up careful to avoid making eye contact with any of his friends. "I feel pretty good right now." Another lie. Two in a row, one right after the other. He bit his lower lip hard as if to keep from speaking altogether.

"I talked to Kelly and Gustavo." Kendall said, helping him stand up. "They agreed to give you one more week to adjust but that's all. I called Mom and told her too."

Logan's eyes widened in alarm. "You _didn't._" He said watching Kendall's face carefully for any sign that he might have just been teasing or maybe threatening him "Kendall! I don't want her to worry! What did she say?"

"Well, she kind of wanted to fly right on over here and drag you home right away." Kendall admitted. "But I convinced her otherwise."

The expression in Kendall's eyes was all too easy to read. _Be grateful._ Logan swallowed and nodded. "Okay. So I guess we'd better get ready?" He shook his head, trying to clear the fog that was still hanging over him. He hadn't slept at all and he felt even worse than before.

"Yup." Carlos said cheerfully. "Let's go!"

Logan sighed and followed his friends slowly. They stepped out of the bus and he blinked in the bright sunlight. He didn't even know what state they were in. He had tried to keep up with their busy schedule but it was becoming somewhat of a big blur to him. "So where are we?" He tried to sound casual, hoping his question wouldn't worry the others even more.

James sighed, sensing that Logan was still out of it but that he didn't want them to fuss. "Austin, Texas." He said forcing a smile.

Logan's shoulders slumped. He was already ruining everything. This tour meant everything to James and now he couldn't even get excited about the upcoming concert. "Where are all the cowboys then?" He joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

But instead they all stared at him with deeper concern. "Logan," Kendall began slowly.

"I was joking!" He insisted. "Guys, just relax. This is why I didn't want to tell you in the first place. You're not even enjoying yourselves anymore and this whole thing means so much to all of you. I didn't want to ruin anything and now you're too worried about me to have any fun."

"Well, first of all," Kendall said quietly. "You mean more to us than anything this tour can give us. Second," He paused thoughtfully and then gave a helpless shrug. "Never mind. That's the only point I wanted to make."

"Thanks." Logan said sincerely. "But please. . . just. . . have fun tonight like we always do."

Carlos nodded and dropped an arm over Logan's shoulders. "You heard him!" He said in a stern voice to James and Kendall. "Have fun! That's an order!"

James gave in and laughed. "Okay, guys. I guess we don't have a choice. Let's head over to dance rehearsals. That's always a ton of fun." Three matching groans met his sarcasm and he laughed again. "May as well get it over with, right?"

Dance rehearsal was brutal. Mr. X claimed the boys had been slacking and vowed to make sure they would never slack again. Despite the fact the boys' bodies were already incredibly weary they managed to keep up with the instructor's demands until finally, Gustavo noticed that Logan was tiring and ordered a fifteen minute break.

The boys sighed in relief and went backstage to collapse on the couch that had been set up there. They smiled gratefully when Kelly brought them bottles of water. "You're doing great!" She encouraged them. "Just think. Tonight is your last concert for three days. We'll just spend that time driving. It'll be a little cramped but you all can rest."

James frowned at her words. "I thought we had a concert in between those three days." He said in confusion.

"Yeah and I thought we were going to get to stay at a hotel for a couple of nights." Kendall commented with a sideways glance at Logan. He had been hoping that Logan could catch up a little on his rest in a real bed but it looked like things had changed.

Kelly gave Logan a sympathetic and understanding smile, looking away when her concern made him blush. "That was the plan, yes." She said slowly. "But the venue you were supposed to perform at for that concert. . . well they canceled."

"Canceled!" James said in disbelief. "Canceled? But why?"

Kelly sighed, obviously reluctant to tell them the reason for the cancellation. "Two reasons really. They've noticed that your last few performances haven't been at the level that they hoped for and. . . they got a better offer."

"A better offer?" James felt like a parrot. "Who?"

Carlos snorted. "James, I hate to break it to you but right now, anyone is a better offer than Big Time Rush."

"Yeah, especially if I suck." Logan said quietly.

"No one said anything about you sucking, Logan." Kendall shook his head. "They didn't like Big Time Rush, not Logan Mitchell."

Logan slumped down on the couch. "Yeah well it was obviously me." He insisted stubbornly. "I've been so tired that I haven't been able to perform as well as I should be."

"Don't blame yourself." James argued as Kendall and Carlos nodded in agreement. "We all have bad days."

"Dogs!" Gustavo came blustering in and clapped his hands loudly. "Break's over. Time to get back to work.

Before Logan could protest, James hopped to his feet and help him up. He shot a look at Gustavo and whispered to Logan so only he could hear. "You up for another round, bud?"

Logan resisted the urge to snap at James because even though he was getting sick of his friends' overwhelming concern for him, he knew that he would be doing the same thing in their place. "I'm fine." He said while at the same time wondering if he really was. His head spun slightly as he stood up and he held onto James for a second longer than was necessary just in case. "Let's go." He shrugged off the feeling of dizziness and led the way back on stage.

Soon they were back in full swing, practicing various dance moves hard and fast. Logan found that the dizziness was only increasing as time went on but he fought back, determined not to set them back even further behind. _You have a concert tonight. _He reminded himself, trying desperately to ignore how lightheaded he felt.

"Back-flip!" Mr. X ordered James and Logan in a shout.

James performed his back-flip flawlessly but Logan stumbled and nearly fell off the stage when he landed unbalanced. "Sorry," He muttered, humiliation coloring his pale face. At least his mistake has given him a chance to catch his breath. He leaned forward and rested his hands on his knees.

"Logan," Kendall approached him and laid a hand on his back. "Maybe you should go lay down for a little while." He ignored the annoyed looks he got from both Mr. X and Gustavo.

"Kendall," Logan breathed a sigh. "I'm okay. I don't need to lay down." _Yes you do_. He straightened up and shook off Kendall's hand. "Let me try again." He gave himself more space as he prepared for a second attempt.

"Much better!" Mr. X praised when Logan performed the trick without a hitch. "No mistakes but I still need to see more fire!"

Logan nodded, wondering how he could possibly show more fire when all he wanted to do was sleep for five days straight. "Sure," He promised.

Mr. X shot a look at Gustavo and nodded. "They are ready." He proclaimed. "For tonight at least. By tomorrow they will need me to teach them all over again."

"Well as long as they're ready for tonight." Gustavo said, casting a doubtful look at Logan.

"Have we ever let you down, Gustavo?" Kendall questioned, raising his eyebrows.

"No and I really don't want tonight to be the first time." Gustavo shot back. "You dogs have an hour before you need to start getting ready." He pointed to Logan and spoke to Kendall. "Get him inside the van and make him rest more."

Kendall smirked at Logan and grabbed his wrist. "You heard him, Logie." He said smugly. "Boss said you have to rest. No arguing."

Logan chuckled dryly as he let Kendall lead him, followed closely by James and Carlos. "I'm not about to argue, Kendall." He said. "Don't worry." He was relieved that Gustavo had given them those particular orders because he was feeling worse instead of better as they left the building and crossed the parking lot for the bus.

Kendall let go of Logan and reached in his jean pocket to retrieve the keys. "Shoot." He muttered. "I forgot to get them from Gustavo." He glanced at Logan who was leaning against the van and then looked at James and Carlos. "Be right back."

Logan heard Kendall say something but he couldn't make out the words past the roaring in his ears. He wasn't moving but he felt like he was spinning around and around. It was becoming literally difficult for him to hold his own body up. Each passing second felt like a full minute as he waited for Kendall to return with the keys.

"Logan?" James exchanged a worried look with Carlos and then they both looked back at Logan who's face had been growing whiter and whiter as the time dragged on. "Do you. . ." James bit his lip. He wasn't an aspiring doctor like Logan and he wasn't an overprotective leader like Kendall. He was afraid of going too far and annoying Logan.

"Do you want to sit down?" Carlos finished for James.

"I think I probably should." Logan said. He slid down against the bus until he was sitting on the hard pavement and rested his spinning head on his knees. He felt a hand on his shoulder and heard his friends talking to him. "I'll be okay." He said without the faintest idea of what they were saying to him. "I just need to lay down some more."

"Logan!" Kendall was there suddenly. The keys fell to the asphalt and he dropped to his knees in front of Logan. "Can you hear me?"

He could hear Kendall perfectly fine especially since he was talking so loudly. Logan nodded and instantly regretted it. His head was beginning to ache fiercely and even the small motion made dark spots dance in front of his vision. "Can. . . can you help me up?" He asked tentatively.

Predictably, his words sent his friends into miniature panic attacks. "Logan, should we call an ambulance?" Kendall jumped to the worst possibly conclusion right away as he helped Logan up and held onto him.

"No!" Logan said quickly. "No. I just need to rest."

It was frightening Kendall just how much Logan was depending on him as they climbed into the bus. "This isn't right." He mused. "Forget a week, Logan. We're taking you to the doctor first thing tomorrow. I don't care what Gustavo says. We have three days straight without a concert and I want you to-" He cut himself off when Logan stumbled and nearly fell. "This is ridiculous. You need a doctor now."

"D-don't be stupid." Logan stammered. "We h-have to get ready in an hour."

"Screw the concert!" James exclaimed angrily. "Logan. . . you're. . . not right." He sighed when they made it inside and Kendall forced Logan onto the couch.

Logan bent over again, wanting so badly for the horrible dizziness to go away. His entire body felt shaky and weak and his vision was blurring as he struggled to remain conscious. "N-no." He said stubbornly. "We already got o-one cancellation. We don't n-need another one. I'll be f-fine." He stood up quickly, intent on laying down on his bunk until their hour was up. But he didn't count on blacking out completely.

"Logan!" Kendall's arms shot out just in time to catch Logan as he fell. He stumbled against the force of Logan's limp body falling into his but steadied himself enough so he could lower his friend to the ground. "Logan, can you hear me?"

Carlos stared in shock. His heart skipped a beat and then picked up a frightened and frantic pace as he watched Kendall lean over Logan and call his name repeatedly. "Kendall?" He asked, his voice shaking slightly.

Kendall was just about to tell Carlos to call 911 and James to go run for help when Logan's eyelids fluttered and opened to reveal brown eyes clouded in a haze of utter exhaustion. "Logan," He breathed. "Buddy, can you hear me?"

Logan blinked in confusion as he stared _up_ at Kendall. "Why am I on the floor?" He asked in a whisper.

"You fainted." James offered a weak explanation.

"Oh,"

Kendall nodded relieved that Logan's embarrassment had brought some color to his face. "You were only out for a few seconds but it was long enough to scare us all half to death." He said softly. He shook his head and placed a hand firmly on Logan's chest when he tried to rise. "No. Stay here for a little while longer. I. . . I think we should call 911."

Logan's eyes widened and he struggled against Kendall's hand. "Kendall, no!" He pleaded. "It's not _that_ serious!"

"Logan, you just passed out!" Kendall's voice rose slightly in frustration. "What if you were alone?" A thrill of fear raced through him at the thought. "You could have hit your head or something. Please, you need a doctor."

"Okay," Logan finally relented with a sigh. "But no ambulance."

Carlos frowned. "You mean you think we should just walk you in?"

"Yes." Logan said as firmly as he could. "Please. I don't want them to use one of their ambulances when this isn't an emergency."

"Fine," Kendall muttered, not happy at all. "James, run and go get Kelly and Gustavo. Carlos and I will get Logan to Gustavo's car. We don't need to show up at the hospital in the bus." He slid and hand under Logan's arm and with Carlos, pulled him to his feet. He then wrapped an arm around the younger boy's waist and started leading him out.

By the time they had moved slowly across the parking lot to Gustavo's sports car that he had been driving, the band's manger and Kelly were already outside, heading toward them, James in the lead. He looked relieved to see Logan still conscious. "Kelly said there's a doctor's clinic about twenty minutes from here." He said as he met them. He waved a set of car keys and unlocked the door. "Get in." He ordered Logan.

Logan obeyed because Kendall and Carlos were a lot stronger than he was. Once inside he let his head thump on the back of the seat and he closed his eyes. He wanted to pretend none of this was happening.

**A/N. So. . . the secret is out. Congratulations to the five people who guessed correctly on my poll! Lol. James and Kendall and Carlos are all waiting for your apologies. It's not every day they get falsely accused of being a drug addict. Anyway, I'm going away from Friday to Sunday so. . . no updates before then! Sorry. Hopefully soon after. I hope to come home to some reviews! Thanks again!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N. So I'm home. And tired. And I have so much school work and regular work to do just tomorrow but that's okay. Because I had a terrific weekend. Anyway, I don't own anything.**

"I don't know, Mom. It's not an actual hospital, just a doctor's clinic. They took him in right away but we haven't seen or heard anything for a while now." Kendall glanced at his watch and his frown deepened. "It's been about twenty minutes now. Close to half an hour." He heard a troubled sigh behind him and turned around to look at James and Carlos. "Hey Mom, I'm gonna go for now okay? I promise I'll call as soon as we find something out but for now. . ." Kendall trailed off and dropped his voice to a low whisper. "James and Carlos need me right now." He paused, listening to his mother's words. "I love you too. Bye."

He had been trying to convince himself that Logan was okay, or at least that he would be okay. He was tired. Really tired. They had been really busy and he hadn't been sleeping. That would make anyone sick. But Logan was with a doctor now. Doctors were supposed to make people feel better. Logan wanted to be a doctor. Kendall knew he would make a great doctor because he was smart but he was also an amazing person in general. But for now all Kendall could think of was the irony of their current situation. Logan, their future doctor, needed a doctor.

And James and Carlos needed him now. Kendall forced himself to stop pacing so he could join his two friends who were sitting nervously in the corner. Gustavo looked uncomfortable as Kelly sat next to the boys trying to ease their troubled minds. "I'm sure he's fine." She said as Kendall approached. "What did your mom say?"

Kendall shrugged and shook his head. "She's really worried of course. I called her earlier today and she wanted to bring Logan straight home. Now that we know things are worse then we first thought, she's even more convinced that he should come home and get rest." He ran his fingers through his already messed up hair and sighed. "I'm supposed to call her as soon as-"

"Logie!" Carlos jumped up from his chair and nearly knocked Kendall over in his rush to reach Logan who was walking toward them with the doctor at his side. Carlos skidded to a stop right in front of Logan and inspected his friend carefully. "Are you okay?" He asked anxiously as he was joined by the others.

Logan nodded slowly and everyone released a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, a blush heating up his cheeks. "I guess I should have said something earlier. Did you cancel the concert? Because Doctor Roberts said that since we have three days off after tonight, then I could perform."

Gustavo shook his head. "No, the concert is still on. But only if you really feel up to it." He looked at Doctor Roberts as he spoke, studying the older man for his reaction.

"Logan should be all right for tonight but he needs to rest if he wants to continue this tour." The doctor was stern as he spoke. "He told me that his mother is back in California but I'd like to recommend a prescription of mild sleeping pills and since he's a minor I'll need an adult to sign for me."

Logan's blush deepened. "I don't want any pills." He said in a whisper. "I don't need any pills."

But it was obvious right away that he was outnumbered and after carefully reading the papers that Doctor Roberts handed to her, Kelly signed her name with a flourish and smiled gratefully. "Thank you so much. Is there a pharmacy nearby that we can pick this medication up?"

Kendall handed Logan his cell phone as the doctor continued to talk with Gustavo and Kelly. "You'd better call Mom." He whispered. "She's _really_ worried now."

"You shouldn't have bothered calling her." Logan whispered back, He was so red by now that it was impossibly to tell that he had even been sick. But he walked away from the crowd, dialing the memorized number as he went.

"Kendall?"

Logan winced at the panic in the voice. "Logan." He corrected softly.

"Logan! Sweetie, are you okay? What happened?" The words poured quickly out of her mouth, almost too panicked to be coherent.

"I'm. . . okay." Logan sank down into a plastic chair and leaned against the back. "The doctor said I'm suffering from extreme exhaustion. But he did say I could perform tonight because we have three days off afterward. He um. . . He also gave me a prescription for sleeping pills." Logan's throat closed up right after his humiliating confession and tears blurred his eyesight.

As every mother does, Mrs. Knight seemed to sense Logan's feeling despite the fact that they were speaking to each other over the phone. "Logan," She said so gently that one lone tear made its way past the blockade and slid down Logan's cheek. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Because," Logan whispered. "I didn't want anyone to worry. But now I just made things worse. I feel like such a baby because I can't sleep and-"

"Logan, don't talk about yourself like that."

Her gentle reprimand prompted another tear but Logan managed to pull himself together before he had to answer her. "I'm just. . . I'm _so tired._" He really didn't know what else he could say. He secretly wanted to go home and sleep for days but he couldn't do that.

Of course she read his mind in an instant. "You don't _have _to do this, Logan. You can come home if you want. We miss all of you anyway."

It was so like her to try and make him feel like this whole mess wasn't entirely his fault. Logan smiled a little. "No," He said as firmly as possible. "I'll be fine. I just need to catch up on my sleep and believe me, I plan on doing just that after tonight."

"I don't like it but I trust you and I respect your decision." Mrs. Knight finally said slowly. "But I'm going to tell Kendall and the other boys to watch you closely from now on. If things get worse instead of better, then you _will _be coming straight home. Do you understand?" Even now she sensed Logan's fragile feelings and her tone was as gentle as ever.

"Yes." Logan nodded his head as he spoke. "I promise I understand."

"Good. Call me after the concert before you go to bed and let me know how you're feeling. I love you, Logan. I know you've only been a part of our family for two years now but you're just as much my son as Kendall is and I want you to be okay."

The others were walking over to him now so Logan refused to let himself cry. "I love you too." He croaked out. "Tell Katie I said hi." He then said his goodbye and snapped the phone shut before handing it over to Kendall.

Kendall shoved the phone in his pocket and took Logan's arm, pulling him to his feet but not letting go when Logan expected him to.

"Kendall, I can walk." Logan tried to shake Kendall off but the grip was firm and he was tired so he gave up.

"I know you can." Kendall replied calmly. "So let's walk out to the car." He smiled very slightly when Logan rolled his eyes and then turned to leave the doctor's clinic.

The sun was bright compared to the dim lighting of the building they came from. Logan blinked and lifted his free arm to shade his eyes from the sun. Even though they stopped at the local CVS on the way back to the bus, the drive was only half an hour and soon the boys were headed to the dressing room to prepare for the concert. Logan's trip to the doctor had cost them precious time and they had to hurry but that didn't stop Kendall from pulling aside his friends before they were separated.

"Do _not_ scare us like that again, Logan." He ordered. "I don't care what you say. It was a very big deal to us and it better not happen again." He shook his head and corrected himself. "No. It _won't _happen again because we're going to be watching you like a hawk from now on. No more not sleeping. No more pretending you're okay." Kendall folded his arms and looked at his three friends. "That goes for all of us too."

Logan wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. He nodded, unable to meet Kendall's gaze. "I'm sorry." He whispered, blinking back more tears. What was wrong with him? Crying like a baby every ten minutes.

Kendall's gaze softened and he dropped his arms to his sides. "It's okay, Logie." He said gently, hating the tears that he saw in his friend's eyes.

"Don't cry." Carlos pleaded, his own eyes filling.

But Logan could no longer hold back the tears and when James stepped forward to embrace him, he practically folded into the taller frame, shaking with sobs. He felt James lower him to the ground and felt a gentle hand rubbing his back and he only cried harder. He tried in vain to pull himself together and failed miserably when he heard his friends comforting him.

"I'll be back." Kendall said shortly as he stood up, keeping his eyes on Logan. "I'm going to tell Gustavo that we need to cancel. There's no way any of us are going on stage tonight."

If Logan could have spoken, he would have protested. But Kendall's words made him cry impossibly harder until he was barely breathing. The weeks of exhaustion had caught up to him, hitting him like a train and rendering him an absolute emotional wreck. At the same time, there was a small sense of relief way back in his mind. He was so glad that he wouldn't have to perform.

"Logan," James whispered when Logan's sobs finally subsided. "Look at me. None of this is worth it if you're not healthy." He saw the guilt in Logan's eyes and deep down, James blamed his own stupid, sometimes reckless passion that made Logan feel so horrible. Maybe if he stopped talking about how much being famous meant to him. "You and Carlos and Kendall mean more to me than anything else in this world. I'd be happy to go home right now if it would make you feel better."

Logan shook his head frantically. "No," His voice cracked but he didn't cry again. "I'm sorry. It's just because I haven't been sleeping. After tonight I'll get better. This is the last concert that we're canceling because of me, I promise."

"Sure thing, Logie." James said, unwilling to disagree and upset Logan further. "Let's get you to bed for now."

"Bed?" Logan questioned. "It's not even 7:00." He gasped in surprise when James took him into his arms and stood up. "James, put me down now." He ordered, wondering if it was possibly to catch on fire because his cheeks felt so hot. "I can walk."

"But you don't have to!" James said cheerfully. Then he turned and groaned. "Carlos, go run ahead and tell Kendall that Logan is fine so he doesn't have a heart attack."

Logan followed James' gaze and echoed his groan when he saw Kendall rushing over to them. "James, please! You're only scaring Kendall more."

"Carlos will set him straight." James said mildly.

"He's going to grow white hair is he doesn't stop worrying so much." Logan scowled. "He's such an old man sometimes."

James laughed. "Yeah and between you and Carlos I bet you it'll happen by the end of summer."

Logan pushed against James' chest in a weak protest. "James, come on."

"Is he hurt?" Kendall jogged up to them, an anxious look on his face.

"Kendall, I told you-"

"I'm fine." Logan interrupted Carlos and glared at both James and Kendall. "James just doesn't know how to leave well enough alone. He's been spending too much time around you if you as me." In spite of his annoyance, Logan was relieved when his words made Kendall laugh.

"Well, if you ask me, then I'd say that Logan needs some sleep." Kendall grinned. "He's getting kind of grumpy."

"What about-"

"The concert is canceled." Kendall said flatly. "Anyone who bought tickets will get a full refund and the chance to see us another time."

Logan rolled his eyes. "If we're still a band by then."

"Our little Logie. So pessimistic." Kendall shook his head and then gestured to the bus. "Better put him to bed, James." He returned Logan's glare with another smile but for the most part, he was just glad to see that Logan was looking moderately better after his crying jag. He wrapped an arm over Carlos' shoulders and the two of them followed James and Logan to the bus.

James deposited Logan carefully on his bunk and stepped back, making room for Kendall.

Kendall sat on the edge of the bed holding an orange pull bottle in one hand and a water bottle in the other. "Ready to get some sleep?"

Logan groaned and tried to turn away but was pulled up anyway by Kendall. He sighed in resignation and let Kendall shake a tiny white pill into his palm. He accepted the water bottle and placed the pill on his tongue then washed it down his throat before laying back down.

"Good." Kendall said in satisfaction.

"Mom. . . wanted me to call. . . her." Logan said slowly. He was stunned to find that the medication was already working its magic on him. His eyes were growing impossibly heavy so that he could barely keep them open. "I. . . forgot."

"I'll call her. She'll be glad to know that you're sleeping." Kendall tentatively reached out and brushed a loose strand of hair from Logan's eyes then dropped his hand to touch Logan's face that was still wet with tears.

Logan blinked sleepily up at him. "What?" He asked, too tired to form a complete sentence.

Kendall shook his head and moved his hand to Logan's shoulder. "I just wish I helped you before it got this bad." He said softly. "I feel like Mom for saying this but I hate it when you guys cry. I feel like it was my fault."

"It wasn't." Logan said in a tiny voice. "It was. . . my fault for not saying anything."

"Then don't do it again." Kendall smiled to reassure Logan but his own eyes were suspiciously bright. "We can't lose you, Logie."

"Is he asleep?" James whispered when Logan didn't respond. He watched Kendall nod and then he sighed in relief. "Good. Wow, that was fast."

Carlos perched on the edge of the bunk across from Logan's and nodded in agreement. "But that's good right? That he fell asleep so fast? That means his pills work and he can get more rest."

"Yeah." Kendall studied Logan's face intently, searching for any sign that his friend was only pretending to sleep. But the peace he saw there was real and was only the kind that came from someone who was fast asleep. "Let's leave him alone for now, okay? I need to call our mom."

James nodded and grabbed Carlos, leading him out the room and leaving Kendall alone for a minute.

Kendall sighed and removed his hand from Logan's shoulder and watched his chest rise and fall with deep, steady breaths. Logan still looked awful even though he was finally sleeping. His face was pale with a sickly, grayish cast to it. Dark shadows darkened the area under his eyes that were still slightly swollen from his earlier tears. "How was I so blind?" He mused quietly to himself. "Why didn't I see how bad things were? I was so worried about Mom and Katie that I forgot about you and James and Carlos. I'm supposed to be taking care of you guys." Kendall stood up and ran his fingers once again through his blonde hair, ignoring the fact that it was probably now sticking straight up. "I will from now on."

James and Carlos didn't look all that happy when Kendall joined them on the couch. "Stop beating yourself up." Carlos ordered crossly. "It was all of us, okay? Not just you. Let it go and move on. We won't make the same mistake again."

"Carlos is right." James said firmly. "Logan wouldn't want any of us to be moping around like this."

"I know." Kendall said with another sigh. "He just. . . scared me today. I've never seen anyone that. . . weak. And when he fainted." Kendall shivered slightly. "What if he was alone? He could have gotten seriously hurt."

"But he wasn't alone and he didn't get seriously hurt. You caught him." James reminded him. "Don't think about what could have happened. It won't do anyone any good."

Carlos tossed Kendall's cell phone to him. "Just call your mom okay? Then come hang out with us and relax until we head to bed."

"Okay." Kendall gave in and pressed the speed dial for his mother, walking out of ear shot as he did so. "Thanks, guys." He counted the rings silently, making a promise to himself as he waited. _Never again_.

**A/N. Oh, Kendall. If only you knew. . . Review? Pretty please and thank you!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N. It's been a while! Oh, and I can't promise that the next chapter will come soon after this one because I'm a little busy but we'll see. Anyway, nothing has changed since the last chapter. I still don't own anything.**

Kendall was worried about Logan. He had hoped that the trip to the doctor would help. He had hoped that the prescribed sleeping pills would help even though the idea of them was a little scary. He had hoped that the three days off from their rigorous schedule would help. But so far it was like things had barely changed.

Logan was sleeping but that didn't make Kendall feel any better. He slept so deeply and soundly throughout the nights that it was almost unnerving, especially because it was difficult to wake him up in the mornings. Then he went throughout the days in a groggy state never really waking up. He had difficulty concentrating on even the simplest of tasks and had an alarming tendency to nod off in the middle of the afternoon. The behavior was so uncharacteristic of Logan that it had Kendall and James and Carlos concerned. Especially Kendall.

Ever since they had met as five-year-olds and become best friends, they had settled into different roles that were like puzzle pieces, coming together and creating something whole and complete. Something perfect. Carlos was the happy clown of the group, bringing sunshine into even the darkest days they had experiences. James' passion and determination kept them all encouraged and looking forward to their futures believing that they could accomplish anything. Logan's calm and logical mind looked at their various problems and found solutions and kept them sensible when it really mattered. His brilliance had more than once saved one of his friends from failing a test in school because he was always a willing tutor. Finally, Kendall was the protector.

He took after his father, so ridiculously stubborn and selfless that it formed into an almost violent protectiveness for all his family and friends. Only complete idiots tried to hurt someone Kendall cared about. In the eleven years they had been best friends, Kendall had protected James and Carlos and Logan from everything from school bullies to opposing hockey teams who played less than fair. His one oversight however still haunted him every now and then.

Logan's father Ryan Mitchell had been borderline neglectful from the time his wife died when the boys were six, to the day he himself had died in a car accident when the boys were fourteen. For eight years, Logan had kept his secret pain hidden from his friends, never once letting on just how much it hurt him that his father had withdrawn completely from his life. It was only when the Knights adopted Logan that Kendall learned of his friend's suffering and that was only because he had often heard Logan crying in his sleep.

He had been horrified and appalled, not only because he never even thought that Logan's relationship with his father had been virtually nonexistent, but also because he and everyone else had completely missed everything. He had never thought to protect Logan from his own father and it turned out that the most damage had been done thanks to Mr. Mitchell.

Kendall never quite forgave himself for such a mistake, especially since he could sometimes see the pain in Logan's eyes and how vulnerable and uncertain he could be when it came to the concept of being loved and in a real family. It was then that he and his friends had promised each other to never let anyone hurt them like that again. But it was Kendall, the oldest and the most protective, that took the promise the most seriously.

So it was only natural that Logan's recent illness had frightened Kendall more than he let on. He had been so focused on himself and his mother and sister back home that he had once again failed to see that Logan was suffering in silence right in front of his eyes. Since the trip to the doctor, Kendall had been afraid to take his eyes off of Logan and the more he watched him the more he worried.

"Logan," He placed a hand lightly on Logan's shoulder and gave it a gentle shake. "Time to wake up, buddy." He removed his hand and then watched as Logan struggled to wake up from his peaceful sleep.

"Kendall?" Logan's voice was a weak whisper, still drowsy with sleep. He yawned and pried open his eyes to stare at Kendall, blinking in confusion. He felt like he had just drifted off to sleep but it was much brighter outside than he thought it would be. "What time is it?"

"Almost 10:30." Kendall answered with a small smile. "Even Carlos was up before you, sleepyhead."

Logan smothered another yawn and sat up slowly. He rubbed a hand over his eyes, trying to wake up when all he really wanted to do was lay down and go back to sleep. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier?"

"Because," Kendall paused to look closely at Logan, noting that there was at least a little more color in his pale face and that the dark circles weren't nearly as pronounced under his eyes. "You still need the rest. Logan, you _are_ sleeping, right?" He felt ridiculous asking the question because there was no way Logan could be faking such a sound sleep.

His question surprised Logan. "Yeah, definitely." He said right away. "Why?"

Kendall shrugged. "I don't know." He said uneasily. "I guess because you still seem so tired."

"Oh," Logan nodded in understanding. "That makes sense then. I'm fine though, Kendall. The pills Dr. Roberts gave me are a little strong, that's all. I just need to do something other than sit around in this bus and I'll wake up more.

He spoke so confidently and Kendall reminded himself that it was Logan who was their future doctor. It was impossible to doubt him. "Okay, just making sure." Kendall smiled and gave Logan a pat on the shoulder before standing up. "Hey, you should get ready, okay? We should be reaching the fair grounds in an hour and a half or so. Gustavo wants us to rehearse as soon as we get there."

"Thanks, Kendall. I'll be right out." Logan watched as his friend left the room and then sighed deeply. He stood, somehow resisting the powerful urge he had to simply lay back down and sleep again. A change of clothes was folded at the foot of his bed and he grabbed it and made his way to the small bathroom.

After he had changed, Logan splashed cold water over his face, trying to give himself a jolt of energy, and then straightened up and opened the medicine cabinet to find his comb. As he reached up to the top shelf, his fingers brushed against a small object and knocked it into the sink below. Logan retrieved his comb and then picked up the fallen object.

It was a pill bottle, he realized. But not his sleeping pills. It was the Ritalin that Carlos sometimes took for his ADHD. Logan laughed quietly, thinking of how his energetic friend had left his medication in the bathroom at the Palm Woods and Logan had saved everyone months of insanity by packing it in his own suitcase.

The laughter faded as Logan turned the orange bottle around in his hand, deep in thought. It was heavy, still fairly full, because they had been so busy that Carlos hadn't had much energy left over at the end of the day. Really, Logan was proud of his friend for handling their difficult situation so well.

But his thoughts touched only briefly on Carlos before they took a darker turn. The aspiring doctor in him remembered that while Ritalin worked to calm down hyper people it could also give tired people a boost of energy.

Logan's eyes widened as he realized what he had just considered and he shook his head quickly, trying to shake the thought from his memory. He hurriedly placed the pill bottle back where it belonged and shut the cabinet door firmly. Then he gripped the sink with shaking hands and shut his eyes, trying to breath regularly.

"Idiot." He scolded himself under his breath and straightened up to glare at his reflection in the mirror. "First you cry because you have to take pills to sleep and now you want to take pills to wake up? And they wouldn't even be prescribed." He took a deep breath and let it out and then reached again for his comb.

It didn't take long for him to tame his bed hair into the neat and simple spiked style but he was still freaked out by his earlier thoughts. So when Logan closed the cabinet door once again, this time with a little more force than necessary, it sent most of the objects crashing down into the sink. He flinched and then groaned when he heard three sets of footsteps rapidly approaching the closed bathroom door. "I'm fine!" He called out before Kendall told Carlos to break down the door with his helmet.

"Then open the door." Kendall's voice was a quiet order but Logan knew better than to ignore it.

"See?" Logan had to work to force a smile to his face and he could only hope that his effort was enough to keep his friends from questioning him further. The last thing they needed to know was that he was thinking about taking Carlos' Ritalin _just once_.

"Are you?" James asked skeptically as he studied Logan's pale face.

"What happened?" Kendall questioned as he eased gently past Logan to survey the mess in the sink.

"Um, I just closed the door a little too hard by accident." Logan mumbled.

Kendall motioned to Carlos and then caught James' attention. "Carlos and I will clean up here." He said in an authoritative tone. "James, go get Logan some breakfast. Make sure he eats."

Before Logan could even begin to consider a protest, James took him by the arm and led him out of the bathroom. "Toast and scrambled eggs?" The older boy asked cheerfully. "Bacon? Pancakes? Sausage? Whatever you want, I'm your man." He gently shoved Logan into a seat at the small kitchen table and then gave a mock bow. "I am the Breakfast King and I am at your service."

Logan stared at his friend and then laughed lightly. "Do you know how ridiculous you are sometimes, James?"

"I know." James grinned. "It makes life more interesting. So?"

"I'm not really that-"

"No," James shook his head and interrupted Logan. "You need to eat, Logie. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You've told all of that so many times now don't be a hypocrite."

Logan sighed and rolled his eyes. "You're impossibly stubborn sometimes." He tried to joke again but when James didn't crack a smile, he gave in. "Toast and eggs would be nice. Thanks, James."

In only a few minutes, James set a plate in front of Logan and then sat down at the table directly across from his friend. He watched Logan until his friend caught him staring and then he dropped his gaze and nervously drummed the table with his fingers. "So," He said as casually as he could. "Feeling better?"

In all honesty, that was the last question Logan wanted to hear, having just had a similar conversation with Kendall. Was Carlos next? But the concern in James' voice was evident so Logan forced patience into his answer. "Yes," He said, wondering if it was actually true. "I'm sleeping."

"But are you _feeling_ better?" James pressed, turning into a Kendall mother hen right before Logan's eyes. "You still seem tired."

Logan nodded. "I know. I am still tired but it's just because the pills are really strong. I kind of have to get used to the effect they have on me."

James looked suddenly alarmed. "What do you mean by getting used to them?"

Logan couldn't hold back a small sigh but he was determined to put James' mind at ease. "I don't mean that I won't be able to function without them or that they'll stop working for me. I just have to get used to what they do to me right now. And after we're up and actually moving around I should be fine."

"Okay," James nodded. "So is it kind of like Carlos and his Ritalin? Like, how when he first started taking it when we were younger and it used to knock him out and now it just calms him down?"

The question was completely innocent but Logan still flinched at the reminder of his temptation. "Yeah, kind of. Only after a while I won't need them."

James looked satisfied and relieved all at the same time. "Good." He said with his trademark grin. The he reached across the table and gave Logan the gentlest punches on the shoulder. "Kendall isn't the only one who is allowed to be worried about you. Both Carlos and I are too. We care about you, bud. We just want you happy and healthy."

At first, Logan didn't know what to say. A blush heated up his face and he rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment as he tried to think of words to say that would fill up the awkward silence. "Thanks, James." He finally said in a quiet whisper. "That means a lot."

"Anytime, Logie." James looked equally embarrassed so he glanced down and cleared his throat. Then he looked back up and gave Logan a stern look. "Now finish eating." He ordered in a bossy tone. "I don't want Kendall to chop my head off if you don't eat right now. Besides, I slaved over the hot stove for a full five minutes."

"And the toaster." Logan added with a laugh. "Don't forget the hot toaster."

"Eat." James said with another grin. "I want to get a good look around the fair grounds when we get there."

"Me too!" Carlos bounced into the room, followed more slowly by Kendall who was quick to glance at Logan's plate. "I heard there's a bunch of great rides and games there and I want to see them all!" As if someone had flipped a switch, Carlos was suddenly still. "You're up to it right, Logie?" He asked in concern.

"Of course." Logan nodded. He was feeling much better after breakfast and he pushed away his nearly empty plate with a smile. "Thanks, James. Oh, and thanks for cleaning up, guys." He nodded to where Kendall and Carlos stood.

"No problem," Kendall said carelessly, sensing that all the fuss they were making was beginning to bother Logan. He regarded him carefully, glad to see that the food had seemed to give him some much needed energy. "We have a little more than half an hour before we're supposed to arrive. Anything you guys want to do?"

Logan stood up and took his cell phone from his pocket. "I'm going to call Mom." He told Kendall. "You know that she wants me to call every morning." Any other teenager would have been humiliated by the concern but Logan had been without a real parent for too long to not be grateful for it and he was only too willing to put her mind at ease.

Kendall looked satisfied and nodded. "Good idea." He motioned for James and Carlos to follow him to the couch in the bus, leaving Logan by himself in the bedroom for some privacy. "Come on, guys. We'll play cards or something."

Logan shut the door behind him and sank down on his bed. A wave of exhaustion washed over him but he fought stubbornly against it and dialed his mother's number, smiling. It had taken him some time to adjust to his new family but Mrs. Knight was no longer his adoptive mother. She was simply his mother, through and through.

"How are you, Logan?"

He chuckled at the predictable question that followed directly after her warm greeting. "Better." He said, beginning to believe himself. "We're all excited about getting back on stage tonight. The days off have been really nice but I think we're a little tired of being so cooped up."

"Just remember that if you don't feel up to it then you shouldn't push yourself." Mrs. Knight warned, reassured by Logan's words yet remaining concerned all the same.

"Yes, Ma'am." Logan teased lightly. "I promise. Besides, I'm pretty sure you have your three guard dogs on the alert."

"Now, now." She answered with a laugh. "Gustavo is the only one allowed to call you boys, dogs. But yes, I do have Kendall and James and Carlos, especially Kendall, on special report."

They talked then for only a few more minutes but the brief conversation was just enough. Logan promised to tell Kendall to call later on and then hung up, feeling better than he had in days. But the relief didn't last long.

He entered the bathroom to wash his hands and froze. Somehow, both Kendall and Carlos had neglected to clean up the bottle of Ritalin. It sat on the edge of the sink, practically taunting Logan. He carefully averted his eyes and washed and dried his hands before picking the bottle up and placing it back where it belonged. Then, feeling slightly claustrophobic, he turned around and left the small room.

Logan laid a hand over his chest and felt his heart pounding hard under his palm. He took several deep breaths to calm himself down. To his dismay, the image of the Ritalin remained with him even when he shut his eyes so tightly that when he opened them, he saw black spots. "Get a grip!" He ordered himself.

"Logie, we're here!" Kendall called cheerfully. "Ahead of schedule too! That means more time for the fair!"

He couldn't slip up again. They were depending on him to be better now and Logan couldn't let everyone down like he had before. He could get by without the other pills. He didn't need them and he was incredibly stupid for thinking about them so much. He would be fine. He had to be.

**A/N. Of course, thanks to the prologue, we all know that things are only going to get worse. Review?**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N. I'm not completely sure how to say this but this might be the last chapter I post for a while. I have a lot of things going on right now and I don't really have that much inspiration or motivation to write. I have horrible Writer's Block with 'Head On Collision' so I apologize if anyone is waiting for an update with that. I'm sorry if I don't write anything for a while after this. Hopefully my motivation and inspiration will come back soon. Until then, I still don't own anything.**

"Dogs!" Gustavo boomed after rehearsals. "I need to talk with all of you."

"Can we-"

"No!" Gustavo interrupted James. "You cannot get showers before. I need to talk with you _now_."

James grimaced. "Gross." He muttered to Carlos who simply snickered at his friend's predicament. He led the way, following Gustavo, hoping to get things over as quickly as possible. When their manager motioned them to take the plastic chairs in his temporary office, they all obeyed quickly.

"What is it?" Kendall asked, half in curiosity and half in annoyance.

Gustavo's expression was serious as he sat down across from them. "Dogs," He began and then seemed to change his mind. "Boys, tonight we have a concert in New York City."

"Oh, so that's where we are." Carlos joked with a dramatic nod of understanding.

But Gustavo ignored him completely and went on. "I have some news that's important for all of you to know. Fugisaki and the rest of his company is going to be there including Griffin. Now I know that Griffin has seen you perform live but Fugisaki hasn't and since he owns the record label you boys are signed to-"

"We have to perform at out best tonight." Logan finished for him, looking stressed already. He sighed a ran a hand through his dark hair. "Gustavo, when did this happen? I thought it was supposed to be just a regular concert."

"I just found out." Gustavo didn't look too thrilled with the prospect either. "Now, the last few performances haven't been horrible but they haven't been great either. I think that having Fugisaki there might be the push you need to step it up." Maybe it wasn't intentional but his eyes, hidden behind his trademark glasses, were on Logan as he spoke.

Logan cringed, knowing that the less than great performances were his fault. The stupid sleeping pills kept him in a constant haze long after he woke up for the day. He was sleeping during the night but during the days he never had very much energy and it was apparently more obvious than he had originally thought. "Sorry," He muttered quietly, looking down at his hands in his lap. "It's been my fault."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Logan-" He began to disagree.

"No, Kendall." Logan shook his head. "It really _has_ been my fault. I know it. You know it. We all know it. I'm just tired-"

"I thought you said you were sleeping." Kendall interrupted this time, frowning in frustration that none of them could help Logan.

"I am sleeping, Kendall." Logan said patiently. "But I can't wake up during the day. My pills are really dragging me down but I'm still better than I was without them. I mean, I'm healthier."

"And that's what we want." Kelly said as she entered the room. She laid a hand briefly on Logan's shoulder before going to sit in her own chair.

Gustavo gave a small nod. "But I still need you all at your best." He said, trying to include Kendall, James, and Carlos even though they hadn't been a problem. "Would it help if you rested more before the concert tonight?"

Logan shrugged helplessly. "I don't even know." He said tiredly, the frustration evident in his voice. "Maybe. I don't think it would hurt."

He hadn't sounded very convincing but it was enough for Gustavo. "Okay then. Go take a break then. Relax."

Kendall stood up first. "Sounds good to me." He said to Gustavo as he turned to his friends. "Come on, guys. Let's head back to the bus, get some showers, and rest up before the big night."

"But we were supposed to take a tour of the city today." Logan reminded him, looking upset at the idea of missing out on such a great opportunity.

"Oh well," Kendall shrugged. "Plans change. Come on."

James jumped to his feet and looked at Logan. "Need me to carry you again?" He asked with a small grin while totally serious.

Logan's eyes widened and his face flushed red in embarrassment. "No, I think I can walk to the bus myself, James. Thanks though." He stood up and looked over at Gustavo and Kelly. "I won't let you down." He promised.

Carlos stood and dropped an arm across Logan's shoulders. "_We_ won't let you down." He said, rolling his eyes.

Gustavo nodded and made a shooing motion with his hands. "Good." He said shortly. "Now go."

The boys left and exited the building where they would be performing later that night and headed across the parking lot for their bus. Logan was quiet, deep in thought, as he considered Gustavo's words. If he had been nervous earlier, it was nothing compared to what he felt after the little talk. He felt sick to his stomach and they still had hours to wait.

"Are you going to lay down, Logan?" Kendall asked as he opened the bus door and stepped aside to let his friends go first. "Or do you want to play a card game or watch a movie? Read a book?"

Logan sighed. "I think I'm going to lay down." He said quietly. "At least for a little while. If I sleep, then make sure you wake me up in plenty of time though, okay?"

Kendall gave him a thumbs up. "Gotcha." He said with a smile. "Take it easy, Logie."

"Don't let the bed bugs bite!" Carlos called from behind him cheerfully.

"Sweet dreams." James added with a grin.

Logan flashed his friends a brief smile. "Thanks, guys." He left them and went into their bedroom, closing the door behind him. Once he was alone, he sighed and dropped down on his bed, holding his head in his hands. "What am I going to do?" He whispered, desperation lacing every word.

The pressure was already overwhelming and it was only getting worse now. Logan's chest had tightened in anxiety and even when he laid down he couldn't calm himself down. He couldn't screw up tonight. He had already been less than great and now everyone was depending on him more than ever. He stared up at Kendall's bunk directly over his head and tried to think through his predicament logically.

"We're in New York City and everyone who matters is going to be there tonight when we perform live." He muttered to himself. "It's going to be on live TV." The reminder heightened his panic and his throat dried up. "We might be seen by millions of people. If I mess up then-" The thought was too awful for him to finish.

He thought of his friends. Carlos loved the whole idea of being famous and having girls chase after him. He wanted the Jennifers' attention and even though Logan knew his friend deserved better than the anorexic snobs back at the Palm Woods, he hated to think that his issues might drag Carlos down with him. He didn't want to let Kendall down either because he was the reason that they were all there in the first place. They never would have gotten this far if it hadn't been for Kendall's stubborn determination. Logan didn't want all his efforts to be wasted in one night. And then there was James. If Logan messed up tonight, there was a good chance that he might destroy James' dream and that thought killed him.

Logan let out a deep sigh and shut his eyes. "Don't think about any of that." He told himself sternly. "You'll only make it worse. Just. . . get some rest and you'll be okay tonight." But he seriously doubted himself because he had been lacking in everything for weeks now and it was highly unlikely that he could psych himself up enough for one night. Besides, after that he still needed to start performing better. Logan had never felt so helpless before.

As he lay there in the dark, he saw a flash of an orange bottle and the thought of Carlos' Ritalin came to him. It would give him the boost he needed to be great tonight. He knew that. If only it wouldn't be so stupid of him to take just one pill.

_Just one pill_. Logan thought. _Just one_._ After tonight I'll figure something else out. Something less stupid._ It would be so easy. No one would ever know if he just took one pill. He could blame his energy on the fact that he got a decent enough rest and-

Then he was up and walking towards the bathroom. It surprised Logan how easily he had convinced himself. He closed the door behind him and listened carefully to make sure everyone else was still on the other side of the bus. He could hear nothing so he opened the medicine cabinet and took the bottle from the top shelf. "Okay," He breathed, still trying to justify what he was about to do. "It'll be all right. I only need it for tonight and then I'll just. . ." He trailed off because he didn't know what he was going to do after tonight. "Take it one day at a time." He told himself. "Just get through tonight without letting everyone down."

It was over in a matter of seconds. One pill and one gulp of water slid down his throat and there was no going back. He shook his head, trying to ignore that he had just done possibly the stupidest thing in his life and left the bathroom. Rest was impossible now since he could already feel the Ritalin start to have an effect on him. He walked out of the bedroom to hang out with his friends.

"Logan," Kendall looked surprised to see him. "I thought you were resting."

"Nope," Logan shrugged, suddenly feeling better than he had since they first left on tour. "I tried but. . . I'm way too excited about tonight. It's going to be awesome."

Kendall's eyebrows shot up at the unexpected reply. "What's with the sudden change?"

Sometimes Kendall's near psychic powers were funny. Logan laughed and shrugged again as he sat down at the table with his friends to observe the card game they were in the middle of. "I don't know." he said lightly. "I just don't feel very tired right now."

"Really?" Carlos gave him a funny look. "Well. . . that's good I guess."

But James looked less convinced. "Logan," He said slowly. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Logan gave a sharp nod and leaned on the table, tapping his fingers restlessly on the smooth surface. "Never better." He said carelessly. "I feel great!" He grinned at his friends, happy that he really did feel so great. "I wish the concert was now instead of tonight. I don't know how I'm going to wait."

"Okay," James glanced at Kendall and Carlos, all three of them still looking a little uncertain. "We're excited too."

"We're going to _rock_ tonight1" Logan declared excitedly, slapping the table for emphasis.

Kendall jumped and stared at his friend. "Did you overdose in sugar back in the bedroom?" He asked, wanting to laugh at Logan's sudden show of energy but still too concerned by how dramatically different he was acting.

If only Kendall knew just how close he was. He was high. He, Logan Mitchell, was high. The idea was hysterical because no one would have ever guessed Logan to do such a risky thing. But at the same time, Logan knew he had to settle down before Kendall actually did guess what was wrong with him. "Sugar?" He repeated with a nervous laugh. "Me? In our bedroom? What kind of sugar is in there?"

"I don't know," Kendall studied him closely. "You're just acting really weird. I mean a little while ago you said you were going to lay down-"

"And you seemed really tired-" Carlos added.

"And now you're out here acting like Carlos." James finished.

"Did you ever notice that sometimes we finish each other's sentences?" Logan asked them. "It's like we're identical twins except there's four of us so I guess that we'd be quadruplets. Do you think identical quadruplets do that?"

"Finish each other's sentences?" Kendall asked in confusion. "Um, I guess so. But Logan, we do that because we've been best friends for eleven years. We just know each other that well."

Logan nodded in agreement. "But it's kind of creepy sometimes if you think about it." He said, trying to keep from bouncing his leg up and down. "It's like we're all a bunch of psychics 'cause we're always reading each other's minds practically. Anyway," He said, changing the subject before any of them tried to question him further. "I feel great. Want to go take a look at the city? We should do something to pass the time."

"But Gustavo wants us to stay here now." Kendall reminded him. "Because you-"

"Oh that," Logan said dismissively. _Calm down! _He ordered himself when he saw Kendall's eyebrows rise again. He took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm really okay if you want to go see if he'll let us loose for a couple of hours." Silently, he begged Kendall to give in because he really wanted to get out of the close quarters of the bus. He actually wanted to run around and tell everyone how _fantastic_ he felt but that would give him away in a second. If they could at least-

"No," Kendall said, shaking his head. "Better not. You know how Gustavo hates it when we try to change our plans on him at the last minute."

Logan snorted in laughter. "Since when do you care about what Gustavo hates?" He asked, disappointed that Carlos and James seemed to agree with Kendall. "Come on," He pushed. "Let's go have some fun."

"We'll have fun tonight." Carlos told him with a grin. "Lots of fun."

Carlos was right, Logan decided. It would be hard to wait but when the time finally came, they were going to have so much fun. It really would be a big big big night. He could hardly stand the wait but he knew it would be worth it in the end.

**A/N. Oh my. Logan is high. -facepalm- Um, so like I said, I don't know when I'll be updating next. I think I need to take a break until my desire to write comes back. I hope this didn't suck. Review?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N. Thanks so much to everyone who voted and nominated for my stories in this past week's contest! Your support is the most amazing thing in all the world. Here is. . . chapter seven! Because I'm finally getting over my Writer's Block! Thanks again! I don't own anything.**

Logan sighed in relief as the boys climbed in the bus and Kendall shut the door behind them. They had done it. Or, to be more exact, he had done it. The concert had gone absolutely perfectly. Everybody was happy. He flopped down on the couch and grinned at all three of his best friends. "That was awesome!" He declared happily.

They all grinned back and nodded in agreement before joining him on the couch. "You were fantastic, Logan." James praised him, looking thrilled. "Does that mean you're feeling better?" He asked hopefully as he gave Logan a gentle nudge with his elbow.

It wasn't until then that Logan remembered just _why_ the night had gone so smoothly. His smile fell just slightly as he tried to answer James without lying to him. Impossible. Unless he told them what he had done. Logan couldn't imagine that going over very well. "I guess so." He finally said, settling for a vague answer. He knew that James had only asked him if he was feeling better because they were all still worried. It had nothing to do with James being worried about Big Time Rush. That made it so much worse.

Kendall made it even worse by looking ridiculously relieved. His eyes studied Logan intently and saw only his face flushed with energy and his brown eyes bright with excitement. A wide smile spread over the blonde's face. "Good." He said in complete satisfaction, oblivious to the guilty and nervous spark that his behind everything else in Logan's eyes.

Carlos too, seemed to have forgotten about the concert and was just happy that Logan was feeling better. "Awesome." He said with an excited laugh. "You sure looked like you were feeling better out there."

Logan was slightly shocked that none of them had caught onto the fact that something was wrong with him. But maybe it was because they were so blinded by their happiness for his lie. Maybe they saw what they wanted to see and looked no further. Whatever the reason for their state of obliviousness, he was grateful for it. Still, he wasn't so sure if he could keep his act going for much longer. "It's after 11:00." He remarked, glancing at his watch and hoping they'd take his hint to change the subject.

It worked. In an instant, Kendall was serious again. "We'd better head off to bed then Now that you're healthy we have to make sure you stay that way Besides, our little break is over and we'll have to get back into our busy schedule tomorrow."

"Yeah," Logan agreed, holding back a sigh of relief. "Sounds good to me." He stood up and led the way into the small bedroom to prepare for the night. After a little convincing, he took the first shower and was soon ready for bed. He sat on his bunk and kept up casual conversation with his friends while they all finished, hoping that he appeared as normal as possible.

"Logie," Kendall wandered into the room, still drying his damp hair. "Did you take your pill yet?"

Logan felt his face turn bright red and he ducked his head in embarrassment. "No, not yet." He said quietly. "Kendall, I was thinking that since I'm feeling so much better that I could. . . I could stop taking them."

James and Carlos stopped joking with each other to turn and stare from Logan to Kendall in disbelief. Kendall's eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open. "No," He finally said, shaking his head. "No way. Logan, why would you want to stop when they're obviously helping you so much? I mean, maybe after a little while when you adjust more but not right now."

If only he could tell them the truth. If only he could tell them that he had scared himself earlier that day with his careless drug use. If only he could tell them that his stupid sleeping pills were a big reason why he had taken the Ritalin in the first place. But Logan couldn't bear to disappoint them so much. "I just. . ." He trailed off and shrugged helplessly. "I guess you're right."

Kendall eyes softened in sympathy and he nodded slowly. He left the room to return the towel back to the bathroom and returned with the familiar orange pill bottle in his hands. "Here," He said, tossing the bottle across the room to Logan. "I'll get you some water."

"No, I have one. Thanks though." Logan fumbled with the pill bottle before holding up his bottle of water. He reluctantly shook a pill out into his hand and downed it with a swallow of water. "Happy?" He asked Kendall, raising his eyebrows.

Kendall smirked and returned the look. "Exceedingly." He said, ignoring the glare Logan sent him and the pair of muffled laughs from James' and Carlos' bunk. He took the pill bottle back from Logan and headed to the bathroom to put it back where it belonged. From the tiny room he could hear Logan complain about being treated like a baby and Carlos and James telling him to suck it up and take it like a man. He laughed quietly and opened the medicine cabinet door.

As he went to close the door again, something caught his eye. Carlos' bottle of Ritalin sat where it belonged but the white cap was slightly askew as if Carlos had been in a hurry when he took his ADHD medication that morning. Carlos being in a hurry wasn't a surprise to Kendall but he hadn't even been aware that Carlos had been taking the Ritalin lately. He had said himself that their busy schedule kept too tired to bounce off the walls. Besides, Kendall was almost positive he had seen the cap screwed on tightly that very morning.

Kendall was so deeply absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice the voices had quieted down until all he could hear was James and Carlos whispering to each other. Logan was completely silent. _He must have fallen asleep._ Kendall reasoned, wondering why his thoughts lingered on Logan as he continued to stare at the bottle of Ritalin. He shook his head and tightened the cap before leaving the bathroom to rejoin his friends.

"Shhh!" Carlos hissed with a finger pressed to his lips and glared at Kendall as the older boy tripped over a discarded pair of old sneakers and nearly crashed to the floor. He sat up in his bunk and gestured meaningfully to Logan who was sound asleep across the room.

Kendall rolled his eyes and decided against telling Carlos that it had been _his _sneakers that were laying in the middle of the floor. "Carlos," He whispered quietly, unable to forget something. "Have you been taking your Ritalin lately?"

Even in the dark he could see the hurt that crossed Carlos' face at the unexpected question. "No, I haven't. Why? Do you think I need to? Am I being annoying? I'm sorry, Kendall I-"

"No, no." Kendall interrupted Carlos, shaking his head quickly. "I'm sorry, buddy. You've been great, promise. I was just. . . curious, that's all." He babbled on until he saw the hurt vanish completely from Carlos' eyes and then mumbled a hasty goodnight before climbing into his top bunk over Logan's. As he lay there he could feel James staring at him and so he turned to face the other boy. "What?" He asked.

A deep frown settled over James' face. "Nothing, I guess." He muttered, confusion lacing his words. "Night, guys."

Kendall and Carlos muttered their replies and then each boy fell into an uneasy silence, all lost in their own troubled thoughts that they were afraid to speak aloud. Something was off, they all knew it. But what?

* * *

The next day the boys were taking advantage of the short break in rehearsals Gustavo had given them. James and Carlos were at a gym across the street where they had found a ping pong table and declared a ping pong war on each other, Kendall was reading an old hockey magazine that he had brought with him, and Logan had been forced to lay down again since he had started to drag midway through dance practice.

But sleep refused to come to him so he occupied himself by looking up prep school websites on his laptop. Even as he looked at the different schools, his thoughts were elsewhere, mostly dwelling on the Ritalin.

"You can't take another one." He told himself firmly. "They're going to find out." With a deep sigh, Logan shut his laptop and shoved it away so that he could lay down. He closed his eyes, trying to sleep, but the constant noise of traffic rushing by kept him wide awake. So he let his thoughts drift to his friends, hoping that it would at least take his mind off of other things and give him the peace he needed.

But all he could think of was how he was going to let them down if he didn't get his act together and how the only way he could get his act together would be if. . .

He was back in the bathroom, shaking out another Ritalin pill into his shaking hand. His worries about everything else were replaced with the memory of how good it felt last time. He had been in control once he settled down. He had been so tired and so upset with himself. One pill had made everything so much better. It had helped him. Without it, he would have failed horribly.

Logan set the pill on his tongue and reached for a paper cup on the sink. Just then there was a sharp knock at the door and he gasped, spitting the pill out into the sink where it slipped down the drain.

"Logan, are you okay in there?" The door hadn't been locked and when Logan choked slightly instead of answering, Carlos poked his head in. "Hey, are you okay?" He repeated, sounding just like Kendall. But he kept his voice quiet so as not to attract Kendall's or James' attention.

_Never again._ Logan told himself right then and there. _It's too risky._ He cleared his throat and forced a smile to his face before turning to look at Carlos. "Yeah," He said easily. "I'm absolutely fine."

**A/N. LOGAN IS A LIAR. But at least he didn't take another pill this time, right? Right. So, um, did you like this chapter? Let me know! Thanks again for everything!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N. I can't wait until summer so I can write all I want without worrying about assignments and tests and essays. I'm also working on a very special project so that's exciting. Anyway, it's still March so I have a while to go until the semester ends in May. Until then I'll hang in there. Oh, and random note, I'm going to try and write more of the requests I took only I decided that I can't do them in order because I just don't really understand the point of some of them. So yeah. I don't own anything.**

He could do this. He really could. He certainly did not need to take another Ritalin pill. It would only make things worse in the end. Logan stared at himself in the bathroom mirror and gave a firm nod as if it would give him the strength to resist the temptation that was right in front of him. His hand lifted in the air as if to open the medicine cabinet door but he snatched it back quickly with a sharp intake of breath. Why was it so hard to resist?

If Logan was smarter he would have admitted to himself that it scared him how much he wanted to take another pill. It scared him that he had only taken one and yet he was so ready to depend on another and then another. Maybe it would have helped to admit his weakness. But that might lead to him telling the others what had happened in the first place and that would inevitably lead to more questions and end in complete and utter humiliation that Logan knew he wouldn't be able to stand. No, it was definitely better if he just kept his inner struggles to himself instead of adding to everyone's problems. He could handle this himself.

As if to prove that overly confident thought to himself, Logan turned and left the bathroom, bracing himself for what he knew was coming. He still had time though because the bus was empty of anyone else. His friends were already in the building where they would be performing that night. Logan had hung back, saying that he needed to check something when in reality he had stood in the bathroom for a good five minutes wrestling with his awful growing temptation that was Carlos' Ritalin.

Logan stepped outside and pulled his light jacket closer to him. It was summer but they were in upper Maine and it was surprisingly chilly. A light breeze even made Logan shiver as he hurried to the warmer building. He stopped briefly to appreciate the beautiful mountain scenery around him and sighed. He wished that they were able to just enjoy themselves instead of the running around they had been doing. Maine was a terrific state but they really hadn't seen much of it.

For a while he was able to completely forget his problems. But then Logan heard a voice calling his name and turned to see James approaching him, head bent to ward off the wind that was growing stronger by the minute. "Hey," He greeted. "Sorry, I'm coming."

James nodded, his hazel eyes concerned. "Everything okay? We thought you'd be ready sooner." He turned around to walk with Logan as they headed to the building and wrapped an arm over the younger boy's shoulders.

"Yeah, I'm sorry." Logan apologized again, hoping that his red face could be blamed on the wind. "I got distracted." The arm around him tightened and he lowered his head in shame only to nearly run into James when his friend stopped suddenly to stand directly in front of him. "What?" He asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Logan," James' eyes darted around them nervously and then finally stopped to look at Logan carefully. "You would tell us if there was something wrong, right? I mean. . . we're best friends. It's what we do."

Logan almost cracked right then and there under James' pleading. It pained him to see how his friend was afraid of offending him or hurting his feelings. It hurt even more to have to lie to him all over again. "Of course," He said, forcing a weak smile as he tried to walk on. He tensed when James stopped him by putting a hand on his shoulder. "James-" He began, trying to sound impatient when he was suddenly afraid.

"Promise?" James stared at Logan, ignoring the fact that it had started to rain. "Because you just haven't been yourself for a while now and I- we're all worried. You're just so. . . so tired all the time even though you're sleeping. I know you said the pills would help you and I'm glad that they're helping you sleep 'cause sleep is important. But-"

"Yo!" Both boys turned to see Kendall and Carlos waiting for them in the door way. Kendall cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted again. "Are you guys coming in anytime soon? It's raining!"

"Yeah!" James looked mildly irritated by Kendall's unintentional interference but he resumed his position with an arm around Logan's shoulders and started walking towards their other two friends. "Well?" He asked as they neared shelter from the rain. "You _promise_ you're okay? You're not just pretending for me or anyone else?"

"I. . ." Logan faltered for a moment and winced when he caught the concern on James' face grow even stronger. "I will be." He finished softly. "I promise." He felt James tighten his grip once more and vowed silently to himself that he would keep his promise. He would be okay because he wouldn't take anymore un-prescribed drugs. And no one ever needed to know that he had in the first place because it would never happen again.

"Everything okay?" Kendall asked as James and Logan ducked inside. "Took you long enough." His words were light but his tone was concerned and he studied both of his friends intently. James' worried expression mirrored his own but Logan's face was unreadable.

"Sorry," Logan said pasting another fake smile on his face. "My fault. What do we need to do?"

Carlos glanced at Kendall and frowned along with him. "We're supposed to be getting dressed for the concert." He said quietly. "Are you up to it?"

"Yup," Logan's voice was calm and natural. "Are you guys all up to it?"

"Yeah," Kendall nodded, his posture relaxing. "Let's go then." He led the way to the dressing room, trying to shake off the uneasily feeling that hung over him like one of the gray clouds outside. Logan still looked a little pale and tired but he did look better than he had in a while. Maybe he was finally getting over the deep funk he had been in since the tour started.

"Dogs!" Gustavo nearly pounded the door down moments later. "Are you ready yet?"

Kendall glanced over at Logan and frowned when he saw that his friend had tensed at the presence of their manager outside the dressing room. "Relax," He said quietly. "It's just Gustavo." He returned the small smile that Logan sent his way and then turned back to the door. "Patience is a virtue!" He called.

"Yeah, and I don't believe in it." Gustavo said, impatience dripping from every word. "In case you boys don't remember, you're part of a band and you just happen to have a concert in front of a sold-out crowd tonight. I think that-"

Kendall brushed carefully past James who was showing Carlos how to tie a tie and opened the door, and walked out into the hall, shutting the door behind him. "We know," He said, not even bothering to hide the irritation in his voice. "We know all of this because you remind us about seventy times a day. But you know what? You're really not helping anything because all you're really doing is just making us more and more uptight. Especially Logan. He's getting better so can you not push him back to square one please?"

Gustavo heaved a irritated sigh and took off his glasses to glare at Kendall better. He was slightly disappointed, though not at all surprised when the boy didn't flinch under his gaze. Very little scared Kendall Knight. "Listen," He said, trying to at least reason with the leader of his band.

"No," Kendall broke in before Gustavo could finish. He ignored the way the man's face reddened slightly in anger and shook his head. "Just leave my friends alone." He turned around and returned to his friends, feeling only slightly accomplished.

They were all waiting for him. James looked pleased, Carlos looked uncomfortable, and Logan looked embarrassed. "Sorry," He muttered. "You didn't have to do that. He doesn't bother me anymore."

Kendall resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Whatever you say, Logie." He said noncommittally. "Let's finish up and get out there."

Carlos glanced at Logan who was looking more nervous by the second. "Yeah!" He said cheerfully. "Let's get out there and have _fun_!" His attempt might have been a little too obvious because Logan gave him a knowing look, but they all made a silent agreement to let the subject go and hurried to finish their preparations.

Logan followed his friends, trying to ignore the migraine that had decided to plague him as they walked backstage. He suddenly felt very, very tired and he mentally shook himself so that he would be as alert as possible. But as he listened to the announcer greet the crowd and begin to introduce them, Logan had the sinking feeling that the concert wouldn't go as smoothly as they were all hoping for it to go.

* * *

"Oh come on, Logie." Carlos tried to cheer his friend up. "You're overreacting. It wasn't _that _bad."

"It was a disaster." Logan said in a defeated tone. "I was horrible. And don't say I wasn't." He frowned at Carlos who had started to open his mouth in protest. "We all know that I sucked. I'm just having a hard time deciding what the worst part was tonight. When I tripped and almost fell off the stage or when I did fall trying to do my back flip. Or maybe it was when I totally missed my cue for my solo in, _Til I Forget About You_."

Carlos thought hard. "Aw, I'm sure no one noticed." He said after a long pause.

"So the girls screaming at me to sing my solo were just coincidences?" Logan asked sarcastically. He rolled his eyes when Carlos nodded enthusiastically. "Nice try." He slumped tiredly onto the couch in the bus and sighed. "I'm sorry, Carlos." He apologized. "I'm sorry that I snapped at you and guys, I'm sorry that I was so awful tonight. I don't. . . I don't know what was wrong with me but I promise that it won't happen again." Kendall and James naturally looked skeptically while Carlos merely looked hopeful. Somehow, it was harder to see Carlos hope for the best than to have Kendall and James doubt him. Because they were right to doubt him.

"What's going on, Logan?" Jame pressed, ignoring the warning look he got from Kendall. They had all agreed to let Logan talk but only if he wanted to because it was obviously making him feel even more pressured when they pushed him. But James had always been less than gifted at sticking to following orders.

"Nothing is going on, James." Logan lied, horrified at how easy the lies were getting. "I'm just-"

"Tired." James finished for him. "You're always tired. But why? It's those stupid pills, isn't it? Kendall, shouldn't he just stop taking them?"

Kendall frowned, looking torn. "But then he won't sleep." He whispered, sounding uncharacteristically helpless.

"I'm still here you know." Logan reminded them, slightly exasperated. "Look, just don't worry about me okay? I can take care of myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really thankful for you guys and your concern. It means a lot. But I will be okay. Really. Promise." He was telling the truth. Sort of.

The more he thought about it, the more sense it seemed to make. They still had a month and a half left on the tour schedule. There was no way he could keep up their rapid pace for six more weeks. And despite his words of reassurance, Logan was beginning to doubt that he would ever get used to the pills. If he could just take the Ritalin on the nights that they had concerts. . .

"Logan!"

He looked up, realizing that all three of his friends had apparently been trying to get his attention for some time now. "Sorry, I was thinking about something. What?"

"I said," Kendall repeated, still with that helpless tone that frightened the rest of them. "I think we should all head off to bed. If you get any worse soon or if you don't get better within a week then we're going to another doctor. Maybe there's some other kind of sleeping pills you can take that won't knock you out 24/7."

Logan sighed. Kendall was giving him another chance. He nodded and smiled a little. "Okay, sounds fair to me." He stood up and headed off to the bedroom, shadowed by his friends.

* * *

When they were all ready for bed and laying in the dark, Logan had just started to feel the drastic effects of his medication when he heard James and Kendall talking quietly. Obviously, the two were under the impression that their younger friends were asleep. Logan blinked sleepily and strained to listen to their quiet voices.

"He's not acting right at all." James said with a sigh. "But he wouldn't tell me anything earlier today."

"He won't talk to me either." Kendall said sadly. "I don't know what to do. I want to trust him and believe him when he says that he'll be fine. I want him to be fine. But he's scaring me."

There was a long pause as James absorbed the idea of Kendall being scared. "Me too." He finally said. "What else can we do though? I mean, do you think something's bothering him?"

"I don't know." Kendall sounded frustrated. "If there is then why won't he trust us? What's he hiding?"

"Logan's not hiding anything." Logan jumped at the sound of Carlos' sleepy voice. "He wouldn't do that. He's just tired but he doesn't want us to worry about him. That's the way he's always been."

"But maybe-" Kendall began.

"Look," Logan heard Carlos' bunk creak slightly as he sat up. "You guys are wondering if he's trusting you. But are you trusting him?"

Logan wanted to stay awake and hear what Kendall or James had to say in response to Carlos. He didn't fall asleep right then but he also never heard them anyway because he was too distracted by the guilt that was consuming him. Kendall and James were right to not trust him, even though it might have been unintentional. It was Carlos who was wrong.

Still, that did nothing to change Logan's mind and he turned over and shut his eyes as if he could forget the conversation he had just overheard. Thoughts of the next day came to him. They had two concerts. One in the afternoon at a state fair and one later on a night. There was no way he was going to screw up again that day or any other day on the tour. He would just have to take the Ritalin to get himself through the rest of the summer.

His final thought before he drifted off to his drugged sleep was on how he could possibly keep his secret for very long. He wasn't sure Carlos had that much Ritalin and even then they would be bound to notice it missing. But Logan couldn't think about that just yet. He would come up with a plan. He had to. He would.

**A/N. I was going to get a start on C21 of HOC but I don't really feel like it. I've had a long week and now I'm sick again and I have to finish 'The Odyssey' this week. FYI, it's a lot more entertaining to read aloud in theatrical voices. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!**


	9. Chapter 9

**My FCMD had a really bad flare-up yesterday and today while I was writing this chapter. Be warned that there is. . . an angst warning lol in this chapter. Like, it gets pretty intense. Sdkifgt. I don't own anything. -shot-**

It was all so painfully ironic. He was supposed to be the smart one. The future doctor. The one who would always say no to drugs without the slightest hesitation. The one who would look with disgust upon those who had given in. He was the brain of the group. The sensible one. And yet here he was holding a tiny white pill in the palm of his hand, trying to remember when exactly he had fallen into the trap with those he had once called "losers". He was one of them now.

Logan swallowed the Ritalin with a gulp of water and then stared at his reflection in the mirror. He hated what he saw. He hated who he had become. "Who are you?" He asked the stranger staring back at him.

His belief that after the tour, things would settle down had turned into _hope_ and every day that went by Logan doubted himself more and more. But he couldn't bring himself to admit his problems to the others and ruin all they had worked for. It was scaring him how much he was relying on the sleeping pills and then the Ritalin. He was already so dependent on both of them. Fortunately, he had managed to function somewhat normally when he was actually high on the Ritalin. That helped lower any suspicions his friends might have.

Correction: Any suspicions James and Kendall might have. Carlos believed in him without a trace of doubt. All of them were treating him differently. James was, for some reason, the most suspicious and it scared Logan that the taller boy might find something out. He practically shadowed Logan these days, watching his every move in a way that would have been creepy if they weren't best friends.

Kendall seemed torn between worry and his stubborn, desperate desire to trust Logan. He knew that despite the fact that Logan was now sleeping well during the nights and functioning well during the days, something was hidden under the surface of Logan's smiles and calm reassurances. But he didn't want to hurt Logan by asking questions and so he stayed silent.

Carlos trusted Logan as much as he ever had, which was too much. Especially now. He was slightly confused by Logan's sudden and full recovery from his constant drug induced stupor but he was too happy and too relieved to have his best friend back in what he thought was perfect health. His unwavering trust killed Logan far more than Kendall's and James' justifiable suspicions. Logan could only hope that the four of them might escape from this experience unscathed.

"Hey, Logie." Kendall greeted his friend as he emerged from the bedroom to join them around the small kitchen table in the bus. "American and Italian." He said, answering Logan's unspoken question. He shoved the two hoagie selections across the table and smiled when Logan took a small slice of each. "Still as indecisive as always I see." He teased.

Logan rolled his eyes. "I don't really think that it applies to hoagies, Kendall."

Carlos gave him a skeptical look. "Then choose one." He challenged. "I dare you."

"Nope." Logan shook his head. "I don't do dares, remember? Now let me eat my lunch in peace, Carlitos."

James, who had remained quiet up until that point, glanced up from his half-eaten sandwich. "Carlos," He said as casually as possible. "This morning I knocked your Ritalin of its shelf and when it fell it sounded like it was practically empty. I thought you weren't taking it." As he spoke, he was careful to keep his gaze on Carlos, but watched Logan out of the corner of his eye.

His words caught Logan completely off guard and scared him half to death. His appetite vanished instantly but to keep the act going, he took a bite of lunch and chewed what now tasted like cardboard.

Carlos was oblivious to Logan's discomfort and was merely puzzled by James' statement. "Really?" He asked. That's weird. I haven't needed to take it since the day we left."

"Are you sure, James?" Kendall asked, forcing himself to look at the friend he was speaking to when he was dying to catch Logan's expression.

To Logan's horror, James not only nodded firmly, but got up and left only to return a moment later with the Ritalin bottle in one hand. "See?" He said, giving it a slight shake before handing it over to Kendall.

Kendall frowned as he took the bottle from James. He gave it an experimental shake himself and then even went as far as to open the bottle and pour out the remaining contents out onto the table.

"Whoa!" Carlos exclaimed, his eyes wide. He scrambled out of his chair and went to stand at Kendall's side. "I definitely haven't been taking enough for _that_ much to be gone!"

"Logan," James said, working hard to keep his voice level. He paused, giving Kendall the chance to stop him but the leader said nothing so he went on. "You want to be a doctor, right? Isn't it true that Ritalin sometimes acts as a sort of stimulant? You know, like, by giving tired people energy?"

How James knew that was beyond any explanation Logan could come up with in his momentary state of panic. He blinked twice and then took a deep breath. "Yeah," He said calmly. "It's a kind of. . . I guess some people call them "uppers." They can make you high if you abuse them. Why?"

But before James could answer, Kendall spoke. "Logan," He began, his eyes darting back and forth between his friend and the pills that were still spread out on the table. "You. . . you haven't been taking Carlos' Ritalin to wake up, have you?"

The accusation was not at all unexpected so Logan was fully prepared with his response. "No way," He lied smoothly, ignoring how horrifyingly easy the denial came to him. He saw the doubt in Kendall's and James' eyes, the shock on Carlos' face, and pushed himself further. "How could. . . how could you think that?"

"Well," Kendall hesitated, refusing to back down so easily. "I don't want to hurt your feelings, Logan. But it makes more sense than anything else. I mean, Carlos hasn't been taking them, James and I don't need them at all, so that leaves you. You with those stupid sleeping pills that knock you out all night and all day. Now, you're suddenly better and Carlos' Ritalin is almost gone. What's up with that?"

"Coincidence," Logan said, swallowing the terror that was trying to suffocate him. "Look, Kendall, I don't know where to Ritalin is disappearing to but I haven't been taking it. I'm not that stupid."

Kendall's eyes widened and he looked guilty. "Logan, I never said that you were stupid. It would make sense that you would take it because of everything that's going on and-"

"But I haven't been." Logan shoved his plate away and stood up so fast that he knocked his chair to the floor with a loud thump. He bent down and fumbled clumsily with shaking hands before he managed to set it upright again. "I've thought about it once or twice but I haven't actually taken it!"

"Then what happened to it?" James demanded, still unwilling to back down even though Kendall was looking mortified and apologetic and Carlos still looked too shocked to speak.

Logan threw his hands up in the air. "Why would I know?" He asked, searching desperately for an excuse and grabbing onto the first one that came to him. "What about the day I knocked everything over? Maybe the lid came off and some of the pills fell down the drain."

Kendall nodded slowly. "I guess that would make sense." He said reluctantly. "Carlos, remember when I asked you if you had been taking it? That was because I saw that the lid wasn't on all the way. Maybe when the two of us were cleaning everything up we weren't really paying attention and-"

"Yeah," Carlos said quickly, looking relieved. "Of course." Now that he had finally recovered from his shock, he glared at Kendall and James.

"See?" Logan said in a voice that shook. "Perfectly logical explanation." He shook his head. "Thanks for the vote of confidence." The sarcasm in his voice was forced but the tears that blurred his vision were real.

"Logie," James said, thinking that the tears were from hurt rather than guilt. "Listen, we didn't mean it that way. We've just been worried about you. We're-"

"You're sorry?" Logan spat out. "Me too. I thought. . . I thought you knew me better than that."

"We do!" Kendall insisted. He reached out for Logan who quickly stepped away.

"Don't," Logan shook his head. "Don't touch me. I'm going for a walk." He turned to go but was stopped by Carlos.

"I believe you, Logie." The younger boy looked frightened by his friend's tears. "Please don't go."

Logan's heart ached as he took in the genuine trust in Carlos' eyes. If only he knew. "Thanks," He said softly. "I just need to be alone for a while though, okay? I'm sorry. I'll see you guys in about an hour." With that, he walked away, relieved when no one tried to follow him. "If you still don't believe me, then go ahead and hide the Ritalin!" He called over his shoulder, instantly regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth. What was he going to do now?

Fortunately for him, the weather in New York City was only slightly chilly and so his light jacket was enough. But he wouldn't have noticed if a hurricane was blowing through because all he could think of was all the lies he had told his friends and how he had hurt them even though they were completely unaware. Tears streamed down his face, blinding him, as he stumbled on, not knowing or caring where he was going.

Suddenly, his foot caught on the edge of a curb and he fell to the ground, scraping his knees and the palms of his hands as he tried to catch himself. Logan didn't get up. Instead he bent his head to his stinging knees and cried.

He had to tell them. He had to run back to the bus and tell them everything. He had to ask for their forgiveness and accept whatever they gave him. But Logan was so sure that they would hate him. He had been so stupid and selfish. He had betrayed them. What kind of friend was he? He would lose them if they found out. Logan couldn't lose them. They were all he had.

The tears slowed and then stopped. Logan brushed at his eyes with his sleeve and then carefully stood up, wincing a little. He had to get back to the bus before everyone panicked. Rain had started to fall from the sky and he didn't have his phone with him. He actually had no idea how long he had been gone. He looked around him, his breath hitching slightly when he realized that he was in a run-down area of the city. The streets were empty except for a few rats scavenging the dumpsters for scraps of food. Graffiti marred the sides of the abandoned buildings around him and he knew that he was very unsafe right now.

Logan quickly set off in the general direction of the bus, thinking as he walked. What was he going to do without the Ritalin? He had to stop taking it to do away with any lingering suspicions James and Kendall might have left. He was stuck.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Logan caught sight of two boys who appeared to be slightly older than he was. As he stopped to get his bearings, he continued to watch as they appeared to make some sort of exchange. His heartbeat quickened and before he could question his actions, he hurried over to them. "Excuse me," He said catching their attention.

The taller boy started in alarm and looked up quickly. One closer inspection, Logan had a hard time guessing his age. He was thin and pale, his cheek bones jutting out sharply. His green eyes, hidden under jet black hair reminded Logan briefly of Kendall except that Kendall's eyes were full of life and this boy's faded eyes along with the rest of his appearance showed clear evidence of years of drug use. "What do you want, kid?" He asked harshly.

"I-" Logan stopped, unsure of how to proceed. "I need something." He finally said in a rush.

The boy's companion, shorter but just as thin, chuckled, coughing slightly when he inhaled smoke from the cigarette he held between two fingers. "Aw, James," He said. "The poor baby needs something." His dark brown eyes were unfocused and seemed to stare right past Logan even as he spoke to him. "What do you want? Go back to where you belong, mommy's boy."

"My mother's dead." Logan said softly. "So's my dad."

The tall boy, James, rolled his eyes. "Please," He snarled. "Like you're the only one who has ever had it rough. Do what Greg said and just go back to where you belong." His eyes swept over Logan's clean and neat clothes. "I don't know where that is but it sure isn't here."

Logan stood his ground, too desperate to be frightened by the gun-shaped bulge in James' jean pocket. "Please,"

A twisted smile formed over Greg's face and he nodded. "Fine then. We can help you. Question, is, what exactly do you need and. . . how much are you willing to give?" He lifted his cigarette to his lips and blew the smoke into Logan's face as he waited.

Logan withdrew his wallet from the pocket of his jacket. "I have. . ." He hastily counted the wad of green bills. "246.85" He looked up at James and Greg, not even questioning himself why he had been carrying so much money with him on the streets of New York City. "I just. . . I need something to wake me up. You know, to get me through the day."

James and Greg traded smirks. "Uppers, huh?" Greg clamped the cigarette between his teeth and reached inside his pocket, laughing when Logan flinched. "I ain't gonna shoot you." He sneered. "Although given the way you're headed, I'd be doing you a favor. Quick and easy instead of a slow fade." He laughed gain, choking on the smoke of his cigarette before showing Logan a plastic bag full of blue pills. "Anti-depressants. Great stuff, these little guys. You'll only need one all day long. Happy pills, we like to call 'em."

"Perfect," Logan mumbled, avoiding eye contact with the two boys as he handed over the money. His fingers closed around the plastic bag and he quickly shoved it deep in his jeans pocket before they could change their minds. A thought came to him and he glanced down at his empty wallet with a frown.

As if reading his mind, James grinned wickedly. "Tell them you got mugged." He said, nodding to Greg who quickly had Logan's arm twisted around his back. "We'll help with that too. Free of charge." Before Logan could even open his mouth to protest, James slammed a hard fist into his ribcage.

Air exploded from Logan's lungs and he doubled over choking and gasping for air. Behind him, Greg cackled, puffing smoke into his victim's face with each wheeze. "Do it again, Jay!"

Logan wanted _his _Jay. The one who would never ever hurt him even if his life depended on it. He wanted Kendall and Carlos too. "S-stop." He begged, trying to hold back frightened tears.

But they didn't listen. James punched Logan again and again all over his torso before finally changing things up a bit and smacking him hard in the face. He grinned as blood began to stream from Logan's nose. "Let's give you a black eye now." Hr cracked his bloodied knuckles and peered at Logan, studying him intently. "After all," He mused. "No mugging is complete without a black eye. Right or left, Greg?"

"Left," Greg grinned as Logan's head snapped backwards. He released his grip on the smaller boy and let him fall heavily to the ground. He and James then proceeded to kick Logan in the stomach and the back until he was forced to curl into a protective back with his arms over his head. "What do you think, James?"

James inspected Logan and then laughed. "I think he looks like a pretty convincing victim." He said with a nod. "One more thing. This is a pretty neat jacket you have, kid." He lifted Logan up and tore his jacket off him, letting him fall once again to the pavement. "There," He said with complete satisfaction. "Now let's get out of here." He knelt down by Logan's head and forced his arms away. "If you try to report us then you and everyone who knows you will be dead before nightfall."

Logan nodded, wincing at the growing pain in his head. He closed his eyes as both James and Greg spit on him before leaving. He listened until their footsteps faded away before he dared to look up and move. Then he stood unsteadily to his feet, keeping one arm wrapped around his aching ribs. Everything hurt so much. He reached up with a shaking hand to feel the warm, sticky liquid that was still running from his nose. His fingers came away stained with red that he viewed with one good eye. "Great," He mumbled. Just when he thought he couldn't possibly sink any lower. But James and Greg were right. At least he did have an excuse for his empty wallet.

Of course the rain had started to fall even harder as Logan walked in what he hoped was the direction of the bus. But at least the icy water was washing some of the blood away from his face and the front of his shirt. Logan shivered and wrapped both arms carefully around his torso. He was so cold.

"Logan!"

Logan looked up, startled. He had arrived at the parking lot where their bus was without even noticing. He peered through the sheet of rain to see Kendall and James and Carlos flying from the shelter of the bus over to him, their faces white with anxiety and fear.

"Logan, what happened to you?" Kendall demanded in a voice that was shaking so hard it was difficult to understand him.

Their concern broke Logan all over again. After all his lies they were still so worried about him. He started to cry softly at first and then harder when the shaking of his sobs made his ribs scream in pain. He legs buckled and he would have fallen if James hadn't caught him and held him tightly in his arms. Remembering how badly he had missed his friends when the other James and his companion Greg were beating him up, Logan clung tightly to the front of James' shirt, burying his face into the older boys' chest.

"Get him inside," Kendall ordered weakly. He grasped Carlos firmly by the wrist and the two of them hurried ahead to open the bus door again.

Once inside, James let Logan down with extreme caution. He sat him down on the couch where he and Carlos sat on either side. Kendall sank to his knees in front of Logan, gently gripping Logan's hands in his. "Talk to me, buddy. What happened?"

"I-I-" Logan struggled to talk through his tears but every time he got close he would only cry harder, his nerves completely shattered.

"I'm calling 911." James said, starting to rise to his feet. His face was nearly as pale as Logan's as he stared at his bruised and bloodied best friend. "Logan," He whispered.

"N-no!" Logan shook his head, wincing when the room spun around him. "I don't need an ambulance." He knew that there was no way he could convince them he didn't need a hospital but he really didn't need an ambulance. He wasn't dying. "Nothing's broken. I'm not dying. I'm okay."

"Logie, who did this to you?" Carlos begged.

"I don't know," Logan said, telling himself that it was true since he really didn't know James and Greg. "I just. . . I got mugged. They took my money." He gave the empty wallet to Kendall who only glanced at it before throwing it off to the side. "I. . . I didn't see their faces. They had. . . ski masks on."

Kendall leaned forward and started to rest his hands on Logan's knees, but he drew back quickly when the younger boy hissed in pain. He frowned, examining the torn jeans and then Logan's scraped up palms. "Did they do this to you too?" He asked, fury fighting with fear for dominance in his voice.

"No," Logan said, relieved that he could actually tell the truth for once. "I-I just fell. Kendall, I really don't need an ambulance. Please. Nothing's horribly wrong. It just. . . it just hurts. I don't really even need an ambulance."

But there was no way that Kendall would believe him. "Logan, you just got _mugged_." The pain in his voice was evident as he continued to stare at Logan. "I mean, if you really don't think you need an ambulance then we'll take you ourselves. But you _are _going to the hospital. And then you have to report this. I know you don't know what they looked like but maybe it would help if you told them where you were. Do you remember where it happened at least?"

Logan nodded. "Y-yeah. Okay. Um, can I get changed first? Or maybe wash some of the blood off?"

Kendall bit his lip, looking uncertain. "Okay, but maybe we should take your shirt in as evidence." He helped Logan stand slowly. "Do you need any help?" His voice had softened and tears hovered, threatening to fall from his green eyes.

Logan shook his head, forcing a small smile. "No t-thanks. I'll be okay," Still, he wasn't surprised when they followed him anyway. He had just enough time to stuff the bag of pills under his mattress and hope he could find a better hiding before they had all joined him in the small bedroom. He lifted his torn and bloodied shirt over his head, clenching his teeth together when it felt like the movements had lit his ribs on fire.

"Logan!" James practically wailed. One hand covered his mouth while the other hung suspended in mid-air, fingers extended to Logan's bare chest. The normally pale skin was purple and blue and black with painful looking bruises all over.

Carlos started to cry. He sat down on his bunk and tucked his head under his arms, sobbing hard.

"Carlos," Logan murmured, his heart breaking with each sob that shook his terrified friend. "Don't cry. I'm okay."

"No you're not!" Carlos exclaimed. "You're hurt! Someone hurt you!"

"But I _will _be okay." Logan carefully pulled on a clean shirt and sat down next to Carlos, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Kendall's jaw was clenched tightly as he surveyed the mess in front of him that was his best friend and his younger brother. "Come on," He finally said wearily. "Let's get you to the hospital. Maybe we'll all feel better then."

**A/N. Guys, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for it to happen! I was writing it down in my Angst Journal yesterday and BAM the thought, "LOGAN SHOULD TOTALLY GET MUGGED" just hit me and I laughed -slapped- and yeah that's what happened. Um, I love you all. -heart-**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N. Since Logan is safe and sound (and okay maybe a little confused) in 'Head On Collision', I decided to pick on him a little more in this story. YAY! I don't own anything.**

Logan had known James and Kendall and Carlos for practically his whole life. They had been five when they first met on a frozen pond in Minnesota and had been best friends ever since. They had seen each other through so much. As young as they were, they had been there for Logan when he lost his mother at six years of age. They were there for James when his favorite uncle died and the adults wouldn't tell them anything because "seven was too young to understand some things". They were there for Carlos when the racial torments began in second grade. They were there for Kendall when his parents separated and then divorced when he was eleven. And they were there for Logan all over again when his father died when they were all fourteen. But sometimes, Logan wondered why they even put up with him.

He wasn't like any of them at all. Kendall was strong and courageous and brimming with confidence. He could take on the whole world without anyone else lifting a finger. Granted, he wasn't a super hero and so he would lose. But he would go down fighting. Logan wasn't like that. He was a wimp who let other people walk all over him. He was afraid of everything and with the exception of school work, Logan had virtually no self-confidence.

James was popular. Everyone loved James, and why not? He could sing and dance but it was more than that. James had the passion that it took to be a star and one day he would be a household name. But for now, plenty of people both in Minnesota and in LA knew perfectly well who James Diamond was. Logan was pretty much invisible to everyone but his friends. Sure, he could sing but he was an awful dancer and stage fright was a regular thing for him.

Carlos was the kind of person that made everyone happy just to be around. He made friends with everyone and could always cheer someone up when they were having a bad day. Logan was socially awkward and uncomfortable around people he didn't know that well. He never knew what to say or do and it left him with a feeling of helpless that was soon followed by uselessness.

There was a simpler way to describe his friends though: Rock, paper, scissors. Kendall was without a doubt, the rock of the group. Strong, steady, dependable, he would never let anyone down. Carlos was flighty, wild, and flexible and well, useful, just like paper. James was scissors and this was where Logan hit a minor snag in his own little metaphor. Because it didn't fit James as well as paper fit Carlos and rock fit Kendall. James was sharp and determined and once he set his mind on something, very little was going to stand in his way. The most perfect part of the metaphor was that there wasn't a place for Logan at all and this reinforced his belief that he really didn't belong with his friends after all.

It wasn't always like this. When they were younger Logan had never questioned anything and simply accepted life as it was for him. His mother was dead and that was unfair but he had the three best friends in all the world and they made everything better for him. But the older he got the more Logan felt that something was wrong with him. Why else would his father stop caring about him? Maybe everyone else just felt bad for him and that was why they were his friends. Maybe-

Logan stopped and scolded himself for doubting his friends. Why couldn't he just believe that they really and truly cared about him? Sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't. Right now, he was confused. He had caused so much trouble with his inability to sleep and now getting mugged and everything in between that no one knew about. Even though he insisted that he had no serious injuries, Kendall was frantic with worry and blaming himself, James was stunned and scared into silence, and Carlos had yet to completely stop crying. They weren't annoyed or mad at him at all. They just wanted him to be okay. But Logan was sure all of that would change if they ever found out-

"Logan Mitchell?"

His head snapped up along with his friends at the sound of a doctor's voice. He stood up slowly, one arm wrapped around his throbbing ribs, and tried to smile at the man standing before them. "Hi," He mumbled softly. "Sorry to bother you with something little like this."

The doctor's eyebrows shot up at his words. "It doesn't look that little to me. Have you seen yourself?"

Logan winced and shook his head. "No," He admitted. "But I know that nothing is seriously wrong with me. I'm just a little sore that's all. No big deal."

"Logan," Kendall said softly. "Why do you keep saying that? Some jerks just mugged you. It's a huge deal. You. . ." He paused and swallowed hard. "You could have been hurt so much worse."

"But I wasn't," Logan sighed.

"All right, how about we check you out now?" The doctor intervened smoothly. "It shouldn't take too long and then you'll probably want to head over to the police station to file a report."

"Can we come?" Kendall asked hopefully.

The doctor hesitated. "It won't take long at all if his injuries really aren't serious." He said slowly. "And it really is unnecessary for the examination room to be so crowded." He eyed the three boys and Kelly and Gustavo, all of whom were waiting anxiously.

Gustavo surprised them all by speaking up. "Well then, what about just Kendall then?" He looked embarrassed to be sticking up for one of his "dogs" but he went on. "He's really his brother. I mean, adoptive."

For a very brief time, Kendall looked like he could have actually thrown his arms around their music producer and hug him. But then he turned back to the doctor, waiting for his answer. He let out a huge sigh of relief when the man nodded. "Okay then," He said with a nod. "We'll be back soon then hopefully. He felt another rush of relief mixed in with pride when James returned his nod and then wrapped an arm around Carlos to comfort him.

"Kendall, I'll be fine. You don't need to come. I'm sixteen, remember?" Logan didn't really relish the idea of being alone but the way Kendall babied him sometimes, especially lately, was borderline humiliating.

"So, I'm going to call Mom and tell her that you got mugged and I waited out. . . in the waiting room when I could have been there with you?" Kendall rolled his eyes. "She'd get on the first flight out her and murder me in my sleep."

They followed the doctor into an exam room where the loud bustle of the ER faded out as soon as the doctor closed the door behind him. "Okay, Logan." He said with a smile. "Why don't you hop up here on the table for me?"

Logan sighed and went to obey but was caught off guard at how much it hurt when he tried the first time. A gasp of pain escaped from between his lips and he doubled over, wrapping both arms around his torso which no felt like it was on fire. "I'm okay," He told Kendall before he had an anxiety attack. "Just. . . can you help me?" With both Kendall and the doctor helping him, he managed to sit on the table and then very hesitantly pull his shirt off over his head.

Even though he had already seen the full extent of Logan's beating, Kendall couldn't hold back a gasp. He then muttered a few choice words that earned him a scolding look from Logan. But he didn't care. Anger burned so deep within him that he knew if Logan had actually described his assailants, he would have rushed right out of the hospital to go find them and beat them up himself.

"Can you breathe all right?" The doctor asked Logan who nodded and demonstrated by taking several deep breaths, only wincing slightly. He frowned slightly though when he put his hands on the boy's bare chest and he flinched away, teeth gritted in obvious pain. "I know you said nothing is serious but you might have a broken rib or two." He said gently.

Logan had secretly been thinking the same thing ever since Kendall forced him into the car and he almost passed out. The pain had only been increasing, especially when he moved. He gave up on trying to keep Kendall from worrying and simply nodded, biting his lip as he did do. How was he supposed to perform with broken ribs?

"How about we get an X-Ray of your ribs?" The doctor suggested gently. "We'll be able to tell then."

Logan had no choice. He and Kendall followed the doctor down the hall into another room where Kendall, much to his dismay, had to wait outside. Logan had only had one X-Ray before when he had injured his wrist in a game of hockey and the doctors thought it had been broken. He was as relaxed as he possible could be and closed his eyes while he waited. He just wanted this nightmare to end.

* * *

"Three cracked ribs," Kendall shook his head as he and Logan walked back out to the waiting room. "Three cracked ribs, a black eye, a fat lip, a minor concussion, and-" He broke off and glanced at Logan, shuddering slightly. "All those bruises. Logie, I hate that this happened to you. You've already had to deal with way too much lately.

"I'll live," Logan replied, looking down at his feet. He couldn't bear to see the guilt and sympathy in Kendall's eyes. He didn't deserve any of it because it was all his fault.

Kendall sighed. "How are you supposed to perform though?" He fretted. "There's no way you can dance or do back flips in your condition."

"I don't know," Logan said helplessly, tears blurring his eyesight and causing him to stumble slightly.

Kendall shot out an arm and steadied Logan. "This is my fault," He mumbled the words that Logan wished he would never have to hear. "If I hadn't accused you of taking Carlos' Ritalin, you would have never gotten so upset and gone for a walk. You wouldn't have gotten beaten up like this. I'm so sorry, Logan."

Logan felt like he was drowning in a sea of guilt. "Kendall," He began, his throat aching. He had to tell him. He had to tell Kendall. He couldn't let him take the blame.

But they were interrupted by Carlos and James who had jumped up from their chairs and rushed over to greet them. "Logan," James said with such intense relief that it was like he had thought he would have never seen Logan again. "How are you?"

Kendall answered for Logan. "Three cracked ribs, a minor concussion, and the rest of it you can see for yourself." The pain in his voice made Logan's heart ache painfully. "It's worse than we thought."

Carlos had stopped crying but his eyes were swollen and red. "Logie," He whispered in a trembling voice. "You're so hurt."

Logan wanted to make his friends feel better and he stood there wondering how on earth he was going to make them feel better and tell them about his problem at the same time. He was stuck. He would only make them feel worse but maybe in the end it would be better. "I'll be fine, Carlos." He said gently. He sighed and looked over James' shoulder. "Where are Gustavo and Kelly?"

James glanced at Carlos, suddenly nervous. "Uh, Gustavo got a call from Griffin and they went to go talk with him." He dropped his gazer and withdrew his lucky comb from his pocket, fiddling with the teeth. "They should be back any minute now." He bit his lip and then looked back up at Logan and Kendall. "Logie, don't get upset okay?"

"Why would I get upset?" Logan asked, instantly on the alarm.

"Because-" James started and stopped. "Because Griffin wasn't. . . very happy about. . . about what happened to you."

Dread filled Logan and he shivered slightly. "What do you mean?"

James looked like the last thing on earth he wanted to do was answer Logan but he was his best friend and wasn't about to refuse him anything. All the same when he saw Gustavo and Kelly walking towards them he looked ready to collapse with relief. "He'll should probably tell you himself." He mumbled, chickening out.

"Did you tell them?" Gustavo asked as he and Kelly approached.

"Wait," Kelly said before Kendall or Logan could even open their mouths. "Logan, how are you feeling?"

"It was a little worse than I thought," Logan admitted shamefully. "Three of my ribs are cracked and I have a concussion."

"Oh sweetie," Kelly said sympathetically. She glanced at Gustavo who looked completely defeated. "It's probably for the best then."

Gustavo nodded wordlessly.

"What's for the best?" Logan demanded.

"Logan," Gustavo sighed. "Kendall, I talked to Griffin. He's not happy with the way things have been working out lately, especially with what happened to Logan today. Don't. . . don't blame yourself, but he decided to cancel the rest of the tour."

**A/N. Oh snap. I'm gonna go die now because I have like, the black plague or something. I'll write the remainder of my fics from my grave. I love you all!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N. It's April! Baseball has started! I am happy! YAY! I don't own anything.**

Logan was quiet as he walked into the Palm Woods lobby with his friends the next morning. He hadn't said much of anything since Griffin had called off the rest of the tour even though Kendall and Carlos and James were constantly trying to convince him that it was for the best. He knew they were all worried about how he was taking the news but he couldn't bring himself to even try and convey the crushing disappointment and shame that he felt whenever he just thought of it. It was all his stupid fault for taking the drugs and running off and then getting beat up by James and whoever his friend was.

"How sweet home!" Carlos said brightly as he marched up to the elevator. "I've missed it here." He glanced at Logan to see his reaction but the other boy was hiding behind a pair of sunglasses. Still, his shoulders were slumped and he was quiet so Carlos knew that his best friend was still upset. He sighed and decided not to say anything else for the time being, confident that Logan would be back to normal once everything settled down and they got back to their normal routine.

Kendall was glad that Griffin had flown them home rather than have them drive all the way across the country. Why drag out the inevitable? Logan would get rest after their mother stopped freaking out over his injuries and they could finally relax without feeling pressured at all. It was a great relief. He glanced at James who hadn't stopped staring at Logan since they had arrived back at the Palm Woods. Kendall knew that James was worried that Logan felt like he had let him down but he wasn't sure how to approach the situation. Kendall sidestepped so that he was standing closer to James and whispered in his ear so Carlos and Logan, especially Logan, wouldn't overhear. "Just give him time," He said softly. "He'll come around."

James nodded, wanting to believe Kendall. He wanted Logan to know that he could care less about the tour. Sure it was his dream to be a famous singer in Hollywood and sure the cancellation of the tour was a major disappointment. But in all honesty, James had only felt disappointed for a few seconds before his thoughts switched over to Logan. His friends meant more than anything else in the world. James would be perfectly happy to end big Time Rush and go back to Minnesota if it would bring Logan back to them. He missed his brainy friend.

The elevator stopped at the second floor and the boys dragged their weary bodies to Apartment 2J, bracing themselves for Mrs. Knight's reaction when she saw Logan. Kendall had called her the day before and told her everything that had happened and she had been so upset. But hearing and seeing were two completely different things and Logan looked truly awful. His black eye was nearly swollen shut and his fat lip hurt him to talk. He walked with a slight limp, one arm always wrapped protectively around his rib cage, not to mention the numerous bruises that were not serious, but still painful.

Before Kendall could put his hand on the door knob, the wooden frame flew open and Mrs. Knight had drawn Logan into the apartment. "Logan, sweetie." She whispered in horror, taking his sunglasses off to see the full extent of his injuries. "I can't believe someone would do this to you." With the utmost care, she lifted her hand and touched Logan's cheek where the swelling had spread. She murmured a gentle apology when Logan flinched at the light touch and dropped her hand. "Come in, boys. Let's get you settled back in."

Katie watched them from afar at first, wanting to hug Logan but not wanting to cause him any pain. "Is he going to be okay?" She asked Kendall because Kendall always had an answer for everything that came their way.

"I'm sure he will," Kendall said with a sigh. "We just need to give him some time."

"I'm gonna go unpack and lay down." Logan muttered once he could get away from all the uncomfortable attention. "I'll be fine," He added when everyone started to follow him automatically. "I'm just going to take everything out and put it away."

"Then let me take your suitcase upstairs," James insisted. He had a point. Logan couldn't really carry his suitcase and the stairs would prove an even bigger problem. He gave Kendall a subtle thumbs up and Carlos a reassuring grin before he headed up to Logan's room, just ahead of his friend. "So, are you sure you don't want any help? At least with taking everything out?"

Logan sighed, trying to appear impatient and hide the panic that James' words sent him into. He still had those stupid antidepressants stuffed into one of his socks. What if James somehow found them? Logan was pretty sure that even though Kendall had apologized a dozen times for the drug accusations, that James was still suspicious. He couldn't figure out why but it was unnerving, especially since he was right. "James, I'm fine." He said quietly. "I just. . . I just want to be alone for a little while, okay? I'm really tired."

James nodded reluctantly and started to leave the room. "Logan," He said, turning at the last minute. "Kendall told me to wait until later to talk to you but I can't do that. I need to make sure _right now_ that you know you're more important to me then the tour or any other part of my dream. Because you haven't been yourself in such a long time and I can't shake the feeling that you're blaming yourself for everything and Logan, it's not true. You can't help what happened, okay? I just. . . all I want anymore is the old Logan. I miss him."

Logan's vision of James was blurred by tears that he hurried to blink away. "I'm sorry," He whispered, wanting to make his friend feel better.

But his apology only upset James even more. "Logan," He said with a sigh, straightening up from the wall he had been leaning against. He walked over to Logan and sat down on his bed next to him. "Stop apologizing, please? Just getting better because. . . because you're scaring me and I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you."

James had put an arm over Logan's shoulders and as his confession came out in a rush, Logan stiffened slightly, his heart speeding up. Did James know? He risked a glance at his friend and nearly cried in relief. No, he didn't. He was really just worried. "Jay," He asked, using one of two childhood nicknames for James. "What did I do to deserve you as a friend? And Kendall and Carlos. I mean, I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I've been screwing up so much and I'm really not that special and I can't do anything cool like you and I'm awkward and-" He stopped when James withdrew his arm from around his shoulders. He wanted to kick himself for slipping up and saying so much out loud.

James had never looked so serious is his life. He had never been so serious. "Logie," He said with a pained smile. "Don't you know that we'd be nothing without you?" He moved and put his arms around Logan, holding him tight because he felt like no matter what he said or did, his friend was slipping away. "I wish you could see how much you mean to all of us." He murmured.

Logan _did_ see. He saw how much he meant to all of them and it broke his heart because of what he was doing to them without their knowledge. He couldn't understand it. He felt the shoulder of his shirt become damp and then he heard quiet sniffing and he realized with horror that James was crying. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ He told himself as he lifted his heavy feeling arms to return James' embrace. "Don't cry," He pleaded.

"Then come back," James said, only crying harder. He felt horrible for breaking down when it was clearly Logan who needed someone to be strong for him but he couldn't stop the flow of tears.

"What's wrong?" Kendall and Carlos had suddenly appeared in the doorway, looking concerned and worried. "James? Logan, is he hurt?"

The sight of his other friends filled Logan with relief and he shook his head wildly. "No," He whispered, his voice shaking. "He. . . he's just upset." He regretted everything he had said so much. James was already upset and his words were like salt to open wounds. It was his fault James was crying. He wanted to apologize but somehow he knew it would just upset James even more.

Kendall watched in shock at first. He had never seen James so vulnerable before. He hadn't realized just how upset his friend was over the whole mess with Logan. While Kendall had been watching over his younger brother, James had been watching over Carlos, leaving his emotions to lay in wait until they had consumed him. He should have seen it coming. James was passionate and extreme about everything, especially with what he cared about. It made perfect sense.

Carlos watched in perfect silence as James struggled for a control that had abandoned him. His resentment of James and Kendall for accusing Logan of taking his Ritalin disappeared altogether and Carlos just wanted his friends to come back in one piece. Because as he glanced at Kendall and saw how guilty he looked, Carlos became certain that he was the sanest of them, and that was saying something.

"Sorry," James finally muttered, pulling away from Logan and wiping at his red eyes in embarrassment. "I guess I'm a little more tired than I thought. I didn't mean to fall apart on you like that, Logan. It's the last thing you need."

Kendall left and came back with a box of tissues. "Here," He said softly. "Look guys, I really think it is for the best that we're home now. There will be other tours and our health and sanity and friendship is way more important. Let's just all focus on the fact that we can relax now and . . . get totally better."

To the great relief of his friends, Logan nodded. "You're right, Kendall." He said, still shaken up by James' tears. "I think I'm glad to be home too. It's just that I felt so bad about everything. I still do. But I'm sure I'll get over it. I guess I just wasn't ready and hopefully next time I will be."

"You will, Logie." Carlos said confidently, grateful that he could finally find something to say. "But don't think about that right now."

"Carlos is right," Kendall said. "Just relax for now, Logan. You need it. We all do."

"Are you okay now, James?" Logan asked, worriedly.

James didn't hesitate and shook his head. "Nope. But I will be when you are." He stood up and gave Logan a pathetic smile. "Let's watch _Miracle _later or something, after we rest."

"Thanks, James." Logan said quietly. "For everything." James had given him hope that he really did belong with his friends and he hadn't told Kendall and Carlos about his doubts. Logan was grateful because he had already burdened everyone with so much.

Kendall watched as James nodded meaningfully and then turned to leave the room. He was just about to question the short transaction between his two friends when there was a loud thud as James tripped over Logan's open suitcase and hit the floor hard.

"Whoa!" Carlos said in admiration. "Nice one, James! You're okay, right?"

"Fine," James grunted, waiting for the air to return to his lungs. "Sorry, Logan. I'll pick everything-"

"Logan!" Kendall interrupted James. He dropped to his knees in front of the spilled contents of Logan's suitcase and withdrew a plastic bag filled with little blue pills. Kendall stared at them, his heart racing and then finally turned around to face his friend. "Logan, what is this?"

**A/N. So short but I'm short on time. Hopefully I'll be able to update soon but I'll be busy writing a paper that will most likely fail. LET ME DIE. I love you all. Go Red Sox!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N. I don't own anything.**

Logan felt like all the air supply had just been sucked out of his lungs, the room, and the whole world. He couldn't breathe as he stared in horror at the bag of pills Kendall held in his hand. They weren't supposed to be on the top of his suitcase where anyone could find them. They were supposed to be buried deep, hidden in a sock for extra security. What had happened? How could he have been so stupid? He didn't have time to question his stupidity thought because it dawned on him that Kendall, James and Carlos were all still waiting for his explanation. He didn't have one.

"Um," He said, fighting through the waves of panic that threatened to bring him to his knees. But all he could see was the shock and disbelief on Kendall's face and the hurt and betrayal on Carlos' face. James' face was impossible to read, perfectly blank. Logan cleared his throat and tried again. "Um, remember w-when I got m-mugged?" He asked, grasping onto the only idea that would come to him. He felt fear rush through him when Kendall merely nodded and didn't respond verbally. "T-the two guys, J-James and. . . and Greg," Was that the other kid's name? Logan could just barely think straight so recalling a guy's name when he had crossed paths with him once was difficult. That wasn't the point though. "A-anyway, they g-gave me those."

"Why?" Kendall finally found his voice again. "Why did they give you these? Logan, you didn't. . . you didn't ask for them did you?"

"No," Logan said, terrified at how smoothly the lie slipped out. He was calmer now, the solution becoming more clear. "W-when I r-ran into them they asked me why I had been crying. So I told them about. . . about the argument we had before I left and they laughed at m-me and told me that they could g-give me something so that you guys could be r-right. T-then they took my money and gave me those. They're. . . antidepressants. I didn't t-take any-"

"Then why do you still have them?" Kendall's voice rose slightly but when he heard Carlos whimper, he took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Why didn't you give them to the police, Logan?"

"Because I was so upset with myself and everything that's been happening lately that I was thinking of. . . of trying them." Logan blurted out. "I know it's stupid and it's just made me feel even worse lately but I don't know what else to do."

Kendall's eyes flashed in anger and fear. "Gee, I don't know." He said sarcastically. "Maybe tell someone about it? We're your best friends, Logan. You can trust us to help you. Why didn't you tell us that you've. . . been depressed?"

Carlos and James were silent as they watched their friends go back and forth between demanding explanations and offering explanations. Their faces were pale and anxious and both of them were close to tears. They saw Kendall, their fearless leader, torn between anger at Logan for lying to them, and fear for his apparent depression that he had kept secret for so long. They saw Logan, trying with all his might to keep his emotions together, but losing more with every second that passed. They didn't know what to do.

"I-I'm sorry," Logan sank back down on his bed, his legs shaking far too much to hold him upright. "You all had so much on your mind and I was already causing enough trouble. They're antidepressants and I figured that if I needed them it wouldn't hurt-"

"But what if they had lied to you?" Kendall asked. "For all you know Logan, these could be poisoned somehow. I mean, they took your money and beat you up so why would you trust them to give you something?"

"I don't know," Logan buried his face in his hands, too ashamed to look at his friends anymore. Inside his chest, his heart beat wildly. If he was able to convince them then it would be the last lie he would ever tell. He would stop taking drugs too. It wasn't his intention but he made them feel guilty all over again. Soon, he heard Kendall move and sit down next to him.

"Logie," Kendall whispered, wrapping an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders. "I wish you had told us all of this sooner. You don't have to be afraid of telling us anything, you should know that. We've been best friends since we were five."

"I know,"

"Did you think we would get mad at you?" Kendall pressed, desperate for answers.

Logan shook his head. "Not really," He whispered.

Kendall looked up at James and Carlos, unsure of what to say next. Logan was hardly talking to him. "Did you think Gustavo would get mad at you?"

A tiny laugh escaped Logan. "Yeah, but I don't really care. I have you guys to back me up."

At that, Kendall felt a little relieved. Logan at least knew that he could depend on them when Gustavo gave him a hard time. But it was the deeper issue that continued to worry him. "Logan," He said slowly, his voice shaking. "If you really think you're depressed then maybe you need to go to a doctor."

"I don't know," Logan sighed. "Maybe I do just need to relax here at home."

"I don't want you to be depressed, Logie." Carlos finally spoke up, his voice conveying his heartbreak. He was scared.

Logan smiled and motioned Carlos to join him and Kendall on the bed. "Don't worry, buddy." He said softly. "Let's just give it a little time okay?"

"How much time though?" Kendall asked, perfectly serious. "Because I think we gave you too much time on the tour. I think we made a mistake in believing you when you said you were okay and now we're paying the price. I'm afraid of giving you more time."

"Me too," Logan said honestly. "But. . . I don't want to go to a doctor about this. Not yet. I think that now that we're home I should be fine. Really, Kendall. I do. Please, just give me another chance?"

Kendall pressed him lips tightly together and thought. Then he closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "Okay," He said. "But we'll be keeping our eyes on you and watching you closely, right guys?"

"Yes," Carlos said, more serious than he had ever been in his entire life.

"James?" Kendall asked, looking at James who was still on the floor across the room. "Does that sound good to you?"

James didn't answer at first. His hazel eyes, still slightly red from crying stared at the bag of pills that Kendall still clutched in his hands. Finally, he nodded and gave them a stiff smile. "Sure," He said, his voice cracking under the strain that he felt. He stood up and set Logan's suitcase upright. "I'm tired. Jet lag, you know. I'm going to go lay down." He forced his smile to widen a bit and then he left Carlos and Kendall sitting with Logan.

Kendall watched him go, confused. One minute, he had been in tears over Logan's evasiveness and the next minute after Logan had confessed, he was practically walking out on him. Lost, he turned to Logan and pulled him into a hug. "Thanks for telling us, buddy. I know it probably wasn't easy but we're here for you, okay? We'll love you no matter what."

Logan struggled to keep his composure but James' departure had left a hole in his heart. He didn't believe Logan. He was right not to believe him. But Kendall and Carlos were still at his side, comforting him and telling him they believed in him. He couldn't do it anymore. Pulling out of Kendall's embrace, he sniffed and wiped at his eyes. "Thanks, guys." He said, forcing a weak smile. "That really means a lot to me."

"You'll be okay, Logie." Carlos promised. "You wanted to. . . to take the drugs but you didn't. And now you told us so we're going to help you and you'll be fine."

More than anything, Logan wanted to believe Carlos. But the despair he had felt since the whole disaster started was weighing on him more heavily than ever. He felt like he was drowning and even though two of his best friends were right by his side, he felt alone.

"And we'll talk to James too," Kendall said, noticing the way Logan flinched at the mention of their fourth friend. "He'll come around." Inside, he was furious at James' selfish actions. Just because he was mad at Logan for putting his _stupid_ dream on hold. Logan had been so close to the edge and James was _mad _at him. Kendall was mad at James. He thought he had become less selfish lately over his worry for Logan but apparently he was wrong

"Kendall, no." Logan whispered, making Kendall realize he must have said something aloud. "Don't be mad at James. "He-" But what could he say? He was positive that James had left because he suspected that Logan was lying. He felt incredibly guilty and terrified that he might be dividing James from Kendall and Carlos but he was sure that he could fix things. Kendall had the stupid antidepressants and there was no way he was getting them back. He was also sure that Kendall would hide the other medications from him. Everything would be fine, eventually.

"He what, Logan?" Kendall asked, trying to stay calm.

"J-just," Logan couldn't let this happen. He couldn't let Kendall blame James for anything. "He's fine. Just let him rest. We all need rest. Please, Kendall?"

Kendall sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, Logie. We'll give you and James some time to adjust and then see how it goes from there." What he wanted to do was beat James into the ground or- no, not really. Kendall mentally kicked himself for being so harsh. James needed time and if he didn't get over himself then Kendall had a right to at least talk to him. But Logan was more important now. He needed to focus on Logan. James could sit and pout in his room for all Kendall cared.

Carlos was confused. James was apparently annoyed with Logan which didn't make any sense. Sure it was a disappointment that they had needed to cancel but Logan's health was way more important and James had to know that. But Carlos didn't want Kendall to be mad at James either. He just wanted things back to normal. "I think we all need naps," He said with a sigh. "Maybe we'll feel better tomorrow."

A smile replaced the frown on Kendall's face. "I think Carlos is right," He said giving Carlos a pat on the shoulder. "We're all tired but we're home now. We can relax. Griffin said that we're taking a two week break with nothing to do and then we'll get back to rehearsing. He also said that maybe we'll do a few small shows here and there. There's nothing to be upset about as long as we're all safe, happy, and healthy." He was confident that the two weeks off would give them all exactly what they needed.

Carlos nodded, cheered up by the return of Kendall's confidence. He bounced to his feet and fixed both of his friends with a wide grin. "Nap time then!" He yawned and stretched to add to the effect.

Logan laughed a little and rubbed the back of his neck. His nervous eyes moved to Kendall who was standing as well. "Thanks, guys." He said sincerely.

Kendall nodded but he was distracted. "Sure, Logie." He held up the plastic bag of pills and stared at them as if he was willing them to disappear right in front of his eyes. They had all come so close to losing Logan but it looked like they got to him just in time. "I think I'll take these though if you don't mind." He tried to joke but it didn't work out. "You promise you didn't take any of these, Logan?'

"Yes," Logan said, relieved to be telling the truth. He hadn't even had time to take one of the little blue pills. "I promise and I'm really sorry that I even thought about taking them and that I lied to you and told you everything was okay. I'm sorry I ruined everything and-"

"Stop apologizing," Carlos interrupted. "We're just glad you told us in the end." He smiled and gave Logan a quick hug before shoving him back down on the bed and backing away. "Get some sleep now, buddy."

Logan obediently laid down and closed his eyes. He heard Kendall and Carlos leave and he curled into himself, conflicting emotions pouring through him at a dizzying pace. He was glad to be home where hopefully he could get a grip but he was upset that he hadn't been able to function on the tour. His friends were all worried and mad and it was all his fault. The solution was simple. He just had to stop taking the drugs. Kendall would make it easy for him.

**A/N. I am sad that BTR lost at the KCAs tonight and I am sad that this doesn't get as many reviews as I thought it would. I am going to curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days. On the bright side I have a new story idea but it won't happen until this or 'Head On Collision' is finished. So yeah. I'm off to my sock drawer now.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N. Fan Fiction has been horrible lately but hopefully the powers that be that things straightened out. -crosses fingers- Read on! Oh, and everyone please tell me that I need to end either this or HOC before I start me new story. Because I don't even have a title so it's pointless lol. Anyway, I still don't own anything. How sad.**

Logan's eyes fluttered open and he stared at the room around him. It took him a while to realize that he was back in his room in the Palm Woods. He yawned and stretched before sitting up slowly. Glancing at the clock besides his bed he saw that it was 7:36 in the morning. He was still tired but he felt more rested than he had been in a long time. A surge of pleasure rushed through him. He didn't need his stupid sleeping pills anymore and that meant he wouldn't need anything to pick him back up.

He decided there was no point in staying in bed. It was almost eight and even though he had nothing to do, he was bored laying around and doing nothing. Since he was awake, he might as well be productive. He could unpack from the stupid tour and then see if there was anything around the apartment that he could help with. Logan stood up, shaking off the strange lightheaded feeling he got when he was on his feet. "I'm just tired." He muttered to himself. "I'll wake up in a little while."

The apartment was quiet but that didn't surprise Logan. He and all his friends had been exhausted by the most recent turn of events. He scowled, wishing he forget it had even happened. But the ache that was present all throughout his body was an unpleasant reminder. He flinched at his appearance in the bathroom mirror and washed his hands, careful to keep his gaze on his hands.

"Logan? Are you okay, sweetie?"

_ No more lies. _Logan scolded himself before turning around to answer his mother. "I'm a little sore," he admitted. "But I feel a lot better. I slept really well." He couldn't help but smile, pleased at how good it felt to be honest again. He stepped past her out of the bathroom and leaned against the wall in the hallway. "I'm glad to be home."

She smiled but a hint of sadness stopped it from reaching her eyes. "I'm glad you're all home too," she said quietly. "Katie and I missed you. I'm just sorry all of this had to happen to you."

Logan shrugged lightly, trying not to wince. "Better me than anyone else," he said firmly.

"You boys," Mrs. Knight shook her head. "You all feel that way, don't you? You're so fortunate to have each other."

A lump grew in Logan's throat. "I know," he whispered, trying to push away any bad memories that were fighting to come to the surface. He was getting better now. All of that was in the past.

"Come on," she seemed to sense the sensitivity of the issue and laid a hand gently on his shoulder. "You must be hungry. I don't think any of you ate last night."

Logan nodded and followed her down the hall to the stairs where he slowed his pace even though a tortoise could probably beat him in a foot race. "Am I the only one up so far?" he asked as he carefully navigated the stairs.

"As usual," she gave him a full smile this time as she entered the kitchen. "Are you hungry for anything special?"

"Nope," Logan sank down in a chair and watched her pull out the ingredients for her special homemade pancakes. "I guess everyone will be waking up pretty soon."

It was a relief to hear her laugh at his small joke. The sound broke up any remaining tension between the two of them and they fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes while Mrs. Knight mixed the ingredients.

As Logan predicted, the smell of the pancakes cooking brought everyone stumbling sleepily out of their beds to join the other two in the kitchen. "Mornin'." Kendall mumbled around a yawn. "Logie, are you feeling any better?"

Logan tried not to cringe under Kendall's gaze but it was easier to just her the words. He couldn't stand to see the green eyes that were still filled with worry and disappointment. "Better than I have in a while," he replied calmly. "I'm a little sore but it's not really a big deal."

"Yes it is," Carlos argued as he sat down next to Logan at the table. "You never should have gotten hurt in the first place. But," he added with a smile. "I'm glad you're feeling better."

James was quiet as he sat down, avoiding Kendall's annoyed gaze. He picked up his fork and played with it nervously, tracing the patterns on the place mat in front of him. In contrast to the other boys' well rested appearances, he looked tired. He leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands as she watched his friends interact with each other. Logan looked better than he had since before the tour, except for the hint of guilt in his eyes every time he looked at James. James frowned, hating that Logan didn't seem to understand that the tour being canceled was no big deal to him.

Apparently, Logan wasn't the only one. James let his eyes wander over to Kendall and almost immediately regretted it. Kendall was really annoyed with him. But James knew exactly why he was annoyed and he was wrong. If only he could tell him that. If only he could tell him that-

"James!"

James snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of Logan's voice. He saw that everyone was staring at him and was quick to put a smile on his face. "Sorry, Logie." he apologized. "I was just thinking. What's up?" Instead of answering, Logan merely gestured to Mrs. Knight who was offering him a choice of orange juice or milk. "Oh." His face reddened slightly and he pointed sheepishly to the carton of milk. "Thanks, Mama K. Sorry for spacing out on you like that."

"Is everything okay, James?" Logan ventured in a hesitant voice.

"Fantastic," James lied. "We're home and you're getting better." He risked another glance at Kendall to see that his friend was now looking confused. At least he wasn't annoyed anymore. "That's all that matters."

"But what about the tour?" Logan pressed, still looking uncertain.

James sighed, nodding in thanks to Mrs. Knight as she placed a plate of pancakes in front of him before he answered Logan. "I told you yesterday and I'll tell you again that I could care less about the tour, Logan. I could care less about any of this," he waved lazily around the room, hoping that Logan knew he meant Big Time Rush. "I care about my friends. I just wish you guys would believe me." The last part slipped out without any conscious intention and he stopped talking altogether and bit his lip, wishing he could take those words back. The last thing Logan needed was another stupid reason to feel guilty.

"Sorry," Logan spoke softly and glanced down at his plate, toying with his food as an uncomfortable silence filled the room.

Carlos finally sighed loudly so that everyone jumped at the noise. Having gotten their attention, he sat up and glared at all of them. "Can we just please forget about the tour?" He begged. "It didn't work out. Big deal. There will be other chances. I don't want to talk about this one anymore." His eyes had become suddenly bright with tears as he eyed Logan. "I want to forget it ever happened."

"I think Carlos is right," Mrs. Knight finally broke in and laid one hand on Logan's shoulder and the other on Carlos' shoulder. "Yes, it was a huge disappointment, but it could have been worse. You're all home safe and sound, more or less in one piece. Like James said, that's all that matters. I think it would be best for all of you to just move on now."

Kendall nodded and looked apologetically at James who merely shrugged. "So," he said, hoping to lighten the atmosphere. "If we're moving on, what do you do now?"

"Finish breakfast," Carlos replied, already looking happier. "Then we can watch a movie or something else that's really relaxing."

"Can we watch-"

"No, we're not watching _Miracle_!" Kendall and Carlos interrupted James at the same time.

"Wait," Logan said before James could protest. "Didn't we say we would watch it yesterday? So what if we've seen it a thousand times before? A thousand and one times never hurt anyone." He wasn't too thrilled with watching it himself, but James _had_ wanted to watch it the other day and it was his favorite movie and Logan felt bad over the most recent events. Watching _Miracle_ wouldn't make up for everything that had happened but if it made James feel a tiny bit better then it was worth it.

Since neither Carlos or Kendall were about to protest Logan, they simply nodded their heads and grinned when James looked pleased. Then they fell to talking casually over absolutely nothing of importance while they finished their breakfast while Mrs. Knight and Katie, who had just joined them, watched. Everything seemed like it was finally improving.

When they were finished eating, James, eager to get to his favorite movie, stood up and cleared away all the dishes, then stood impatiently in front of the kitchen table. "Ready?" he asked hopefully.

Logan stood up slowly, one arm around his ribs, and smiled. "I am," he replied, trying to hide most of his pain. His body was aching and felt incredibly stiff but he was determined to ignore the discomfort. A couple of Tylenol would help but he wasn't about to take anything, especially after what had happened the night before.

The boys walked over to the large orange sofa and after James set the DVD up, they all sat down and, with the exception of James, resigned themselves to watching _Miracle_ yet again. They realized though, shortly after it started, that they didn't really mind. It was the first time in months that they had actually been able to relax and enjoy hanging out together. Logan was able to completely forget about all of his earlier problems as he and Kendall and Carlos watched James more than they watched the movie.

"You'd think he's never seen it before," Carlos whispered to them as they stared in amusement at James who was glued to the TV, watching the first match-up between the United States and Russia.

Kendall grinned. "Yeah, except for the fact that he can quote the entire thing from beginning to end."

Logan bit his lip to keep from laughing. It was true. No matter how many times they watched the movie, James acted like it was his first time. The end was obviously the best part because of the intensity of the game. "You know," he observed quietly. "I always forget that they didn't win the gold medal when they beat Russia. They still had to beat Finland."

Instead of shushing Logan, James turned to his friend and nodded, looking so serious that it was hard not to laugh at him. "I know. I wonder what it was like to actually be there and see it happen for real. I mean, this is just the _movie_." He sighed as the current scene ended, looking disappointed that the United States had lost even though he knew the result. "I wish something exciting in sports would happen now."

"I thought you were the hockey nut," Logan muttered to Kendall. He turned to James then to make a point. "The Red Sox in 2004, the White Sox in 2005, the New York Giants in 2008, and there have been plenty of other upsets and big wins in sports."

James shrugged. "Maybe," he said not sounding convinced at all. "I just wish I could have seen this live. But then again, I'd have to be at least eight back then to appreciate it and by now I'd be. . . like, forty." He made a face at the thought and shook his head. "Never mind, I like being sixteen now. I can hang out with you idiots."

"Who's the idiot?" Kendall shot back with a laugh.

"We all are," James replied as if it were obvious. "That's why I put up with you three and that's why you three put up with me." He shrugged. "I think it makes sense, don't you?"

"Sure, but I think only idiots like us would understand." Carlos grinned.

They all laughed but this time, James raised a finger to his lips, suddenly intent on watching whatever was happening. No one complained. The last hour or so had been just what they needed and they all hoped the the normality would continue.

When the movie finally ended, with the United States beating Russia and Carlos tackling James to the floor in a wrestling match, Kendall glanced over at Logan. "Now what?" he asked over the shouts of their two best friends.

Logan shrugged. "I don't really know. It's nice to decide for ourselves what we want to do, isn't it?"

Kendall grinned, delighted by how much better Logan seemed already. He had thought about telling their mother about the antidepressants but everything seemed better. It would be unnecessary to have her worry about something else. Logan would be fine. He was already fine. He was smiling and laughing even though it had to bother his ribs. He looked. . . peaceful.

James suddenly stood up and pulled Carlos to his feet. "Carlos and I are going down to the lobby to get smoothies!" he told Kendall and Logan cheerfully. "Wanna come?"

A shadow fell over Logan's face and dimmed his smile. "Not really," he said uncomfortably. "I don't. . . I don't want everyone to see me and stare."

"Well then," James traded a look with Carlos. "We'll bring you and Kendall one. What do you guys want?"

They took the orders and after saying that they would return shortly, left the apartment. Kendall and Logan watched them go in amusement. "They're crazy," Logan said fondly. "We all are, I think."

"I don't know, Logie," Kendall chuckled. "You're pretty normal to me. Then again, you're pretty crazy to want to hang out with us. But we're all really glad that you do."

"Me too," Logan said honestly, able to forget his thoughts the other day about how he didn't belong. He was happiest when he was with them and they, for some reason, were happy when he was with them. Maybe there didn't have to be a reason. "Kendall?"

"What's up?"

Logan stared at the blank TV, trying to think of how to put his thoughts into words. "I just wanted to say thanks for everything. The tour sucked and no matter what you say, I still think it was my fault. But. . . it's okay now because I have you guys and I know that for whatever reason, you'll always stick with me. That. . . that just means a lot. You have no idea how much it means."

Kendall put an arm gently around Logan's shoulders. "You're our best buddy, Logie." he said quietly. "Of course we'll always be there for you. No matter what happens."

The apartment door opened again and both boys turned to see James and Carlos walk in. "What," Logan began, as he and Kendall stared in disbelief. "James, what is that?"

"Smoothies," James replied, looking confused. Then comprehension dawned on his face and he turned to Carlos, grinning. "Oh, yeah. Carlos found him outside the lobby and we sneaked him past Bitters. Isn't he cute?"

Carlos held up the gray kitten in his hands and approached Kendall and Logan so that they could see him better. "I'm going to keep him," he said confidently. "His name is Muffins."

**A/N. Lol. The ending doesn't make sense now but it will. It will. In the meantime I shall work on C30 for HOC because I'm excited about what happens. Also, I am having a mid-life crisis right now which obviously means I'm going to die when I'm forty. Whoo. Review?**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N. I'm having a little trouble with Writer's Block for this story so I apologize if this chapter is. . . not good lol. I don't own anything.**

"Guys!" Logan exclaimed, standing up quickly before he remembered his injuries. He winced and tried to shake off Kendall at the same time. "I'm fine," he said quietly. "I will be. Just give me a minute." He sighed when Kendall ignored him and continued to hover anxiously.

"Sorry, are you okay?" Carlos approached him, forgetting all about the kitten in his concern for Logan.

Logan backed up, eying the small animal skeptically. "Exactly where did you find that?" he asked.

"Right outside the lobby," James told him. "What's wrong, Logan?"

Logan looked frustrated. "You guys can't just bring a stray cat in here without taking it to a vet! You have to be sure that it's not sick and infected with rabies or anything like that. It could be dangerous."

"But, Logan!" Carlos protested unhappily. "We couldn't just leave him out there all alone!" He stroked the animal's head. "He might have starved to death or gotten hit by a car or maybe Bitter would have-"

"So that's when you call Animal Control." Logan sighed. "Let the professionals, who know how to do their job safely, get him."

Kendall grinned, happy to see Logan acting so normally. He and James and Carlos always used to say that Logan worried too much and that he over thought things too much but it was better than having him pale and listless like he had been for so long. "Logan is right, guys." he spoke up, interrupting another protest. He eyed the cat warily. "How should we go about this?"

Logan looked surprised that Kendall was asking him for advice. "Uh," he frowned at the cat and glanced around the room. "Well, we can put her in a box or laundry basket or something like that and then take her to the vet. If he or she is healthy, then we can keep her as long as we get permission from Mr. Bitters."

James scoffed. "Bitters isn't going to give us permission. He hates us."

"True," Logan acknowledged him with a nod and a grin. "I can't really blame him after all the trouble we've caused here. But you never know. Just. . . when we're taking the cat downstairs and outside, try not to let him see. I don't think that it'll help with anything if he finds out you guys tried to sneak a cat in here."

"Right!" Carlos agreed, looking serious for the first time. "What do you think would hide it best?" He looked around the room, seeing nothing that could be of use to them. "Logie?" he asked hopefully.

Logan gave in with a sigh and shook his head. "Fine," he said in resignation. "Give me a second to think." He was afraid to look away from the kitten but at the moment it was sleeping soundly in Carlos' arms. "Kendall, where does Mom keep her laundry baskets?"

"Hall closet," Kendall started walking. "I'll get it, Logie."

"Overprotective worry-wart." Logan muttered under his breath. "What does he think I'm going to do, trip over something and break my arm?"

"You never know!" James said cheerfully. "He's just looking out for his little bro, Logan."

"I'm only a few more months younger than him." Logan protested.

"Yeah, but you're several inches shorter!" James looked down at his hands and realized he was still holding the smoothies. "Here, take yours and Kendall's." He patted Logan gently on the shoulder. "That will give you something to do!"

Logan couldn't help but smile. He knew that James was just trying to make him feel better by teasing him. "Thanks, James." he said gratefully.

Kendall returned with a laundry basket before James could reply and held it out for Carlos to put the kitten in. "Is that all?" he asked skeptically. "It doesn't do much of hiding it."

"Um," Logan snapped his fingers. "Carlos, go get your dirty laundry!"

"But Logan, that would mean that I have to unpack it!" Carlos complained.

Logan gave him a gentle shove toward the stairs. "Go," he commanded. "Or you'll never see Muffins again."

Carlos' eyes widened and he hurried up the stairs to obey Logan's orders. The boys heard him thumping around in his room before there heard him call out, "All of it?"

"Just enough to cover our stowaway and make it look like we have an actual load of laundry worth washing. Mom already has a load in our washer so we'll just make a quick stop at the laundromat on the way to the vet." Logan glanced up at Kendall, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment. "You have money on you, right?"

"Sure, but don't-" Kendall stopped in the middle of his question and winced. How could he have forgotten that the jerks who had beaten Logan up had also taken all of his money? "Yeah, it won't be a problem."

"Good," Logan replied softly, looking down at the floor. With nothing better to do, he handed Kendall his smoothie. "Here."

"Okay, I'm ready!" Carlos yelled. "Watch out below!"

The three waiting boys neatly sidestepped the dirty laundry that suddenly came barreling out of the slide and exchanged grins. "All right then," Logan bent carefully, ignoring his friends' protests and gently dropped a pile of clothes on the kitten who only stirred very slightly. "He's a sound sleeper." he commented.

"You don't think he's sick do you? Or. . . is it a she?" Carlos looked worried.

"We'll find out." Logan told him. "Come on, let's go." He scribbled a note to Mrs. Knight and Katie, explaining the situation and then opened the door.

"Poor Muffins," James nudged Carlos gently before he bent to pick up the basket. "He or she has to smell your dirty laundry. Although. . . since we got him or her of the streets, it might not be that big of a deal."

Carlos laughed. "If you weren't holding Muffins. . ." he warned.

"But I am!" James laughed. "So I'm safe."

"Shhh!" Logan warned. "Keep it down, guys. We're gonna get caught." He followed at a slower pace than the rest of his friends, frowning when Kendall tried to slow down. "I'm fine, Kendall. Go make sure James doesn't drop it or anything."

"I'll wait with Logan!" Carlos dropped back behind James and shoved Kendall ahead. "Go on, man!" He glanced at Logan, a frown taking over his happy face. "Are you okay, Logan?"

Logan nodded. "Fine. I mean, I'm a little sore but it's no big deal." He tried to sound as confident as possible and was thankful when Carlos smiled again, seemingly convinced. Inside though, he couldn't help but wonder if he really was okay. His head was beginning to ache and he felt ridiculously nervous and shaky as he made his way carefully down the stairs. Maybe he was getting sick or. . .

_No_. Fear suddenly made it hard to think straight as Logan followed Carlos out into the sunshine. There was no way. It hadn't been a problem for long enough to come to this. He was just recovering from the tour and maybe he was getting sick. That made more sense. Logan nodded to himself and took a deep breath, trying to push the sickening thought away. He tried to avoid thinking about ho dizzy he had felt earlier in the day and how despite his positive act, he had felt somewhat off all day long. He was getting sick, that had to be what was wrong with him.

"Logan, if you're getting sick, then maybe you should go back up and lay down."

Logan looked up in surprise at Kendall and saw that all three of his friends were watching him. He blushed, realizing he must have voiced some of his thoughts aloud. "No way," he disagreed. "If I am getting sick then it's just a harmless cold."

"Maybe, but should you really be out anyway?" Kendall asked doubtfully as he opened the car door for James and shoved his friend inside.

Logan sighed in relief. At least they had gotten the kitten past everyone without being noticed. So why didn't he feel any better? The relief soon disappeared and he glanced over his shoulder to be sure that no one had followed them. "Did anyone ask what we were doing?" he asked, feeling paranoid.

Carlos looked confused. "No," he said slowly. "No one noticed us, Logie. There weren't even that many people in the lobby when we went by. I guess they're all at lunch or something."

"Oh," Logan tried to laugh it off. "Well, I guess we had perfect timing then. Come on, let's go." He put his hand on the door handle, pausing when he felt Kendall continue to stare at him. "I'll be fine," he insisted. "I need to get out and do something or I'll go crazy." He wondered, as he spoke, just how close to the truth those words were.

* * *

"Well, sir?" Carlos asked as the four boys watched the middle aged man carefully inspect the small kitten.

"Well, other than being slightly malnourished, I'd say she's in perfectly good health." The vet looked up, adjusted his glasses and smiled.

"She?" James glanced at Carlos, his eyebrows raised. "You called it a he earlier."

"How was I supposed to know?" Carlos asked. "Besides, then I was calling it a he or a she."

Logan rubbed the side of his head with his fingertips. James and Carlos had been going back and forth with each other for the past forty-five minutes and though they meant nothing by it, his headache was only increasing until he was beginning to wish he had stayed home. "How old is. . . she?" he asked, feigning interest to keep Kendall from staring at him in concern.

"I'd say about six or seven weeks." the vet answered. "Though from the looks of things, she hasn't been on her own for all that time. She would have been much thinner. She was probably raised on her mother's milk and then separated from her somehow. Was she alone when you found her?"

Carlos and James both nodded. "We looked around a little too," Carlos added. "But we didn't see anything."

The vet nodded and smiled at them. "Well, I can give her a bill of health because like I said, she's just a little hungry." He took a small bag of kitten food from on the counter and gave a handful to the little animal, watching as she picked at it cautiously before eating it.

"Can we keep her?" Carlos asked hopefully.

"We have to get Mr. Bitter's permission first," Logan reminded his friend. "Then if he says yes, we should probably go to the local pet store and pick up some things." He looked up at the vet wearily. "What do you recommend?"

"Food, a litter box, a collar. . ." the vet trailed off and shrugged. "The basics. I'm going to give you some medication to give her too. Just until she's at a healthier weight." He scribbled something down on his notepad and then handed the paper over to Kendall. "Bring this back if you are able to keep her and we'll fill it out for you."

"Thank you, sir." Kendall said gratefully. "Let's go, guys."

Within an hour, they had obtained Mr. Bitter's permission, which was surprisingly easy, and all the basics they would need to care for their new kitten. Logan was exhausted but refused to let that show and forced his act by carrying around kitten and playing with her, pretending that he was perfectly fine. They were back in the vet's office, waiting for the prescription of nutritional vitamins to be filled out. The waiting room was crowded and noisy and Logan was having a difficult time concentrating.

His headache had turned into a full blown migraine so that everything, light and noise and movement, made the pain even worse. James and Carlos were arguing over who would be responsible for emptying the litter box and Kendall was telling both of them to shut up. Logan shifted Muffins so that she rested in the crook of one arm, while he used his free hand to hold his head up. He was so tired and irritable. All he wanted to do was go back to the apartment and sleep. He wanted to forget everything that had happened since his friends had returned with their smoothies and a cat.

A thought had been plaguing him constantly throughout the day and when he was so vulnerable, he couldn't really keep it away. He had felt strange all day and the more time that passed, the less convinced he became of the fact that he could be getting sick. No, he was pretty certain that he was experiencing symptoms of drug withdrawal.

If he had been able to concentrate better, Logan could have figured out how much time had passed since the day he first took Carlos' Ritalin and the day he had stopped. Surely, it hadn't been long enough for him to already go through withdrawal. Was Ritalin addictive? It frightened Logan that such a powerful drug was so common and accessible. It terrified him to know that his most recent problems, the headache, the dizziness, the irritability, could have been caused by the fact that he was no longer taking the drug. What in the world was he supposed to do about that?

There was no way he planned on telling anyone. He had already lied so much to them and let them down that there was no way he could possibly disappoint them further by telling them the truth. If he could just find a solution by himself no one would have to get hurt. But it was nearly impossible to think about anything when his head was pounding so horribly.

Logan's eyes strayed around the room, stopping on a young woman who was waiting with her yellow lab. He stared at her as she pulled a bottle from her purse and took out two Tylenol pills, swallowing them with a gulp of water from her water bottle. He couldn't take his eyes off her, thinking only of how bad he wanted something for his own headache, part of him wanting to get up and either ask her for a couple pills or even forcibly take them from her if she happened to refuse.

"Logan?" James asked quietly. "Are you okay?"

Startled by his friend's voice, Logan turned around. "Where are Kendall and Carlos?" he asked, confused.

"They went to go get the prescription." James nodded to the door at the other side of the room. "They'll be back in a couple of minutes. What. . . what were you staring at?"

Did James know? Logan panicked for a couple of seconds, forgetting his migraine. "Um, I was watching her drink." he finally said lamely. "I'm thirsty."

"Is that all?"

James didn't believe him. His voice was full of doubt and confusion. Logan swallowed hard and nodded, flinching at the waves of pain that the simple motion sent through his body. "Y-yeah," he stammered. "Really thirsty."

James continued to stare at Logan, silently, as if he was trying to think of something to say. "Oh," he whispered. "Well then, I'll be right back."

Logan watched James as his friend stood up and crossed the room to the vending machine. The taller boy fumbled with the handful of change he had pulled out of his pocket and inserted it into the slot. He returned with a water bottle, tossing it to Logan. Logan's hand shot out, grasping clumsily for the bottle but only succeeded in slowing its descent to the floor. "Sorry,"

"Nice hand-eye coordination there, Logie." James said, his tone joking even though there was worry in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thrown it." He bent and picked up the bottle, unscrewing the cap before handing it carefully to his friend. "There."

"Thanks," Logan sighed and took a sip, feeling some relief as the cool liquid slid down his dry throat. He resisted the urge to look back at the woman knowing that it would only arouse more suspicion and focused his attention on the door. The sooner Kendall and Carlos got back, the better.

The door opened unexpectedly and a a man dressed in scrubs stomped angrily out of the room. He turned to the woman behind the receptionist's desk. "I quit." he snapped in answer to her unanswered question. "I'm sick of all those stupid animals and how much they smell. I can find a better job that-"

The rest of the man's rant faded as Logan felt his headache go away. He leaned forward, studying the man. He was obviously an assistant to the vet but one who didn't need a vast amount of animal medical knowledge since he had such a loathing for animals. He probably just ran errands for the vet and gave the patients basic care.

A thought came to Logan. A solution. It scared him even more than the problem but at least it would keep everyone from finding out. Because really, how _would_ they find out? And it would only be a temporary solution until he came up with a better, safer one. Eventually, everything would work out in the end. He just needed a little more time.

**A/N. Okay, wow. It's been about five weeks since I last updated this story. I am so sorry. School is over so hopefully it won't happen again. I hope you guys liked this chapter. Let me know what you thought about it!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N. This is where it starts to get interesting. That makes me happy because there have been times when this story has bored me to tears. Anyway. Interesting or not, I still don't own anything.**

"Why is it such a horrible idea to you?" Logan asked, trying to sound annoyed rather than fearful of the arguments Kendall kept throwing his way.

Kendall sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It's not a horrible idea, Logan. It's a great idea. I think it's great that you want to get a job and working at the vet's would be a good one for you too. It's close by, you're good with animals, you're responsible, the pay would be really good-"

"Then why are you against me working there?" Logan interrupted.

"Because I'm not sure you're ready for it." Kendall said firmly. "I mean look at you!" His voice softened when he saw the hurt flash across Logan's face and the way he suddenly become incredibly self-conscious. "You're still in a lot of pain, Logan. Gustavo gave us a break so you could recover, not be on your feet for eight hours a day, working hard."

"It won't be eight hours a day, it'll be four. It's a temporary position until they find someone permanent. It's not a career, Kendall. I'll go in at eight and be home a little after lunchtime. We'll still have all day to hang out even if I need to lay down for a while when I get home."

Kendall pulled into the Palm Woods lot and parked the car. "I just don't really want you having to rest at all, Logan." he said with a sigh. "I want you to take it easy in general until you're fully recovered."

"How long are you going to be treating me like I'm a baby?" Logan asked as he climbed out of the car, quickly masking his wince of pain when the motion made his ribs ache. "I'm sixteen, Kendall. I can make decisions for myself, you know."

Anyone else would have been hurt by the harsh, impatient words but they only angered Kendall even more. "Maybe because right now, you're not acting like you can make decisions for yourself." he snapped. "At least good decisions."

Logan paled. "What are you talking about?" he asked, trying and failing to keep his voice steady and casual.

Kendall hesitated for the briefest instant and then blurted out what had been troubling him for weeks. "You're still not acting right, Logan." he said, his voice shaking slightly. "Something's wrong. I've known you for eleven years. We all have!" Kendall gestured to James and Carlos who were standing helplessly by. "It's not constant but there are still times when you're acting all wrong. Not. . . not like yourself."

"Like?" Logan pressed, trying to buy time so he could think of a valid excuse.

"Like you're quiet. You've always been quiet but this is different. It's like you're always lost in thoughts that you won't share with us." James broke into the conversation then, his eyes searching Logan's for the answers that he kept hidden. "You're impatient and irritable and. . . you're nervous for no reason, Logan. Are you sure that there's nothing you want to tell us?"

"Positive." Logan said, knowing instantly that none of them believed him.

"Hey guy," Carlos laughed nervously. "How about we talk somewhere else?" He glanced around the parking lot that was hardly private with several people walking to and from their cars, glancing at them curiously as they passed.

"There's nothing to talk about." Logan said before James or Kendall could reply to Carlos. "I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm sorry if I haven't been myself lately. I'm still a little upset about the tour and everything that happened."

Kendall nodded understandingly. "I don't really blame you, Logan." he said gently. "It was a pretty big disaster and even though none of it was your fault, you were at the center of everything. I just wish you could move on."

"Yeah, because snapping at us every five minutes and them apologizing for snapping and everything that isn't your fault is starting to get a little old." James said before he thought better. He was passionate about everything he loved, especially his best friends. But sometimes, his passion got the best of him and he did and said stupid things to try and get his point across. "What about those drugs we found in your suitcase?"

"James!" Carlos exclaimed, horrified.

Logan froze and then glanced around the parking lot. No one seemed to have overheard James' last statement so he relaxed as much as possible. "What about them?" he asked, forcing himself to look straight at James.

"I mean, did you tell the truth when you said that you didn't take any of those pills?" James felt remarkably calm even though Kendall looked like he was ready to murder him and Carlos looked like he was going to cry. He ignored them and looked at Logan who was the only one who knew the truth.

"Yes," Logan's voice was calm because this time, he really was telling the truth. Sort of. He hadn't had any of those particular drugs. That was what James had asked him. "I did tell the truth, James. They took my money, beat me up and gave me those pills. I wanted to get rid of them without you noticing because I knew you would freak out no matter what I said. But with everything that happened I guess I just forgot. I wish you would believe me."

For a second, James wavered and he stepped forward as if to touch Logan's shoulder in that old familiar reassuring way. Then he stopped and shook his head. "So do I," he whispered before turning away and stalking off to the Palm Woods.

The three boys stood perfectly still for a moment, watching James. Then Kendall took off after him, looking furious. Carlos and Logan unloaded the car of the kitten and all of her things that they had bought her and followed at a distance. "Are you okay, Logie?" Carlos asked softly.

Logan nodded, pretending to be focused on James and Kendall so he didn't have to look at Carlos. "I'm fine," he said. "Just a little tired." He tried not to think about the doubt that showed so plainly in James' eyes and the way it merely lingered in Kendall's eyes. He also tried not to think about how for Carlos, there wasn't a single doubt that he was telling the truth.

"I believe you, you know." Carlos said, thinking that Logan was upset just because of James' accusations and Kendall's anger. "I really hate that James and Kendall got you so upset about the stupid Ritalin in the first place. I know you didn't take it and they had no reason to say that you did and then not believe you. They were jerks and James is being a jerk again-"

"No, he's not." Logan said, desperate to save his friend's reputation before things got impossibly worse. "Think about it, Carlos. It makes sense that the thought would at least cross their minds. I wasn't sleeping so I got sleeping pills. But then I couldn't wake up after I took them and I was really groggy and out of it. Suddenly, I recover? What else were they supposed to think?"

"That you were right when you said that all you needed was time to adjust to them." Carlos said simply. "Logan, like Kendall said, we've known each other for eleven years. You're too smart to do something so stupid like get hooked on drugs. You're going to be a doctor for crying out loud."

Tears filled Logan's eyes and he blinked them back, hoping that Carlos hadn't seen. The guilt was nearly drowning him at this point because now he had absolute proof that Carlos had never doubted him. He was letting all of his best friends down by lying to them. They had always had such faith in him and he was throwing it all away for the satisfaction of getting high.

Nothing about the situation was making any sense. All his life, Logan had depended on his friends to help him through whatever he was struggling with. He had never been able to lean on his father or look to him for advice. He had never had that acceptance that every child deserved from their parents because he had been six when his mom died and his father had been lost in his own grief. Too lost to care about his son. But his best friends had _always_ been there for him.

That was why he was so terrified of telling them the truth. They'd be so disappointed and hurt to know that he had lied to them and had become addicted to drugs. They'd be disappointed if they ever found out that he had started taking the Ritalin in the first place. They had always had such high expectations of him to be smart and successful in whatever he chose to do and he was letting them down. If they found out, Logan was almost positive that he would lose their friendship and consequently, the only thing he had ever found life worth living for.

"Logan?"

Carlos was talking to him. Logan jerked out of his thoughts and turned to look at his friend. "Sorry, I didn't hear you," he muttered an apology. "What's up?"

Carlos' brow furrowed in concern. "What were you thinking about just now?" he asked.

"Um, Kendall and James." Logan told him. _And you and how much you'll all hate me if you ever find out._ But he wasn't about to tell Carlos that. "Where did they go?"

"Probably up to 2J," Carlos said, as if the answer was obvious. "Where else would they go?"

Logan was too emotionally spent to think up an answer so he merely shrugged. "Let's go then. We have to put the cat and all her stuff somewhere and we need to all talk."

"Muffins," Carlos corrected distractedly. His thoughts were clearly elsewhere, maybe with Kendall and James, wondering what they were doing, or maybe with wondering what Logan wanted to talk about. It was obvious he just wanted things to go back to normal.

Logan smiled a little. "Right. Muffins."

They reached the elevator and Carlos juggled his armload of things so he could press the correct button. Then as the door closed, he looked right at Logan who seemed to cringe under his direct gaze. "Promise there's nothing going on that we should know about?" he asked abruptly.

_Technically, no._ Logan thought._ Only if you don't want to be my friend anymore._ He was being selfish, holding onto them so tightly. The thought of hurting them so badly after all they had done for him was almost too much to stand. He couldn't imagine anything that would hurt them worse than the truth so he looked straight at Carlos as he spoke. "I promise, Carlos."

A smile broke out and Carlos' face and he relaxed. "Good," he said in relief. "That's what I thought. Come on, then. Let's go get Kendall and James on the right track."

Nearly every word Carlos spoke was like a knife being driven into Logan's heart, twisting painfully at the earnest tone in which they were spoken. Carlos was too good of a person to have Logan as a friend, dragging him down. He didn't deserve the pain that was inevitable no matter how desperate Logan was to hide everything. They had always been so protective of each other but now the attack was coming from within, from Logan himself. He just didn't deserve to live anymore.

They could hear raised voices as soon as they stepped off the elevator. Carlos gave Logan an encouraging smile and then led the way to their apartment room. He shoved open the door and they stepped inside together, hoping to interrupt the argument.

But it was like James and Kendall didn't even notice them come in. Kendall was beyond furious as he stalked around the kitchen area with his fists clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white. James was motionless as he stood in the corner, his arms folded across his chest, meeting Kendall's glare with his own.

"How could you just say that to him? Kendall demanded. "After all we've been through, after all _he's_ been through with that disastrous tour where he almost got himself killed-"

"Because someone around here needs to start being honest!" James shot back. "You can't really believe him when he says that nothing is wrong, can you? Kendall, you're his best friend and his older brother. You know him better than we do."

"Which is why I know that he's telling the truth!" Kendall exclaimed, getting even angrier every time James refused to agree with him.

"Uh, guys?" Carlos set the stuff down on the floor, keeping the kitten in her new carrier. He glanced worriedly at Logan who seemed to want to disappear through the floor.

"How can you?" James asked, instead of getting angrier, only getting more desperate for understanding. "Kendall, he isn't himself. He hasn't been himself since the beginning of the tour. He keeps saying he needs more time but we're home now, Kendall. How much more time does he need?"

"Guys?" Carlos tried again.

"I don't know but however much time it takes, we'll give him." Kendall said stubbornly. "Whatever he needs. And you're not going to get in the way with your stupid dream about-"

"That's what you think this is about?" James asked incredulously. "Kendall, no. It hasn't been about that since Logan told us he was having trouble sleeping. It's been about him and you and Carlos."

"Then why do you keep pushing him?" Kendall demanded. "Why don't you believe him?"

"Do you?" James challenged, instead of answering Kendall.

"Guys!" Carlos shouted to get their attention. "What is your problem? We're best friends, we shouldn't be treating each other like this."

Logan stared down at his shoes, wanting to crawl into bed and go to sleep. And to never ever wake again. "It's my fault." he said quietly. "If I wasn't having so many issues, we wouldn't be at each other's throats like this. I'm sorry."

Carlos glared at Kendall and James. "See? You're not making anything better by fighting like this. You're just making things worse. The tour is over and we can't do anything about it. Let's just all relax while we can and take one day at a time, okay?"

James looked indecisive and then he finally shook his head. "Not until Logan tells us what's really going on." he said firmly, ignoring the way Carlos glared at him and the way Kendall looked lost. Once again, he only looked at Logan.

"Right now?" Logan asked, his voice weary. "Honestly, right now I just want to go to bed and sleep for days. I want to wake up when this whole mess is over. I want all three of you to believe that there's nothing really wrong with me anymore now that we're home. I can't magically get better though. I need a little time. I need you all. . ." he took a deep breath and started all over again. "I need you all to trust me."

Carlos had already been trusting him from the very beginning. Kendall had been on the fence but Logan's words sent him straight across the room to embrace his friend and tell him that he did have his trust. James stood for a few seconds and watched closely for any sign that Logan could be breaking. But his friend looked steadier and stronger than he had in days.

"James?" Logan asked softly.

James swallowed hard and nodded. He left the wall he had been leaning again and pulled Logan away from Kendall and hugged him closely. "I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling a stab of guilt when it became obvious that Logan was near tears. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

The guilt James was feeling was only multiplied and given to Logan when he heard his friend apologize because it was what he wanted to say so badly. James and Kendall didn't need to apologize and neither did Carlos. Logan was the only who owed his friends a thousand apologizes and deserved none of their forgiveness. He wasn't sure who he was hurting worse at this point. James, who's correct assumptions were driving a wedge between him and Kendall and Carlos. Kendall, who wasn't sure what to believe and was so lost and confused that it scared Logan. Carlos, who had unwavering faith in him and who was completely wrong.

That was the first day he wanted to die.

**A/N. Angsty chapter. -dead- I hope you all liked it. It was very easy to write so I hope it wasn't rushed. I still haven't fully revealed the reason for Logan's desire to work at the vet's but it's great and my best friend and angst twin One Man Writing Games thought of it so big thanks to her! I can't wait until you can all read it. Probably the next chapter. I'm gonna update HOC first though. Happy Memorial Day to all and a big thanks to the men and women who have served our country so that we could be free. **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N. I don't own anything.**

"I think it's great that Logan wants to have a job. I think you all should get part-time jobs. It would teach you responsibility, you'd have some extra cash, and you wouldn't have too much free time on your hands." Mrs. Knight smiled at Kendall. "Maybe things would start to settle down a little."

Kendall's lips curved upwards in a quick smile at his mom's teasing. It wasn't long before he was serious once again though and he sighed. "But Mom, do you think Logan is ready for something like this? What if they make him do something that is too much for him and he gets hurt again?"

Blue eyes filled with pride at Kendall's words but they clouded over in a gentle concern. "Sweetie," she began slowly, choosing her words carefully. "I know what happened in New York must have been incredibly scary for you. Believe me, it was terrifying to get a phone call from you in tears telling me everything that happened and knowing I couldn't do anything to help. Logan is just as much my child as you and Katie are and it hurt to know that I couldn't be there to take care of one of my babies."

"I was there," Kendall said bitterly, dropping his head. "And I let him get hurt."

"Kendall," her voice sharpened and forced Kendall to look back up at her. "I am so proud of the young man you've become. You're kind, loyal, mature, and incredibly responsible and protective over everyone. But you have to realize that you're only human. You can't protect everyone from everything."

"Yeah well, couldn't Logan have just stepped off a curb and twisted his ankle or something simple like that?" Kendall joked humorlessly. "Why did he have to get beaten up by two freaks? He doesn't deserve that. No one does."

Mrs. Knight reached across the kitchen table and patted his hand. "You're right, Kendall." she said, her voice soft and gentle all over again. "Logan didn't deserve for something like that to happen to him. But that doesn't mean you can blame yourself."

Deep down, past the brotherly instincts that often clouded his judgment, Kendall knew she was right. It really wasn't his fault that Logan had been mugged. Not directly anyway. He just couldn't shake the heavy weight of responsibility from his shoulders. He nodded mutely, not sure of what to say.

"Look, I think it's best if we just try to put that behind us and move on. I don't think we can forget it completely but we can't let it hold us back. It would be best for Logan if we showed him that we believe he is capable of taking care of himself. Just as long as we're there when he needs us. He's stronger than you give him credit for."

Sometimes, Kendall tried to imagine being in Logan's shoes. Losing a loving mother in the blink of an eye at such a young age. Then losing a father by degrees as he grew up. Being adopted by his best friend's family didn't seem too bad but having his older brother treat him as if he was helpless would probably get old real fast especially if there were only a few months that separated their ages.

His mother was right again. Logan was way stronger than anyone really knew. Kendall wasn't so sure he could handle the things his best friend had handled and remain totally sane. It broke him enough to witness it so how in the world would he experience it? "Okay," he said quietly.

As if reading his mind, she spoke again. "I know it's not easy to let go of someone you care about so much. It's so hard to let go of all of you but I have to let you grow on your own." She smiled a little. "I've been doing that with you for sixteen years, look at how good you turned out!"

Kendall flushed at her praise but grinned. "I was taught well." He paused, thinking over their entire short conversation. "Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime, sweetheart." Mrs. Knight stood up from the table and crossed the room to check on the hamburger meat she was browning for dinner. She paused by Kendall's chair long enough to brush back the blonde hair from his forehead and kiss him gently. "I love you very much and I'm so proud of you." she whispered. "Never forget that."

"Thanks," Kendall shut his eyes and sighed deeply, letting his mother's calming influence soothe his frayed nerves. "I love you too."

"Kendall!" The door opened and Logan walked in, holding a small bag. "I ran out and bought a new Frisbee. Want to find James and Carlos and toss it around before dinner?"

Kendall bit his tongue to keep from asking Logan if he was sure that he was up to something like that. He just wanted to throw it around. It wasn't like they would be running and tackling each other. He caught his mother's eye and saw her nod encouragingly. "Sure-" he started to say.

"Hey, Mom." Logan set the bag down on the table right in front of Kendall and walked over to the counter.

"Hi, Logan." Mrs. Knight laid aside the wooden spoon she had been using to chop up the meat and brought one arm around Logan's shoulders. "How are you feeling, sweetie?"

"Good," Logan said truthfully. "I'm a little sore but it's such a beautiful day outside and I need to do something besides sit around. Are James and Carlos around?"

She rolled her eyes. "Training that kitten you brought home," she said, gesturing up the stairs. "You know, I think that this is actually something that ill hold their attention for longer than a week."

Logan laughed and nodded. "I hope so."

"Speaking of. . . Muffins," Mrs. Knight rolled her eyes and shook her head fondly at the kitten's name. "I thought about it and I think that it would be a great idea for you to work at the vet hospital for a few months."

"Really?" Logan asked hopefully. His gaze slid automatically over to Kendall to see his reaction, surprised when the other boy's face was blank. "I'll call them and let them know right now then. Kendall, do you want to get James and Carlos and I'll meet you all outside?"

Kendall studied Logan, searching for any trace of nervousness that had been there yesterday when they had been fighting about the prospective job. But Logan was a completely different person today, happy and relaxed. There was a trace of doubt in his eyes and Kendall realized it was because he was wondering what he thought about their mother's approval of the job. Logan's suggestion was a sort of peace offering between the two of them. "Okay," he finally relented, finding it nearly impossible to regret it when he saw Logan smile. "See you out there." He stood and pulled the Frisbee from the bag then ran up the stairs to find his other friends.

As his mother had said, James and Carlos were in Carlos' room, playing contentedly with Muffins. "Guys," he said, catching their attention. "Logan ran out and bought a new Frisbee. Want to go throw it around for a while before dinner?"

"Is Logan up for that?" Carlos asked.

Kendall relaxed. At least he wasn't the only one. "I don't know. Hopefully. But it's something he wants to do right now and. . ." his gaze moved to James. "I think we need to trust him on this one."

James nodded and stood up. "Sounds good," he said lightly, as if yesterday's tension had never existed. "Carlos, put Muffins in her carrier while we're out. She's sleepy looking but I bet as soon as we leave, she'll start tearing the place apart."

Carlos obediently scooped up the small kitten and put her in the carrier he kept in the corner of his room. "Bye, Muffins!" he said cheerfully. "Be good!"

"Where's Logan?" James wondered as they made their way down the stairs.

"In his room," Kendall sighed. "He's calling the vet's office and telling him that he'll be working there for a while."

James' eyebrows shot up. "Really?" he asked in surprise. "Everyone's okay with that?"

"Well," Mrs. Knight broke in, answering for Kendall. "I think as a family, we have to let things happen even if we're not completely okay with them. See, I'm not entirely happy that you boys and Katie have to grow up but that's something that's out of my control. I think we have to do what's best for Logan in this case."

"I guess it's best for him because it's showing him that we trust him." Kendall added when James still looked a little confused.

"You guys worry about Logan too much," Carlos said loyally. "He'll be fine and he'll do such a great job that they'll never want to let him go. But he'll come back to us. Just like he always does."

* * *

Logan could just hear Carlos from where he sat in his room with the bed open. He winced, tears filling his eyes. When exactly did Carlos start having such unswerving faith in him? And when did he stop deserving it? Logan didn't know the answer to the first question but he supposed that the answer to the second was the day he took the first Ritalin pill.

"Hello?"

He jumped and focused his attention back to the voice on the other end of his cell phone. "Hi," he said, steadying his shaking voice. "This is Logan Mitchell. I talked to someone the other day about a position that as open. A temporary assistant for the head vet?"

"Ah yes, Logan." the women shuffled papers, the sound reaching Logan. "I'm Doctor Elizabeth Marshall one of the two head vets here. The other one is Bryan Wilson. You'd be an assistant to both of us. Are you calling because you'd like to accept the position?"

Logan opened his mouth to answer her but he stopped. He knew exactly what he was getting himself into and it terrified him. Yet, he couldn't see any way out.

"Logan?"

"I'm sorry," Logan swallowed. "I meant to say that, yes, I'd be glad to help in whatever way possible for as long as you may need me."

"Oh, good." Dr. Marshall said smoothly as if there had never been a single pause in the conversation. "Are you able to start tomorrow morning at 8:00?"

"Yes, that sounds great." Logan said, hoping he could make up for the brief stumble.

"And you would getting out at around 12:00. We have someone else to come in and work then."

Logan nodded as he answered. "Yes, thank you. That all sounds perfect."

"All right," Throughout the entire conversation, she had yet to lose an ounce of professionalism. "We'll both be looking forward to meeting you tomorrow then, Logan. Thank you so much for assisting us at such short notice. I'm sure you'll be just what we need."

Logan could only hope that he would be what they needed. It only seemed fair since they had what he needed. He said goodbye and with a shuddering breath, hung up the phone. He remained sitting on his bed for a few minutes after, resting his head in his hands. "What am I doing?" he whispered into his fingers.

He couldn't stay there for too long so he stood up quickly, slipping his phone in his pocket just in case. Logan hurried down the stairs, smiling casually at his mother, hoping that she wouldn't-

"Well?"

Of course she would want to know how the call went. She was a good mother. The best Logan could ask for, really. Which was exactly why it as so painful to talk to her as if nothing was wrong. As if he weren't betraying her and everyone else. "Great," he said with false cheerfulness. "I start tomorrow."

"Logan, that's wonderful! I'm so proud of you, honey. You're a determined young man." She wiped her hands off on a damp dish towel then moved to hug Logan gently.

"Thanks," Logan said, fighting to keep his smile in place. It was so much easier to pretend when he was by himself. He didn't have to perform his act with such caution, afraid that someone might catch the smallest mistake.

"Well, you'd better head out before they start without you. Remember what happened the last time you weren't there to supervise?"

"You mean the time James bet Carlos and Kendall that he could throw it across the bridge and we lost it forever in the river?" Logan shook his head. "That's why I had to buy a new one in the first place so it better not happen again."

"At least you'll have the money!" Katie popped up out of nowhere it seemed, watching Logan curiously when he jumped. "You're awfully tense." she commented. "Job nerves?"

"Maybe," Logan answered evasively.

"You don't need to be nervous," Katie rolled her eyes. "You're so good at everything."

"Thanks, baby sister." Logan smiled. "I'll see you both in a little while, okay?"

Mrs. Knight nodded. "It should be another half hour," she told him. "I'm making tacos."

Logan started to leave the room and then stopped. "Do you need any help?"

Before their mom could answer, Katie shoved him gently to the door. "I'll help her. You go have some fun for once. You need it."

_What I need is. . . _Logan trailed off, unable to finish the thought. He didn't even know what he needed anymore. Everything was too confusing to know anything for sure. "Okay," he said instead, forcing a small laugh. "I'm going. Thanks again."

Outside, it really was a beautiful day. The sun shone brightly but a light breeze kept the heat from getting unbearable. Logan spotted his friends instantly, already beginning to toss the Frisbee around. "Hey," he greeted them. "We have about thirty minutes so let's get started."

"How did the phone call go?" Carlos asked curiously.

"What? Oh, that phone call." Logan smiled. "Great. I go in tomorrow."

"So soon?" James and Kendall asked at the same time.

"Come on, guys!" Carlos said in exasperation before Logan could object himself. "Just leave him alone for once! We don't need what happened yesterday to happen all over again, do we?"

The older boys cringed at the painful reminder. "All right," Kendall breathed. "Carlos is right." He tried to remember his mother's words as he spoke. They all needed to relax a little more. "So let's just throw this Frisbee around until it's time to go in."

"Sounds good to me," Logan said, relieved to have the spotlight of attention off of him for the time being.

James took the Frisbee from Kendall, looked straight at Carlos, and promptly sent it flying to Logan. "I see your reflexes have improved since yesterday," he said, only half-teasing.

"See?" Logan pointed out. "I'm fine." And if he didn't know better, he would have believed himself.

**A/N. Review?**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N. Okay, guys, I really need your help. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm ungrateful or complaining because it's truly not my intent to do either. But lately, it's been really difficult to tell if anyone is reading this story because of the lack of reviews it's been getting. Actually, the same goes of "Head On Collision." So I apologize if my writing hasn't been as good as it used to be and if you have any suggestion of how to improve it, I'd be really grateful. You guys are awesome people and you deserve the best that I can give you, so let me know! Thank you. I don't own anything.**

Logan's alarm went off at 7:00 the next morning. His arm shot out and fumbled around before he found the off button. He laid there in the silence, listening and hoping that he hadn't woken anyone up. His mom would mostly likely be up but he didn't want to wake Katie or the other guys up so early. After listening for a couple minutes and hearing nothing, he slowly got out of bed.

As he stood up, Logan was alarmed when he was hit with a rather vicious wave of dizziness. He quickly sat back down and put his head between his knees, waiting for the world to stop spinning around him. Black dots danced in front of him and he was frightened by how strong his withdrawal symptoms were. He tried to think back to when his troubles had first started but could hardly concentrate on anything other than remaining upright.

Finally, things started to return to normal and he straightened up cautiously. Leaning on the wall for support, he stood up once again and slowly made his way to the bathroom, relieved when the dizziness didn't return. "You're so screwed." he told his pale reflection in the mirror.

Everything that he had learned in D.A.R.E. was coming true. He had been off the Ritalin for a few days and he was already craving more. He was craving anything that would take away the bad stuff that was happening to him. The dizziness, the headaches, the anxiety, and so much more. If he had been able to think straight, he would have considered the fact that continuing his misuse of drugs would only make things worse, but for the moment, all he could think of was how they would make things better for him.

The Ritalin had been returned to the medicine cabinet and it taunted Logan from its place on the top shelf. He stared at the bottle, thinking of how easy it would be to just take one pill and be okay for the rest of the day. It would give him the spirit and the energy to do what needed to be done and no one would have to worry about him. It would make all the bad stuff go away.

Logan shook his head and shut the door, careful not to slam it because the last thing he needed was another way to attract attention to himself. He was already walking an extremely fine line. "In a few hours, everything will be under control." he told himself. Really, it would. He had everything planned out.

Resisting the Ritalin was difficult but he hurriedly dressed and then brushed his hair so he could get out of the bathroom and away from his temptation. As he exchanged shirts, he eyed himself critically in the mirror. The bruises on his chest were still an ugly black and blue but they were beginning to fade into a less painful looking yellow. They still hurt of course and the healing ribs weren't making anything easier but at least that part of him as getting better. The rest of him was still on a course set for disaster.

"Morning, Logan." Mrs. Knight greeted him as he went downstairs. "How are you feeling, sweetie?"

_Terrified. Desperate. _"Fine," he forced a smile. "A little tired and sore but I'm feeling better every day. I'm just ready to move on right now." He stopped uncertainly, wondering if the words came out sounding ungrateful to her.

But she smiled and kissed his gently on the forehead. "I don't blame you." she said sympathetically. "I'm proud of how you're handling this, Logan."

A sharp pain began in the middle of Logan's heart and spread throughout his chest, making him wince. "Just my ribs," he told her when she looked concerned. "I'm okay."

"Let me see how your bruises are looking." she insisted, gently lifting his shirt up. "Well, they are starting to look better so I hope that goes for the rest of you." There was a strange note in her voice as she spoke and still holding the shirt up, she looked Logan in the eye. "Have you been eating right, Logan? You're looking a little thin."

He froze, his mouth dry with fear. "Um, sure I have." he offered unconvincingly. "You've seen me, right?"

She frowned. "Yes, but only for a couple of days since you've been home," she reminded him gently. "What about while you were away?"

He had for the most part. Logan really didn't think that his weight loss had anything to do with him not eating right. He was pretty positive that it had something to do with what else his body had been consuming. "Of course!" he told her with a crooked grin. "You think Kendall would have let me starve?"

A faint smile crossed her face at the mention of Kendall. "No, I really don't think he would have."

There was still doubt in her voice and Logan rushed to reassure her. "If anything, I kind of pigged out with everyone. We had a lot of fast food and stuff like that. I probably just lost a little weight because of everyone else that was going on and stressing me out." He was dancing around the truth but he was already telling her more than he wanted.

His mother sighed deeply and shook her head, at last letting the shirt fall back in place. "Well, in that case, I'm even more relieved to have you home." She drew him into a very gentle hug, careful not to hurt him. "I want my boys nice and healthy."

Tears filled Logan's eyes and he hurriedly blinked them away. "I'm glad to be home too," he murmured, slowly pulling out of the embrace.

"So sit down. Before you go to work, I want you to have a good breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day." She set her hands on his shoulders and pushed him into a kitchen chair. "Are you hungry for anything specific?"

"No, not really." He told her. He actually wasn't hungry at all but he wasn't about to tell her that."

"How does scrambled eggs and French toast sound?"

_Too much._ "Great. Thanks, Mom."

"What sounds great?" Kendall asked as he made his way slowly down the stairs.

"Well, you're up and dressed unusually early." Mrs. Knight remarked as she took a carton of eggs from the fridge. "What's the occasion?"

"We're all up!" Carlos said, sounding bright and cheerful despite the early hour. "We got up to see Logan off for his first day of work!" He sat down next to Logan and playfully ruffled his hair.

Logan ducked away, his fingers reaching up to feel the carefully spiked hair, making sure it was still orderly. "You guys didn't have to do this," he said, embarrassed. "It's not a big deal."

James rolled his eyes. "It's not like we're throwing you a party or anything. Just getting up to wish you luck."

"Sorry," Logan apologized, feeling bad now. "I honestly didn't expect you to get up early when you have plenty of time to sleep in."

"We'll sleep in tomorrow." Kendall told him around a huge yawn. "And who knows, maybe when you leave, we'll go back to bed."

Katie even came down and soon Mrs. Knight had the table set for all six of them. Logan had mixed feelings about the family breakfast because there was no way he would be able to hide his lack of appetite without attracting attention. James had already commented on how long it was taking him to eat and Logan had brushed him off, saying that he was simply nervous. He knew that his mom wouldn't let him leave until he cleared his plate though so he forced the food down, feeling nauseous all the while.

"Do you need a ride?" Kendall asked casually.

Logan caught the glance between his adoptive mother and brother. Clearly Mrs. Knight had talked with Kendall about his tendency to be overprotective. "Nope, I'm good." he said lightly. "The bus stop is right on the corner. Thanks for the offer though, Kendall."

"Speaking of the bus. . ." Mrs. Knight glanced up at the clock. "You'd better get going, Logan if you want to have plenty of time." She stood up and began clearing the plates away from the table. "Take a banana, okay?"

Logan nodded and grabbed the offered piece of fruit. "Yes, I have my cell phone." he said when Kendall opened his mouth,

"Sorry."

"And it's fully charged."

"Sorry."

"Man, Logan." James chuckled, trying to lighten the tense atmosphere. "There's another reason to keep from getting mugged. Kendall's even worse than he used to be."

Kendall scowled at James but made no comment. "See you around lunch time, Logie." he said in a gentler tone. "Good luck."

Logan thanked him and the others, then turned to leave. He sighed in relief when no one followed him and then ducked into the bathroom in the lobby where he promptly lost everything he had eaten that morning. His stomach churned violently as he knelt over the toilet, shaking from the effort. When there was nothing left, he stood on weak and shaky legs and walked to the sink to rinse his mouth. He couldn't even stand to look in the mirror, too afraid of what he might see. He poked his head out into the lobby and when no one stared at him strangely, he left the hotel, stopping to toss his uneaten banana in the bushes when no one was looking. Then he headed to the bus stop.

Logan reached the vet's office a full fifteen minutes before he was scheduled to arrive. If his father had taught him anything in the time they had been together it was that an early arrival to work made a good impression. He wanted to make a good impression.

"Hello," a middle aged woman greeted him with a smile. "You must be, Logan. I'm Dr. Marshall. Thanks again for coming in on such late notice. You've already saved us so much trouble. I spoke to your. . . music manager, Mr. Rocque?"

Logan gulped. "You did?" He had provided the office with a list of people who could recommend him but why out of all those people had she called Gustavo?

She laughed lightly. "Oh don't worry, Logan. Mr. Rocque had nothing but praise for your hard work and attitude. I don't know him personally but I do know that he's a very hard man to impress. It sounds like you have him very impressed."

Relief swept over Logan and he smiled. "That's good to know."

"Well, you certainly made a good impression getting here so early. Our last assistant was always late. Nothing too horrible, five maybe ten minutes on occasion. But it was inconvenient."

"Thank you, ma'am." Logan said politely.

"Oh please, call me Dr. Marshall. Anyway, are you ready to get to work?"

He nodded. "Of course. Where should I start?"

"Well, there are some animal crates in the back that need cleaning. Why don't you see how far you can get?"

Logan quickly walked towards the back and let himself into the small storage room. Just like Dr. Marshall had said, there was a stack of dirty crates piled in the corner along with some cleaning supplies. "Okay," he muttered to himself. "Let's get to work. I'll figure something out while I do this."

He pulled the first crate from the pile and set it on the work table, then settled down to clean. While he wiped the inside, his eyes roamed around the room, looking for something, anything that he could use to his advantage. As he was wiping the outside, he finally spied what he had been looking for. Logan made himself finish the first cage and as he placed it newly cleaned on a shelf, he turned and crossed the room where some of the animal medications sat.

Ketamine, he knew, was a drug that vets used as an anesthetic. He really didn't know that full effect it could have on humans but he didn't recognize any of the other drugs there. He wasn't being safe by taking the ketamine, he was being really stupid. But at least he wasn't taking some mysterious drug whose function he was completely lost on. There were countless bottles of the innocent looking liquid and he hesitated, wishing for the more familiar pills. But that could wait. He glanced around nervously and seeing no cameras, took one of the small bottles and slipped it inside the pocket of his jeans.

"Back to work." Logan muttered, getting another crate and returning to the table. He didn't plan on taking anything until he absolutely needed it and he knew that he needed to wait until he got home. The vets probably had some idea of people getting hooked on drugs and he didn't want to risk getting caught, especially since he really had no idea what would happen to him.

As the minutes, and eventually, the hours, passed, it seemed like the bottle of ketamine was growing heavier and heavier, weighing down not only his pocket but the rest of him as well. Especially his heart. Tears stung Logan's eyes and he came extremely close to breaking down right in the middle of the storage room. But then the door opened and he jumped and sat up straight, wiping hurriedly at his eyes.

"Logan?" A tall white haired man walked into the room and stuck out his hand for Logan to shake. "I'm Doctor Bryan Wilson. Elizabeth told me that you were in here." He smiled and nodded to the clean crates. "It looks like you've been hard at work."

"Pleased to meet you, sir." Logan took his hand, caught off guard by how strong and firm the man's grip was when they shook. "Yes, I've been doing my best."

Bryan Wilson nodded and raised his eyebrows. "Very good," he praised. "You've been here for two hours and I can already tell that you're the right man for this job. Until we find someone more permanent at least."

Logan returned the cleaning supplies to the corner and smiled. "Thank you, sir." he said gratefully, finding himself wishing he could be the permanent assistant. "What can I do for you next?"

* * *

Home at last. Logan sighed as he shoved open the door to Apartment 2J. "Hi, everyone!" he called, pasting a smile on his face as he joined the others.

"Logan, how did it go?" Kendall asked right away.

Logan shrugged. "Better than I thought for my first day," he replied easily. "I did a lot of cleaning and then organized some paperwork. Everything was pretty much fine."

"Good!" Mrs. Knight smiled broadly. "I'm so glad, Logan. How are you feeling? You look tired."

"I am pretty tired." he admitted. "It'll take a little time getting used to being up and out the door so early but at least I'm home already."

"Do you want to eat some lunch first, or do you want to lay down for a while?"

He wasn't hungry at all. The thought of food made him feel sick. "I think I'll lay down for a little," Logan told his mother. "Maybe an hour. You'll come get me then, won't you?" he asked, turning to his friends.

"Sure, Logie." Kendall nodded, looking concerned but afraid to say too much. "Go rest and we'll hang out later. You'll have to give us more details about your day over lunch, okay?"

Logan smiled, feeling relieved when no one pushed him. "Sure," he agreed. "Sounds good."

"Sleep good, buddy!" Carlos said cheerfully. "See you later!"

"See ya, Logan." James told him with a small smile. After watching the younger boy walk toward the steps, he forced his gaze back around to the kitten that Carlos held.

As Logan made his way up the stairs, he was surprised when no one followed him. Finally, they were giving him some space. He heard them talking, mostly about Muffins and he was able to keep himself together until he got into his room and closed the door behind him. Then, he collapsed on his bed and buried his face into his pillow, muffling frightened sobs.

The desire to just inject the entire bottle of ketamine into his body was nearly overwhelming and it scared Logan. He wanted it so badly even though he had no idea how he would react. He was just so sure that it would take away his fears and worries and anxieties and make life a little easier for him.

Stupid, moronic, selfish, screw-up. Logan hated himself for being so weak. He had handled everything just fine for years, so why was he falling apart now? Shouldn't it be easy now that he was older and supposedly wiser and more mature? But no. He was tired of fighting and he didn't want anyone to know that. He wanted them to believe that he was the same strong person who persevered over so much heartache. He didn't want to worry them. He wanted to help people, not the other way around.

Once his sobs eased up, Logan pulled his face away from the pillow and sat up, resting against the headboard. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, until his heart rate returned to a more normal and less frantic pace. Then he pulled the needle from his pocket, followed by the bottle.

Glancing nervously at the closed door, Logan unscrewed the cap and dipped the needle inside, filling it only a tiny bit. Then without a second thought, he plunged the needle straight into his arm. After releasing the medication into his blood stream, he withdrew the needle and tucked it carefully into his box of personal things that he knew no one would open. When everything was finished, he laid down and waited.

The effect was nearly instantaneous. Logan was glad he was laying down when his whole body started to feel numb and heavy. It was like the time he had broken his wrist and was given morphine for pain relief. But the morphine hadn't had such a powerful effect so quickly. It had knocked Logan into a deep sleep, but with the ketamine, he felt as if he was floating around in empty space.

He turned his head to one side, surprised at the effort it took for him to move so little. He was still laying on his bed, not levitating in the middle of the room like he had expected. Logan blinked as his eyes grew heavier and heavier, nearly impossible to keep open. The best part was the relief. If he wasn't floating, it at least felt like all his burdens had floated away themselves, leaving him empty and carefree. Logan sighed deeply and then, remembering that the bottle of ketamine was still sitting out in the open, sat up to move it.

But he could just barely move. It was almost as if he had become paralyzed. Terror tried to make Logan call out for help, regardless of everything else. But thanks to the medicine, that worry wasn't long lasting either. In fact, Logan was almost sure that he could see his worries, floating overhead, each represented by a balloon. Yes, they there were, bouncing off of each other and hitting against the ceiling. Logan smiled, thinking how. . . pretty the balloon were, and how ironic it was that they were so ugly on the inside. Just like him. He was nice looking on the outside, or so everyone had told him, but on the inside, his heart was black with secrets.

Then, before he knew it, Logan was falling into a blissful darkness where no nightmares awaited him.

**A/N. Any thoughts? I'll update this and "Head On Collision" both, hopefully sometime this week. Thanks again!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N. Thank you so much for all of the support and encouragement you guys have given me. Deleting my blog was the right decision and so was taking a break from Fan Fiction. I haven't had a panic attack since Monday night so I think this was a good time to update. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm on the fence about it because it's been so long since I've actually written for this story. Thanks again, you guys! Oh, and I still don't own anything.**

When Logan woke up, it was as if he was swimming through a fog. Everything seemed slower and blurrier and more confusing that normal. He sat up slowly, feeling totally disoriented and lost. His entire body ached as if he had been beaten up all over again. Groaning softly, he fumbled around nervously to make sure he had put everything away and out of sight.

"Logan?" As if on cue, there was a knock on the door and James walked in. "Hey, buddy." he greeted Logan cautiously. "How're you feeling?"

Logan moved over as James sat down next to him. "Better," he said, this time not even knowing if it was true or another lie. "I slept well." He cringed when he saw James' eyes light up and he wondered what his best friend would think if he knew why he had slept so well.

"Good," James nodded, looking over Logan carefully. "You look better than you have in a while." Right away, he realized he might not have been as tactful as he should have been and tried to back up. "I mean, not that you looked horrible but-"

Logan couldn't help but laugh. "James, you're kidding." he said, wincing a little in pain. "I've looked awful for weeks. Months." His laughter slowed and he turned serious because poor James still looked guilty. "It's not a big deal, James. If it makes you feel better though, I do feel better than I have in months." He did. It wasn't a lie. He just wasn't feeling better for the reasons his friends thought.

"Good," James said again because apparently there wasn't anything else for him to say. An awkward silence fell over the two boys until James cleared his throat. "So," he began brightly. "Want to hang out? Do something?"

"Uh," Logan bit his lip nervously. There was an unaddressed tension between him and James. He could see past his friend's light mood to the suspicion that had never really left him to begin with. Despite the fact that Carlos was too loyal to see anything and Kendall was too overprotective to see anything, James had only fallen silent because of his other friends. The idea of James giving into peer pressure struck Logan as bizarre except now he was appreciating it.

"Logan?"

Like he needed to give James another reason to think something was wrong. Logan shook his head, blinking hard. "Sorry. I guess I zoned out for a minute there."

James didn't laugh. "You seem to be doing that a lot lately," he said casually. He glanced nervously toward the door as if he was afraid someone would come in and interrupt the conversation that was taking a serious turn. "It's pretty weird if you ask me."

Logan paled slightly. James _knew _that he was hiding something. Logan had no idea how James knew or how much he knew, but it was enough to scare him. "Yeah," he said quietly, trying to think of a clumsy comeback. "I guess you're always catching me at a bad time. You know, when I'm falling asleep or just waking up." He sighed in relief, sure that there was nothing James could say then.

"Which seems to be all the time," James replied, unfazed by Logan's attempts at evasion. "You're constantly either falling asleep or just waking up. That's not like you, Logan. Where did your insomnia go? Did it just. . . disappear and now you're catching up on all those years of sleep that you missed? Are you. . . are you getting sick?"

"James, I'm-"

"I mean _really_ sick." James emphasized. Now he looked afraid. "Logan, what if something is seriously wrong with you? What if that's why you're always tired and falling asleep? Because you have some horrible disease and we don't know because you keep saying you're fine and. . ." he trailed off and shook his head. "What if you're really not fine, Logan?"

As horrible as it sounded, Logan felt relieved when James confessed his fears. He was afraid that Logan had some awful disease and was possibly dying. He really knew nothing. Logan restrained from sighing in relief and smiled. "James," he said patiently. "I'm not sick."

"Well then what is wrong with you?" said James, obviously refusing to back down.

"What's going on?" Both boys jumped as Kendall walked into the room, followed by Carlos holding Muffins. "You guys are starting to get pretty loud in here," the blonde added when James and Logan remained silent. "What's up?"

"Nothing." Logan glanced over at James in surprise when they spoke simultaneously. "Just. . . talking." He stared at his friend, apparently muted by Kendall's appearance. Then he saw the way Kendall seemed to stare at James almost as if he was angry with him. "Is everything okay with you two?" he asked, dreading the answer but at the same time, wanting to change the course of the conversation.

"Sure," Kendall nodded. "Right, James?"

"Yeah." James sounded so unconvincing that it was almost funny. "Everything is fine. So," the abrupt change of tone in his voice startled Logan. "What are we going to do now that Logan's up and so awake?"

The sarcasm made Logan flinch and did not go unnoticed by Kendall. But before anyone could say anything, Carlos butted into the tense atmosphere. "Let's go swimming!" he suggested. "We haven't done that in a while. We don't have to do anything since you're probably still too sore, Logan. But I bet that the water will feel good and you could use some sun." He eyed Logan's paler than usual complexion, concern in his eyes.

"Carlos is right," Logan stood up, eager to move on. "Let's go." He glanced out the window, relieved to see that the pool was nearly empty. The less witnesses to his awful appearance, the better.

Kendall put himself between James and Logan and followed close behind his brother. "So you're feeling better." It was a statement, not a question. There was both hope and relief in his voice as the boys stepped outside and into the sun.

"Yeah," Logan said confidently. "And now we have all afternoon and all evening to hang out. See? I told you that this job wasn't a bad idea."

"I guess you were right," Kendall admitted with a small grin. "I'm glad, Logan."

* * *

"What were you bothering Logan about this time?" Kendall hissed sharply when he and James were alone. The four boys had hung out by the pool for nearly two hours before Katie came to inform them it was dinnertime. After a quick change, Kendall had intercepted James on his way downstairs for a quick talk.

"Nothing really." James mumbled, his eyes downcast.

James had always been a horrible liar and this time was no exception. Kendall didn't believe him for a second. "Yeah right," he said, rolling his eyes. "So why did Logan seem so upset when Carlos and I came to get you guys? Both of you sounded pretty upset actually. You were practically shouting."

"We. . . had a disagreement." James shifted uncomfortably, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"About?" Kendall was as immovable as ever.

James sighed, giving in. "I don't think Logan is telling the truth." he said in one huge rush.

Kendall's eyebrows shot up. "About what?" he asked, confused.

"About. . ." James shrugged. "About anything. About being okay, I guess. He doesn't seem okay to me. I mean, forget about the fact that he got beaten up. That sucks, yeah, but it's not what I'm talking about. He's not acting like himself, Kendall. Are you and Carlos really that blind that you can't see that something is off?"

Immediately, Kendall's confusion was replaced by anger. "Of course I can!" he snapped. "So can Carlos. But if you haven't noticed, pushing him doesn't work. Remember what happened last time? He ran off and got mugged! And before that, we made him cry! I don't like any of this but I don't want to push him anymore. It's only making things worse."

"Fine," James said, backing down. "But what if something is seriously wrong with him, Kendall? What if he doesn't even know it?"

"What do you mean?" asked Kendall.

James finally found the courage to look up at Kendall and was relieved to see concern for Logan replace the anger that had been directed at him. "What if. . ." he trailed off, afraid to say the words again. "I'm afraid of two things, Kendall."

"James? Kendall? It's dinner!"

Kendall glanced over his shoulder. "Be there in five minutes, Mom!" he called. Turning back to his friend, he said, "Okay, James. What are you afraid of?"

Taking a deep breath, James began to explain. "I guess the first thing I'm afraid of is that Logan knows what's wrong with him and that he's lying to us."

"So, in this case, do _you_ have any idea what might be wrong with him?" Kendall stared closely at James, trying to read him.

It was on the tip on James' tongue to bring up the subject of drugs again. But if he wanted Kendall to take him seriously, then he would have to explain why he was still holding onto his suspicions. Meaning that he would have to explain _everything_. He wasn't sure he could do that. "He's not acting like himself," he said lamely.

"Well, I've noticed that." Kendall said with a heavy sigh. "James, do you still think it's drugs?"

Caught a little off guard by Kendall's guess, Jame simply nodded.

To his credit, Kendall didn't get angry even though he obviously disagreed with James. "But James," he said patiently. "Where would he be getting these drugs? I mean, you know my mom. She's super paranoid. She keeps the Tylenol and Motrin under lock and key. I threw out those stupid antidepressants or whatever they really were, and Carlos doesn't even have any Ritalin right now. And why are you so sure that Logan would do something so stupid?"

"I don't know," James admitted. "I don't know where he would be getting the drugs and I don't know why he would be using them."

"Well then, why do you think he's using?"

He couldn't answer that. It would give away his long kept secret. They would all find out and never be able to look at him the same way. "Because," James said, feeling totally helpless. "He's not acting like himself."

"You keep saying that," Kendall pointed out. "And I agree that Logan hasn't been acting like himself. But think about it, James. He's been under a ton of stress and hasn't been sleeping well. Think of everything that happened to him while we were away and then right after we came home."

James did think of everything that had happened over the past few months. And it scared him because it just made his horrible theory make even more sense. Why couldn't Kendall see that? "Maybe that's why he got hooked on drugs in the first place."

The outright accusation clearly angered Kendall but once again, he kept his famous temper reigned in. "Only, I think he's getting better. I mean, he's smiling and laughing more, he seems way more relaxed and happy, and he just seems more and more like himself with every day that passes."

Kendall was right and that was what had James confused. "Yeah," he said quietly, giving up the argument for the time being. "I guess you're probably right."

"Boys! The food is getting cold and we're waiting for you!"

Kendall sighed. "One more minute!" he pleaded. "All right, James. So that's one thing you're scared of. What's the other thing?"

"I'm afraid something might be wrong with Logan that he doesn't even know. That's sort of what we were talking about just before you and Carlos came in." James almost regretted his words, sharing his fears when he saw the expression on Kendall's face.

"You mean," Kendall closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You mean, you're afraid that Logan is getting sick? Like a cold or something?" Even though he knew the answer, Kendall was begging James to correct him.

"No, not like a cold." James said, his voice shaking a little. "I think he might be getting really sick, Kendall. I mean, either way, I think there's something seriously wrong with Logan."

Both of the boys were silent, pondering their cheerless conversation. When a third call for dinner startled them out of their thoughts, Kendall shook his head to clear it. "Okay," he said slowly. "You. . . you could be right. But-"

"But what?" James demanded, wondering exactly what Kendall thought he was right about. His first theory? His second? Both?

Kendall's expression was tortured when he looked at James. "But I don't know," he confessed. "I don't know what we should do. I mean, we both think that Logan has been getting better, right?" He waited for James' agreeing nod and then went on. "So what if we say something and that just pushes him backwards all over again? I feel like that's been the main problem. Just when Logan seems to be getting better, we try to intervene and that just sets him back. I feel like we're making things worse whenever we try to help him. Maybe because we're making him feel stupid and helpless."

"That makes sense," James said reluctantly.

"My mom and I were talking about it," Kendall explained. "She said that I don't give Logan enough credit. He's stronger than we think he is. Think all the crap he's had to deal with, James. Anyway, she said that it might help if we let him go and show him that we trust him and believe that he can take care of himself. Know what I mean?" Kendall started walking towards the stairs, hoping that they wouldn't get another call to dinner.

"Yeah, I know."

Kendall glanced over at James, who looked as troubled as he felt, maybe even a little more. "I'm scared too, James." he admitted.

* * *

"Logan, want to hang out with me and Muffins for a while?" Carlos asked as he stood up from the dinner table. He cleared away his dishes and placed them in the dishwasher before turning around to wait for Logan's response.

"Sure," Logan nodded, careful to avoid looking at James and Kendall. The two boys had been up talking before dinner and had come down quiet and thoughtful. That alone had made Logan uneasy but when they kept sneaking glances at him throughout the meal, it made him even more nervous. "I haven't really seen her very much, have I?"

Carlos' face brightened and he shook his head. "Nope, you haven't. You've been either working or falling asleep."

Did everyone have to continuously point out his sleeping habits? Logan's face turned bright red and he felt a flash of anger directed at Carlos. But he smiled and stood up to clear away his own dishes. "Well, I'm not tired right now," he lied smoothly. He was actually exhausted and, much to his horrified dismay, craving another shot of ketamine.

"Cool!" Carlos' happiness at such a simple thing made everyone smile, even though the guilt was nearly drowning Logan. "Let's go then!" He waited for Logan to put his plate in the dishwasher and then bounded upstairs.

For good measure, Logan glanced behind him and grinned at everyone else. _Everything is fine_, he told them silently. When they all looked more relaxed, he felt a rush of triumph and headed up the stairs after Carlos at a much slower pace. He couldn't help but glance longingly into his own room where the ketamine was as he passed by the open door. There was no way he could stop though. Maybe later tonight when they all went to bed. Continuing down the hall, Logan arrived in front of Carlos' room. "Wow," he said, impressed. "It's really clean in here, Carlos."

Carlos looked proud and nodded as he lifted the kitten out of her small crate. "I didn't want Muffins to get hurt or lost." he explained. "So, I've been keeping my room clean."

"Was the solution really as simple as that?" Logan teased, dropping down on the floor besides his friend. He held out a hand to Muffins, smiling when the kitten sniffed him cautiously. "She seems nice. I guess you've been teaching her well. If anyone can make one of the most unsociable animals like this, it's you, Carlos."

"Thanks, Logie." Carlos blushed and handed the kitten over to Logan. "She's really friendly."

"Probably because you're taking care of her," Logan accepted the kitten, cradling it carefully in his arms. "What's she like around everyone else?"

"Just like that," Carlos nodded to the content cat. "She plays too but right now she's still a little sleepy after just waking up."

"I can relate," Logan said before he could stop himself.

Carlos' expression changed to one of concern. "I bet you can," he said, looking sad. "I'm sorry I upset you earlier, Logan."

Confused, Logan looked up. "What are you talking about?"

"You know," Carlos waved his hands around and sighed. "After dinner when I kind of joked about you working or falling asleep. I know it hurt you, Logan. I'm really sorry. I was just trying to-"

"Carlos," Logan interrupted, feeling horrible. "Don't apologize. It's no big deal at all. Really. I shouldn't have let it get to me so much. I mean, like you said, it was just a joke."

"Yeah, but jokes aren't funny when they hurt people," Carlos said, looking miserable.

"I overreacted." Logan said, wishing Carlos would stop looking so guilty.

Carlos shrugged. "Maybe, but I still hurt you." He scooted closer to his friend, and then dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap. "You've had such a hard time sleeping and everything lately, Logan. You weren't sleeping on the tour and then you got sick. I shouldn't have joked about it. I'm glad you're sleeping now. You're getting better right?"

Logan set the kitten in his lap and placed a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "Absolutely," he said, ignoring the lie because it would make Carlos feel better.

"Good," Carlos was still quiet as he reached over and stroked Muffins on the head. "I'm sorry, Logan." he said again. "Can you forgive me?"

A lump grew in Logan's throat and he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his younger friend. "Carlos," he said quietly, tears blurring his vision. "There's nothing to forgive."

**A/N. The irony in this story is just sickening. Anyway, I'm hoping to update "Head On Collision" soon and then maybe get back to a more steady updating pace with both stories, but I can't make any promises. I've learned my lesson about that. Once again, thanks to the best readers out there!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N. Question: Who do you think will be most destroyed when they find out about Logan being a druggie, and why? I don't own anything.**

Logan had a very irrational fear that had started to haunt him ever since the death of his mother. As he watched his father fade away from him day by day, Logan became afraid that one day everyone would leave him, whether it was by death or by choice. He was terrified that one day he might be left all alone. What would he have to live for then? His friends were all he had. But if they found out about his drug addiction, he was positive that they would leave him.

He knew he had to stop. Maybe if he spoke up soon enough, they would get him help and stay with him. But then again, maybe if he told them, they would be so disappointed, disgusted, and hurt, that they would leave him. Logan had no idea what to do. Besides, when he injected a dose of ketamine in his arm, all that anxiety left him and he felt completely at ease. Wasn't it worth it if he could keep it a secret?

He just didn't know if he _could_ keep it a secret. Carlos was painfully oblivious and too loyal to see Logan's downfall. His mother and sister were concerned but seemed content to watch and wait, hoping he would improve from whatever continued to drag him down. Kendall was too afraid to push him too far again. James on the other hand. . . James was the problem.

Logan had no idea what it was about James but the other boy remained the most suspicions. And most suspicions, that meant Logan couldn't help but wonder if James knew. How did he know though? It didn't make sense. He had no aspirations to be a doctor and no one in his family was in the medical field. He wasn't exactly the confrontational type of person that Kendall normally was either. Sure he could be incredibly stubborn and hard headed but this was different and it had Logan worried.

However, he couldn't simply avoid James. That would only make things worse and Logan could hardly handle them the way they already were. He had to find a way to act as normal as possible and just. . . stay that way. There wasn't anything else he could do without them finding out. He was helpless.

It would either help or make things worse when rehearsals started back up the next day. On one hand, it would be a way to show everyone that he back to being himself. On the other hand though, it would be another thing for him to stress over. He would just have to wait and see how things worked out. Meanwhile. . .

Meanwhile he needed to force himself to eat enough dinner to get James to stop staring at him. Logan eyed the roast beef and mashed potatoes with little appetite. He felt bad because he knew that his mom had gone to the special trouble of cooking the tasteful dinner to celebrate their return to the studio the following day. He shoved a forkful of potatoes into his mouth, feeling James' eyes on him the entire time.

"James, aren't you hungry, sweetie?"

"Huh?" James tore his gaze away from Logan and looked at Mrs. Knight. "Sorry, Mama K. I didn't hear you. What did you say?"

For once Logan wasn't the center of attention and though he felt bad for James, he also felt relieved. "She asked you if you were hungry," he said helpfully as he took a bite of the meat and chewed vigorously, watching James innocently. "Aren't you? It's really good."

James' eyes narrowed the way they always did when he saw through a lie. "Yeah," he said casually. "Sorry, I was just thinking. I'll eat now."

"Hey," Carlos said suddenly. "Do you guys want to go see _Transformers 3_ tonight?" He grinned at Logan. "I bet Logie will pay for all of us with his money!"

Logan laughed but shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, why not? I've been making good money at work. Let me treat you guys."

"You don't have to, Logan." Kendall told him even though he looked just as eager as Carlos.

"But I want to," Logan cleared his plate and then pointedly took another small helping of each food. "Why don't we check movie times and if there's one playing early enough, we'll go see it. We can't be out too late though. Rehearsals are at 7:00 tomorrow."

Kendall groaned at the reminder and then nodded. "Sounds good to me. You guys?"

"It was my idea!" Carlos reminded him. "Of course I want to!"

"James?" Logan questioned.

James looked up from where he had been making an interesting mixture of roast beef and potatoes. "Okay," he said agreeably. Sensing Kendall's eyes on him, he quickly added, "I can't wait to see that new girl. I know that she's better than Megan Fox but we'll get to see just how much better."

"James," Logan rolled his eyes. "You were _in love_ with Megan Fox in the first movie. Don't even try to deny it."

At last, Logan's words provoked a reluctant grin from James. "Well, I'm not blind," he remarked. "She's really hot! But," he added before anyone could tease him any further. "Then I realized that she can't act and that her character really annoyed me and that she never really closes her mouth all the way. Then I stopped liking her so much."

"This girl is British," Kendall said with a laugh. "What do you think about that?"

"Everyone knows that British accents are the sexiest things ever," James grinned again and ducked the punch that Katie threw at him.

"You guys can be so shallow sometimes," the twelve-year-old muttered in annoyance. "The way you talk about girls like they're. . . I don't know, pairs of shoes."

Kendall laughed. "Katie, guys don't normally shoe shop. That being said," he held up his hands, "I'm sorry that we're sounding like jerks right now."

"Better," Katie said, looking satisfied. "Can I come with you?"

The question didn't surprise them. Katie wasn't exactly a girly-girl. "Sure," Logan said before the other boys could speak. "Why not? You want to come too, Mom?" he asked teasingly.

"No thank you," Mrs. Knight laughed softly and shook her head. "I'm not that into movies where giant robots fight each other and blow things up. Thank you though, Logan."

"I have a question about the movies," Katie said suddenly, turning to Logan. "How did they cover-up what happened in the first movie? I mean, that city got blown up and people died." She shook her head. "What did they do, erase everyone's memories?"

"That, baby sister, is called a plot hole." Logan stood up and picked up his plate, continuing to talk to Katie as he walked over to the sink. "I think they kind of gloss over it in the second movie but they never really explain. We'll have to see what they did about that desert scene tonight."

James followed Logan and leaned on the counter, waiting for his friend to finish so he could rinse his dishes. "Can we not dissect them?" he asked. "It makes the movie a lot more enjoyable when you just have fun instead of pointing out all of the mistakes."

"The first movie was fun," Logan said, moving aside to dry his dish. "Stupid, but fun. The second movie was just stupid. It wasn't all that different from the first one. But I'll stop there." He raised his hands when James opened his mouth to argue. "I guess this third movie will be the deciding one. But if you really want, James, Carlos, Katie, Kendall and I will wait until you aren't around to dissect them."

James elbowed Logan and then turned away. "Now leave me alone," he said jokingly. "I need to concentrate on washing this dish and not breaking it. I swear, these things jump right out of my hands sometimes."

"Or you're just a klutz," Logan called over his shoulder. "I'll be right back. I'm going to check movie times and bring some money down. If there isn't an early show, then we can go bowling or something. Maybe mini-golf."

"Hurry up!" Carlos urged.

Logan did hurry because at last his ribs had stopped hurting whenever he tried to move any faster than a walk. He ignored the box that was tucked carefully away in the back of his closet. Even though it was well hidden, he still felt as though it was sitting right out in the open, waiting for him. "No," he told himself sternly. "Not yet."

He had been doing so well today. He had been alert and cheerful, even joking with his friends. On the outside anyway. On the inside, he was afraid of making one wrong move or saying the wrong thing and ruining everything. He was pretty sure that the dinner and movie conversation had at least temporarily convinced everyone that he was okay. Even James. He just had to keep the act up. _For how long? _Logan tried to ignore the nagging voice in his head. "As long as I possibly can," he mumbled under his breath.

A quick search on his laptop showed Logan that there was a showing of _Transformers 3 _in thirty minutes at the local theater. "Perfect," he said in satisfaction. He shut his laptop and grabbed his wallet, checking to make sure he had plenty of money before heading back downstairs.

"Well?" Carlos asked hopefully.

Logan waved his wallet in response. "Half an hour," he told them, walking to the door to pull on his shoes. "Let's go."

"Have fun!" Mrs. Knight told them. "If you decide to go anywhere after the movie, be sure to call and check in with me, okay?"

"Always," Kendall smiled and kissed his mother. "See ya, Mom."

"Sure you don't want to come?" Logan asked with a grin as he was pulled in for a kiss. "Love you."

The four boys headed out of the apartment and into the parking lot. Kendall pulled out his keys to the car and unlocked it. He settled into the driver's seat, motioning for Logan to sit next to him in the passenger's seat.

"What's up?" Logan asked, feeling slightly paranoid.

"Nothing really." Kendall said honestly. "Thanks for the movie, Logie. It'll be fun." He was glad to see Logan so relaxed and so close to normal. He didn't even seem overly tired anymore which was a great relief. "It's good to have to back, buddy." he added, dropping his voice so that only Logan could hear.

Logan blushed and looked down at his hands. "Thanks," he whispered. "It's good to be back."

Kendall had his eyes on the road but continued to talk to Logan in a low voice that Katie, James, and Carlos in the back couldn't hear over their movie prediction banter. "You had us really worried for a long time, you know."

Logan could hardly bring himself to look at Kendall as he answered. "Sorry. I didn't mean to. Honestly."

"We know," Kendall assured him quickly. "None of what happened was your fault, Logie. We'll just be more careful next time we go on tour. We won't let you get so sick or anything. I won't let anything happen to you."

Logan didn't miss the way Kendall had unconsciously switched from _we_ to _I_.He knew that his brother felt extremely responsible for him and the others and consequently felt guilty over everything that had happened. It sickened Logan to know that he couldn't really argue without admitting to what really happened. "I know you won't," he said, forcing a smile.

"Hey," Carlos said suddenly from the back seat. "Kendall, you just missed the turn."

"Shoot," Kendall muttered. "I forgot it's so close by. Sorry guys, hang on." He flicked on his turn signal and pulled into the nearest shopping center. "Good thing we still have plenty of time."

"Fifteen minutes," Logan told him, glancing at the clock on the dashboard. "Just don't miss the turn again and we should be fine."

They were fine. Kendall pulled into the closest parking space since the weathermen were predicting rain for later that night. "Looks pretty crowded," he commented. "I wonder what everyone is seeing? I doubt it's _Transformers_. It's been about three weeks since it came out, right?"

Logan shrugged. "Probably just because it's a Friday night and it's supposed to rain."

Carlos laughed as they headed inside. "That's our Logie. Always has a logical answer for everything."

_If only you knew_. Logan thought, determined to keep on his stage face. "That's why you guys keep me around, isn't it?" he asked, only half joking.

Kendall frowned. "No way," he protested firmly.

"My money then?" Logan guessed, surprised at how well he could act when he needed to.

"Logan David Mitchell," Kendall said in exasperation. "I really hope you're joking. And even if you are joking, it's not that funny. We love absolutely everything about you. Understand?"

"Except maybe the way you think so little of yourself." James added. "That can be a little. . . frustrating. But hey, no one's perfect, right? We all make mistakes."

Logan froze briefly. James was _still_ trying to get him to confess something. Anything. He still suspected that something was wrong. Was dinner all an act? If it was, then James was an even better actor than Logan was himself. "Right, James." he said as smoothly as he could. "Thanks, guys. You're the best."

"We know," Kendall said, looking more content. "So are you."

Logan hurriedly bought the tickets, ready to have a two and a half hour long distraction. He distributed them and then looked at his watch. "We have time to grab some popcorn or something if you guys want. I'm not hungry since we just had dinner."

Everyone else seemed to be in agreement that they weren't hungry and they all trooped into the theater. The lights dimmed shortly after they found their seats and Logan rested his head on the seat back, breathing a sigh of relief. For as long as the movie lasted, he could drop his act. He couldn't fall apart as completely as he wished he could, but at least he didn't have to keep the stupid fake smile on his face. He could relax a little bit.

* * *

Of course all good things had to come to an end. The movie had been awful, even James agreed, but Logan had enjoyed the fact that he hadn't been getting scrutinized by everyone. "I'm going to the bathroom," he told them when they exited the theater. "Be right back."

To his relief and his surprise, no one followed him. Logan sighed and headed toward the men's room. While he washed his hands, he looked at himself in the mirror. He _looked_ perfectly fine, he noted with satisfaction. That would have to do.

A guy in his twenties stood to Logan's right, washing his hands when his eyes suddenly strayed to Logan and stayed there. Then, in a quick motion, he pointed to Logan's arm. "What are you on?"

Logan couldn't answer at first. He stared at the strange guy, only having a little sense to be grateful that they were the only ones in the bathroom. "I have to go," he mumbled, trying to avoid eye contact.

But the guy reached out and grabbed Logan's wrist, holding firm. "I asked you a question, kid. Now be polite and answer me before I go out there and tell everyone that you're a user."

_A user_. Logan felt sick to his stomach. He swallowed nervously and glanced at his arm. The few scars from the needles he had used were just barely visible but he suspected that the guy was used to seeing the signs. They were easier for him to recognize. "Ketamine," he said quietly, hoping he could somehow escape.

"Ah, Ketamine." the stranger said with a nod. "Good stuff. Do you have anything to give you an extra kick? Because sooner or later, that stuff is going to drag you down and you won't be able to get back up without help."

Logan tugged his arm away and backed up a few steps. "I really have to go. My friends-"

"They're waiting for you, are they?" With a sigh, the guy pulled out his ticket stub and scribbled on it with a pen. "Here's my card," he said mockingly as he handed it to Logan. "The name's Max. Call me if you're interested in anything. I'm pretty flexible and cheap." He patted Logan on the shoulder and then turned to leave. "Maybe I'll see you around."

_Breathe! _Logan ordered himself. Without thinking, he shoved the ticket stub into his pocket and spun around to rejoin his friends.

"Are you okay, Logie?" Carlos was the first to question him even though they had all sensed that something was wrong. "You look a little pale."

"Do I?" Logan asked faintly. "I'm fine. So do you guys want to head home or stop for something to eat? Like ice cream?"

"Let's get ice cream!" Carlos and Katie said in unison.

Logan smiled, putting Max and his offer in the back of his mind and settling into the person he had become. The person he hated with all of his might. The one who didn't deserve to live.

**A/N. My birthday was on Thursday and after 21 years on this planet, I have decided that life is incredibly confusing and I will most likely never figure myself out. Hm. With that said, I pulled off a double update! -cringes- I'll try to write again soon but I think I'm going to be pretty bust this week so. . . we'll see!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N. This chapter is dedicated to EpicInTheLibrary because she was very excited for it. I don't own anything.**

Two days after the incident at the movie theater, Logan had met Mark on the pretense of taking a trip to the bookstore. Logan was extremely surprised that he hadn't been mugged again because the older boy had told him to come to a very dangerous part of LA. Logan wished he had been mugged. He wished that he had been mugged and killed because then his problems would come to an end and he would never be able to hurt anyone again.

Of course, that was the way things worked. Whatever he wanted to happen, the exact opposite happened. For example, he wanted to die, and yet he continued to live. He wanted to be able to tell his friends about his addiction, but the fear of them leaving him, held him back, keeping him trapped in misery. He wanted to be able to stop with the drugs on his own, but that was impossible.

It had been a weeks and a half since he had met Mark and had bought a month's supply of Rohypnol, better known as "roofies", and MDMD, or "ecstasy". The first drug, Mark had advised him to use in place of the ketamine since it didn't require a needle and was therefore more subtle. It was much stronger than the ketamine and Logan would only take it once he was sure that everyone was fast asleep because as soon as he swallowed the capsule, he didn't remember anything. The ecstasy was well named and Logan had yet to take it because he knew how hard it would be to hide the obvious.

But its presence, tucked far back in his top dresser drawer was driving him insane. He knew it was there and he wanted to try it so badly. He wanted to be happy and not sleepy like the ketamine and Rohypnol did to him. He wanted to be relaxed during the day. However, he doubted that the ecstasy would actually relax him. It was more likely to make him like Carlos on a sugar high and that would give absolutely everything. So he avoided it. For ten days.

Now Logan stood in the middle of his room, trying to get ready for rehearsals with Gustavo. His mind was still fuzzy from last night's trip and he was having trouble getting himself moving. Twice, in the space of ten minutes, he had completely forgotten what he was supposed to be doing and his friends were nearly all ready themselves. He was running out of time. The temptation was too great.

Logan sighed heavily and after checking over his shoulder to make absolutely certain that his door was closed, he tugged open the drawer and reached way back. His fingers closed around the familiar plastic bag and immediately, his heart rate sped up. His throat was dry with fear and he pulled the bag out and opened it with clammy, shaking hands. The tiny pills were all different colors and actually looked like candy. He had no idea how much he should take but something possessed him to swallow two.

Right away, he had no regrets. Logan grinned and returned the bag to the safe hidden place before hurrying out of the room. "Guys!" he called, stopping by the bathroom to admire himself in the mirror. And people thought that James was the good looking one.

"Logan?"

"Hey, Mom!" he said eagerly as she came into view. "How's it going? Where are the guys?"

A confused look passed over Mrs. Knight's face at her son's words. "They left," she said as if he should have already known. "You told them to go on without you and you'd catch up in a little while. They're probably at the studio by now."

Logan laughed and slapped a palm to his forehead. "Oh, that's right!" he exclaimed, still chuckling. "I forgot!" He shook his head as he brushed by her to the door and hurriedly pulled on his shoes. "Man, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not thinking clearly today."

"Is everything okay, Logan?" Katie asked before her mother could. She had overheard the quick exchange and Logan seemed completely out of sorts.

"Absolutely, Katie!" Logan declared, bobbing his head up and down in reassurance. "Everything is just fine and dandy! I'm just going to- Whoa!" Logan nearly lost his balance as he tried to tie his shoes while standing on one foot. "Close one! I should be more careful. Ironic, isn't it? I'm always telling everyone to be more careful and now here I am, tripping over my own two feet!"

"Well," Mrs. Knight said, eying him carefully. "I suppose everyone has their moments, right?" She stepped forward and reached out to place a hand on his forehead. "Are you sure you're feeling all right, Logan? You're acting a little strange."

There was a tiny part of Logan that was still rational enough to make him realize that he _was _acting unlike himself. He took a deep breathe and pasted on a smile that was as real as he could manage. "Sorry. I guess I'm a little nervous about today's rehearsal. We're supposed to be learning a new dance. You know how I am. I must have two left feet."

To his relief, the excuse seemed to be enough. His mother smiled and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Logan," she said fondly. "You'll do wonderfully, I just know it. Just relax and be yourself."

_Be myself. The druggie._ For some reason, Logan didn't feel guilty about the situation anymore. He didn't feel anything but a ridiculous sense of happiness. He felt his might burst if he didn't get out of the apartment soon. He wanted to sing and dance until he had no energy left. "Thanks!" he said loudly. "I'll let you know how it goes. See you both later!"

* * *

He was only fifteen minutes late but he found James and Kendall pacing around the room, nervously, until Carlos, who was watching from the window, announced his arrival. All three of his friends and Kelly looked at him in relief, while Gustavo looked more annoyed than anything else. "Hey, everyone!" he greeted them.

"Where have you been, dog?" Gustavo demanded, looking even more annoyed by Logan's lack of apology. "You're late!"

"Or maybe," Logan pointed out with a grin, "Everyone else was just early!" He looked around and was disappointed when no one laughed. "All right then," he said, shrugging. "I'm sorry. Let's get started then! I'm ready to dance!"

"Logan," Carlos ventured as Gustavo and Kelly hustled the boys over to the stage area. "Is everything okay? I mean, what's up?"

"Me!" Logan laughed and punched Carlos in the shoulder. "Just kidding, buddy. I bet James and Kendall think I am though. That's what they think of me. Their best friend for twelve years and they think I'm a druggie." Logan shook his head and quieted down when he saw Kendall and James looking his way, trying to overhear him.

"He's acting really weird," James muttered to Kendall. "I mean, weirder than he has been in the past several months."

"I know," Kendall sighed heavily as he watched Carlos and Logan interact. They were joking but even Carlos looked like he was really confused by Logan's behavior. "This is different from anything else we've seen from him. He's not exhausted or on the verge of tears or. . . anything. He's acting like Carlos."

"Not that that's a bad thing," James said quickly. "Carlos is great. But it's not great for Logan to be acting like him. They're completely different from each other."

Kendall nodded in agreement and folded his arms across his chest. "We'll talk to him afterward. Gustavo would kill all of us if we tried to say or do anything now. Other than dance that is."

James rolled his eyes. "I'd rather sing," he complained. "It's much more fun and I'm better at it."

"Look on the bright side!" Logan came over and threw an arm around James' shoulders, stretching because his friend was so much taller. "At least you can still sing _and _dance better than me!"

"Yeah, Logie." James chuckled but he was serious. "Don't worry. Maybe one day you'll get the hang of dancing. I don't think you need to improve that much with your singing. However, if you ever want any tips, I'm right here."

Carlos laughed. "Give me some tips, James!" he teased.

"Carlos, you don't need any help at all!" James protested with another laugh. "But since you all seem to want to hear me sing-"

"_All?_" Kendall asked with raised eyebrows.

"All." James repeated cheerfully. "You don't need help so all of these compliments must be hints that you want me to sing!" James jumped on top of the stage, ignoring Gustavo's protests and Kelly's instructions to settle down. "I believe I can fly!" he sang out loudly, standing on the edge of the stage. "I believe I can touch the sky!"

"Let's find out!" Logan declared, suddenly jumping on the stage besides James and giving him a hard shove.

Caught completely off guard, James stumbled. Waving his arms in a useless attempt to regain his balance, he took one step forward. His foot hit empty air and before anyone could react, he tumbled off the stage to the floor below, smacking his head on a speaker that had been set aside.

"James!" Kendall cried out, hurrying to his friend's side. "James, are you okay? Wait, don't move!"

James groaned and placed a hand to his temple, only to pull it away when he felt his fingers become sticky with blood. "K-Kendall?" he stammered.

"Oh, James." Kendall murmured. "Shoot. Hang in there, buddy. Logan! Get down here! James' head is bleeding. Should we call 911 or can we just take him to the hospital."

Logan sat down and dangled his legs off the edge of the stage. "Have him fly there," he said looking up at the ceiling. "Like Superman!"

"Logan!" Kendall said, incredibly frustrated now. "We need your help! Why did you push him off in the first place?" As he spoke, he was already taking off his light jacket and pressing the material to the gash in James' forehead. "James, how many fingers am I holding up?"

James squinted, waiting until his vision cleared before answering. "Two?"

Kendall sighed, feeling slightly relieved. "Right," he praised the other boy. "All right, I think we can take you to the hospital ourselves." He wrapped an arm around James' waist and stood them both up, supporting James all the way. "Feeling dizzy?" he asked quietly.

"A little," James admitted, squeezing his eyes shut and holding tightly to Kendall.

"Okay," Kendall glanced around. "Kelly, can you drive us?" When she nodded, he went on. "So, Gustavo, maybe you should call my mom and let her know what's going on. Carlos, can you get Logan and take him back to 2J? I don't want him going anywhere, all right?"

Carlos glanced at Logan who was now laying on his back, completely oblivious to his friends and that one of them was hurt because of him. "Okay," he said quietly, with a small nod. "Come on, Logie."

"Where are we going, Carlos?" Logan asked curiously, sitting up. "I thought we had to learn a new dance. I need all the help I can get. You know what they say. Practice makes perfect!"

"Yeah well, maybe another time, Carlos." Carlos said with a sigh. "Let's go home for now."

* * *

"All right, Logan." Kendall said firmly, his tone allowing for no arguments. "What happened today? Tell us everything."

_Everything_. Logan stared back at Kendall who was standing protectively over James and Carlos. James, who had three stitches in his head and had been sent home with a mild concussion. And Carlos who had never looked so terrified before. The end had come. There was no way he could lie his way out this time. He needed to tell them the truth. He was about to lose his reason for living. "I'm. . . sorry," he said weakly.

"Sorry for _what_?" Kendall demanded, his voice rising. "Logan, what the heck is going on with you? You've been acting strange and different ever since the tour. You haven't been yourself but this time you really blew it. You hurt James! Why? What is going on?"

Logan drew deeper into himself with every word that came out of Kendall's mouth. Where did he start? "I-I. . ." he could only stammer, trying to steady his breathing. He had come off his high over an hour ago only to be informed by Carlos that Kendall was with James at the hospital. It was because of him that James had been hurt. His fault. His problem was way out of control and it was about to get worse. "You were right." he finally said. "You were right about everything."

Kendall clearly caught on to what he meant but wasn't quite willing to admit it himself. "What were we right about, Logan? We. . . we had a lot of guesses."

Tears filled Logan's eyes and he collapsed onto the couch, his legs shaking way to much to hold him upright. "I have a problem," he whispered. "A drug problem. Ever since the tour. I. . . I started taking Carlos' Ritalin to get me going and. . . and then I. . I _bought_ those antidepressants willingly."

"Logie," Carlos choked out, staring at his friend as if he was looking at a complete stranger.

"I'm s-sorry," Logan cried, the ache in his heart reaching an agonizing level. "And then. . . then when I got my job at the vet's office, I stole ketamine. I. . . I _needed _it. And a little over a week ago, I bought drugs from a guy on the street. I used almost all of my work money. He. . . he gave me roofies and ecstasy and I've been using both of them. I use the ketamine and roofies to help me relax and forget and go to sleep. And today was the first day I used the ecstasy. I u-used it to- I don't even know!"

"You. . . you lied to us," Carlos whispered. "About everything." He tried to reach out for Logan, hand reaching for empty air when Logan jerked away, his breathing heavy and agitated. Carlos tried again. "Logan, let us help you. Please. Just. . . you need help. Let us help you."

Logan closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. Taking advantage of his friend's temporary blindness, Kendall reached out then, touching him on the shoulder. The unexpected contact made Logan jump. When he refocused, he glared at them, making them all take a few steps back. That was all he needed.

Carlos was nearly run over by Logan as the older boy brushed by him, moving quickly. He ran to the steps and was halfway up before they fully realized what was going on. Then, they all sprang into action after him, going as fast as they could, even James with his concussion. No one, not even Kendall told him to stop. At the moment, Logan was their only concern,

"Wait!" Carlos shouted only to have Logan's bedroom door slammed in his face. "Let us in!" he yelled along with James and Kendall.

"No! I don't want or need your help!" Logan's voice on the other side of the door, sounded shaky and scared.

"Logan, if you don't open the door in five minutes, then we'll break the door down!" Kendall threatened. It was a bluff. They weren't about to wait that long. However, it didn't work, and when they heard Logan fumbling around in the room and then all grow silent, panic was all around them.

"We need to get in now!" James cried out, frightened beyond belief. He slammed his shoulder to the solid wood, ignoring the bright light that blurred his vision with the impact.

"Wait!" Kendall stopped him from hurling himself into the door. "We have to do it together! Logan, we're coming in right now!" There was no response and Kendall backed up. "On the count of three. One. . . two. . . three!"

Logan was laying on his bed, empty plastic bags scattered across the floor. His face was drained of all color and his breathing was already limited. It didn't take an expert to see that Logan was dying right before their eyes.

Carlos grabbed for his hand and held it tightly. James was on his cell phone, calling 911, screaming frantically into the phone, his wide, terrified eyes on Logan. Kendall was on Logan's other side, speechless. Carlos wasn't speechless at all. "Please," he begged as frightened tears began to stream down his face. "Please just hang on. Help is coming. Don't leave us."

A faint pressure on Carlos' hand was the only way he knew Logan was aware of their distress. He watched as Kendall sat down on the bed and gathered Logan's limp form into his arms, crying hard. Then Logan opened his mouth and they all leaned forward, listening.

"I'm sorry,"

He was fading. They could do nothing. Outside, they could hear approaching sirens but was it already too late? As the paramedics' footsteps could be heard pounding up to 2J, all three boys could only look at their dying best friend and plead for him to stay.

"Hang on."

"Don't leave us."

"Please."

Then, Logan's eyes were closed.

**A/N. Cliffhanger in both of my stories, oh no. What to do!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N. I'm thinking about combining a couple of these last chapters so that there will only be ten left instead of twelve. We'll see. Anyway, I have a question for Harry Potter fans out there. Do any of you like James Potter _and _Severus Snape? Because I LOVE Snape and, no offense, cannot really stand James Potter. The JERK. So yeah, that's my irrelevant question of the day lol. I don't own anything.**

"We can take one of you with us," a paramedic called over his shoulder as he andhis fellow EMTs hurriedly rolled Logan out of the Palm Woods and into the parking lot.

Blinking in the bright sunlight, James gave Kendall a gentle shove forward. "He's his older brother," he whispered as he stepped back and wrapped one arm around Carlos. The two boys watched in horror, oblivious to the onlookers that had followed them from inside the lobby. Kendall was too in shock to even give them a backward glance as he climbed in the back of the ambulance. The last thing the boys saw before the paramedics closed the doors was one of the men fitting an oxygen mask to Logan's pale face.

"James?" Carlos whispered, his eyes trained on the disappearing vehicle. "James, what are we going to do?"

"We're going to-" James reached into his pocket and felt the set of car keys there. He reached past the clanking metal and found his cell phone. "We're going to call Mrs. Knight and Katie." He knew without a doubt that he would not be able to get the two of them to the hospital in one piece. The last thing they needed was- James stopped his train of thought and shook his head quickly. "Sit down, Carlos," he murmured when the younger boy started to shake.

"Hello? James?" Mrs. Knight's voice interrupted the third ring and sent a wave of momentary relief washing over James. "Is everything okay?"

He shook his head again until he realized that she wouldn't be able to see him. "No," he whispered, gathering every last bit of strength he had so he could give her the news. "Kendall and Logan are on their way to the hospital."

"What?" she gasped in alarm, the one word already containing tears. "James, what happened? Are they okay? What about you and Carlos?"

"Kendall went with Logan because there was only enough room for one of us," James said, answering one of the questions as best as he could. He tried dancing around the other one even though he knew it was a matter of time before he would have to tell her. "I- I can't drive us. We need you, Mama Knight. Please." He was beginning to lose that bizarre sense of calm that had helped him get this far.

"James, Katie and I are on the way. We'll be there shortly." She was crying harder now but somehow she sounded in control. "But please," she said, her voice gaining authority when James began to weaken. "What happened to my son?"

It was the way she referred to Logan as her son and the fact that he could no longer hide anything from her, that finally broke James. "He's dying," he whispered. "He tried to kill himself." His own words made him sick to his stomach and James dropped the cell phone and turned away to vomit in the middle of the parking lot.

Logan had tried to kill himself. He might have succeeded. After all he hadn't even been breathing on his own when they took him away. He could be dead right now. Logan. His best friend. The words didn't belong in the same sentence together so James had to separate them in broken, incomplete sentences.

He should have known. He had known. The signs had all been there, right in front of him. James had known. Yet, he had let Logan lie over and over again, telling himself that he was being incredibly stupid. Now they were all paying the price. They could lose Logan. They might have already lost him. James had never been one to dwell in the past but the future was far too uncertain and terrifying and so was the present. All he could think of is what he should have done. And what he didn't do.

"James, are they coming?" Carlos asked, his voice still a mere frightened whisper. "James?" he reached out and touched his friend gently on the shoulder, waiting for a response. "Can you hear me, James?"

James could hear Carlos. But he couldn't distinguish the strange noises he seemed to be making for words. He was still stuck in the past, replaying all the chances he had been given and all the chances he had let slip away. He had let Logan slip away too. Suddenly, he was being shaken and he forced himself out of his thoughts to look at Carlos. "What?" he asked, realizing that he had missed everything his friend had said and that it had probably scared him.

Before Carlos could repeat his question, Mrs. Knight sped into the parking lot, her face completely white. As the boys climbed into the van, they took note of Katie, sobbing inconsolably in the back seat. Wanting to comfort both of them but feeling just as scared and helpless, they just sat in the van without speaking a word, each lost in their own thoughts. Every once in a while, Mrs. Knight would plead for details but they could only shake their heads in a shocked and a numbed silence.

It had all happened so fast, but at the same time, things had been building and building up to the end result. The end result itself had been the quick part. One minute, Logan had been- James swallowed hard. Logan had been high. They had all known it at that point so why had they let it go on? As he recalled that morning, James was suddenly aware of the pounding in his head. His concussion. Logan pushing him off the stage.

Why? Why hadn't they dragged him to the hospital then? They were already going there for James' head injury. The one that Logan had caused because he had been high. Why had they let him go back to the apartment? Maybe he might still be alive.

As soon as Mrs. Knight pulled into the hospital parking lot, James and Carlos jumped out of the car and rushed across the pavement to the Emergency Room doors. They opened automatically so the boys didn't need to stop their headlong rush into the building until they saw Kendall sitting by himself in a corner.

"Kendall!" James yelled, ignoring the glare he got from the nurse behind the counter. He ran over to his best friend with Carlos at his heels and flung himself down in a chair, trying to catch his breath and talk to Kendall at the same time. "Kendall, what's going on? Where did they take Logan? Have you heard anything yet?"

Kendall didn't answer James' rapidly fired questions and seemed like he didn't even hear Carlos' frightened sobs. He acted like he wasn't aware of his two friends and stared straight ahead of him, eyes opened wide and filled with a sickening kind of horror and disbelief. Finally, he spoke, his voice sounding like someone completely different. "His heart stopped," he whispered.

James' next question died on his lips and he choked on the words. An odd feeling swept over him, his entire body going numb and all the lights and sounds becoming dim and muffled. He saw Kendall's lips moving but all he heard was a vague garble or what he could only assume was words. He shook his head, trying to clear away the fog. "What?" he managed to gasp out.

"His heart," Kendall repeated in that awful robotic tone. "It stopped. On our way over here. They. . . had to shock him. But it didn't work. Not right away. They had to do it over and over again. So many times. And even when they got him back, he wouldn't breathe on his own. He couldn't."

James was glad he was sitting down because he had the feeling that he would have fallen over. He still had that falling feeling. Like he was plummeting through empty space with nothing to hold onto and stop his descent into nothingness. "Kendall," he spoke his friend's name with number lips and even to his own ears it sounded like a pathetic gasp for air.

"He died," Kendall went on, still obliviously to James and Carlos. He continued to talk to himself like he was trying to process what had just happened right in front of him. "I saw it. His heart stopped beating and they couldn't get it starter again right away. It was. . ." he shook his head. "They said it was about seventy seconds but it felt like a longer. They got him back but. . ." at last he turned to James and Carlos, his expression haunted. "He was dead for over a minute."

"No," Carlos whispered, his red and swollen eyes filling with more tears. "Kendall, no. Please."

For just an instant, it didn't register to James that the paramedics had been able to revive Logan. All he could think of was the fact that Logan had actually died. His stomach twisted in a nauseating way again and he felt lightheaded. Logan, his best friend, had died.

"Kendall! Boys!" Mrs. Knight caused yet another disturbance when she rushed in, holding tightly to Katie's hand. Her eyes swept over the boys, taking in everything. "Honey," she began shakily, focusing on her son. "What happened?"

Kendall told her in a halting voice exactly what he had told James and Carlos just a little while ago. He tripped and broke over the past about Logan's heart and finally turned to her, looking as though he was waking up from a nightmare straight into another. "Mom?" he asked, sounding as vulnerable as a little boy. "Is he going to be okay?"

James had been covering his ears during Kendall's retelling of Logan's death and everything else that had happened. But he caught Kendall's question and dropped his hands into his lap, wanting to hear the answer. Mothers always made everything better. Surely Mrs. Knight would have some words of reassurance.

But Mrs. Knight sighed and leaned over to hug her shaken son, keeping a close eye on Katie and the boys. "I don't know, sweetheart," she said regretfully. "I just don't know. The only thing we can do right now is wait. And hope."

Would hope be enough? James wondered as they all settled into their seats. Their tears had all slowed as if they had run out and were now in too great of a shock to cry anymore. His eyes wandered around the room, darting away from people when they caught him looking at them. Really he just needed a distraction. Not that anything could ever take his mind off of the current situation.

Why? Why was all of this happening? How could they have let it get so far? How could he have let it go so far? He of all people should have put a stop to it when he first began to suspect months ago. Hadn't he promises himself that he wouldn't let it happen again? He was older now, more experienced. He could have saved Logan before it got this bad. But he hadn't. He had let himself down and everyone else. He had failed to protect Logan.

James hoped. He went through all the stages of grief while he waited with the others for news on Logan. Denial. This couldn't be happening. Anger. How could Logan have been so stupid? How could he have been so stupid? So blind? Guilt. He should have been able to put a stop to Logan's drug use before it took on fatal measures. Bargaining. He begged with whoever was in charge of giving and taking life to be able to switch places with Logan or to have one more chance. Grief. His heart ached in a way that no words could describe. And finally, acceptance. Logan was a drug addict. He had a serious problem. But. But he was going to survive. This time would be different, James was determined. And this time, he would save him.

* * *

It wasn't clear to anyone how long they waited. Time crawled by at such an impossibly slow rate that it actually seemed to come to a complete halt. Mrs. Knight held Katie in her arms while her daughter dropped every pretense she ever had and cried like the little girl she really was. Kendall sat slumped over, his face hidden in his hands while tears continued to flow at a steady rate. Carlos had his legs drawn up to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around himself, trying to be as small as possible. James had one arm over his younger friend's shoulders, his back rigid against his chair as he stared straight ahead with a determined expression on his tear streaked face.

"He's going to be okay, you know." he said suddenly. Even though his voice was soft, hardly above a whisper, the sound made everyone jump. He shot a quick glance over at them and then nodded. "Yeah. Logan's going to be okay. We're going to fix this. You'll see."

"James," Mrs. Knight's voice was ragged with tears. "Honey, listen to me. We all want Logan to be okay. But you-"

"No!" James shook his head stubbornly and shifted away from the hand she tried to lay on his shoulder. "I don't need to be prepared for anything except to help Logan get better. Don't try to tell me anything else. He'll be fine. Eventually. He just. . . the doctors will save him and we'll do the rest." He turned to look at her, pleading for her to nod and agree with him and say that he was right. She didn't say anything and he turned away to focus back on the door in a sulky silence.

Finally, a doctor seemed to be headed their way. "Family of Logan Mitchell?" the gray haired man asked, looking down at his clipboard.

Mrs. Knight cleared her throat and stood shakily. "That's us," she said softly. "I'm his adoptive mother, Lacey Knight.

The doctor nodded. "I'm Doctor Martin Freeman." he introduced himself, holding out his hand for her to shake. He gestured at the chairs. "Mrs. Knight, why don't we have a seat while I inform you of Logan's condition."

His condition. James let out the breath he had been holding. Logan was alive. Sure, things could be really bad, but he couldn't be in stable or poor or even critical condition if he was dead, could he? No, that would be absurd. "He's alive then," he whispered, his hope and determination only growing.

"Yes," the doctor said hesitantly. "But I'm afraid that he is in an extremely grave condition. Mrs. Knight, your son was brought in because of an apparent suicide attempt. He overdosed on a combination of drugs commonly known as uppers and ecstasy. There are also traces of ketamine, anitdepressants, and Ritalin in his system."

"Ritalin?" Carlos repeated, his eyes going wide. When the doctor nodded, he sighed and brushed a hand roughly across his eyes. "How bad is he?" he asked, clearly reluctant to hear the answer.

Doctor Freeman sighed heavily and shook his head. "His organs were very badly damaged," he said regretfully as if he hated to give them such horrible news. "Mostly, his kidneys, lungs, and his heart. On the way to the hospital, he stopped breathing on his own and went into cardiac arrest for nearly two minutes. The paramedics were able to revive him, but his lungs have yet to begin functioning on their own again enough to have him breathing on his own. Right now, we have him hooked up to an oxygen machine."

"Well?" James asked, growing impatient. "What are you going to do for him?"

"I'm afraid that we've done all we can for the moment," Doctor Freeman said with another sigh. "It's not looking very good for Logan right now. His heart is failing along with his kidneys and his lungs. To put it bluntly, he's on life support and without it, I don't believe that he would last the night. You can all go in and see him right now but eventually I'll need to talk to you, Mrs. Knight. About keeping Logan on life support." At the expression on their faces, he rushed on. "But please, go see him first before you make any decisions. Come with me. I'll take you to his room."

James stood up first and was right behind the doctor as he led them through double doors and down the hall. They reached an elevator and he stepped inside, willing it not to stop because he was sure that any delay would push him over the edge. Thankfully, nothing of the sort happened. It only seemed to take longer than it should. Logan's room was close by and Doctor White opened the door then stepped aside to let them in. James brushed by him and rushed over to the bed.

He stopped short when he was hit with the unavoidable reality of how bad things really were. There were tubes and wires hooked up to machines, going every which way. One tube in particular had been carefully forced down Logan's throat as the awful sound of artifical oxygen filled the otherwise silent room. His face held no color and when James reached out to tentatively take his hand, he jerked back at first, startled by how cold the skin felt. "Logie," he whispered. "Can you hear me?"

Carlos stood next to him, staring at Logan before he spoke. "That. . . tube down his throat," he whispered. "Is that what helps him breathe?"

The doctor stood in the doorway and hesitated before answering. "It's not exactly helping him breathe," he said quietly. "It's breathing for him completely. It's keeping him alive."

James felt Carlos tense up next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. "Right now anyway," he said, refusing to give up completely even though their situation seemed devoid of hope. "He'll be okay. I know he will."

Mrs. Knight led Katie in the room, holding onto her tightly as if she was afraid of ever letting go again. "James is right," she said, not sounding as convinced as James did. "Logan is a strong boy. We have no reason to give up on him completely." She took Logan's free hand and held it gently, rubbing it between her fingers as if trying to generate heat and life into the boy.

Kendall was there too but completely silent. He hadn't said a word since he had asked his mother if Logan would be all right. He stared at Logan's face, searching for a sign of real life, trying to see past the tubes and wires and machines. It was impossible though. Logan was dead. He wasn't really alive. If the machine next to his bed was turned off, he would be gone in mere minutes. But if they lost him again like they had in the ambulance, would they ever be able to get him back?

**A/N. Okie dokie. I'm thinking nine more chapters after this one for a total of. . . lol thirty chapters. Math whiz. My goal is to have it finished before September. I have about seven future chapters already written, they simply need editing. So it's actually a pretty realistic goal lol. We'll see. Then I have a TON of one-shots to write as well as a couple of "series" and another multi-chapter fic that I. . . just have to figure out how to write lol. Because I know what is going to happen. The plot is just. . . a little out there. Which actually makes me excited! Anyway. That's all for now, folks! Canwemaybegetto300reviews? -shot-**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N. Another Harry Potter question: Does Draco Malfoy ever have any redeeming qualities or moments? Because you know how we all love heroes _and _villians? What is Draco? He's certainly not a hero but he never actually does anything horrible to qualify himself as a villian. He just does what people tells him to or cries about it AND IT'S HIS FREAKING FAULT THAT SNAPE DIED. Ahem. I don't own anything.**

Carlos stared at Logan's pale face, watching for any sign that his friend could hear him. "Hey, Logie," he said softly, trying to ignore the twinge of disappointment he felt when there was no change. Would he ever be used to it? No. It had been eleven days and every time he spoke and Logan didn't answer, he felt the same crushing blow to his already fragile hope.

"Keep talking to him," James instructed gently. He leaned over the bed and carefully brushed a strand of hair out of Logan's closed eyes. "Buddy, you should wake up today, okay?" He smiled through his tears. "You need a shower and a hair cut. Besides," he added, sobering quickly. "We miss you. We need our genius. But more importantly, Logan, we just need our best friend back. Things aren't the same without you."

Carlos stared at James in wonder, marveling at how easy it was for the older boy to converse with the still, silent Logan. It was like he didn't even notice that all of his questions, comments, and stories went completely answered. He seemed to be driven by a force unknown to everyone else, completely determined to talk Logan back into consciousness if that's what it took. But what amazed Carlos the most was the fact that James really seemed like he believed that he actually could bring Logan back simply by talking.

He had hardly stopped taking for the past week and a half. Every day, he was the first to wake up at 6:30 and the first one out the door and hour later. He was the first one in Logan's hospital room when visiting hours started at eight in the morning and the last one to leave hours later. The entire twelve hours that they were allowed to be there, James talked. Carlos had never known anyone, not even himself to talk so much. James literally did not shut up unless he was eating, in the bathroom, watching the doctors and nurses when they came in to check on Logan, or taking a nap that had been forced upon him by someone else. Carlos couldn't believe that he still had a voice after all the talking he had been doing but somehow it was as strong and as steady as ever.

"We're getting lots of letters from fans, Logie." James was saying when Carlos freed himself from his thoughts. "They're all really worried about you right now." He sat up a little straighter, wincing as he moved his stiff neck back and forth. Withdrawing one of the letters from his jacket pocket, James unfolded the pink stationary paper, cleared his throat and began to read.

"Dear Mr. Logan Mitchell, my name is Lily Evans. I am six years old and I love Big Time Rush. I love your friends and you. You are my favorite, Mr. Logan. I love all your songs. I like to dance and sing along to them. My favorite song is "Halfway There" because it's about friendship. . ."

Carlos looked up when James trailed off. "James?" he asked softly. He could see tears glistening in his friend's eyes but he wanted so badly to hear the end of the letter.

James cleared his throat again, swiping a hand across his eyes. "Sorry," he apologized to both Carlos and Logan. "Here's the rest." He took a deep breath and pushed on, his voice shaking with emotion.

"My favorite song is "Halfway There" because it's about friendship and all the hard stuff we can get through as long as we have friends and family with us who love us and care about us. You have really good friends. Mr. James and Mr. Kendall and Mr. Carlos love you very much and I bet they want you to get better even more than I do. I hope you get better because I want to meet you and hug you. But I want you to get better mostly because you're a nice person and so are all of your friends. You all make so many people happy and you deserve to be happy and alive. I love you and I hope you get better soon. Love, Lily."

James carefully folded the letter up and set it on the nightstand near Logan's bed. "She's already dotting her i's with hearts," he said with a gentle laugh. "Anyway, I hope you heard all of that, buddy. Lily may be only six years old but she's the smartest six year old I can think of. Besides you, I guess. Although, she might have been able to challenge you back then. But she was totally right, Logan. About everything."

"How do you do it?" Carlos finally asked, completely frustrated.

James tore his gaze away from Logan, concern for Carlos in his eyes. "Do what?" he asked.

Carlos shook his head and gestured helplessly to Logan. "Talk to him like you do. You make it look so easy. How can you just talk to him like everything is fine when it's obviously not?" To his dismay, tears blurred Carlos' eyes and began to stream down his face. "How can you talk to him even though he never answers, James? How can you act like he never tried to leave us? He tried to kill himself, James!"

Instead of getting angry at him like Carlos was afraid of, James simply moved from his chair to hug the younger boy. "I know," he said, his voice breaking slightly. "I know all of that, Carlitos. But. . . that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up on him. We don't know what's going to happen so why can't I act like everything is going to turn out okay in the end?"

"But how?" Both Carlos and James turned to look at Kendall who had been silent during the entire exchange. He had been silent a lot lately. He actually stayed quiet enough to almost make up for James' endless chatter and it scared Carlos. He had never known Kendall to be the quiet type and this behavior was like another person entirely. "How can you have so much hope when the doctors tell us every day that Logan isn't getting any better? How can you have so much hope when they're constantly talking about taking Logan off of his life support and letting him go completely?"

It was so much easier to share Kendall's despair than James' hope. Carlos felt himself giving in once again and he drew into himself, turning away from James and Kendall to look at Logan. He felt a hand on his shoulder. Kendall. He didn't turn around again. "I don't want to let him go completely," he whispered, wrapping his arms around himself because he suddenly felt cold.

"I'm sorry, Carlos." Kendall apologized, sounding exhausted. "James. I shouldn't have said that. That was. . . too far." He leaned forward and hid his face in his hands, a habit he had acquired sometime during Logan's stay in the hospital. It was like he was trying to hide the fact that he was falling apart.

"Kendall," James reached over and took one of one of Kendall's wrists, wrapping his fingers around it lightly. He gave a gentle tug, forcing Kendall to look up at him and Carlos. "Do you believe in miracles?"

Kendall let both of his hands fall away as he stared at James in astonishment. "James," he said, his voice full of disbelief. "This is no time to throw your favorite movie quote in my face. It's not going to-"

"I'm not throwing my favorite movie quote at you," James rolled his eyes. "I can't help it if it happened to be appropriate. Seriously though, Kendall. Do you?"

Kendall sat up, studying James closely. He was, as he said, completely serious. So Kendall thought and then nodded. "I do believe in miracles," he said softly.

"Carlos?" James turned to look at his other friend.

Carlos jumped a little, caught of guard by his inclusion in the discussion. "Of course," he answered readily enough.

"So do I," James said, looking determined again. "Since we all believe in miracles, why can't we believe that we'll get one? Why not us?"

Neither Kendall or Carlos had anything to say about that.

* * *

Carlos was exhausted. None of them had been sleeping very well and it had been sixteen days now. He blinked sleepily, struggling to keep his heavy eyelids open. A glance at the clock showed him that it was nearly 7:00 in the evening. They would have to leave soon. The thought made Carlos want to cry. He didn't want to leave Logan for another night. Maybe he would sleep better if Logan was right there with him. That was the way it had been since they had moved to LA. Carlos' room was right next door to Logan's. Now. Now they were a thirty minute drive away. They had never been so far apart.

His optimism had been greatly improved since James' statement about miracles. But it had been five days, nearly another whole week since that happened and still nothing had changed. Despair was beginning to win once again. Especially since the doctors had been dropping vague hints about taking Logan off life support even though Mrs. Knight constantly refused to hear about it.

Carlos looked around. Katie had fallen into a restless sleep, her head on her mother's shoulder. Mrs. Knight held a magazine in her hands but she had been staring at the same page for the last twenty minutes. Kendall had lapsed into one of his silent episodes, staring at Logan, the hope in his eyes fading a little more with each passing day. James was as usual, talking, to Logan, who as usual, was unresponsive.

"You know, you're really boring when you're unconscious." James sighed, ignoring the appalled stares he got. "I think you should wake up before we wind up sitting in corners and rocking back and forth."

"James," Kendall began uncertainly.

"Well, nothing else has worked, right?" James asked, sounding irritated despite his best efforts to remain calm. "I think we need to guilt trip him awake."

The statement was the most absurd thing Carlos had ever heard in his life and before he could stop himself, he laughed. It was a short laugh, one that died an instant later. But it lightened the tension in the room just a little. "Hear that, Logan?" he asked, leaning a little toward the bed. "You need to wake up so we can have a little fun."

Kendall sighed a ran a hand through his hair when the silence returned to the room. "Nothing's helping," he said, his voice tinged in despair.

"You don't know that!" James exclaimed, louder than anyone was expecting. When they all jumped, he lowered his voice, eyes on Logan. "He might be able to hear every word we say. That's something, isn't it?" He glared at Kendall, daring his friend to contradict him and say that it was possible Logan could hear absolutely nothing they had been saying for the past sixteen days. When the other boy was silent, he turned once again to Logan. "See how much we need you right now, Logan?"

Carlos looked away. He could no longer bear to see the way James struggled to hide his disappointment when Logan didn't answer him. Tears flooded his eyes, making it hard to see anyway. He only wished he could block out the sound of James begging Logan to wake up. But something different happened. Something that they had been hoping for, but hadn't been expecting. Carlos heard James draw in a sharp breath and out of the corner of his eye, saw him lean forward. Quickly, hope knocking the air out of him. "What?" he gasped out.

James' eyes were rivited on Logan, showing no sign that he had heard Carlos' question. But he answered him, his voice suddenly alive. "I think," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "I think I saw his fingers move."

Carlos looked down at Logan's hands, laid carefully across his chest. He stared hard at them, unblinking, until his vision blurred. Nothing. He saw nothing. Not even the slightest of movements. "I don't-"

"There!" James actually shouted this time. "Did you see it that time?" His hand brushed lightly against Logan's left hand, lingering on his ring finger. "This one," he said in a softer tone. "It moved. I'm sure it did." He wrapped his fingers around Logan's hand, giving it a light squeeze. "Logan, can you hear me, buddy?" he called hopefully.

Mrs. Knight had sat upright, waking Katie with her sudden movement. The two of them stared hopefully at the hand that James was holding onto. Kendall was on his feet, looking more alert than he had in over two weeks, finger poised over the call button for Logan's doctor. "Should I?" he whispered. Without waiting for an anwer, he jammed the button and then leaned over Logan. "Logan, can you hear us? Can you open your eyes for me?"

It hurt so much to hear Kendall literally begging Logan to wake up or show another sign that he heard them. But Carlos couldn't take his eyes off of his unconscious friend, holding his breath while they all waited and hoped. Then, they all saw it. Logan's limp and lifeless fingers suddenly closed around James' hand and held it for a brief time before dropping it again. "I saw it," Carlos whispered before James could ask. His eyes shot up to Logan's face, still partially covered by those awful tubes and wires.

His eyelashes were fluttering lightly like he was trying to wake up. He did hear them, Carlos was positive. "Logie," he said, excitement rising in his voice. For a second, Logan's eyes opened all the way and Carlos felt his heart skip a beat before it started to pound in excitement and fear. They were closed again before anyone could say anything, but it was obvious that he was trying again.

A line of discomfort appeared over the gray skin of his forehead and Carlos got the feeling that if he didn't have a tube stuck down his throat, Logan would be frowning. "Is he okay?" he asked the others even they had no way of knowing. "Logan, are you-"

Suddenly, Logan's eyes flew open, wide with fear. At first, they were all too stunned to speak. Then Logan tried to suck in a deep gulp of air only to choke on the very tube that had kept him alive for so long. He tore his hand away from James and clutched desperately at the tube, fingers shaking as he tried to gain a steady grip. Panicked tears slipped down his face and he was completely oblivious to the frantic attempts to calm him down.

"Logan! Logan, look at me, buddy!" James managed to catch Logan's hands and pull them away from his face. "Calm down. Just-" he turned away to look at the door. "Where's the doctor?" he yelled, giving up on trying to stay calm for Logan when he heard the heart monitor start to beep erratically.

Carlos was suddenly gently but firmly shoved aside as a strange nurse rushed into the room. "Logan," he said in a steady, professional voice. "Is that his name?" He worked as he talked, fingers wrapped around the tube in Logan's throat as he carefully began to ease it out. "Just relax, Logan. You're going to be okay in a few seconds. Now, on the count of three, give me a little cough and help me get this thing out. Ready?" He watched as Logan gave a sharp nod and then smiled reassuringly. "All right, one. . . two. . . three."

Carlos couldn't help but cringe slightly and look away as the nurse removed the tube from Logan's throat. He was quick to look back again when he heard Logan gasping for air. He was breathing on his own. "Logie," he said, tears beginning to fall. "You're awake." The heart monitor had slowed into a steady rhythm as Logan began to get his breathing under control.

Logan coughed hoarsely, this throat burning and aching so badly that tears came to his eyes. The nurse stood by his side, a hand on his shoulder. "That's it," he murmured, soothing the frightened boy. "Welcome back, buddy. You had us really worried for a while there. Can you hear me?"

Carlos stood aside, watching the exchange breathlessly. He watched as Logan nodded in answer to the nurse's questions, sensing Kendall, Mrs. Knight, Katie, and James all at his side. "He's awake," he whispered to no one in particular.

"Logan, can you talk?" the nurse seemed oblivious to the others around him, focusing only on Logan. "Take it easy, it's probably going to hurt for a while."

Logan nodded again and then opened his mouth. An awful rasping sound was all he could manage at first but he tried again. "Whe-" he started before coughing again.

"You're at Lincoln Hospital in Los Angeles, California." the man told him. "The date is September 15, 2011. You've been in a coma and hooked up to life support for the past sixteen days." He watched Logan's eyes widen in disbelief and gently went on. "That's why you had a tube down your throat. You weren't able to breathe on your own. Do you understand?"

Another nod, hesitant this time. Logan was confused, that much was obvious. He lifted a hand and weakly motioned the nurse to lean forward so that he didn't have to try and strain his voice so much. Carlos leaned forward, trying to hear what Logan had to say but all he caught was a raspy, painful sounding voice. He looked at the nurse who had drawn back, brow furrowed. "Don't worry about that right now," the man said softly. "There will be time for that later on. Just lay back and try to relax. I'm going to check your vitals."

"What's happening?" James couldn't wait any longer and stepped to stand by Logan's side, automatically finding and holding one of his hands. "It's all right, Logie," he whispered gently, tears filling his eyes. "You're safe. We're all right here with you."

"I'm Jack, by the way," the nurse introduced himself as he surveyed the machines and charts with a practiced eye. "The nurse on duty tonight. I got in a few minutes ago for my shift." He looked down at Logan, smiling. "Just in time too, I see."

Mrs. Knight had joined James by Logan's side and was gently brushing his hair off his forehead. "Logan, sweetie," she murmured tearfully. "We've been worried sick about you. Don't be afraid, Logan." she said quickly when Logan's eyes darted up to look at her, still wide with fear. "James is right. You're safe right now. We're all right here."

"Wha- 'appened?" Logan rasped out, wincing like it hurt him to talk.

Mrs. Knight's fingers ceased their gentle combing for an instant. She rasied her gaze to the boys and Katie, communicating silently with her eyes. "Jack is right, baby." she told Logan, going back to soothing him. "You don't need to worry about that right now. Just relax, okay? Everyone is right here. We're not going anywhere any time soon."

"That's right," Jack said with a nod. "I know that we just met and it was a little abrupt, but trust me, Logan. Right now, you need to concentrate on getting better and worry about other things later. I'm going to go get Doctor White, okay? Hang in there, buddy." He patted Logan gently on the shoulder, smiled encouragingly at the others, and then left the room.

Katie was glued to her mother's side once again, staring at Logan with wide, fear-filled eyes. She didn't speak as she gazed over the brother she thought she had lost. Kendall had finally found his voice again and seemed to be in an unspoken competition with James to see who could talk more to Logan who only looked confused by their senseless babble. Carlos walked around to stand on the othe side of the bed so that he could take Logan's free hand. He didn't say anything as he watched everyone try to absorb what had just happened.

Logan was awake. He knew all of them and he could even talk, though it wasn't very easy right now. He was _breathing._ On his own, without the assistance of the awful looking tube and the awful sounding machine. But. Carlos had heard the tone beneath Jack's cheerful, optimistic, and encouraging words. They weren;t out of the woods yet. Things were still far from okay. Logan could still die.

**A/N. Well, now I'm thinking that there might be more than twelve chapters lol. I don't know why I bother making plans because I always wind up changing things until they're completely different. I'm still determined to have this finished before September and I'm still sure that it'll work out. I just want this over with right now. So. Review if you liked it and while you do that, I'll get started on the next chapter!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N. Favorite and least favorite Harry Potter character, go! I don't own anything. **

Kendall could hardly believe it was happening. Logan was alive. Breathing. All on his own. Yes, he still looked dreadful and near death, but he was awake. Conscious. He collapsed into a nearby chair and prayed that they would be able to keep Logan because even though he was awake, he was still extremely weak. Kendall could not imagine, even now, what it would be like to lose one of his best friends. He didn't want to find out what it was like.

Doctor White had just left, after what seemed like a lengthy examination, declaring that Logan's lungs were obviously functioning on their own and that the condition of his kidneys seemed to be improving as well. It was his heart that troubled the doctor and that terrified Kendall. Hearts scared him. Once when they were twelve, Logan had showed him a picture of a real heart and Kendall could not fathom how such a small organ could be held in such great responsibility such as keeping a person alive by pumping blood throughout their body. Logan found it incredible, Kendall found it terrifying. But after all, Logan had wanted to be a doctor.

Kendall wondered if Logan still wanted to be a doctor. It was an understatement that what had happened was ironic. Logan, of all people, the aspiring doctor, had gotten caught in the trap of a drug addicted life and had wound up trying to kill himself. A million thoughts rushed through Kendall's mind. They had lain up their in his brain since Logan's suicide attempt, not quite completing themselves until now, when Logan was awake, and Kendall could actually think straight.

Why? Why had Logan gotten addicted to drugs in the first place? Why had he lied to them? Why hadn't he asked them for help? Why had he kept it going? Why had he tried to kill himself? Most importantly, why hadn't Kendall, as his best friend, as his _brother_, seen all of this happening? He was Logan's protector. It had been that way since they met. He had protected all of them, but especially Logan, who lost his mother when they were six and then his father when they were fourteen. Kendall's mother had adopted Logan, officially making him Kendall's brother. His little brother because yes, a few months really did count in Kendall's opinion. And he was several inches shorter making him more vulnerable to Kendall.

Kendall had failed Logan and consequently, all of them. Because now they were all completely shattered. And what if they _did_ lose Logan in the end? The thought was too horrible to comprehend, but Kendall couldn't ignore it. If it did happen and Logan. . . died, how in the world would they move on? They had been four for so long. For all of their lives, really. How would they adjust to being three? Kendall couldn't see it happening.

He shook his head, chasing away all of those thoughts for the time being because Logan was awake and he wanted to talk to him even though the younger boy could hardly speak himself. He didn't have to talk. Kendall didn't want him to strain his already messed up voice. He could wait. But that didn't mean that he was willing or able to sit by the bed and just stare at Logan like he was still unconscious. He cleared his throat, feeling a sudden joy rush through him when Logan turned his head at the sound and their eyes met. "Hey, Logie," he said gently.

Logan blinked and opened his mouth to respond. "-ndall," he said tiredly.

"You don't need to talk yet, buddy." Kendall told him quickly. "I know it probably hurts your throat a lot." He watched as Logan gave a small nod and then sat back at little, letting himself relax his tense position. "We've missed you."

"Yeah," Carlos spoke up, catching Logan's attention. "We were really scared. We still are. But you're going to be okay, Logan. The doctors will take good care of you and make everything better, okay? Soon, you'll be able to come home."

Kendall caught the look on his mother's face when Carlos spoke. Abruptly, he stiffened once again, instantly reading the expression he saw. Logan _wasn't _going to come home with them. At least not right away. It was something he should have known from the beginning. Logan wasn't going to survive a deadly drug overdose and then just get sent home as soon as he was healthy enough. He would be going away. To rehab. The thought made Kendall feel sick. He saw Logan look at him, confused, and quickly pasted a smile of his face and tried to think of something to say.

James picked up the conversation. "We've been getting lots of letters, Logan. I've been bringing them and reading them to you. I'll have to bring them again tomorrow and read them again since you're actually awake to hear them. They're get-well cards from our fans and pretty awesome."

Another thought came to Kendall and even though it really didn't matter, he knew that it would have a huge impact on all of them. Big Time Rush. Would it really be able to continue after what had happened? Would Griffin, or even Gustavo for that matter, still want them? Would their fans, despite all of the wonderful cards they had sent it, still want them? From a publicity stand point, no, there was no way. Logan had gotten involved in drugs and had nearly died as a result. Maybe their young fans wouldn't quite understand and maybe their older fans would be forgiving. But their parents would certainly not want Big Time Rush as a role model for their children. The record company knew that. Big Time Rush was over, Kendall knew it. Because even if by some miracle, they weren't dropped by the record company, there was no way their own parents were going to let them continue. It was all over. James' dream was crushed and Kendall wondered if he knew that.

They couldn't talk about that now though. There was a silent agreement among all of them to not talk to Logan about his suicide attempt or Big Time Rush. Not yet anyway. It was much too soon and his condition was still so fragile and unbalanced. They couldn't talk about anything that upset him and fortunately, he was currently unable to talk well enough to ask his own questions. They would simply wait until he was strong enough. Because in the end, it was unavoidable.

Logan shifted on the bed and Kendall glanced at him worriedly. Something about him, other than his weakened health, seemed wrong. He seemed nervous and restless. Afraid. "You okay, Logan?" he finally asked, unable to keep quiet and watch his friend suffer. "Hey. Listen. I know you're probably scared. We all are. But you're awake now and that's really good. You can get better, Logan, I know you can. We all do."

Logan shook his head and pulled his hand out of Kendall's grasp. "No," he whispered hoarsely, managing to utter the one syllable word without too much difficulty. To everyone's alarm, he seemed to be growing even more agitated as the seconds ticked by, eyes darting around the room desperately searching for something, hands shaking as he tried to prop himself up into a sitting position.

"Logan, calm down." James advised him, looking increasingly anxious as Logan's own nervousness rose. "What do you need, buddy?" He set his hands on Logan's shoulders, keeping him from moving too much.

"N-no," Logan repeated, tears filling his eyes as he spoke. "P-please,"

"Please, what?" Mrs. Knight asked, standing up. "Honey, what's wrong?" She gently cupped his face between her hands, brushing away any tears that had escaped. "Look at me, Logan. What's wrong? Are you in pain?"

Logan's hands shook as they came up to meet his mother's. He shook his head again but still looked like he was on the verge of falling completely apart. "Please," he said. "I-I need," he paused to cough harshly, turning away from the concerned faces. Then he turned back to them and tried again. "I n-need help." He slumped back against the pillows, looking exhausted by the effort.

"Sweetie, you are getting help," Mrs. Knight told him gently, clearly wondering if she should elaborate on just how much help he would be getting. "The doctors and the nurses here, us, and-" she broke off, tears filling her eyes. "Then once you're healthy enough to be released, we're going to get more help for you."

Kendall closed his eyes when he heard James and Carlos gasp. At least he hadn't been the only one totally unaware to what needed to happen if- _when_, Logan got out of the hospital. But that didn't make it any easier to see or hear his other best friends react. Kendall opened his eyes to look at Katie because she had been quiet for so long. Her face held no surprise whatsoever at her mother's vague allusion to Logan going to rehab. She had known already somehow.

A small sob from Logan made Kendall look away from Katie. He had pulled away from Mrs. Knight, turning on his side away from everyone. "No, not t-that help," he whispered, curling into himself, his eyes staring blankly at the wall.

Frantic, Kendall hit the call button and then hurried over to the other side of the bed, trying to get Logan's attention. "Logan!" he called, frightened when Logan acted like he didn't even hear him. "Logan, please! Talk to me! What do you need?"

"H-help," Logan whimpered, his tear continuing to fall. "I need h-help," It suddenly became painfully clear to all everyone there what was wrong with him. Even before Doctor White hurried in, followed by a couple of nurses.

"Withdrawal," the doctor said grimly, shaking his head. "Logan, can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me."

Logan might have heard Doctor White but he showed no sign that he had. He actually acted like he wasn't even aware of the others in the hospital room with him. Completely oblivious to their concern, he only cried harder for "help". He was trembling badly and as Kendall watched, sickened, he wondered how much of the uncontrollable shaking had to do with Logan's sobs and how much of it had to do with his body reacting to the lack of drugs it had been depending on for so long.

"We need to give him something," Doctor White said with a sigh. "Since his body has become so dependent on the drugs he's been taking, we can't just stop giving him it so abruptly. We need to ease him off of the medications."

"You mean you're _giving_ him more drugs?" Kendall asked in disbelief.

The doctor nodded. "For now, anyway." he said mildly.

Kendall could only watch along with everyone else as the nurse handed Doctor White a syringe that he then quickly inserted the contents of into Logan's IV. It was eerie how quickly Logan calmed down. He stopped thrashing out and his sobs quieted. The faraway, tortured look in his eyes was exchanged for a glassy-eyed expression and he laid back against the pillows.

Even James' optimism was silenced after that. Kendall felt his heart sink when he looked across Logan's bed and saw his best friend staring straight at the wall as if he was deep in thought, trying to come up with something encouraging to say. Then, suddenly, after Logan fell into a restless sleep, James stood up and left the room. Glancing around at the others, Kendall sighed and took one last look at Logan. "I'll go talk to him," he said quietly.

He left just in time to see James headed towards the elevator and followed him without a word. Either James didn't notice him or he just didn't acknowledge him as Kendall hurried into the elevator just before the doors closed. Kendall watched as the other boy jammed one of the buttons at random with a trembling finger and then both of them leaned against the wall, waiting to reach their destination.

They wound up right by the hospital cafeteria and Kendall trailed the silent James as he ordered a coffee and then walked over to the nearest clear table, sinking into one of the chairs. He sat across from him and waited, knowing that as the leader, he had to say something. He just didn't know what.

"I guess I didn't realize that it was that bad," James whispered, swirling his drink around with a straw. "I mean. . . he was in a coma and all that. I knew that his heart and everything was really messed up. . . and I even knew-" James broke off and swallowed hard, nearly knocking over his coffee as he reached up to wipe tears away. "I even knew that he would have to. . . go away after he got better. I just-"

"You didn't think about the withdrawal," Kendall finished softly. "Right?"

James nodded and sighed. "Yeah. I don't know why. It makes sense. . . I guess. I was just thinking that the doctors would take care of him and then, um, I guess the rehab people. . . and then us. I thought the drug part was over." James scoffed at himself. "Now that I think about it, that was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it?"

Kendall shrugged. "Maybe. But you weren't the only one. But you've been a little better than the rest of us because you were the one who never gave up. At all." He shook his head in amazement. "How did you, James?"

Unexpectedly, James suddenly seemed to draw away from Kendall then. He glanced away, apparently absorbed in his drink that he had yet to drink. "I don't know why I ordered this," he said to himself. "I don't even like coffee."

_Logan likes coffee_. Kendall thought to himself. But he didn't say anything about that. "James," he ventured, unsure of himself. "Why didn't you-"

"You know, I think we should get back to Logan's room in case he wakes up again soon," James announced as he stood up. It was obvious that he didn't want to discuss Logan's condition and his unfailing optimism any longer. He was back to being determined and hopeful, as well as shutting himself off from Kendall.

Kendall didn't know what to do. He was supposed to be the leader. He should know what to say to James. He should know whether or not he should push James to tell him why he was the only one who hadn't fallen completely apart by now. But he didn't know.

They made it back to Logan's room to find their friend still asleep with Katie and Mrs. Knight close to sleep as well. It was only a little after 10:00 at night but everyone was drained from lack of sleep and the stressful day that had occurred. "Mom," Kendall said quietly. "Want me to see if I can get a cot for you and Katie?"

Mrs. Knight gave her son a small smile. "That would be great, Kendall. Thank you."

To his dismay, Kendall could only find one cot. He and Carlos and James would have to content themselves with the soft but rather small, chairs in the room. He sat with his legs drawn up to his chest and watched Logan as he slept, feeling like he was going to go insane because of how utterly helpless he felt. Everything was so wrong.

* * *

Kendall wasn't surprised when he didn't get that much sleep. The chair was incredible uncomfortable and by morning, he had a really stiff neck from trying to sleep in it. But that wasn't the only reason his sleep was broken up. Logan woke up three times during the night, crying and shaking, lost in a completely different world. It was terrifying and he would never understand how he wound up falling back asleep after one of Logan's "episodes". He didn't see how things could possibly get any worse.

But at 9:35 the following morning, it did get impossibly worse. They had all just eaten an unappetizing breakfast and were trying to have a normal conversation when normal didn't exist anymore. There wasn't anything safe to talk about. Everything would eventually come back to how they had ended up sitting in the hospital.

Logan somehow looked worse than he had the previous day. He was paler and his eyes never quite came into focus. He had spent most of the morning so far going through withdrawal that was torturous to watch. He rarely talked even though his voice had at least grown stronger. He hardly seemed aware of them half the time and even when he did talk his words were slow to come as if he was struggling with everything he said.

They were all staring around at each other, hoping someone else would start talking. The silence was heavy and awkward though Logan seemed not to notice. He had been quiet for some time now, subdued by the small doses of whatever the medications the doctors had given him. So when he spoke, it was his voice and what he said that scared everyone. "Where's Kendall?"

Kendall stiffened in his chair and then leaned forward into Logan's line of vision. "I'm right here, Logan." he said, trying to sound calm.

Logan's brown eyes locked with Kendall's green but despite the fact that they weren't completely spaced out like they had been, there was no recognition. "N-no," he said, shaking his head and pulling away from Kendall. "You're not K-Kendall."

"Logan," Kendall managed to choke out. "_I'm _Kendall. I'm right here. Look at me, Logan."

The scary part was that Logan _was _looking at Kendall. Straight at him. But it was like he was looking at someone he had never seen before. A stranger. Even worse, a monster. He looked completely terrified of Kendall or whatever he was seeing instead of Kendall.

"Logan?" James asked, looking stunned and at a loss for words.

Kendall held his breath and then watched as Logan turned, sobbing in fear and confusion. He felt like someone had just checked him into the boards and the breath had left his lungs forever. "Why doesn't he recognize me?" he whispered to no one in particular. "He knew who I was yesterday, what's wrong with him now?"

"J-James," Logan cried. "Where's Kendall? Where is he? Why isn't he here? Why am I here, James? What happened?"

Kendall could only watch as James tried to comfort Logan who was far beyond comforting. He felt frozen, he couldn't move. He could hardly breathe. What was happening? He turned suddenly when Doctor White walked in and realized that someone other than himself and James must have called for help. "What's happening to him?" he asked, turning to the man. "He doesn't know who I am."

"Tell him to go away!" Logan pleaded, turning away from Kendall's stare. He seemed to recognize everyone else but Kendall, turning to them each in turn and asking them where Kendall was and to make the other person in the room go away.

"Sweetie," Mrs. Knight tried to intervene when James' attempts proved useless. "Kendall is right here."

"No! That's _not_ Kendall!"

Then just like the realization of Logan's withdrawal came to Kendall, what was happening now suddenly made sense. He was _hallucinating._ That had to be it. Nothing else made sense. Kendall wasn't sure if it was because of the drugs he didn't have in him or the drugs that he did have in him. But whatever the reason, he was having some sort of mind trip that altered reality for him. It was like he was losing his mind right in front of them.

**A/N. I'm going to go die now. Or go in hunt of chocolate since Professor Lupin says that it helps. Wish me luck!**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N. Uggggggh. I need. . . sleep. I've been on this three hour a night stretch and it's killing me sloooowly. -dead- I don't own anything.**

Logan was incredibly disoriented. All he knew was that he was in the hospital and had just woken up from a coma that had lasted sixteen days. The pieces were slowly beginning to come together but they kept fitting together the wrong way and making things even more confusing. He constantly felt weak and shaky and everything was scaring him. He turned his head to see that it was exactly 12:00 in the afternoon, but everyone around his bed was half asleep.

His mother sat on the one cot they had in there, combing her fingers through Katie's hair as she stared straight at the wall. Katie herself, was fast asleep but Logan could see that her face was wet and swollen from a recent and violent crying fit. James was _still_ talking to him but Logan had given up trying to understand the stream of endless words that his friend uttered because so far they had yet to clear things up for him. Carlos had been practically mute for the past two days and had, since yesterday, started to avoid eye contact with Logan. Kendall fell somewhere in the middle of the other two boys but today he looked awful, eyes red and teary, looking completely haunted.

No one except James had spoken for the past forty-five minutes. It was like they were all in shock, even James, except he coped by setting the world record for talking non-stop. But he _was_ talking. So he was probably Logan's best chance. "James?"

James stopped talking abruptly as if someone had hit a switch that turned him off. He stared at Logan for a minute and then drew in a deep breath. "Logan?" he asked, his voice sounding as hoarse as Logan's. "What is it? What do you need?" He looked almost afraid by his own question, like he didn't want to hear the answer.

It hurt to see the compassion in James' eyes. Because Logan was just so confused. He didn't know what had happened that would give James a reason to care for him on such an extreme level. Logan cleared his throat and mentally crossed his fingers. "What happened? Why am I here?"

A look of dread came over James' face and he automatically glanced at Kendall and then Mrs. Knight or help. Kendall looked as lost as he did, but Mrs. Knight gently eased Katie from her lap and then moved from the cot to the chair next to Kendall. "We can tell you," she said, sounding guarded and uncertain. "But if you get upset at all, we'll have to stop."

"Mrs. Knight-" James began.

"It's fine, James." Kendall interrupted, looking strangely angry all of the sudden. "We can tell him. The doctor said we could."

James looked like he wanted to protest further but he closed his mouth and sat back down, his back uncomfortably straight with tension against the chair.

Logan's eyes moved back and forth between them during the short discussion that sounded like a barely controlled debate. He turned his worried gaze back to his mother, trying to ignore James and Kendall and the way they were glaring at each other. "Well?" he asked, fear making his voice shake.

"Honey, you're here because. . . because you have a problem and you almost died because of it."

At first, Logan was even more confused although he didn't think that it was possible. Then everything came back to him in one swift memory that was like a blow to the stomach. "Oh," he said faintly, sparing her from giving him any other details that would be bad memories for the rest of them. "Yeah."

"Oh yeah?" Kendall repeated in disbelief. "Is that all you can say?"

"Kendall," James' voice was quiet and calm but there was an edge to it that made Kendall fall silent, looking resentful and haunted all at the same time. "So, Logan," he said, softening his voice even more. "When you're healthy enough, you're going to go to a place where they'll help you get all the way better."

"You mean rehab," Logan said, tears filling his eyes. "I- please don't send me to rehab," he begged. "I don't need-"

"Yes you do," James' voice was unexpectedly sharp when he corrected Logan that time. "Logan, you're a mess. You have no idea what's happening right now. Sometimes you're like you are now and everything seems kind of okay. But most of the time, Logan, you're begging for "help" and crying." He gestured to Kendall who flinched like he knew what was coming. "Just a couple of hours ago, you didn't even recognize Kendall. You kept telling him to leave and asking us where Kendall was. You're going through withdrawal and hallucinating, Logan. Does that sound like something we can fix in a few days?"

Deeply shaken by James' outburst, Logan could only stare at him. Then he forced himself to look at Kendall who was staring at his hands in his lap. "Kendall," he said softly. Everything hit him all at once and he wondered why the realization didn't kill him. "Kendall, I'm sorry." He bit his lip, wondering why he even bothered apologizing when there was no way he could ever be forgiven.

Kendall looked up at his voice and his eyes were filled with such pain that Logan almost looked away. "Yeah," he said, speaking softly but somehow riveting Logan's attention on him. "Me too."

It was then that Carlos finally moved, all eyes turning to him. It had been so long since he had last spoken or even moved much. He stood and opened his mouth, looking like he was about to speak for a minute. Then without a word, he turned a walked slowly out of the room, leaving everyone to stare after him in concern. He never once looked at Logan.

* * *

Days passed and slowly Logan grew stronger. His progress was slow and far from steady. Everything was a blur of moments that made sense to him and moments that were only a blur of confusion. Sometimes he was coherent and aware of his surroundings but most times it felt like he was waking up to find everyone in tears over his latest withdrawal episode, something he could only guess at for himself.

One thing that was perfectly clear to him was all that had brought them to where they were now. How everything had started only to keep going and going until he had hit absolute rock bottom. What hurt the most was seeing how much pain everyone was in. His mother had been nothing but loving and caring but there was such unbelievable pain in her eyes that Logan would have preferred she screamed at him for everything he had done. Katie seemed to accept everything and just wanted him to get better but that wasn't about to happen anytime soon. It was hard to see her get let down time after time again.

His friends. James was clearly just as frightened as everyone else and yet he was by far the best by hiding his fear. He was so supportive and encouraging of Logan that it actually scared Logan to see. He had always know that past James; apparent shallow and selfish behavior was a true caring heart. But this was something Logan didn't deserve. He deserved to be treated much worse. Even worse than Kendall and Carlos were treating him. Kendall acted like he was almost afraid of Logan, afraid of everything actually. He never spoke whether it was to encourage someone or even criticize them. It was like he had given up completely. As for Carlos, Logan wondered why he even came to the hospital because in the two weeks that went by since he woke up, Carlos had hardly spoken to him or even looked at him. He seemed to be getting increasingly distant with each visit.

Logan was scared. He didn't know what was going to happen to him. He knew that he was going to eventually wind up in rehab but he didn't exactly know when or where he would go or even how long he would have to stay. And he didn't know have a clue what was going to happen after that.

Finally, with James' help, he convinced his mother to tell him about the place he would be going to. Just the word "rehab" scared Logan to hear and it was even worse to say. But in his moments of sanity, he couldn't just ignore it. He was terrified of waking up one day to find himself in a completely different place with everyone gone. So he pleaded for details and at last, she had finally given in.

It was a place called Second Chance Center in Minnesota. "Minnesota?" he repeated shakily. "I'm going back to Minnesota?" Would they really stay behind and leave him to continue his recovery all alone? Yes, it was what he deserved, more than what he deserved even, but the thought instantly brought tears to his eyes. He would be so far from everyone.

"We all are," his mother said softly and that was when things got even worse.

"But," Logan began slowly, "What about Big Time Rush?" He watched their facial expressions as they tried to mask their real emotions. But he recognized the dread right away and could only repeat himself. "What about Big Time Rush?" he asked when no one answered him.

"Logan," James spoke up, surprising everyone. "We. . . Big Time Rush. . . it's not. . . it's over."

Logan started at James in horror. "What?" he whispered. "Over? James. . . it can't be over. We've. . . _you've_ worked too hard. You can't just give up or let them give up on you. It was your dream and-"

"Well. . ." James looked back for support but found none except for the hand Mrs. Knight put on his shoulder. "The record company made the decision to not. . . pick us back up again. They thought that this might have made a bad impression." He shrugged, looking like he was desperate for a subject change.

"Honey," Mrs. Knight broke in, giving James some relief. "It wasn't just the record company. We. . . myself and Carlos' and James' parents decided that it would be best for everyone if we took a break from this life we've had for the past year. It's been a little too stressful on all of us and we all need to go home and be together. At least for the time being."

It _did_ make sense. Horrible sense. But that meant James' dream had been destroyed. It didn't matter that he might some day find another way to be famous, without his best friends. That wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. Logan, Kendall, and Carlos had all given up a huge part of their lives to help James achieve his dream and all that time had now gone to waste. All thanks to Logan and his incredible stupidity. "I'm sorry," he whispered, wishing that there was some way he could possibly make up for all the heartache he had caused. Sorry wasn't enough this time. The proof was in the way Kendall and Carlos had been avoiding him for over a week now despite the fact that they were in the same room. Logan was positive that there was nothing he could ever say or do that would possibly be enough. He had changed things forever and they would all be haunted by his mistakes for the rest of their lives.

* * *

The morning came when Logan was released from the hospital. He met this occasion with mixed feelings. On one hand, it was a relief to finally get out of the hospital. However, on the other hand, he left the building only to find a taxi waiting to take him to the airport. Just him. He would be traveling to Minnesota alone. The others were staying behind for a few more days so that they could finish packing the last of their belongings. Logan's things were already waiting for him at the rehab center in Minnesota.

"We'll come visit you as soon as we possibly can," his mother told him gently as she knelt by the wheelchair the doctors had forced him into. "I believe that the center wants to give you at least two weeks to settle in before they allow visitors, but as soon as we can, we'll be there. All right? It's only an hour away from home. It'll be okay, Logan. You'll see."

Logan wished that he could have at least some of her confidence. He leaned forward and let her embrace him, giving him comfort that he didn't deserve. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry that I let all this happen." Shaking his head, he tried to pull away, only to have her hold fast to him.

"Look at me, Logan." She gently forced him to meet her gaze and then wiped away a frightened tear that had escaped. "You are my son and I love you. There is nothing you could possibly do that would change that you made a mistake and you're paying the price. We all are. But you're worth it. Don't ever think differently." She kissed him one last time and then stood up, stepping back to let Katie say goodbye.

"Bye, Logan." Katie said, already in tears as she wrapped her arms lightly around his neck. She buried her face in his shoulder and let herself cry a little. "I'll miss you. We all will. Get better soon so you can come home, okay?"

Logan nodded and for once, tried to summon enough inner strength to smile in encouragement. But his younger sister was crying and it was all his fault. The guilt was too heavy a burden and all he could do was return the hug until she reluctantly stepped away.

At first none of the boys moved. Kendall had been watching his mother and sister while Carlos stared at his shoes and James looked at Logan like he thought he  
would never see him again. He was the first to move, pulling Logan out of the chair to his feet as he held onto him. That was when Logan started to cry and the older boy fought against his own tears as he tried to comfort his best friend. "It's only two weeks," he whispered, feeling like that only made things worse. "It'll go by before you know it."

Logan only cried harder because he didn't deserve James but he didn't want to leave him. He made him feel safe and he didn't know how he was supposed to get  
better without James at his side. "I'll miss you all," he said for lack of anything better to say.

"We'll miss you too, buddy." James replied, tightening his arms around Logan before letting him go and stepping slowly away. "We'll see you again though."

Kendall was next but his hug was brief and it seemed very reluctant compared to James' strong embrace. "Bye, Logan," he murmured, the bewilderment of the whole  
situation audible in his voice. His arms dripped to his side and he went to stand by his mother and sister.

Logan's eyes automatically went to Carlos and he flinched when he saw his younger friend's face. He had never seen such a desolate, forlorn expression before. "Carlos," he whispered, not sure if he should try to hug him or wait.

Carlos stood with his arms across his chest, leaning slightly away from Logan as if he was trying to protect himself. "Bye," he whispered, not lifting his gaze from his shoes.

Logan had his answer then. Carlos didn't want to hug him or even say goodbye. He didn't want to have anything to do with him. It hurt because Logan was struck  
once again by the realization of the broken trust between him and everyone else. It hurt because he knew that Carlos had been the one to believe in him while  
everyone else doubted him. And Logan had let him down.

With nothing left to say or do, Logan climbed into the back of the taxi and shut the door. He couldn't help but stare out the window too see everyone except Carlos watching him. He wondered if he ever would see then again and if in two weeks, they would all come to visit him at the same time. Another glance answered that question for him. There was no way.

The driver started the car, the sound of the engine startling Logan as it broke through the silence. They pulled away from the curb but he didn't take his eyes off of the figures standing there. He watched them until they faded from view and then turned around with no choice but to face whatever waited for him in his new life.

**A/N. Well, that was a lousy chapter! I apologize. I'll try to make the next one ****bearable lol. I'm going to um, I forget what I had planned. Sleep?****Hahahahahahaha. No. Write more? Maybe. Brainstorm? Another possibility. Save the ****world? Yeah. That sounds fun. I'll go do that right now. -heart-**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N. Alex Day has made me enjoy "Twilight" more than ever before lol. This random fact brought to you by. . . me! I don't own anything.**

James managed to keep his composure for exactly one hour after they arrived back at the Palm Woods without Logan. His stuff had been packed the first day he knew they were moving back to Minnesota and since no one else was quite ready, he had volunteered to pack up Logan's things. But for some reason, he hadn't thought about how difficult it would be. At first he sat there and stared at all the things that brought back an overwhelming amount of memories. Then he tried to move on and pack like he was supposed to. It was easier said than done.

Putting everything away until they unpacked back home in Minnesota made everything seem so final. It was the end. Over. Just like that. James wasn't upset about Big Time Rush though. Not in the way that people thought he might be. Logan, for example. It was obvious that he was scared that James would be mad at him for ruining all they had worked for. But that didn't matter to James. What mattered was that it was his dream that had led to this mess. It was he who had suspected something was wrong right from the beginning and hadn't pushed Logan hard enough for the truth. James knew deep down that he wasn't entirely to blame. But he had played a part in Logan's downfall.

Tears blurred his eyes as he tried to pack the items away without looking at them. At least, he told himself, Logan would one day be well enough to have all of these things back in his possession. One day he would read his textbooks and scribble down notes in notebooks. One day he would have all of this back in his bedroom in Minnesota instead of just clothes and a few personal items in some strange room at the rehab center.

Two weeks. They wouldn't be able to see Logan for two whole weeks. James had fought to keep that particular thought away because it was far too painful to deal with alone. They had never been apart for so long. Sure, they had gone on family vacations as long as a week and James always remembered that the remaining three would wait in agony for the return of their absent friend. Whenever he returned, all would be right again. This was so different though. Two weeks long. No contact allowed whatsoever while the doctors at the rehab center focused on Logan and only Logan. James appreciated that the strangers seemed to be so determined to help Logan but they were strangers. They were leaving Logan in the hands of complete strangers when he had never been so helpless before. Somehow that all seemed so wrong.

James wanted everything to go back to normal. Minnesota normal where Big Time Rush never existed and they had just been four best friends playing hockey every day they could. He'd give everything that had happened in the past year, the good and the bad, away if he could only trade it for having all of his friends safe, happy, healthy, and strong. But that could never happen. Even when Logan came home, things would never be the same.

James could no longer hold back the tears and they came fast and heavy, overwhelming him. He didn't even hear the door open or notice Mrs. Knight until she was on the floor beside him and wrapping her arms around him. When he did notice her, he leaned into her embrace and cried even harder. "I don't want to leave him," he told her even though it made no difference. "It's not right!"

"I know, honey." Mrs. Knight said softly, her own tears threatening to fall. "I didn't want to leave him either. The doctors thought it would be best for him though. A little tough love to give us all an idea of what we're up against."

James shook his head. "They don't know him though," he whispered. "How do they know what's best for him?"

"Because," she said gently. "They have a better idea of how to deal with everything right now."

"Do we really have to leave him there alone for two weeks?" James asked desperately. "What if he gets scared or lonely? We won't be able to be there for him."

A small smile crossed her face and she brushed away the tears on his face. "I am so proud of you," she told him. "You've been so strong, James. It hasn't been easy for any of us, but you and Katie have done so well."

Before he could check his reaction, James stiffened. He pulled slowly out of her arms and straightened up. "I don't have a choice," he said, glancing away. "I have to."

At his abrupt change, Mrs. Knight frowned worriedly. "James, is there something you need to tell someone?"

"You mean besides the fact that I could have stopped all of this from happening?" James asked, his tone suddenly sharp. "No. There's nothing."

It was clear that she didn't believe him. He held his breath until she gently reached out to squeeze his shoulder before standing up and leaving him all alone. Then he sighed in relief and wiped away any remaining tears with a rough hand. He had things to do.

James glanced around the room and winced. The job seemed so daunting all of the sudden. But he had to start somewhere soon. So he stood up and crossed the room to Logan's closet, stiffening when he heard the door open again. He whirled around, ready to tell whoever it was to leave him alone but the words died on his lips.

Katie walked slowly into the room, her normally upbeat personality missing along with the spring in her step. "Hi, James." she said quietly, looking lost. "I finished packing my stuff. Can I. . . can I help you in here?"

James softened and nodded. He dropped an arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her to where he stood in front of the closet. "I thought we could start here," he told her.

She smiled at the word "we" and nodded. They worked together then, in silence, pulling things out and placing them in the appropriate boxes. It wasn't hard work. Logan had always been so organized. But some of the more personal things made Katie and James stop and think.

Out of the corner of his eye, James saw Katie pull an item from the back of the closet. "Wait!" he exclaimed loud enough to make her jump. He shot her an apologetic look before taking what she held in his own hands and looking at it carefully. "I think I'll hang onto this for now if you don't mind." he whispered. Katie nodded and he smiled gratefully as he set aside the object and then going back to work.

* * *

In the short time that Kendall had been in his room packing, he had seen everyone, except for Carlos, go into Logan's room. James has gone to pack everything since he had been ready to leave since they knew they were moving back home. Kendall then saw his mother go in there and had heard two voices, muffled slightly. He heard James crying and wanted to go to his friend and try to comfort him. But he felt frozen, doubting himself and everyone around him. His mother had left soon anyway so obviously James had wanted to be left alone. Then Katie had gone in and so far had been helping James pack.

Kendall was so confused and lost. He had always been in tune to his friends and their feelings. He had always known when they were angry or hurting and he had always known just what to say or do to make it better. But now, he didn't have a clue. He didn't know how to ask his mother any questions. He didn't know how to be the big brother Katie had always looked up to. He didn't know how to deal with James' uncharacteristic display of strength. He didn't know how to deal with Carlos' new behavior that made a robot look alive. Logan's disaster had changed everything he had once known.

Packing was painful to do. Everything reminded him of Logan and the absence of the younger brother he had failed to protect. When they were fourteen and Logan left an orphan after his father's death, Kendall had sworn to himself to look after all of them. He had always done so, but this was different. This was real. He had become aware of just how much danger waited for them.

Kendall knew that he couldn't protect everyone from everything. But he should have seen this coming. He had seen it coming but he let his faith in Logan blind him from seeing the truth. He had messed up in every sense of the word, believing Logan and getting angry at James when he didn't believe Logan. The one time he had decided to let Logan go a little and it had been exactly the wrong time. He was a failure. He had protected Logan from everyone and everything except Logan himself.

Yet, he also knew that it wasn't all his fault. Everyone was to blame. But Logan. It had been Logan who had started to take the Ritalin and Logan who had lied repeatedly to them. It had been Logan who had refused their help and instead, turned to more drugs to solve his growing problem. It had been Logan who had tried to kill himself.

That was what had Kendall shaken the most. Logan had attempted suicide and had very nearly been successful. He hadn't wanted to face his mistakes and move on with everyone's help. He had just wanted to leave them. That was the part that Kendall could not justify no matter how silly the excuse that he came up with in his mind. There was no way to justify suicide. No way to make it okay. It was selfish and always left scars. Logan had willingly tried to leave them with such scars.

As protective as Kendall was over his loved ones, he had also found it hard to trust people ever since his parents divorced each other when he was just eleven. It didn't matter that his dad, despite moving to New York, had kept in contact faithfully with all of them and had been as loving and as supportive as any father could possibly be. The divorce had left Kendall with a permanent fear of abandonment that no one knew about. He had seen it happen with Logan too with Ryan Mitchell. That was one of the reasons Kendall had always been so driven to keep everyone together. He didn't want to be left alone.

But now, he felt abandoned by Logan. Someone he had always counted on to be there for him. It was a bewildering experience. Here today, gone tomorrow. Except Logan wasn't gone. Not really. He was still there, alive and getting better every day. He was just living a completely different life than Kendall now. It was like Kendall was watching Logan on the other side of a glass wall, like his friend had suddenly shoved him out of his life. That was what bothered Kendall the most, when he really thought about it. The thought that Logan might not want to be a part of his life anymore.

Where had he gone wrong? Was it something he said or did? Something he hadn't said or did? When had Logan stopped trusting him with everything? Maybe if Kendall had been a better friend, stronger, maybe then this would have never happened. As much as Kendall blamed Logan, it always came back to him and whatever mistakes he had made to cause Logan to get so far out of reach. Kendall just wasn't sure how to handle anything.

There was a knock at the door and he looked up to see Carlos standing in the hallway. "Hey," he said tiredly. "What's up?"

"I finished packing," Carlos said in a dull, lifeless tone as he trailed slowly into the room. "Need any help?"

Kendall surveyed the rest of his belongings and shook his head. "I'm good, thanks. But if you want to hang out and keep me company, that would be great."

It seemed to make Carlos feel a little bit better and he sat down on the edge of Kendall's bed as he watched his friend pack up. "Kendall," he whispered, seeming to be afraid to talk any louder, "What's going to happen to us?"

Kendall risked a glance at Carlos It was more painful of an experience than he thought it would be. Carlos looked lost and abandoned and everything Kendall felt but a hundred times worse. He ached to be able to make his friend feel better but there was nothing he could say. Not when he was so mixed-up himself. "I don't know," was the best he could manage.

At first Carlos was quiet as he thought over Kendall's answer. Then he glanced at a framed photo that displayed them as nine year old boys, fresh off the hockey rink from a great game. His eyes were locked on Logan even as he spoke once again to Kendall. "Why did he do it? Why did he lie to us so much?"

For the first time, Kendall thought of what Carlos might be going through. After all, it had been he who believed Logan time after time no matter what the others said. The betrayal for him was worse than Kendall had originally thought. And once again, he didn't have a clue of what he should say. "I don't know," he repeated, sounding just as helpless as before.

"Kendall?" Carlos looked up at his older friend, dark eyes swimming in tears. "I don't think I can go see him in two weeks. I'm angry at him. For everything he did. He had no right, Kendall! What did we do to deserve him stealing drugs and lying to us and then trying to kill himself?" Carlos' voice shook wildly but he forced himself to keep going. "We're supposed to be best friends! Best friends don't do that to each other. They trust each other and they don't lie to your face and- Why? Doesn't he care about us anymore?" Carlos broke off and snapped his mouth shut, lapsing into yet another silence that had no obvious end.

Kendall said the only thing he could think of. "I don't know."

* * *

"Here's the room you'll be staying while you're here." The nurse pushed open a door a stepped aside to let Logan through.

Logan entered cautiously. It looked like a hotel room with two beds, a couch, a small card table and chairs and a bathroom. "Two beds?" he asked because he couldn't think of anything else to say.

The nurse, her name was Rachel, nodded and smiled. "Daniel Wood is a little older than you. He's your roommate. Right now, everyone's down in the cafeteria for dinner, but you'll meet him soon enough. For now, why don't you make yourself at home?"

Home. Logan found her suggestion to be absurd. How in the world was he supposed to call this place his home for the next. . . however long he needed to stay? But he nodded and even managed a tiny smile. "Thank you."

Rachel left and Logan was by himself. For the time being anyway. His suitcases were already on the unoccupied bed by the window so he crossed the room to begin his unpacking. It was clear to him what his roommate had already claimed as his and Logan was careful to keep to the space he had been given.

He finished unpacking and with nothing left to do, burnt out of the adrenaline of earlier nerves, Logan collapsed on his bed and started to cry. He forgot about everything except how much he wanted to see his friends and family and apologize for everything all over again. He had never felt so alone in his entire life. He cried for everything and everyone. He mourned the loss of his parents and all the mistakes he had made. He cried for the broken trust between him and his friends and the pain he had caused them. He cried because he was positive they would never forgive him. He cried because it was what he deserved.

Logan didn't know how long he cried but all of the sudden, he got the feeling that he wasn't alone. His sobs quieted and he rolled over to see an older teenager, college aged maybe, staring at a book that he obviously wasn't reading. Mortified, Logan realized that his roommate must have returned to their room and he sat up, wiping frantically at his eyes.

"Here," the newcomer picked up the box of tissues from where they sat on the nightstand between the beds. "Use these."

Logan's fingers fumbled at first, nearly dropping the box. "T-thanks," he mumbled, still feeling embarrassed by the first impression he must have made.

"Are you Logan Mitchell?" the guy asked once Logan got better control of himself. Logan sniffed and nodded, forcing himself to look at the speaker. "Are you Daniel Wood?" he asked, his voice trembling a little bit.

"Call me Danny," Logan's roommate leaned across the empty space between the beds to shake Logan's hand. "Everyone does." Danny's grip was firm and his smile was friendly.

"Hi," Logan said, feeling shy. "So, um, how long. . ."

"How long have I been here?" Danny finished Logan's question for him. "Going on two months next week. It's an all right place. A little too much control if you ask me but that's probably for the best, right?"

Logan nodded. "Probably," he whispered. He had so many questions he wanted to ask but he didn't feel like he was in the right place to ask them. After all, he had just met Danny.

Danny though, seemed to sense Logan's hesitation. "Hey listen. I know you're probably freaked out by a lot of stuff, right?" he watched as Logan nodded. "Well, even though we just met, we're stick with each other. You seem like a nice guy and I've been told I'm not too bad myself." Danny grinned broadly when he got the smallest of smiles out of Logan. "We probably have plenty of time to get to know each other. If you want to know anything, just ask me, okay?"

Logan felt himself relax for the first time in over two weeks. He didn't deserve someone like Danny as his roommate. But it helped to know that he had a friend even at the lowest point in his life. "Thank you." he said gratefully.

Danny simply nodded, looking satisfied. "So," he began. "Any questions? I can give you the grand tour while we get to know each other. Sound good?"

He was a little tired. But walking around wouldn't hurt anything and it was better than going to bed where nightmares were sure to await him. It would be a good distraction. And besides, it would be good to get to know Danny and his new home. Because he didn't have a clue how long he would need to stay.

**A/N. Oh no, an OC! -dead- I kinda hate them. A lot. But Danny came to me just as I was writing this chapter and he's. . . necessary. You'll see. I'm going to go to my Weeping Corner now and work on C26.**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N. I went to a wedding today. It was absolutely beautiful and now I am feeling depressed. Weddings do that to me. Anyway. I need to write a new outline for this story. It's Danny's fault. But that's okay. I'm thinking 35-40 chapters. We'll find out! I don't own anything.**

"That's the backyard," Danny said as he pointed out the window. "It's awesome out there when it's not pouring." He stared out at the rain that was falling in heavy sheets from a gray sky. "But I guess we're stuck in here. At least for today. The fresh air does us all good."

Logan nodded in agreement, already feeling trapped. "It's a nice place," he said vaguely, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.

Danny laughed and shook his head. "If you really felt that way, I would be even more worried about you than I am already. Be honest. It sucks, doesn't it?"

But Logan was distracted by what Danny had said before his question. "You're worried about me?" he asked, feeling his face turn bright red.

Oblivious to Logan's embarrassment, Danny nodded. "Most of us here really care about each other," he told Logan. "Whether we know everyone well or not. That's because we know what we're going through and let's face it, no one deserves this kind of life. It destroys us and our friends and family."

That made Logan flinch. "You're right," he said softly. "It's a mess, isn't it?"

"A bit of an understatement, but yeah." Danny sighed and turned away from the window, gesturing Logan to follow him. "I already told you that I've been here for almost two months, but what I didn't tell you that it's my fifth time here."

Logan stopped in his tracks and stared. "What?" he gasped. "Your _fifth_ time?"

Danny nodded, looking somber. "I got into drugs when I was thirteen," he said regretfully. "Just your typical case of a middle schooler trying to be cool." He saw Logan looking a little surprised and was quick to set him straight. "Oh, it's way more typical than you would ever think. I bet half the kids you go to school with have at least tried drugs."

"I remember for D.A.R.E., my best friend's-" Logan cut himself off and tried again. "I mean, well, I don't know if he wants to be my friend anymore after what happened." He looked away from the sympathetic look Danny was giving him and tried again. "Anyway, his dad is a police officer and he came to talk to us about drugs and drinking and smoking." He shook his head. "I just remember thinking how stupid people would have to be to try any of that. Now look at me."

"I would tell you not to feel too bad since you're not the only one but. . ." Danny shrugged. "We're all really stupid here. Especially the ones like me. The ones that get out of here and then fall back into the same old trap time and time again."

"But you seem so strong right now," Logan protested. "How can you keep going back like that?

"Logan," Danny sighed. "I don't want to discourage you, but once you get out of here and go home, that doesn't mean this whole thing is over. It will never be over. Once you're in this fight, you're in it for life. How long was it before you got caught?"

They had started walking again and finally returned to their room. Tired, Logan sat down on his bed and thought. "Months," he said regretfully. "I started sometime in June and now it's November."

"You're fortunate," Danny said softly. "That you got caught that soon. I was in my sophomore year of high school before my girlfriend finally found the heroin I had in my room."

"Heroin?" Logan repeated, feeling sick already.

"Yeah." Danny looked weary as he nodded. "I had only been hooked on that particular drug for a month or so, but I had used just about everything else up until then. They say that there's no such thing as your last shot of heroin. I'd love to prove them wrong but," he ran a hand through his hair. "It's harder than I ever would have thought." He looked up at Logan. "What did you get into?"

Logan flinched, but Danny had already been so open and honest that there was no way he could keep any of his secrets. "It started out with prescribed sleeping pills," he said, watching closely for the older boy's reaction. "Then because I could never seem to wake up in the mornings, I started taking my friend- I mean, you know-" Danny nodded. "I started using his Ritalin to wake myself up. Then it became something I needed just because. Not to wake up or go to sleep. Just because. I started using antidepressants and ketamine and "roofies" and then "ecstasy". Then my. . . um, friends, caught me and I overdosed."

Danny couldn't hide his reaction. "Wow," he said softly. "So that's how you got caught. I've thought about it before. It would have put an end to my problems a long time ago. But it also would have created problems for everyone I was leaving behind so I never did."

"I always told myself the same thing," Logan told him quietly. "I wasn't thinking straight when it happened. I basically did it right in front of them and they. . . they had to watch me practically die. The three people who gave me reasons to live and I tried to end it all anyway." Logan shook his head and wiped away the tears that had come to his eyes. "I don't see how they could ever forgive me."

"That's what I've always thought about my best friend Jason and my girlfriend Carrie. I don't have the greatest relationship with any of my family members, Logan. That's part of the reason I started using and kept going. It was an escape, or so I thought. But then I saw how much it hurt them once they found out. And even though I had given them every single reason in the world to hate me, they took me right back. They always have." Danny looked down at his arms where Logan could just see the faded needle scars of whatever drugs Danny had been abusing at that time. "What are your friends like, Logan?"

"My friends," Logan said softly. "Are everything to me. There's Kendall and James and Carlos. We met when we were five and have been best friends ever since. They were with me through everything, when my mom died when I was six, and when my dad died when I was fourteen. Kendall's mom adopted me when that happened. It was the best day of my life because after my mom died, my dad got really distant and. . . our relationship just didn't really exist."

"Anyway, Kendall is the oldest. He's pretty much the big brother that every kid wants. He's always been the strongest person I've ever known. His parents divorced when he was eleven and even though he still has a great relationship with his own dad, he pretty much became the man of the house. As for us, he's always known just how to protect us. At times, he was more than my best friend or even my brother. He was the father figure that I was missing in my life. You know how kids are supposed to look at their moms and dads and want to be like them when they grow up? It was like that for Kendall more than it was for my actual dad."

"James is our dreamer. He always has his head in the clouds, looking forward rather than backwards or even in the present." Logan couldn't help but smile. "He's really really talented. He has an amazing voice and he's a great dancer. We were Big Time Rush before this all happened. Before I ruined everything. A lot of people may look at him and say that he's self-absorbed and stuff like that. And I guess it's true to some extent. But when it really matters, you couldn't find a more loyal friend. He's too loyal. Even now. . . after I destroyed everything."

"Then there's Carlos," Logan felt his heart begin to ache. "He's the youngest, just after me. He was always the happiest person ever. He could always make anyone feel at least a little bit better no matter how bad they were feeling about something. It was like he made it his life's goal to make everyone as happy as possible because he thought that everyone deserved happiness."

"They sound like great friends," Danny told him when he had finished.

Logan nodded, tears blurring his vision of Danny. "But I don't know if they are my friends anymore. I mean, I guess James, But I don't even deserve them as friends. By the time I left this morning, Kendall had started to act like he was scared of me. Really hurt. I haven't seen him that hurt since. . . since his dad left. And Carlos-" Logan's voice broke. "He wouldn't even look at me."

Danny was quiet for a long time after Logan had finished speaking. Then he laid his hand on the smaller boy's shoulder and spoke very quietly. "Logan, you screwed up a lot. But so have all of us here. And there's not a single person here that doesn't have someone to come visit them. Everyone here has someone who cares for and loves them and just wants them to be healthy and safe. I've never met your friends but I can already tell that they're not going to give up on you."

"But I gave up on them!" Logan exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I tried to kill myself. After all the support and love they gave me over the years, that was like a slap to their faces. I was saying that I didn't want to be a part of their lives anymore. I was picking the drugs over them."

"Same with everyone else here," Danny said calmly. "I mean, not everyone has attempted suicide but they were still picking their drugs over their friends and family."

"I don't deserve them," Logan whispered, feeling somehow soothed by Danny's quieter voice.

"None of us do," Danny said in a distant voice like he was deep in thought. "We threw everything away for something that would only make our lives worse. We're pretty much worthless, Logan. But let me ask you a question. If what happened to you had actually happened to Kendall or James or Carlos, what would you do?"

Logan was quiet as he studied Danny, wondering how in the world he had managed to be assigned to someone like him. His life was beyond tragic, years of drug abuse starting at such a young age with no real end in sight. He should be in college right now. Just like Logan should be preparing for college and then med school. But the trap they had fallen into had put their lives on hold.

"Logan?"

Jumping slightly, Logan refocused back on Danny. "If one of my friends was in my position, it would be the most painful experience of my life," he said softly. "I would feel hurt and lost and angry and confused. But I would never stop being his best friend. I would always be there for him no matter what happened."

Danny smiled and nodded. "There you go. I know it may not seem like a lot, but there's some hope for you to hang onto, Logan. Sometimes, hope is the only thing we have left."

For the second time that night, Logan had started to cry. But this time was different. He wasn't crying for what he had lost. He was crying for what Danny had given him. The hope. It truly was all that he had left to hold onto.

* * *

**One week later.**

One more week. Logan picked at his food with little interest. He was distracted as he almost always was by the date on the calendar. He had been at the rehab center for a full week now. In just one more week, he could have visitors. Seven days. One hundred sixty-eight hours. Give or take a few.

"Dude,"

He looked up at the sound of Danny's voice and tried to smile. "Hi,"

"Don't hi me," Danny rolled his eyes. "You need to eat, okay?" He showed Logan his own clean tray of food. "Keep up your strength so you can get better and get out of here."

Logan glanced down at his own tray of food. "I guess I'm just not that hungry," he said, picking at the hash browns they had been given for breakfast. It made an interesting image when he mixed it with his sausage. "I feel a little sick actually. In a week-"

"In a week, your friends might come to visit you and find nothing but a human skeleton." Danny shook his head. "Eat. Take it easy if you feel sick but remember, you want to get healthy again. Skipping meals isn't the way to do that."

As usual, his roommate was right. Logan took a small bite of the sausage and tried not to think of how Danny's satisfied smirk reminded him of Kendall. So much of Danny reminded him of Kendall that it hurt Logan to even look at him sometimes. Danny's hair was shorter and a lighter blonde and his eyes were blue. He was also a little shorter and thinner because of the years of drugs he had put his body through. But appearances didn't matter.

It was the way he made sure that Logan was never alone when they had free time. It was the way he made sure Logan knew absolutely everything there was to know about the rehab center and everyone there. It was the way he protected Logan from the handful of bullies there. It was the way he looked after Logan like a younger brother.

"You okay?"

And the way he was always concerned about Logan's well-being. Logan swallowed hard and nodded. He took another small bite of food and then glanced over at his new friend. "You remind me a lot of Kendall," he admitted quietly.

Danny grinned. "Well, I'm going to consider that a compliment. He sounds like a really cool guy. Of course, he's probably smarter than me but that's okay."

"He's smarter than me too," Logan sighed.

"All of us here," Danny reminded him. He was constantly reminding Logan of the other patients there. "You're not alone, Logan. It might not help because like I said before, this is no kind of life for anyone. But it does help because there are people who know what you're going through."

Logan nodded. "I know. It's just. . . still so hard. Do you think anyone will come to see me?"

"After two weeks? Man, the first time I came here, Carrie and Jason were practically breaking the front door down right before visiting hours started." Danny laughed a little and then turned serious. "I'm sure they'll come, Logan. It helps to have that forced break away from each other. Without you, they probably did a lot of thinking and by the time next week comes, they'll be ready and waiting."

"I wish I could be as sure as you are," Logan poked at his food and after Danny gave him a look, took yet another bite. He no longer felt sick and the food was good.

"We'll find out," Danny told him. "But I bet that you'll have someone to see you when the time comes. If not," he watched carefully as Logan flinched at the thought. "If not, then you're always welcome to hang out with me and Carrie and Jason. They'll be here that whole weekend."

Logan had met Danny's best friend and girlfriend twice before. They lived farther away and couldn't come to visit every single day. But when they did, Danny made sure that his younger roommate was included. And despite the fact that he hardly knew them, Logan never felt out of place around them. They had a natural, easy way about them that made him feel almost comfortable. They provided a welcome change to the heavy atmosphere.

"Good!" Danny said approvingly, nodding at Logan's now empty plate. "Now let's go hang out in the game room downstairs. You don't have anything to do until after lunch, right?"

Another Kendall-like trait. After only a week, Danny had memorized Logan's daily schedule and was constantly making sure he didn't miss a therapy session or physical exam. Logan smiled. "Right,"

"Feeling good?" Danny asked.

Logan nodded, trying to hold his smile when his heart was aching for Kendall. And James. And Carlos. And his mother and Katie. He set aside his tray and stood up, turning to leave the room when he felt a stronger arm wrap around his shoulders. Tears stung his eyes when he felt Danny's support. "I don't understand why I got you as my roommate. I deserve a jerk."

"No you don't," Danny shook his head. "I think you're paying enough for your mistakes. You want to get better, right? Okay, well, that means you deserve a little break. As for me, I'm just giving back whatever undeserved love I've been given all these years. That's something else you have to remember to do, Logan. Give it all back to someone else who needs it. You'll know when the time comes."

* * *

**Three days later.**

Logan was shaking. His palms were sweating and his breathing was heavy. It had come out of nowhere, just like the doctors warned him that it might. The withdrawal. One minute he had been attempting to shoot the pool balls like Danny had showed him and the very next minute, he was desperate for something, anything that would give him relief.

"Logan, look at me!"

He heard Danny's voice like it came from far away and shook his head, trying to hear better. "Help me," he whispered hoarsely, feeling tears as they streamed down his face. "Please. I need help."

"You're fine, Logan. I'm right here. You're going to be okay. Just take some deep breaths for me, okay? Jack, go get help."

More noises. Other voices and the sound of someone's footsteps as they ran to get help. But Logan knew it wasn't the help he was talking about and he shook his head frantically, trying to communicate to Danny. "No, not that kind of help," he said tearfully. "They can't help me! They won't give me what I need!"

"You don't need it anymore," Danny's voice was firm. "You're stronger now, Logan. Look, you've gone a week and a half without that kind of help. It's not really help, Logan. It only makes things worse in the end. You _know_ that."

"N-no," Logan sobbed, his desperation mounting with each passing second and each refusal. "It's help. It always does."

"For a little while, yeah. But it's only temporary. It leaves you even emptier in the end, remember?"

Logan couldn't remember. All he could think of what the relief he always felt. He didn't remember anything that happened after that. It didn't matter. He wanted that relief. He needed that relief.

"How's he doing?"

It must have been one of the many nurses that distracted Danny long enough for Logan to jump up and start running wildly toward the door. He flung it open and tore down the halls, not having a clue of where he was going. He just hoped to find help. He heard voices behind him but he kept going, ignoring the thundering of his heart and the way his breath was already coming in sharp, short gasps even though he hadn't gone far at all.

He yanked open the first door he came to. It was a stairwell, going both up and down. Logan could hear a faint voice telling him to go up and so he obeyed the voice in his head, taking the steps three at a time. His legs were shaking so badly that it was a wonder he was still so far ahead of everyone. Logan pushed on, climbing several flights of steps until the voice was just ahead.

"Through this door. You'll get your help through this door."

Logan pulled the door open with such a force that he almost lost his balance and fell backwards down the stairs. He steadied himself and then followed the voice, through the door and out onto the open roof. "Where?" he asked, breathing heavily

"Just over here."

As if in a trance, Logan stumbled off in the direction of a voice that seemed to belong to no one. He had yet to see anyone. But that didn't matter. As long as whoever it was, gave him his help. He reached the railing and looked down a dizzying ten stories to the hard ground below.

"Jump, Logan."

Unsteadily, Logan gripped the railing and swung one leg over it and then the other so that he was facing the roof, his back to the empty space. His balance was kept by his white knuckled grip on the railing and the three inches of concrete that his feet rested on.

"Let go,"

Logan nodded and closed his eyes. He leaned backwards, feeling his feet start to slide off the edge. Then he started to loosen his grip.

"Let go, Logan."

He let go only to feel a strong pair of hands wrap around his wrists. Logan's eyes shot open to see a small crowd of horrified onlookers. The grip on his wrists tightened and then gave a firm yank. In one smooth motion, he was back over the railing, tumbling to the ground. A strong pair of arms kept him from escaping again."No!" he cried out, thrashing out. "Let me go!"

"Logan, you almost jumped off the roof!"

The voice was familiar. It sounded furious but at the same time it sounded concerned and it got Logan's attention a little bit. "You don't understand!" he said, shaking his head as tears continued to blind him. "That's what the voice told me to do! It said I would get help!"

"Logan, please listen to me. Logie?"

Logan stopped his struggling instantly and stared. At first he couldn't breathe and then he saw Danny watching him, his face tortured by what he had almost witnessed. "What did you call me?" he asked, his voice faint.

"Logie?" Danny repeated uncertainly. "Can you. . . hear me now?"

"What. . . what happened?" Logan stammered, looking around. "Why are we on the roof?"

There was a collective sigh of relief from everyone around and Danny relaxed. "You were going through withdrawal and then you must have had a hallucination," he explained as if it were the most natural thing in the world. His voice shook though and it was obvious that the near disaster wasn't a daily occurrence. "You tried to jump off of the roof."

Logan stared at him in horror. "I did?"

Danny merely nodded and then impulsively hugged Logan closer to him. "We almost lost you," he whispered.

Logan started to shake once again with sobs and clung to Danny with whatever strength he had in him. "You s-saved my life," he said shakily. The shock of what had nearly happened had shaken him deeply. He had almost died yet again.

"You're okay now," Danny said gently as the younger boy began to cry, coming down from his hallucinatory state. "I've got you. We're going to go down to our room now, okay? You need to lay down. Can you stand?"

Logan nodded and stood slowly, Danny supporting him the entire time. They moved slowly through the silent crowd, Danny assuring the concerned doctors and nurses that they could wait until they got back inside to look at Logan. Logan's legs gave out halfway down the first flight of stairs and Danny wound up carrying him the rest of the way.

"You called me Logie," he whispered once they arrived back in their room, followed by two doctors. "My best friends used to call me Logie."

"It seemed to work," Danny said with a tense smile. He frowned at the tears in Logan's eyes. "I can call you something else if you want."

Logan shook his head quickly. "No. I like it." It reminded him of home and his best friends and when everything had been right.

"Okay then, Logie." Danny stepped aside and sat down on his own bed as he watched the doctors move quickly to Logan's side. "Let them help you now. Just think. The day after tomorrow, you'll get to see your best friends again. That's good, right?"

It was the best. And it was impossible not to believe Danny. Logan nodded and smiled despite his most recent close call. "Thank you," he said, meaning everything.

**A/N. I LIKE DANNY. -shot- Um, okay, that's all for now! Next chapter focuses on James and Kendall and Carlos!** **I'm gonna go write some angst.**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N. Post wedding angst ahead. Not in this chapter or even the next chapter. I don't know when exactly. Just. . . eventually. I thought it might be fair to give you a warning. So watch out, guys. I don't own anything.**

The first thing Logan thought of when he woke up was the fact that he didn't have to be alone or be Danny's constant shadow today. He was finally allowed to have visitors. But that thought was followed right away by another one and it was far less pleasant. What if no one wanted to visit him? He frowned and shut his eyes even tighter hoping the he could maybe go back to sleep. He involuntarily tightened his arms that were close to his chest and was surprised to find that something small and soft had been laid there.

It was with the greatest reluctance and the greatest curiosity that Logan opened his eyes. At first he simply stared in confusion. Then he brought the stuffed animal closer to his face. It really was Moosey, one of the few childhood keepsakes he still brought with him wherever he went. Moosey reminded him of that brief time in his life where everything had been perfect. Tears filled Logan's eyes and he buried his face in the tattered fur. What if this was all he had left?

Logan sniffed, trying in vain to keep from crying. He jumped when he heard a sound to his left and he quickly turned over to see what it was. If he had been surprised by Moosey's presence, Logan didn't know what to make of who was curled up in the arm chair that had been dragged as close as possible to his bed.

James looked extremely uncomfortable with his long body tucked into the chair but for some reason he was fast asleep. Logan stared at his friend, horrified by what he saw. James' hair was unwashed and uncombed. His face was pale and dark circles looked like bruises underneath his eyes. He looked a little thinner than he had been since Logan last remembered seeing him and his clothes were carelessly rumpled. He looked so different from the James that Logan had once known.

But he was here. With Logan. Logan sat up slowly to see better, part of him afraid to have James disappear right before him. Instead of that nightmarish fear coming true though, the complete opposite happened. James woke up, his soft, tired, hazel eyes finding Logan instantly. A smile spread over his face and he almost looked like the old James. "Logie,"

Before Logan could think of a proper reply, James had moved from the chair to the bed and had wrapped both arms around him, holding him tightly. "James?" he whispered, not sure what to think.

"I missed you," James told him, his voice slightly muffled from having his faced pressed to Logan's shoulder. "I missed you so much, Logan."

Logan lost the battle with his tears and after hesitating for a split second he returned James' embrace, his fingers clinging to his friend's t-shirt when he wasn't rejected. Sobs shook his frail, worn-out body and Logan could only concentrate on breathing and James until he could calm himself down.

"Don't cry, Logan." James murmured, his voice choked by his own tears. "It's okay. I'm right here."

"You're h-here," Logan repeated shakily. "James, don't leave me. P-please."

"Shhh," James tried to soothe Logan as he began to panic at the mere thought of being left alone again. "Logan, calm down, buddy. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I promise. I'll stay with you as long as I can today and I'll come back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and every day until I can bring you back home with me." He sighed in relied when Logan's breathing began to even out and become steadier. "That's it. Just breathe for now."

Logan obeyed him because he believed his promise and both of them had yet to move out of their embrace. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then let it out in a sigh. "I think I'm okay now." he said quietly.

James still didn't move right away. "Are you sure?" When Logan nodded, he pulled slowly away so that he could see Logan's face. "Here."

Logan accepted the box of tissues and blew his nose and wiped the tears away while James sat patiently, one hand resting on his back. "T-thanks," he said, still unsteady.

James' face was concerned and he moved from the bed and pushed Logan gently back against the pillows. "Just rest," he instructed gently, taking Logan's hand and holding it as he moved back to his chair. "I'm not leaving." he reminded his friend in a soft voice when Logan tensed.

Now that his initial shock had worn off, Logan was confused. "James," he ventured. "Why are you here?"

It was as if Logan's confusion was contagious. "Why wouldn't I be here?" James asked. "We're finally allowed to see you. Man, those were the worst two weeks of my life. The four of us have never been apart for that long."

Four. Logan couldn't stop himself from looking around the room. He felt James' sympathetic gaze on him and pretended to be absorbed in Moosey. "Did you-"

"Yeah," James nodded and smiled. "I thought he might. . . I thought he could be me when I'm not here. He can keep you company."

"How did you know I even had him?" Logan asked. He had kept Moosey in his closet for so long because he didn't want anyone to know how much comfort he actually took in the stuffed animal.

At that James chuckled and the sound made Logan smile. "Logie," James says fondly. "I know you too well. All I had to do was move a few things around. Don't worry I put everything back." The laughter died from James' eyes and he glanced down. "I hope you don't mind but. . . I've sort of been keeping him in my room lately. Because I've been missing you and. . . and it was nowhere near as good as this I'd but-" James broke off and shrugged.

"Thanks, James." Logan said quietly. "This means a lot. Everything. All of it. I don't know what to say."

"What are friends for?" He had meant to make Logan smile but James was alarmed to see tears fill the dull brown eyes. "Logan, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Why are you here?" Logan blurted out. "Why are you still my friend after all the stupid mistakes I made? Kendall and Carlos aren't here and I don't blame them."

A shadow fell over James' eyes, darkening the spark that had remained no matter what Logan had said up until that point. "They will," He said quietly, sounding unconvinced. "They're just. . . they're just not ready I guess. They will be though. They just need time. See, Logie. . ." James sighed, wondering how much he should tell his friend. "They're really confused right now. Kendall. . . he's so lost because he's always been able to protect us and this time he couldn't protect you from. . . from yourself. Carlos, is just really hurt and scared I think. But they still love you just as much as we always have. They'll come around."

"I still don't understand though." Logan said helplessly. "Why are you here? Why aren't you lost or anything?"

James laughed but this time the sound had no humor in it. "I've never been so lost in all my life, Logan. But I'm here because you need me right now and well, I need you. I'm here because I'm not going to let you go. I can't lose you. Not now and not like this. I won't-" James paused and bit his lip, tears filling his eyes.

"James?" Logan asked, worried for his friend. "Are you okay?"

"Logie," James appeared to change the subject. "Remember my dad's brother? My Uncle Jerry?"

Logan nodded. "He was your favorite uncle," he told James. "But I thought that he-"

"Died when we were ten." James finished for him. "Yeah."

James was quiet for just long enough for the horrible realization to hit Logan. His eyes widened. "James, no." he pleaded to be wrong.

"Drug overdose." James said bluntly. "He had been in a bad car accident the year before and got hooked on painkillers. Because he wasn't married or anything, it was pretty easy for him to hide. But one day," James cleared his throat, forcing himself to go on. It wouldn't be easy for him to admit and it wouldn't be easy for Logan to hear but James was convinced that it was all for the best. "My dad and I went to go see him and we couldn't find him anywhere. Then I. . . I went down in the basement and I. . . I found him."

"You found him?" Logan repeated, feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of his beat friend coming across such a sight when he was so young. "I never knew, James. We were always told he died in his sleep but. . ." he shook his head, unable to speak.

"I never told you guys the truth because I was afraid you wouldn't like me anymore for having a messed up uncle." James admitted. "But Logie, I'm not going to let that happen to you. You're going to be okay. You're strong and you will get through this." Tears burned his eyes and made his gaze look even more intense. "I believe in you. We all do."

"But how can you?" Logan shook his head. "I hurt you all so much and you especially, James. Kendall and Carlos have the right idea to stay away from me."

"No." James was stubborn. "Kendall needs his brother back, Carlos needs his tutor back, I need my insomnia buddy back and we all need our best friend back. We all need you back, Logan." He gave Logan's hand a firm squeeze and then leaned forward to hug him again. "We're going to get you back, Logan. We can fix this if we do it together. I know I can get Kendall and Carlos to cone eventually but I need you to want to beat this thing too."

"I do." Logan whispered brokenly. "More than anything."

James smiled, looking relieved. "Good. Then we can beat this. I know we can. Just wait. Kendall and Carlos will be here soon. Until then I'm not leaving until I have to. And like I said, I'll just keep coming back until we bring you home where you belong."

It was nearly impossible to doubt James' words but Logan knew he could never fully believe him until what he said came true. For now though, it was more than enough to have one of his best friends back. He wasn't alone. "Thanks for everything, James. I wish. . . I wish I could pay you back somehow." Logan wished so badly that he really could pay James back for the gift of forgiveness he had been given. But how did one pay a friend back for something he didn't deserve?

"You can," James told him. "Just never try to leave us again." Despite his best efforts to stay strong and brave in front of Logan, tears threatened to flow freely. "Logie?" he whispered, his voice breaking. "When can you come back to us? I don't like this. I hate it, Logan. I hate this place and I hate that you're here and I hate everything that's happened to us. I want you to be okay again. I know things can never be the way they were before but I don't care. I just want you home where you belong. With us."

Logan sat frozen for an instant, watching James finally lose his composure. Then he leaned forward and drew his best friend into a hug, glad to be the one giving the comfort this time. "I will," he said in a quiet voice that they could just hear above James' muffled sobs. "I'll get better and come home for you, James."

"Promise?"

There was not a trace of doubt in James' voice. He believed in Logan completely and Logan had no idea what to make of his friend's trust. "Yes," he finally said. "If you really believe in me, then I know things will be okay. As long as I'm not alone."

James pulled slowly out of the embrace to smile encouragingly at Logan. "You'll never be alone, Logan. That's my promise to you."

A knock at the door interrupted the boys and they turned to see the morning shift nurse walk in with a tray of food. "Hi, Logan." she said with a friendly smile. "I just came to check your vitals and give you your breakfast." She noticed James for the first time. "I see you have a visitor."

"I'm his best friend," James said before Logan could open his mouth. "My name is James."

"Well, James, I'm Kathy. It's very nice to meet you. Logan needs someone like you to take care of him."

James nodded solemnly, his eyes wide and staring as he watched Kathy check Logan over. "There's more of us," he whispered, not really sure if she could hear him. "Just me today though. I'll take good care of him though."

Kathy smiled as she listened to James and counted Logan's pulse. "I bet you will," she said softly. "And I promise you that we'll take good care of him when you can't be here. But right now, visitors like you are the best medicine for him right now."

James nodded. "How is he?" he asked, suddenly afraid. He had been watching the nurse closely, terrified that she might find something wrong but so far, her cheerful smile had yet to waver. "Is he okay?"

Kathy set the breakfast tray in front of Logan and gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder before turning to James. "He's doing just fine and as long as he has you, he'll keep getting better. Make sure he eats now, okay?"

"Thank you," Logan said, speaking for the first time.

"You're very welcome, honey. You boys take care of each other now. I'll be around if you need me."

They watched her go, Logan with tears in his eyes. "She reminds me of my mom." he told James. Seeing that his friend looked slightly confused, he added, "Mama Knight. I don't really remember my real mom all that well. I remember her taking good care of me and everything but I only had her for six years. I had Mama Knight since she died. You know?"

James nodded. "She'll be around with Katie tomorrow," he reassured Logan. "I asked if I could hang out with you today. That's okay, right?"

Feeling bad that he might have hurt James' feelings, Logan nodded quickly. "It's great," he said honestly. "I just miss everyone."

"Just you wait," James said confidently. "Now. Eat." He lifted the lid off the tray and set it aside then inspected the food warily. "Wow. French toast and fruit salad. Not bad. I thought for sure you'd get cafeteria type food."

Logan smiled a little at James' words. "Nope. They really do take good care of us here."

"I've noticed," James said, looking almost happy. "I met your roommate, Danny, when I came in. He left to give us some time together. I'm really glad you have him as your roommate, Logan. He seems like a great guy."

"More than you know," Logan told him softly, wondering if he should tell him how Danny had literally saved his life just the other day. He looked at James' weary face carefully and decided against bringing up such a serious conversation for the time being. Besides, if Kendall and Carlos did eventually come around, it might be easier if they were altogether. He didn't want to have James carry the burden all by himself. "He's helped me a lot. He takes good care of me. Like a brother."

James looked incredibly relieved and Logan wondered exactly what his friend had been thinking. "Good," he said, apparently willing to leave the conversation at that. "I'm glad. I'll have to get to know him a lot better and thank him. But right now, it's just you and me. So since this food here is all so good, eat all of it and then we can hang out." He bent down and lifted up a backpack that Logan hadn't noticed before. "I brought _Scrabble_ for us to play and _The Prestige_ for us to watch. Oh, and I also brought _The Lord of the Rings_ books for you to read when. . . you know, I'm not here."

Logan stared at the contents of the backpack. James had brought every one of his favorite things. "I thought you didn't like _The Prestige_," he said in confusion. "You said it was too much to understand or something like that."

James shrugged. "Yeah, but it's your favorite movie. Who knows, maybe I'll bring _Miracle_ next time. In the meantime, you can try and explain this one to me again. But," he looked up sternly. "You have to eat all of your breakfast first."

"What about you?"

James sighed and reached over Logan and started cutting up the French toast. "I ate before I left," he said, ignoring the look of disbelief his actions were receiving. "I had oatmeal. So do you want me to spoon feed you or what?" James stabbed a piece of toast with the fork and held it up for Logan. "Open wide for the choo-choo train, little Logie."

"James-" Logan began to protest but was interrupted when the toast was suddenly placed in his mouth and he was forced to chew and swallow it. "I can handle the rest," he murmured, blushing furiously.

"Cool," James handed him the fork and then picked up the well worn copy of _The Hobbit_. He had no plans to read it because it had never interested him but if he didn't have something to do, he knew he would wind up staring at Logan as he ate.

Logan ate slowly, taking his time so he wouldn't feel sick. He sensed James watching him for over the pages of _The Hobbit_ but said nothing. He used the silence to think over all that was happening.

James was back but he was so different. Gone was the enthusiastic and passionate teenager, obsessed with his looks, girls, and getting noticed. In his place was someone Logan had seen before but only rarely. The sensitive and protective side of James that only came out when something was really, dreadfully wrong. He was quiet and tender and his gentle demeanor reminded Logan so much of Kendall that he had to concentrate on holding the tears back.

"Finished?" James asked when Logan set aside the tray. Seeing the empty plate, he nodded in satisfaction and then pulled his laptop from the backpack. "We can watch the movie on here," he suggested. He moved to sit on the bed besides Logan and settled the laptop in between them before sliding the DVD in.

Logan rested against James' stronger frame, relaxing when his friend didn't try to move away or protest. He felt safer than he had in a long time and could almost temporarily forgot the reason they were there together. He wasn't alone anymore and that was what mattered for now. "Thanks, James."

James nodded, knowing that there was no way he was going to gain a better understanding of the movie today. He would be surprised if he paid any attention at all to it. All that mattered to him was Logan. "Thank you," he murmured in reply. "Thank you for coming back to us."

**A/N. YAY JAMES IS BACK! I know that I said that this chapter would focus more on Kendall, James, and Carlos, but I decided that it could wait. NEXT CHAPTER LOL. Anyway. Review?**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N. Ah, the calm before the storm. That's what I think of the last chapter. I don't own anything.**

"Hey, buddy?" James gently nudged Logan, waking him from a light sleep. He smiled a little when his friend's eyes opened, finding him instantly. "Logie," he said softly, regret already filling him. "I have to get going."

Immediately, Logan felt his eyes fill with tears and he leaned in closer to James. "Do you have to?" he asked in a whisper. He knew the answer but he couldn't help asking just the same. "I'll miss you."

"I'll be back the day after tomorrow," James promised. "Tomorrow your mom wants to come with Katie." He left it at that, hoping that Logan wouldn't ask him again about Kendall and Carlos. "You'll be okay."

Logan nodded and managed a small smile. "I know that now," he said quietly. "Thanks for coming, James. It means a lot. More than you know."

Seeing Logan smile again helped James relaxed and he stood up. "I missed you a lot, Logan. It was really great seeing you. Day after tomorrow, okay? I'll go let Danny he can have his room back before I go so you don't have to be alone for long."

"James?" Logan sat up, wanting James to stay as long as possible. "I want to tell you something before you go. I was going to wait until maybe Kendall and Carlos were here too but. . ."

James sat back down on the edge of the bed and put his hand on Logan's shoulder. "They will come," he said softly. "Just give them a little more time. I'll talk to them when I get home. Let them know how you're doing and everything."

"Okay," Logan said, still looking unconvinced. "But I still want to tell you something. It's about Danny."

At Logan's words, James stiffened and he looked quickly at his friend. "I thought he was treating you really well. He's not hurting you, is he?"

"No!" Logan shook his head violently. "Not at all! James. . . Danny saved my life."

It was supposed to make James feel better knowing that Danny hadn't been hurting Logan. But all he could hear was that Logan's life had needed saving again and he hadn't been there. "What do you mean?" he asked his voice beginning to shake a little.

Logan blurted out the entire story of his withdrawal and hallucination. How he had nearly jumped off the roof and how Danny had pulled him back to safety and called him "Logie" and everything else he could think of from that day. "I just thought you should know," he said quietly as James' eyes filled with tears. "That I wouldn't be here today without him."

James breathed a deep sigh of relief and leaned forward to wrap his arms around Logan. "I can't believe we almost lost you all over again," he whispered, his heart pounding in fear at the very thought. Reluctantly, he let go so he could look at Logan. "I'm so thankful you've had Danny to take care of you all this time."

"Me too," Logan said in quiet agreement. "He's been really good for me. Not just because of what happened but. . . but also because he's made me realize that I'm not the only one who's made such stupid mistakes. I mean, that doesn't make what I did any better but-" he broke off and gave a helpless shrug. "He made me realize that no matter what happens, I won't ever be alone. Even if it's what I deserve."

"No one deserves to be all alone," James told him gently. "And you won't ever have to worry about being alone."

"I know," Logan said, finally believing his own words.

James sighed again and hugged Logan close one last time. "Today was a great day, Logan. I'll see you soon, okay?"

Even though he knew that James would return, Logan still didn't want him to leave in the first place. But he took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. Bye, James. Thanks again."

"Get some rest," James told him firmly as he stood up and swung his backpack over his shoulders. "Tomorrow is going to be another big day." He smiled when Logan's eyes lit up at the thought of seeing his mother and Katie again. Reaching over, he carefully tousled Logan's hair and then stepped back, walking out of the room. "Bye, Logie."

It wasn't as easy as he made it seem. Leaving was incredibly hard for James. But he wasn't about to upset Logan anymore by letting him see him cry. So he held his tears back until he was halfway down the hallway. Then he let the impact of everything hit him with the force of a train. Logan had almost died. Again. He would have died if it hadn't been for Danny. After all they had been through, they would have lost him anyway. A tiny sob escaped and James reached up to brush tears away. He stumbled and ran straight into another person.

"Whoa, you okay, James?"

Hands were placed on his shoulders, steadying him. James glanced up to see Danny looking at him in concern. Before he could give a second thought to what he was doing, he threw his arms around Logan's roommate in a tight embrace.

"James, is Logan, okay?"

The question made it impossible for James to speak so he simply nodded and tried to calm himself down. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you for taking care of Logan when we couldn't."

* * *

The next morning was almost exactly the same. Logan woke up to find Danny already gone and his mother and Katie waiting for him to wake up. He stared at them in silence for a while, making sure that they were really right in front of him. James had been right. "Hi," he said uncertainly as he sat up.

Before he could say anything else, Katie flew into his arms, climbing onto his bed and sitting lightly on his lap. Her arms were wrapped loosely around his neck and her face buried into the crook of his neck as she cried.

Caught off guard by the blatant show of emotion from his younger sister, Logan was too shocked to move at first. Then it struck him that nothing had changed between the two of them. Not really. After all that had happened, she was still his younger sister and he was still her older brother. She still needed him to comfort her. The familiarity of their relationship made it easier to breathe and Logan hugged her back as tightly as he could. "Hey, Katie." he said quietly.

"I missed you," Katie's voice was barely above a whisper as if she was afraid that their reunion was only a dream. "It sucked not having you home with us."

Before he could answer, Logan felt another pair of arms wrap around both of them as their mother sat on the bed. "I missed you too," he managed to choke out as his eyes began to burn yet again with more tears. "I'm so sorry that I let all of this happen."

Mrs. Knight hugged both of her children closely, only feeling the absence of her third very slightly. Kendall would come someday soon. She was sure of it. For now, she was simply glad to be able to hold Logan in her arms again and see for herself that he was alive. "You don't have to apologize to us anymore, Logan." she told him gently. The only thing we want right now is for you to keep getting better so we can have you home where you belong."

"I will," Logan vowed. "I'll get better for all of you."

"I know you will," his mother cupped his face gently between her hands and looked deep into his eyes, aching to take away all the pain she saw there. She brushed away the tears that had fallen and then pressed a light kiss to his forehead before hugging him again. "We missed you, sweetheart."

Logan rested his head on her shoulder, careful to keep Katie close as well. "James said you would come. He told me yesterday."

Mrs. Knight smiled and nodded. "He was right, We were going to come yesterday but he asked to be able to see you alone. He wanted to talk to you about something." She looked at Logan curiously but wasn't about to ask any further.

Logan thought of James' uncle and quickly swallowed the lump in his throat. "Yeah," he whispered, looking down. "We did talk. It was. . . really great having him here yesterday. Just like it's great having you and Katie here today."

"Kendall and Carlos will come soon," Katie promised him swiftly.

Logan tried to smile and then changed the subject. "Did you meet Danny at all?"

Katie nodded, her eyes filling again. "James told us everything about him," she whispered, hiding her face in his shoulder once again. "He's a hero."

"Yes he is," Mrs. Knight agreed. We're so grateful for him. When you both are released, we'll have to have him over for the day. Get to know him even better."

Logan brightened at the thought of getting out of rehab and staying in contact with Danny. "That would be awesome," he said with a smile.

"It's so good to see you smile again," Mrs. Knight said softly, studying him carefully. "I know that these two weeks probably weren't easy for you but I think that they were good for you."

"They were," Logan said with a nod. "They were really good for me." Of course, he much preferred the past two days and even found himself looking forward to the day Kendall and Carlos visited him. If that even happened. But everyone, even Danny who had never met them, seemed convinced that it was only a matter of time. He could only wait and see.

"So what do you have to do here?" Katie asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

Logan didn't mind. Katie was treating him as normally as possible under the circumstances. "Well," he said slowly. "I pretty much do the same thing every day but on different schedules. Today is Monday so I don't have anything required until after lunch. Then I meet with my personal therapist. His name is Sam. After dinner, around 7:00, we have a group meeting. And throughout the day, doctors and nurses come by and check my vitals to make sure everything is okay and I'm not getting sick."

"Does everyone treat you well?" Mrs. Knight asked in concern.

Logan hesitated. "Not everyone. There are some guys that kind of treat everyone badly. But don't worry," he added quickly when both his mother and sister looked worried and angry. "I'm never alone so it's never really a problem. Danny and a lot of other people here. . . they take care of me. We take care of each other."

"I'm glad," Mrs. Knight told him. "But, Logan, if there's a ever a real problem, make sure you get someone who can handle it, okay? You're supposed to be taking it easy, remember?"

Logan nodded. "Don't worry," he assured her. "I know."

Katie glanced out the door and down the hall. "What's Danny going to do?' she asked. "He has other friends here, right? Or maybe his family is coming over today?"

"Danny doesn't really have a family," Logan told them quietly, feeling an ache in his heart for his new friend's sufferings. "He never really did. That was part of the reason he got caught up in drugs. But he has a best friend and a girlfriend. They come to see him at least three times a week even though they live further away. They're really nice. I hung out with them before yesterday."

"Where does he go when he's released?" Mrs. Knight asked, feeling concern for a young man she hardly knew, but one who had saved her son's life.

"He stays with Jason, his best friend." Logan told her quickly to put her mind at ease. "But," his voice dropped to a whisper. "If he can ever really get clean, then he wants to ask Carrie to marry him. He's only twenty and she's only nineteen, but they really love each other. She and Jason have been with him through everything, right from the very beginning."

"Good," Mrs. Knight sighed in relief. "I'm glad he has people who love and care for him. He's a very special young man and he deserves to be happy." She smiled and turned back to Logan, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. "Just like you, Logan."

* * *

**One week later**

Kendall jumped at the sound of knocking. "Come in!" he called, turning to see his bedroom door open and his mother walk in. "Hey, Mom." he said as calmly as possible. He read her expression and instantly knew what she was going to say.

"Kendall, can I talk to you for a minute?" Mrs. Knight didn't wait for him to respond but sat down on the edge of his bed and looked closely at him. "How are you doing, honey?"

At first, Kendall couldn't respond. It wasn't what he had been expecting to hear. He had thought for sure that she wanted to talk to him about Logan. When he realized that she was waiting for him to answer, he shrugged. "Okay," he said vaguely. "Just doing some homework." He nodded to the open book in front of him on the desk.

"I meant about your brother," she said gently, ignoring the book completely.

Kendall flinched. It was the way she had referred to Logan as his brother instead of his best friend. It made the pain so much worse. "I don't know," he whispered, deciding it was useless to hide his real feelings from her. "I'm. . . I'm scared, Mom. I don't know what to think about this whole. . ." he gestured wildly, frustrated that he couldn't put it into words. "Mess."

Seeing his tears, she stood up and crossed the room to hug him gently. "Kendall, I know." she said quietly. "I know how scary this is. But he's doing much better." She paused, seeming to rethink her words. "Well, he's doing better physically anyway. He misses you, honey. You and Carlos. I can see how he tries to hide it because he thinks he doesn't deserve you. He's depressed, Kendall and I don't see how much more he can improve until he sees you and Carlos."

Kendall felt so lost. Clearly, his mother didn't know exactly how he felt otherwise she wouldn't be pushing him so much. "But I can't, Mom." he tried to explain. "I just can't. I don't even know what to say to him. What am I supposed to say? That I'm not mad at him? That I forgive him? Mom, he tried to kill himself. He tried to leave us. He didn't want to be with us anymore."

"Kendall, I know." Mrs. Knight sighed. "But I think there's more to what happened than meets the eye. He won't talk to me even when Katie isn't with me. James can get him to talk but only a little. You're the one he's trusted more than anyone else."

"If he trusted me," Kendall said, his voice breaking. "Then why didn't he tell me anything that was going on until it was almost too late?"

She was quiet, thinking over his question carefully before she dared try to give a response. "I don't know," she finally said, helplessly. "I think that's something you need to ask him."

Kendall jerked away from her and stood up so quickly that his chair fell over backwards. "I can't!" he said, his voice rising with emotion. "I can't see him, Mom. Not now. I'm not ready."

"When will you be ready?" asked a voice from the doorway. Kendall and his mother both turned around to see James standing there, arms crossed over his chest. Behind him, Katie hovered anxiously, looking close to tears. James glanced at her and softened his voice. "Kendall, can I talk to you privately?"

"I think that's a good idea," Mrs. Knight said, surprising both boys. She placed her hand on Kendall's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. "Come on, Katie. Why don't we go see Logan for a couple hours before visiting hours end for the day." She turned back to Kendall. "Unless you boys would like to come along?"

Kendall shook his head, avoiding her gaze because he couldn't stand the crushing disappointment in her eyes. He heard James say something about how he had already been there earlier in the day and flinched. James was doing exactly hat he should have been doing. How did he make it so easy? How was he was finding it so easy to move on?  
"

All right then." Mrs. Knight gave them both a small smile. "Let's go then, Katie. Want us to tell him anything. Kendall?"

He looked up at both of them and bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood. He opened his dry mouth, his brain racing to think of something he wanted to say. Nothing came to him and he wound up shaking his head. "No," he told her, glancing away.

He heard the door close and their footsteps fade away. He heard the front door open and close and then the car start up and fade off into the distance. He heard James taking deep breaths like he did when he as trying to stay calm and keep from yelling. "What did you want to talk about?" he finally asked as casually as possible.

"You're such a jerk," James spat out, his anger just barely controlled. "Why won't you come see Logan? It's been almost a week and so far it's been me and your mom and sister. You and Carlos-" he broke off and shook his head. "I don't understand either of you right now."

"James, it's not that simple!" Kendall said quietly, feeling tears come to his eyes. He would _not _cry in front of James.

"What is so difficult about it?" James challenged sharply. "Sure he's my best friend but he's your brother, Kendall. You should have been there the first day he was allowed to have visitors. Everyone should have. It was just me and Logan that day. Why?"

"Why were you there?" Kendall asked, ignoring the questions James was firing at him because he didn't have an answer for any one of them.

James glared at him. "Because like I said, he's my best friend. He's sorry for what he did. You can't even begin to imagine what he's feeling right now. I've seen him every day and I still can't imagine for myself. But at least I'm making an effort. He doesn't want to die anymore, Kendall. He wants life to go back to normal."

Kendall couldn't help but scoff at James' words. "Normal?" he repeated. "Does he really expect that things will ever go back to normal again? The doctors told us that he'd probably never be able to do things like hockey or sing and dance again because of the damage he did to his heart."

"That's not what we meant about normal," James said, taking note of the way Kendall flinched when he had included both himself and Logan in the subject of normal. "There's more to life than hockey and dancing, Kendall. You should know that even though you're obsessed with hockey."

"I know," Kendall whispered, beginning to back down against James' wrath.

James was quiet for a minute, seeing how unnerved Kendall was becoming. "I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have said that. I know that you care more about us than hockey."

Kendall would have almost preferred James continue to yell at him. The tender, sensitive side to his best friend was breaking down the wall more than the angry side ever would. Unable to stand anymore, he sank down on the floor and buried his head in his arms and started to cry.

All the anger in James evaporated and he was at Kendall's side, at first touching him uncertainly on the shoulder and then, wrapping him in a comforting embrace. "It's okay to be scared," he told him, not completely comfortable with taking care of the protector. It was one thing to take care of Logan or even Carlos but Kendall had always made him feel better. Not the other way around. James didn't even know what to say. But maybe that was okay so he told Kendall that.

"I've always known what to say though, James." Kendall protested, shaking his head. He tried to pull away, embarrassed, but James' confidence had grown and he wouldn't let him go.

A dry laugh escaped James. "I guess you're human after all then." He paused and then added, "Just like Logan. We all make mistakes. Logan knows that me made a mistake. He just needs us to forgive him now and then we can move on and things can be okay again."

Kendall shook his head again. "How do you know that?" he asked, lost and confused.

James didn't answer right away like Kendall expected. He turned his gaze to the picture frame sitting on Kendall's desk, displaying four ten-year-olds crowded around a hockey trophy, their faces lit up with excitement and joy. "I don't know," he admitted. "But I do know that they could get better if we move on. If we don't then. . . then I know that things don't have a chance of getting better. They'll probably just get worse."

Kendall knew he was right. He sighed, following James' gaze. "Since when did you start having all the answers?" he asked, not meaning to hurt his friend but honestly wondering.

"I don't," James disagreed instantly. "Logan won't really talk to me that much. He's afraid of saying the wrong thing and of me leaving him no matter how many times I tell him that I won't. He needs all of of us to be there for him. That's when he was always the most open anyway. And I don't know why you and Carlos still refuse to see him?"

"Have you been. . . talking to Carlos as much as me?" Kendall asked hesitantly.

James shook his head. "No. He's just as hurt as you but in a different way. Remember whenever you and I bugged Logan about talking to us or actually accused him about taking drugs? Carlos was always the one to defend Logan. Kendall, the reason it was so easy for me to see him is because I blamed myself a lot for everything that happened. I should have known not to trust him when he said that everything was fine."

Kendall looked up sharply. "James, no way." he argued. "Logan is our best friend. Why would he lie to us?"

"Well, that's one of the things I still don't have all the answers for," James said. "But I blamed myself because I feel like I should have recognized the symptoms of drug use."

Kendall just stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

Then James told Kendall exactly what he had told Logan, everything about his Uncle Jerry, his voice breaking and tears running down his cheeks. "I did recognize the signs," he said softly. "The nervousness, the irritability and the way he just acted all wrong. I was only ten with my uncle by in hindsight, he had been acting differently. Now I'm older and I did notice, Kendall. But I believed him."

"Because he's our best friend." Kendall repeated.

A faint smile crossed James' face. "You keep saying that he _is_ our best friend." he said softly.

"Well," Kendall said slowly. "Because he is. Right?"  
"He wants to be," James told him. "But best friends stick together no matter what. Logan wants to move on more than anything but you're holding him back by staying away. He is positive that you guys hate him no matter what I tell him." James was still crying but the tears had slowed and talking was easier. "Kendall, I can't do this alone. He cries every day and I can't make him feel better. You and Carlos are the only ones who can do that. Right now. . . I'm scared for him, Kendall. I'm not enough for him."

Kendall winced, James' honest words cutting through him even though they were spoken as gently as possible. "My mom said that he's depressed," he whispered, afraid. "Is that true?"

James nodded. "The only way he's going to get any better is if he hears from you and Carlos each that you don't hate him. I'm doing everything I can but what do you think he's believing when I show up every day alone?"

It made perfect sense and it made Kendall feel like the worst person on the face of the Earth. "I need to go see him," he whispered. "Now."  
But James shook his head and grabbed his arm hen he tried to stand up. "By the time you get there, visiting hours will be over. Or you won't have enough to time really talk to him." he said quietly.

"I need to talk to him though!" Kendall exclaimed, suddenly feeling desperate. "I don't hate him, James. You know that, don't you?"

"I do," James nodded. "But Logan doesn't. You have to wait though. Go tomorrow."

"With you?"

"No," James said regretfully, hating that he wouldn't be able too see Logan the next day. "I think the two of you need to talk through things. I'll hang out with Carlos and try to convince him. I think you're going to need to help me with him though, Kendall. After you see Logan. Carlos needs us too."

James was right. "Okay," Kendall breathed. "I'll go see Logan tomorrow then. First thing."

For the first time in a long time, Kendall saw James smile and actually look happy. "Awesome," he declared. "Then we can go together. And Carlos will come around, I'm sure of it. We'll be okay."

Kendall couldn't help but believe him. It was strange having James reassure him instead of the other way around but it was right. Everything the other boy had said made perfect sense when Kendall thought about it. He regretted not seeing Logan before but there was nothing he could do about it except see him the very next day. Maybe eventually he would have some of his answers but for now he just wanted his best friend and his brother back. He sighed, feeling like the burden he had been carrying for weeks, become suddenly light. It wasn't gone but he wasn't the only one carrying it anymore.

"Yeah," James said, interrupting Kendall's thoughts. "We will be okay. Together."

Kendall smiled at James' words, not quite happy but peaceful. "Thanks, James." he said softly. "Thanks for bringing us back together."

James shrugged and stood up, pulling Kendall to his feet as well. "Don't thank me yet," he cautioned. "We need to help Carlos first then all of us can help Logan."

But Kendall shook off James' words and hugged his best friend close. "We're closer now because of you," he told him. "So thank you."

**A/N. This chapter was so long because I combined the last part. So yay, next chapter will be Kendall and Logan! Review?**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N. I wrote this a long time ago. Lol. Then I had to change it around a little bit because of Danny. My outline for this story is no good at all. I need a new one. Funny how things work out in the end. Anyway. I don't own anything.**

"He'll be here soon," Logan whispered to himself as he rocked slowly back and forth on the edge of his bed. "He said he would come again today. He promised." Logan didn't doubt James' promise but it made him feel even worse. For the past week he had been coming faithfully at 8:00 every morning as soon as the rehab center's visiting hours began. His timing was so exact and perfect that Logan had started to suspect that he arrived early and waited outside the front doors until someone would let him in. So where was he now?

Terrible thoughts plagued Logan as he grasped desperately for a sense of calm that had long ago abandoned him. What if something was wrong with James? What if he was sick or hurt? Who was going to even tell Logan besides his mother or Katie? Kendall and Carlos still hadn't come to visit him with James. It was just James. Only James. He had been the only reason that Logan had been keeping his sanity. Even when he was forced to endure those awful moments of solitude, the knowledge that he'd see James soon had been enough to keep him going. It was worth getting up for in the morning. What if his only reason to live was gone? How was Logan supposed to survive without James by his side?

"Please," his sanity was slipping away like grains of sand through his fingers. He couldn't hold onto it. He tried taking in a deep breath of air but each attempt was rejected by his lungs. Somehow he recognized the symptoms of a panic attack. He had experienced them before due to the drug withdrawal he had been going through and he knew that he probably shouldn't be alone. He could hurt himself. But he was alone. All alone. Forever. Even Danny was gone, given permission to take a three day vacation of sorts with Jason and Carrie. Logan had no one.

The door opened. Logan heard it but he couldn't bring himself to look up and see who had entered his room. What if it wasn't James? What if it was someone coming into his room to tell him that James had been in an accident on his way over and-

"Logan, are you okay?"

The voice. It wasn't James but it wasn't anyone who worked at the rehab center either. Logan could hardly believe who it was. He didn't dare look up. He was so broken and ashamed, falling apart right in front of him like the weak coward he was. A whimper escaped him as he continued his struggle to breathe. He dug his fingernails into his palms, drawing blood, and shook his head in answer to the question.

"Logan, what's wrong? What's happening? Can you talk to me? What should I do?"

Great. Now he was panicking too. Logan felt a rush of anger directed at himself for scaring him so much all over again. Why couldn't he do anything right anymore? "I-" That was all he could manage before he doubled over gasping for air. He heard footsteps fade away and that voice yelling for help down the hall. He rose to his feet to stop him but his legs refused to hold him and he started to fall. Arms caught him and cradled him gently and Logan felt the strong body shaking with frightened sobs.

"Logan, please!"

As if on a whim, the person holding him gave him a light but firm pat on the back. It worked. Logan coughed and sputtered and gasped for air even more at first but suddenly his lungs were returning to their proper working order. The panic began to ebb when the arms around him didn't loosen their hold even when a couple of doctors had joined them.

"I- I don't know," the voice said still tearful. "I just w-walked in and he was all bent over and rocking back and forth and muttering to himself. He was having trouble b-breathing too and I couldn't get him to talk or even l-look at me."

"Kendall?" Logan questioned before he could stop himself. He tried to focus his blurry eyesight on the faces overhead. He felt so tired like he always did after an attack but he couldn't go to sleep now.

"Logan," Kendall's sigh of relief shook both of them. "Thank goodness." He reached out with a trembling hand and brushed strands of dark hair off of the other boy's clammy forehead.

"He probably suffered from some sort of panic attack." one of the doctors said in a hushed voice that wouldn't disturb the boys. "It's common when patients are going through withdrawal." He looked closely at Logan. "How are you doing now, Logan?"

He didn't recognize the doctor. There were too many. Logan sighed and sat up slightly, taking note of the way that Kendall's arms didn't loosen their hold but merely adjusted their position to hold him better. "I'm okay now," he said, still slightly breathless. "I'll be fine."

The doctor nodded and then looked at Kendall. "I'll be right down the hall if you need anything." he told him quietly. "But right now I think you're his best medicine."

Kendall returned his nod but his eyes never left Logan's pale, tear stained face. Once they were alone he risked speaking to Logan again. "Logan," he began tentatively, not wanting to scare him into another attack. "Do- do you want to get off the floor?"

"The floor," Logan said slowly. "Yeah." He tried to rise to his feet but he was still weak and shaky. "Can you-"

Kendall didn't wait for him to finish his question. He stood up and swung the smaller boy into his arms, placing him gently on the bed. Then he sat down on the edge of the mattress and stared. "Oh, Logan. Why did you get yourself into this mess?"

Tears burned Logan's eyes and he hurriedly blinked them away. "I'm sorry," he croaked out. "I-I don't know what's wrong with me."

"I do." Kendall said softly. "This. . . this is all because of those stupid drugs, Logan. They did this to you. To us. What I don't understand is why you even started."

Logan had no real answer. He shook his head. "I don't really know. I thought I could handle it and stop whenever I wanted to. But then I couldn't and I was trapped because I was so ashamed and I-"

"That's still no excuse," Kendall protested helplessly. "We would have helped you like we are now. It didn't have to be this bad, Logan. It didn't have to go this far."

He felt silly but now that Kendall was no longer holding him, Logan didn't feel safe anymore. He felt like he was coming apart all over again but he didn't want to scare Kendall again. It was for Kendall's sake alone that Logan was able to stay remotely calm. "I know." he whispered, defeat in his voice. "I know that you're angry and hurt and disappointed and I don't blame you at all. I don't blame you for hating me."

Kendall jerked back slightly at Logan's words. "Logan," he said quietly. "Listen to me. Yes, I'm angry and hurt and disappointed. I'm angry because you lied to us and put yourself in danger. I'm disappointed that you lied to us and wouldn't let us help you. I'm-" Kendall stopped and swallowed hard before going on. "I'm hurt because you lied to us and then tried to leave us. You're right about all of that. But, Logan, you're really wrong about one thing. Look at me."

Logan hesitantly raised his gaze to meet Kendall's eyes, forcing himself to see the pain there.

"I would never hate you."

Five words. Five simple words. But they meant the world to Logan and whether it was stupid of him or not he believed them right away. A sob rose in his throat and tightened his chest until he was pulled into an embrace and all of his control went right out the window. "I'm sorry," he whispered in between sobs. "Kendall, I'm so sorry!"

"I know," Kendall rubbed his shaking back soothingly. "It's okay though, Logan. It will be anyway. Just like James has been telling us."

"James," Logan repeated. "Is he-"

"Sorry," Kendall apologized. "I was going to tell you when I first came in but I forgot. James is fine, Logan. He's home with Carlos. He thought we should talk, just the two of us and I agreed. He'll be here tomorrow though, okay?"

"Yeah," Logan sighed in relied. "Okay. Thanks."

"Logie?" Kendall asked. "When I came in. . . does that really happen to you a lot? Does James know?"

"Yes, it does happen a lot and yes, James does know." Logan answered, ducking his head in shame. He saw the sorrow in Kendall's eyes and hurried to change the subject. "Kendall, how's Carlos doing?" He still hadn't seen or even heard from Carlos. The more time that passed, the more uneasy he grew.

Kendall bit his lip. "About the same, which isn't good." he told Logan honestly.

"Oh." Logan could only whisper. "Kendall, why won't he come? Do you think he hates me?"

A tiny smile crossed Kendall's face but it disappeared right away. "I know he doesn't hate you, Logan. He's just scared and confused. Really scared and really confused. He doesn't know what to say to you. He won't talk much but I know that's part of why he hadn't come yet. But I also know that he loves you because this past week, he's been asking James how you're doing. I'm sure he'll come around eventually."

"But what if he doesn't?" Logan asked fearfully. "What if he never wants to see me again? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me. You and James-"

"Logan, stop." Kendall said firmly. "Don't think like that. I'll talk to Carlos when I get home. Maybe I can convince him that it'll be okay."

"No," Logan shook his head. "Don't force him. Just be there for him for me okay, Kendall?"

Kendall nodded reluctantly. "Okay, buddy. But you'll see. Soon it'll be the four of us again."

Hope came into Logan's eyes. "Do you really believe that?" he asked. "Even after all I've done?"

There was a tiny part of Kendall that wasn't positive they would ever be whole again. He wasn't about to let Logan know that so he smile and nodded. "Yeah," he says quietly. "I do."

Logan nodded and then after a moment's hesitation, moved to hug Kendall himself. His motions were slow and awkward, hindered by a lingering doubt. But every doubt went out the window when Kendall immediately returned the embrace, pulling him as close as possible. "I missed you," he said into his brother's shoulder. He pressed his face to Kendall's shirt and inhaled, breathing in the familiar scent of the home he missed so much.

"I missed you too, Logie." Kendall replied, the words catching in his throat. "Please don't ever try to leave us again."

Logan shook his head. "I won't. I promise, Kendall. I don't know how much that means to you since I broke so many promises before but this is different. This is real. I'll do whatever it takes to get your trust back, even if it's just a little bit."

Kendall gave Logan a reassuring squeeze and smiled a little. "I know you will," he said softly. "We'll just have to give it a little time, okay. Take one day at a time. I do believe you when you promise that you won't try to leave us though."

"Really?" Logan shifted slightly so that he could lift his head and look at Kendall.

"No doubts," Kendall said firmly. He stood up and helped Logan to his feet, automatically supporting him just in case. "We can talk more about this later but I think we should wait until we're altogether again. For now, it's a beautiful day. Are you allowed to go outside?"

Logan nodded. "Only if I'm supervised." he told Kendall with a small smile.

"Lead the way then." Kendall said, gesturing to the door.

So Logan did lead the way, stopping at the desk in the back for permission to go out. Once out in the back, he stopped and took a deep breath of fresh air, letting it out in a deep sigh. "What do you want to do out here?" he asked, turning to Kendall.

"Let's go sit over there," Kendall suggested, pointing to a large weeping willow tree. He sensed that Logan shouldn't be doing anything too physical, especially after the panic attack earlier that day. He walked across the grass and sank down beneath the shelter of the tree, resting against the strong trunk.

Logan joined him, sitting so close that their shoulders touched. "It feels so good to be out," he told Kendall. "James took me out once but this week has been rainy and cold and he was too scared to go out even with coats and an umbrella. I guess it's pretty nice in there, but usually I just feel. . . trapped. I know I can't do too much and even after I recover, it won't be the same but still," he closes his eyes and took another deep breath. "It feels so much better out here. If I close my eyes, I can sometimes believe that everything is okay or at least close to it."

"One day, Logan." Kendall says softly, lifting an arm to lay across the other boy's shoulders. "In fact I think that day is coming pretty soon. Just wait and see."

Logan blinked back sudden tears and spoke in a shaky voice. "I think so too. Because I have almost everyone back. Once that happens, I'll tell you all everything, okay? It won't made up for what I did but you deserve an explanation. None of my reasons make sense anymore but I think that's a good thing. I don't think it was good that I had reasons in the first place." He was babbling he realized and bit his lip to stop himself.

"So you want to live?" Kendall couldn't help but ask. He was terrified that Logan might hesitate or lie but he had to know.

Logan didn't hesitate and when he spoke, it was the truth. "Yes," he said firmly. "I want to live. More than anything I want to live with my family and best friends."

A relieved smile broke out on Kendall's face. "Good," he murmured. "That's exactly what we want too."

Logan smiled too and then rested his head on Kendall's shoulder. He still missed Carlos so much that his heart ached but Kendall's presence had provided him with a kind of peace that made everything easier to bear. It gave him hope. "One day," he said aloud, promising both himself and Kendall. He was well on his way. No. They were well on their way.

Kendall relaxed, knowing without a doubt that they would be fine. Together, he and James would bring Carlos back to Logan and then they could be whole again. He knew that they had to be extremely gentle with their sensitive friend because like James had said the other day, he had been hurt in an entirely different way from the others. He had faithfully supported Logan until what was nearly the very end only to watch Logan, his hero, crumble right before his eyes. They had a long, difficult road ahead of them but Kendall had never believed in something do strongly before. "So tell me about Danny," he asked, watching Logan's face light up. "James told us all what he did for you," he said softly. "I wish he was here today so I could meet him and thank him."

"He'll be home tomorrow," Logan told him, glancing up at his face, needing to be assured yet again that today wasn't just a one time event. "You can meet him tomorrow if you want."

Kendall smiled and tightened his arm around Logan. "Then I'll be looking forward to meeting him tomorrow," he said, his grin growing when Logan smiled at the reassurance. "James and Mom and Katie had nothing but good things to say about him."

"That's because you two are really similar," Logan said softly. "The way you can handle things and take care of everyone."

"I didn't take care of you," Kendall said regretfully. "If I had taken better care of you, we wouldn't be here right now." "Kendall," Logan said sorrowfully. "It's not your fault. I was the one who got everything started, kept it going, and then tried to end it."

Kendall flinched at Logan's mention of ending everything. "I shouldn't have let you," he whispered. "I should have stopped you."

Logan bit his lip, trying not to cry again. "Kendall," he said, his voice starting to shake. "Just because you're my older brother and best friend doesn't mean you can control everything I say and do. I can make my own choices. I just. . . didn't make the right choice this time. Obviously."

Deep down, Kendall knew that Logan was right. "I know," he admitted. "It's just. . . easier to blame myself than you or anyone else."

Logan nodded. "As backwards as that is, I know how you feel." he said softly. "But please, Kendall. Don't tear yourself down for something I did."

"I'll try, Logie." Kendall promised. The boys fell silent then, each lost in their own thoughts of what lay ahead for them. Kendall knew for the first time in weeks that they were going to be okay eventually. It was hard to believe otherwise with Logan safe and sound, right next to him. Safe and sound thanks to the doctors and nurses and Danny and James and his mother and Katie and even Logan himself. Because they had never, for one instant, given up.

He felt Logan's head grow heavier on his shoulder and glanced over to see the younger boy breathing deeply in sleep. He wasn't at all alarmed though. James had told him that this happened and it was probably for the best because Logan needed all the rest he could get. James. They owed so much to James. He had most likely saved their friendship. Who knew if they would have come around eventually without his constant pressure? Kendall shivered at the thought, wishing James was right there so he could thank him again.

Then again, Kendall thought as Logan sighed in his sleep, he was glad to be alone with Logan for the day. James had had his time with Logan and now Kendall was. Next was Carlos and then they could all be together again. Kendall was determined to enjoy the moment. Carlos was in good hands with James who would be incredibly gentle with him. Logan- Kendall looked again at Logan and smiled. Logan was in good hands too. Hands that had failed once but never, Kendall promised, never again.

Though it was impossible to ever truly forgive himself for letting all of this happen, Kendall knew it would do them no good to dwell in the past. He had to accept his past failures and lead his friends through the most difficult journey of their young lives. It was the only way.

Logan frowned in his sleep and stirred ever so slightly, Alerted to his discomfort and reminded of how James had also mentioned frequent nightmares, Kendall lifted his other arm to pull Logan's head into his chest, exactly the way his mom used to hold him when he was little. "It's okay." he whispered. "I've got you, Logan. I'm not letting you go. I promise."

Logan relaxed quickly in Kendall's arms, a slight smile lighting up the pale and weary looking face. Still asleep, he brought one arm up and wrapped his fingers around Kendall's wrist, holding him there. Kendall read the silent thanks and then rubbed Logan's back with his free hand. "Anytime, bro."

**A/N. I got my school books yesterday. Three more weeks of freedome left and then I'll be in my Public Speaking class which I will most defintely fail. Anyway. Angst ahead in the next chapter. Review?**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N. I know I said that I would update "TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY" before this, but then I realized that this story needs to reach a certain point before that happens. So here it is! I have the next couple of chapters pre-written so I'll update every day. I'l work on "TRW" too and the first offical chapter might go up to night. We shall see. But for now, this chapter is angsty but there's even more angst just ahead. Just so you know. I don't own anything.**

Carlos looked at the alarm clock that sat on his nightstand. 9:36 in the morning. James and Kendall would probably be at the rehab center visiting with Logan by now. He had been allowed to have visitors for two and a half weeks now. James had been going there since the very first day and Kendall had started a little over a week ago now. But Carlos didn't know what he was going to do.

He was scared. Really scared. Because never in all his life had he felt so completely lost and alone. And betrayed. He felt lost because of all that had happened and all that was still happening. It was confusing, something he had never seen coming, especially since Logan had assured him time after time that everything was okay. And now, after everything was clearly not okay, James and Kendall were moving on. Without him. So he felt alone. He didn't know how to move on.

He didn't know how to move on because of the betrayal that had been holding him back. Logan had _lied_ to him. It hadn't been a small lie that had happened once either. It had been a very serious one and it had happened more times than Carlos could count. He had been the one to support Logan and believe in him. But all of it had been a lie. Every single word, every single smile, everything. His best friend had hurt him worse than anyone ever before. Carlos didn't even know what to think about it. How in the world was he supposed to go see Logan and talk to him?

He wanted to forgive Logan. He really did. All he wanted was to be able to move on and have all of his best friends home where they belonged. He wanted to hang out with them, play hockey, and laugh and joke and even go to school with them. He just didn't know how he was supposed to get from here to there without making things worse.

A knock at the door broke Carlos' scattered concentration. "Come in," he called, looking up to see James and Kendall walk in. "Guys," he said, surprised to see the older boys. "What are you doing here?" He studied them carefully, having a troubled feeling that he knew why they were there after all. Both had determined but concerned expressions on their faces as they both sat down on the floor in front of him.

"We came to talk to you," James said, glancing at Kendall as if he had been hoping he would take the reins of the delicate conversation. "About Logan."

Carlos wasn't surprised, but that didn't make it any easier. He drew away from them, stiffening slightly. "What about him?" he whispered, trying to keep his voice steady.

"He misses you, buddy." Kendall said softly. "A lot. Carlos, I know he hurt you. He hurt all of us. But he's learned a lot the hard way and he's completely willing to try and make things as right as he can. He can't do that without your help though. He needs you."

""I needed him and he tried to leave," Carlos replied flatly. "What do you say about that? Besides, he has you and James and your mom and Katie and even Danny," he spat the name of Logan's roommate out with more venom than he had actually meant to. Really he was grateful for the stranger who had saved Logan's life. But his perspective was already so incredibly messed up that nothing made sense. "He doesn't need me."

"Carlos," James said sadly. "He does need you. More than you could know. He asks about how you're doing every single day. He cares about you."

"Does he?" Carlos asked, the doubt in his voice scaring even him. "Because it was kind of hard to tell when he was overdosing on his little pills and then in the hospital asking for more help. I used to think he cared about me. Now? I don't know, James. I just don't know."

Kendall stood up and placed a gentle hand on the younger boy's shoulder. "How will you know if you don't find out?"

Carlos was afraid of being hurt again, it was as simple as that. "I don't know," he began in a broken whisper. "If I can see Logan again." He crossed his arms over his chest as if that would somehow subdue the ache there. It was so much worse saying it out loud. He watched for Kendall's and James' reactions, waiting for them to get angry at him and storm out of the room.

James moved first, close to Carlos, and wrapped his arms tightly around his friend. "How will you know if you don't try to find out?" he asked gently, which absolutely no judgment in his voice.

"James is right," Kendall agreed. "You'll never know if you don't try. We could go with you if you think it would help."

Carlos thought about that. He didn't have to be alone. But what if things didn't go well? "Can you maybe drive there with me and then leave us alone?" he asked tentatively.

James smiled, clearly thinking that everything was going to be okay now. "Sure," he said, already cheerful. He stood up, pulling Carlos to his feet as well. "Let's go now."

There was no use in putting it off. Carlos took a deep breath and followed his friends out his house to the bus stop at the corner. He was going to see Logan.

**SCENE BREAK**

He was beginning to think that this had been a very big mistake. Carlos craned his neck to see all the way to the top of the tall white building they were standing it front of. Logan had almost jumped off of the roof. He shivered at the thought and looked quickly down to stare at his shoes.

"Ready?" Kendall asked, looking at him in concern. "Want us to come with you?"

Carlos shook his head. "No," he whispered. "Just. . . wait. In case." He started forward, pushing open the heavy door and stepping into the front room. There was a desk with a woman siting behind it, her eyes on a computer screen. "Hi," he said uncertainly, walking over to her.

"Hello, dear." she said in a warm voice. "How can I help you today?"

"Um," Carlos began to fumble with his words and drummed his fingers nervously on the desk. "I'm here to see someone. To visit, I mean."

"All right, and who are you here to see?"

He swallowed hard and blinked back ready tears. "Uh, Logan Mitchell." Even after all this time, it sounded do weird saying Logan's name in such bizarre context. Carlos never would have thought that he would find himself visiting his best friend, Logan of all people, in the drug rehab center. He thanked the woman when she gave him the room number and directions, then left to find the elevator.

He found himself wishing that the elevator would never reach Logan's floor and that he would just have to go home. Because the closer he got, the less he was sure about what he was doing. He had absolutely no idea what to say or do once he saw Logan. But the elevator didn't stop until it reached the fifth floor where Logan's room was located. Taking a deep breath, Carlos stepped out into the hall and began searching for Logan's room. He found it without the least bit of trouble.

The door was shut and Carlos stood there for a second debating whether or not he should not or turn around and run back to the safety of the first floor. James and Kendall could visit Logan. They knew what to say and do. Before he could make his decision however, the door opened and Carlos had to step aside to keep from being run over by a young man only a little older than himself.

"Sorry about that," the guy said, reaching out to steady him. He looked closer at Carlos and smiled. "Hey, are you Carlos?

Carlos inhaled sharply, his scrambled brain trying and failing to tell his mouth to operate. He wound up giving his head a sharp nod and then fell silent., waiting for the other guy to talk.

"Carlos?"

It suddenly became a lot harder to breathe. Logan appeared by the stranger's side, his face filled with disbelief. The two boys simply stared at each other for a while before Logan smiled very tentatively. "Hi," he said, looking shy.

"So this is Carlos," the guy said. He held out his hand for Carlos to shake. "I'm Danny, Logan's roommate. Nice to finally meet you."

Carlos could tell that Danny hadn't meant anything by "finally". But he tensed up anyway and simply nodded again, letting Danny drop his hand to his side. He could hardly stand to look at Logan and see the mixture of emotions. Fear. Happiness. Uncertainty.

"I'll leave you two alone." Danny said when the silence became uncomfortable. He looked worried but smiled for Logan's benefit and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "See you around, Logie."

Logie. Carlos frowned even deeper at the nickname. It was he who had come up with it when they were little boys. He nodded again to Danny's farewell and then continued to stand awkwardly in the otherwise empty and quiet hallway.

"Do you. . . do you want to come in?" Logan asked, stepping aside and holding the door open.

Without a word, Carlos walked into the room, glancing around as he did so. It was a simple room, nothing impressive, but less hospital looking than he had been expecting. Still, he found that it was impossible to relax and when Logan told him that he could sit down, he shook his head. "I'm okay standing," he said quietly.

Logan sat down, looking troubled and weary. His face was thin and pale, dark shadows underneath his eyes. "It's good to see you," he ventured in a voice that was barely a whisper. "I've. . . I've missed you. How are you?"

Carlos shrugged. "Awful," he said honestly, trying to ignore the look of pain and regret that crossed Logan's face. "Everything hurts right now."

"I know," Logan looked down for a second and then forced his gaze back up to Carlos. "Carlos," he said, his voice breaking with unshed tears. "I know it could never be enough to say this but I am so sorry for everything I did to you. For lying and stealing and lying more and stealing more. And then just throwing away our friendship like I did. It was the worst thing I could have ever done. I hurt you a lot and I'm just so sorry."

"I thought we were friends," Carlos whispered as he turned to stare out the window, unable to look at Logan. He saw both of their reflections in the glass though and it was impossible to miss the way that Logan's face fell at his words.

"We-"

"Because last time I checked, Logan," Carlos turned back to the other boy. "Best friends trusted each other and told each other when something was wrong or bothering them. They didn't lie and steal over and over again. And even when they do make mistakes, they own up to them instead of just trying to leave a mess behind. So tell me, Logan, where exactly did our friendship play a part in everything you did? Because you sure didn't act like a friend when you were lying straight to my face and everything else."

Logan was clearly searching for words that would never come to him. He looked helpless and lost but worst of all was the obvious fact that he was clearly thinking he deserved everything Carlos was saying to him. "You're right," he finally said in a pained voice. "About everything. I wasn't acting like a real friend at all."

"I don't get it, Logan." A few tears escaped but Carlos ignored them. "Why? James and Kendall, especially James, were both right from the very beginning. But I stuck up for you the whole time. I've been wrong a lot of times in my life but I was never so wrong before when I decided to trust you and believe in you. You took everything I had given you from the time we met and threw it right back in my face like it was a worthless piece of trash. You didn't value our friendship at all."

It was everything Logan already knew and yet it hurt so much more hearing it from Carlos. Still, when the younger boy broke down in tears, Logan couldn't help but move closer to him in an attempt to give some sort of comfort. It should not have come as such a big surprise when Carlos jerked away from him.

"Don't," Carlos' voice was hoarse already from the tears that were waiting to fall. He started to back away, shaking his head as he did. "Just don't, Logan. You've already done enough." With those as his parting words, he finally spun around and hurried out of the room, not daring to look back even once in case seeing Logan might break his resolve.

It was a mystery how he located the elevator and punched the button for the correct floor. "I can't," he said as he walked past a stunned looking James and Kendall. "I can't do this. You guys can go see him but I'm going home."

It surprised him when James joined him in his hurried exit from the building. "James-" he started to say as he fought to see past the flood of tears in his eyes.

"You're not going home by yourself," James wasn't angry with him at all. He sounded crushed though and that made it even worse. "Kendall will take care of Logan."

Right. That made sense. Kendall was Logan's brother. Kendall probably hated Carlos for leaving Logan.

"He doesn't hate you," James said softly. "He's worried about you. We all are." He put his arm over Carlos' shoulder and walked him to the bus stop. "Come on. Let's go home."

**SCENE BREAK**

The only person Kendall was worried about more than Carlos right now was Logan. As soon as he and James had seen Carlos exit the elevator, they knew that the reunion between their two younger friends had been disastrous. In that moment, they had made a decision without speaking a word. James hurried after Carlos while Kendall rushed up to Logan.

He found him standing in the middle of the room , looking completely lost. He didn't even see Kendall until the older boy had taken his arm and led him over to the bed, forcing him to sit down. "Kendall," he whispered.

"I'm right here, Logie." Kendall told him gently, staring at him worriedly.

Logan shook his head and tried to pull away from Kendall. "No," he protested. "Carlos. . . you have to go to him, Kendall. He's so hurt right now."

"James is with him," Kendall said quietly. "I can't leave you here all by yourself."

A sob wracked Logan's body and when Kendall pulled him closed, he slumped weakly against the older boy. "I h-hurt him, K-Kendall. I deserve to be l-left alone. I don't deserve you and J-James or Danny. I don't deserve a-anyone."

"Logan, that's not true," Kendall disagreed as firmly as he dared without upsetting Logan any further. He had to admit that he was taken aback by the turn of events. He was sure that once Carlos had seen Logan, they would be okay. But apparently, the root of Logan's betrayal had dug its way deep into Carlos' heart and things were going to be way more difficult than anyone could have imagined. "Listen to me, Logan." he said, trying to get his brother's attention. "We've been through this before. You made a lot of really bad choices. But you're getting better now and you want to keep getting better. Right?"

Logan gave a small nod but he couldn't speak. He felt like his entire world had started to crumble all over again. Carlos was only the beginning. Soon the others would see that he was right and they would all leave Logan.

"Okay," Kendall went on, trying to ignore the way Logan's eyes had taken on a distant look as if his thoughts were elsewhere. "Stay with me, buddy. You know that you were wrong. We all know. We want you back home with us, safe and healthy. And we're going to get there, Logan. I promise. It just might take a little while. Listen, James is with Carlos right now. I can't think of a better person to be there for him, can you? James will know what to say so he can help him. He'll be okay, I know he will. It might take a little more time than we thought, but he'll come back, Logan."

Kendall had always been so easy to believe. But this time, Logan couldn't imagine Carlos ever coming back. He had seen the devastation and pain in his friend's eyes and he knew that he had been the cause of that pain and devastation. They had always protected each other from the world outside of their friendship. But they had never had to deal with an attack so violent from within their protective walls. Carlos had trusted Logan and Logan had let him down in the worst way possible. How were they supposed to move on from this? "I don't know, Kendall." he finally said in a shaky voice. "I don't see why he would."

**A/N. Well. I broke Carlos and Logan. -dead- I don't want to talk about it. Review?**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N. Chapter 31 oh my goodness. I'm still thinking between 35-40 chapters total. I don't own anything.**

Logan stared outside his window and watched the rain fall from the gray sky. He sighed and leaned his forehead against the cool glass pane, closing his eyes. The sight of rain had always made him slightly depressed because of the memories it brought back. The sound however, was soothing as long as it was falling gently the way it was now. When it was pouring it was another whole story. It was then that he often thought of her.

She would have been so disappointed in him. Her own son, a drug addict. He had fallen so far and had sunk so low that sometimes he didn't even recognize himself. When Kendall and James visited him it was easier but when he was alone, he didn't even know who he was or where he was going. What would she have to say? He already didn't understand why so many people were so willing to help him move on. Why did they even want anything to do with him?

Logan rubbed the faded scar on his wrist and opened his eyes to watch the rain again. "I'm sorry, Mom." he whispered, his breath creating a foggy film over the glass. There was so much more that he wanted to say but he just didn't know how. Even though he was getting better as far as the drug problem was concerned, he wasn't so sure about his state of mind.

In all honesty, he was depressed. He missed Carlos more than he could ever even try to describe. James and Kendall were both incredible but their presence only made Carlos' absence worse. Logan never complained though because he deserved far worse. He deserved to be alone all the time. He didn't deserve James and Kendall.

They weren't coming today. Kendall never said exactly why when he had called earlier but that was okay too. Logan didn't deserve an explanation. Just as long as they were safe and healthy, he would be fine. As fine as he could ever be when he was so screwed up. "Tomorrow," Kendall had promised which was the only reason Logan hadn't gone insane already. The promise of another day. . .

There was a sudden clap of thunder and Logan jumped then pulled back from the window. Great. A storm. It was silly but ever since the car accident, Logan had been afraid of storms. He backed away even further when lightening flashed through the sky and sat down on the edge of his bed. What he really wanted to do was lay down and pull the covers of his head just like he used to do when he was little. He wanted to hide from the storm.

Just then a commotion brought him out of his thoughts. A loud thud echoed through the walls and then voices were raised above the sound of the rain pouring down from the sky. Logan stiffened. Did he hear Carlos too? He stood up, forgetting his fears and looked outside his room. His heartbeat quickened when he saw what was happening and he hurried over to the small crowd that had appeared.

One of the older patients on Logan's floor, Jason, had Carlos backed up against the wall and was just about to hit him when Logan reached out and grabbed his wrist. Jason was absolutely huge but Logan had the advantage of the adrenaline that was rushing through him. He gave a firm yank and pulled Jason away from Carlos and over to the opposite wall. "What do you think you're doing?" he demanded.

Jason smirked back at him. "What do you care?" he asked.

Logan risked a glance behind him to see that someone was helping Carlos up and someone else was hopefully running for help. "I was. . ." he trailed off, wondering how he was supposed to explain things. I was helping my friend he wanted to say. But was Carlos still his friend? All he could think of was the last time they had been together. "Don't ever bother Carlos again." he said shakily. "Leave him alone."

Instead of answering him, Jason took hold of Logan's shoulders and spun him around before slamming him into the wall. Before he could do anything else though, an authoritative voice stopped him in his tracks. "What's going on here?"

Instantly, Jason released Logan and stepped away. "Nothing, sir." he lied poorly. "Mitchell was-"

Logan ignored the way his heart rate had sped up and interrupted Jason. "He was trying to hurt Carlos! I saw him. Ryan and Alex saw it too. Just ask them!" His voice was rising with each word and his breath was steadily growing heavy and shallow as he grew more antagonized. "He's always picking on us and none of you ever believes us because-"

"Logan!" The nurse ignored Jason for the time being and placed his hands on Logan's shaking shoulders. "Calm down. Logan. You can't risk getting excited like this remember? Your heart-"

"I know," Logan whispered. How could he forget? Tears burned his eyes as his chest began to ache painfully and he lifted one hand to feel the racing flutter of his heart. "I'm f-fine."

"Just sit down and take a few deep breaths."

Logan nodded and obeyed because he was on the verge of blacking out. He felt a hand suddenly slip into his and give a gentle squeeze. Risking a glance upwards he saw Carlos staring at him, eyes filled with fear. Carlos should never have to be afraid so Logan tried to smile reassuringly but the sight of his old friend made his heart ache even more so he dropped his gaze to the floor and concentrated on breathing.

It had only been a minute or so but it was still a huge relief when Logan felt his heart slow down and return to normal. He sighed and rested his head against the wall, slowly becoming aware of the fact that Carlos was still sitting right next to him and watching him worriedly. "I think I'm okay now." he said breathlessly to no one in particular.

Jack, that was the nurse's name who had come to their rescue nodded and helped Logan to his feet. "Okay, but I want you to go lay down for a while now just to be sure. I'll go find Jason and talk to him. Carlos?"

Carlos tore his gaze away from Logan's pale face. "I'll take him," he said softly. He led Logan away from everyone else and back into his room. "Sit," he instructed. "No wait, he said you should lay down."

"Carlos," Logan started to say. "I'm fine now. It's no big deal." He caught sight of a bruise on the side of Carlos' face and ignoring the other boy's attempt to make him relax, he sat up quickly. "What happened to your face?" he asked in alarm.

"It's nothing. I'm better off than you," Carlos pulled away, flinching at Logan's light touch. "Do you need anything, Logan?"

But Logan had gone silent, upset by Carlos' actions. He dropped his hand and let it fall to his side, looking away from Carlos. "No," he murmured. "I just need to relax."

"What," Carlos swallowed hard. "Logan, what happened to you out there?"

Logan sighed. "It's because of the drugs," he said quietly. "I screwed up my heart so I shouldn't really get overexcited or work too hard right now. It's. . it's kind of fragile."

_Just like the rest of you_. Carlos thought as he watched Logan. "I remember when the doctors first told us that," he whispered. "I was so scared because they went on and on about how they lost you a few times and how you couldn't even breathe on your own. They said you probably wouldn't even make it through the night. Then they said that if by some miracle, you did survive, you'd have to be really careful."

Logan nodded and dropped his gaze, unable to look at Carlos. "Carlos, if I could change everything I did and said then I would." he whispered.

"Why did you do it in the first place?" Carlos challenged. "You ruined everything, Logan. You ruined us. James and Kendall both blame themselves and. . . and I don't even know what to think about us. You're getting picked on by that jerk-"

Logan looked up, seeming to forget about everything but Carlos. "Did he hurt you too?" he asked softly.

Carlos shrugged and avoided Logan's concerned gaze. "A little," he admitted.

Logan reached out again, his fingertips grazing the bruise on Carlos' face. He relaxed when Carlos didn't pull away a second time. "Was this all he did to you?"

Carlos' anger faded and he sighed. "He called me some names but it's not a big deal."

But Logan stiffened. "What kind of names?" he asked, the meekness in his voice disappearing in exchange for anger directed at Jason. "Carlos, what did he say to you?"

Tears filled Carlos' eyes. "Nothing worth repeating. Just the kind of names jerks at school used to call me."

Racial slurs. "Oh, Carlos." Logan murmured. "I'm so sorry. You're right. This is all my fault." He blinked away tears and stood up. "Stay there." he told Carlos as he walked to the mini fridge in the corner of his room. He withdrew an ice pack and returned to the other boy. "Here," he said awkwardly, handing Carlos the object. "That will help the swelling go down."

For the first time that day, Carlos smiled. It was just barely there but it was real. "Thanks," he said quietly.

Logan was caught off guard by his words. "What?"

"For taking care of me. Just like you used to." Carlos winced slightly as the ice touched his face and he pulled the pack away. "It hurts more than I thought it would."

Logan frowned and took the pack gently away from Carlos. "Hold still," he instructed softly. "It'll hurt worse if you pull away." he slowly touched the ice to the bruise, biting his lip when he saw the pain in Carlos' eyes. "Sorry," he said, apologizing for everything. "Carlos, why didn't you tell me what Jason said to you? Even if you don't trust me anymore. I-"

"I didn't tell you because I'm old enough to handle it on my own." Carlos said, his eyes looking everywhere but at Logan. "I mean, I'm seventeen. I shouldn't let it get to me anymore. You and James and Kendall have always told me to stick up for myself. Sticks and stones, right?"

"Not exactly," Logan said quietly. "Words do hurt no matter what anyone says. When we told you to stick up for yourself we didn't mean that you have to do it alone."

"James and Kendall weren't here. I didn't know you could still help me." Carlos said honestly. He saw the pain in Logan's eyes and finally looked straight at him. "I was wrong though. I guess I was just ashamed that I let it get to me and I didn't want to bother you with my problems."

"That's kind of why I didn't tell you about my drug problem," Logan said quietly. "I knew you would all be ashamed of me and disappointed in me. I thought that I could maybe handle it on my own and make it go away without anyone ever finding out."

"But, Logan," Carlos sighed. "You can't even compare what happened with me today to what happened to you. They're two completely different issues. Mine hurts a lot, yeah, but in the end I'll forget about it eventually. You. . . almost died." His voice shook. "You tried to kill yourself, Logan. Why?"

"Because," and a sob wrenched itself from Logan's throat before he could go on. "I thought you would hate me for lying to you and messing up. I don't know why James and Kendall don't hate me. I deserve to be hated. I hate myself. Carlos, I swear, if I could go back in time and do things differently then I would. I would tell you everything if I even got into drugs in the first place. I know that doesn't do anything because I can't change the past, but I'm just so sorry, Carlos."

Tears blurred Carlos' vision of the broken figure beside him, huddled up with his arms wrapped around his torso as if he were trying to hold himself together. He couldn't do it alone. So Carlos leaned forward and pulled Logan almost roughly into his own arms and held him as close as possible. "I forgive you, Logie." he said tearfully. "I'm so sorry that I walked out on you before."

Logan shook his head as much as he could with his head tucked under Carlos' chin. "D-don't be." he cried. "I deserved it. I don't deserve to b-be f-forgiven. Not at all."

"We're best friends though." Carlos said quietly. "It's what we do. Logan, whether you think you deserved what I did to you, I'm still sorry about it."

"I hurt you worse."

The immense guilt that he heard in those few words tugged at Carlos' already aching heart. "Yeah you did," he said honestly because he knew Logan would never accept another answer. "But we can start over, can't we? Can't we try again?"

Logan tried to pull away so that he could see Carlos' face but he could hardly move in the embrace he was trapped in. "Can we?" he finally asked, his voice muffled. He couldn't hide the hope in his voice and he held his breath as he waited.

"Right now, it's the only thing I want," Carlos told him, a hint of a smile turning his lips upwards. "Well, that and for you to hug me back."

Logan suddenly realized that his arms were hanging uselessly at his sides. He lifted them and cautiously wrapped them around Carlos. When he wasn't pushed away, he tightened his grip and felt Carlos do the same.

"I love you, Logan." Carlos buried his face into Logan's shoulder and whispered in his ear. "I always will. I promise that I'll always be here for you, okay? I'm never going to leave you. We're best friends and we always will be."

"But what if I screw up again?" Logan whispered. "What if I have a relapse or something?"

Carlos shook his head. "That's not going to happen." he said firmly. "You're going to be just fine, Logan and until you get out of here, me and Kendall and James are going to be here as much as we can. And when we can't be here at night you can call us. You're never alone and that's how I know you're going to be okay."

Logan gave in and nodded, for the first time ever, fully believing the words. He would be fine. Because he had his friends back. All of them. They were four once again and it was the most wonderful feeling in all of the world. "Thank you."

There was a huge clap of thunder and Carlos felt Logan shudder in fear. Remembering his friend's fear of storms he tightened his arms in reassurance. "It's okay, Logan. I'm here."

Logan nodded. "I know."

Carlos suddenly released his tight grip on his friend and crossed the room to pull the curtains over the darkening sky. "Stand up," he instructed Logan who obeyed without a word. Then he stripped the bed of the comforter and threw it over the small table in the room. He shoved aside a chair and then beckoned to Logan. "Come on."

Logan stared at Carlos until he had disappeared from view under the table, hidden by the blanket. "Carlos?" he asked uncertainly. There was no answer and Logan dropped to his knees, pulling aside the blanket.

"Come on," Carlos' voice came from the darkness and he wrapped his hand around Logan's wrist pulling him in the shelter. "There, that's better." It was cramped underneath the table even though both boys had fairly small builds. They sat facing each other with their legs drawn up to their chests, chins resting on knees. When his eyes had adjusted and he could make out Logan's face in the shadows, Carlos grinned. "Just like old times. Remember when we were seven and you were slept over? That time that Kendall and James couldn't come. I forget why. It was just you and me though."

"They were both grounded," Logan couldn't help but smile back because everything Carlos did was contagious. "Kendall because he and Mark Sanchez got in a fight at school when Mark ripped your picture of your heart. James because he failed a test that he didn't ask for help with."

Carlos nodded, impressed. "I remember now. So it was just you and me and my mom had to take my little sisters out for shoes and my dad had to stop at the station for an hour. He left us alone and that huge storm came."

"I remember," Logan said softly. "I was so scared because of what storms reminded me of. You made a fort with your kitchen table and your mom's favorite quilt."

Carlos shifted slightly forward until his knees touched Logan's and he nodded again. "Remember what I told you?"

Tears stung Logan's eyes and he couldn't answer right away. He cleared his throat. "You told me that I didn't have to be afraid because I wasn't alone. You said that you were with me and best friends always took care of each other."

"Always," Carlos repeated softly, his voice nearly drowned out by the storm. "I meant that when we were seven and I mean it now."

"After all this time?" Logan choked out.

Carlos unfolded himself so that he could tug Logan into a hug. "Always. You're worth it, Logie."

Outside, the wind whipped wildly and there was a loud crack as a branch was ripped from it's tree and sent crashing to the ground. Outside, thunder drowned out nearly every other sound around. Outside, lightening flashed dangerously. It wasn't safe outside. But inside. Inside the building, under a sturdy roof, inside his room and under a make-shift shelter, held tightly by his best friend who took him back after everything, Logan was safe.

**A/N. Lol. What a subtle Harry Potter reference. One of my favorite quotes ever -sobs- Anyway. . . YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! Cargan fluff is back! Don't worry, four-way bromance is next and then ANNNNNGST! Ahem. Fun fact: My younger brother just reminded me that I named my giant stuffed dolphin, Logan lol. Oops. Review for the crazy girl?**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N. Big Time Wedding is a big time rip-off of the Drake & Josh episode, "We're Married". Get your own material, Scott Fellows. That is all. ANGST ahead. I don't own anything.**

"Doing okay, Logan?" Danny asked as he watched the younger boy carefully. He seemed a lot happier since all of his friends were back, but there was obviously something that continued to bother him. Danny didn't really know if he should be the one for Logan to talk to but he needed to make sure that he was there to listen.

Logan smiled a little. "I think so," he said quietly, setting aside his book. "I mean, I'm really happy that my friends all took me back after everything but I'm still having trouble believing that it's real. I feel like there's still something I need to do. I need to tell them everything. I'm just. . . I'm scared."

"Logie, the hardest part is over," Danny said confidently. "Sure, it won't be easy telling them why you did what you did. But if they were able to get past what you did without any reasons, then I'm sure they'll be able to listen and understand."

"I don't even understand myself," Logan said helplessly. "How can they understand?" Danny merely shrugged. "I guess you'll find out. But don't be too scared, Logan. You'll be okay."

"Knock, knock. Can we come in?" Danny was quick to stand up, tossing Logan an encouraging smile as he turned to leave the room. "See you guys around."

Logan looked up to see all three of his best friends standing there with huge grins on their faces. "Hi," he said, his voice catching in his throat as he tried to speak around the sudden lump in his throat. His vision blurred with tears and he couldn't see the other boys for a few seconds. While he was temporarily blind, he felt someone sit down next to him on the bed and a pair of arms wrap tightly around him.

"Now this feels right," James said with a sigh of relief as he sat down, his eyes on Carlos hugging Logan like they hadn't seen each other for over a year.

"You're all here," Logan said in a muffled voice.

"Of course we are," Kendall said soothingly. He sat down on the other side of Logan and rubbed his brother's back soothingly. "And James is right. This is right."

Carlos nodded and then pulled away from Logan so his other friends could have their chance for a proper greeting. "How are you feeling today, Logie?" he asked quietly.

"Wonderful," Logan murmured as he went from Kendall's arms to James'. "I thought I'd never feel happy again and now. . . today. I've never been so glad to be wrong before."

"You don't have to cry, Logan." James told him gently when he felt Logan shudder slightly. "The worst is over. I promise it will only get better from now on."

Kendall sat and watched his two friends, feeling conflicted despite himself. If he was completely honest with himself, he was jealous of the trust Logan had in James. It was stronger than the trust he had in anyone else. And it made perfect sense since James had been there since day one, but that didn't make Kendall feel any better. He was used to being the one that Logan went to for comfort and advice. It wasn't easy to see someone else in his role as the leader. It should be him embracing Logan and reassuring him. As if sensing his older friend's confusion, Carlos leaned against Kendall's shoulder, offering comfort simply by letting Kendall know that he needed him. Kendall, of course, responded instantly and wrapped am arm around his shoulders, relaxing a little now that he felt useful.

"I want it to get better," Logan said sorrowfully. "But. . . I need to tell you guys something first. I need to explain why I screwed up so much to begin with and why it made sense to me at that time."

Kendall frowned. "Logan, I know you said that you'd tell us everything and I think you should. But it doesn't have to be today if you're not ready. We can wait." He reached out with his free hand and touched Logan gently on the shoulder. "We have all the time in the world."

"He's right, buddy." James said as Carlos simply nodded.

But Logan shook his head and pulled away so that he was by himself again. "I want to tell you today. I think you deserve to know as soon as possible and I just want to get it off my chest. I mean, if you don't want me to right now then I don't have to. I just think the sooner, the better."

"Logan's right," Carlos said before Kendall or James could speak. He nodded to his friend. "Go ahead. We're listening."

"Okay," Logan let out a deep breath, shaking all over. "I already told you that none of these reasons make sense to me anymore. But I'm going to start from the beginning." The other boys nodded and Logan straightened up in determination. "You already know that I was having trouble sleeping on the tour. I've always had trouble sleeping but this time it was different. It was so much worse. I'd lay in that small bunk for hours but I couldn't get comfortable. It was tight and cramped and I guess I might have felt a little claustrophobic. Besides that, I couldn't handle all the motions and the noise. You were always moving, rocking back and forth, stopping and starting and hitting bumps in the road. The traffic noises never stopped. I kept telling myself that it was no big deal and that I'd get used to it, but I never did."

"I was stressed too. I was stressed about the tour and whether or not people would like us and if I was really good enough in the first place." Logan glanced down, looking embarrassed. "And I was homesick. I missed the routine of waking up and Mom having breakfast ready for us and Katie complaining but not really meaning anything by it. I missed relaxing in the apartment or down by the pool with you guys and our other friends. Everything about that was just so. . . safe and predictable. When we were away, Mom and Katie weren't with us and it felt like we could hardly ever relax. We were so busy. We never knew what was going to happen next and that scared me."

"I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed. Everyone else was handling things just fine and if not, then at least they were adjusting and getting better. I couldn't do any of those things. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to distract anyone. We needed to focus on the tour and I would just be dragging us down. So I didn't say anything until we had that discussion and Kendall gave me one more week to adjust."

Logan sighed deeply. This was where things got incredibly complicated. "Of course, I couldn't even make it that one week because I wound up passing out and you took me to a doctor. He gave me those stupid sleeping pills." Logan shook his head. "They did their job but a little too well. I slept fine but then I couldn't wake up. It was so frustrating, you guys. Everyone knew I was having problems at this point and it was humiliating the way everyone babied me. I was dragging all of us down."

When James started to open his mouth, Logan looked at him pleadingly. "Just let me tell you everything. Then you guys can talk, okay?" His friends nodded reluctantly and he went on. "James, we've always supported each other. In everything. It was always your dream to be famous and we were all given an amazing opportunity to help you achieve that dream. When I got sick, I was horrible on stage and people were losing interest in us. I was dragging us down. I was letting you down and that felt horrible. You guys have never let me down and I wanted to be as strong and brave and talented as much as you, not for myself, but for you guys. I was so afraid of losing you because I wasn't good enough."

"Just like my insomnia, I though I could eventually adjust to the pills. And just like my insomnia, I never did adjust. I got so desperate." Logan swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "I don't remember when I first wanted to take Carlos' Ritalin, but I was able to resist for a little while. Even after I took that first pill, I was so sure that I would be able to stop. I knew Ritalin is highly addictive but I thought I was stronger. I told myself that I would only take it once. Then I told myself that I would only take it until I got used to my sleeping pills. It just seemed so simple. The first time I took the Ritalin, we had an awesome concert and then I didn't take one and the next concert was a disaster. Soon I was telling myself that I would stop when the tour was over."

Logan fell silent for a while. When he finally did speak again, his voice shook. "Then we got to New York," he said, forcing himself to look at his friends even though the pain in their eyes was nearly unbearable. "James and Kendall. . . You guys accused me of taking Carlos' Ritalin and I denied it. I lied straight to your faces. I had already been lying so much but this was bigger. It wasn't just me saying that I was fine when I obviously wasn't. It was you asking me if I took Carlos' Ritalin and me saying no and then running off."

"That's when I met James and Greg. As soon as I saw them, I knew that they would be able to give me what I was so sure I needed. A solution to my problems. An answer to my questions. I paid them almost $250 for those anti-depressants. Then when I asked them what I was going to tell you guys when I came back with no money, they beat me up. So instead of things getting what I thought would be better, they got even worse because you had to take me to the hospital and the rest of the tour got called off."

"The anti-depressants were the pills you found when we got home," Logan said quietly. "I honestly don't know why I held onto them because we were going home and things were supposed to get better. I guess it was because I really was depressed and I didn't want to worry anyone. If I could take them without anyone ever finding out, no one else would have to be hurt." Logan scoffed. "Ironic, isn't it? I didn't tell you guys because I was afraid of hurting you. Look what I did instead. I destroyed everyone."

Tears filled Logan's eyes, but he pushed on, determined to finish. "Kendall took the pills and I was so relieved. I thought for sure that I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I didn't have anything to tempt me. But once again, I was wrong. The next day when I woke up and got out of bed, I got really lightheaded. I brushed it off and just being really tired but it was like that all day long. It just kept getting worse and worse. When we left to take," Logan glanced at Carlos. "Muffins to the vet, I was sure that my problems were related to drug withdrawal. It was the only thing that made any sense."

"Carlos and Kendall were back with the vet and Muffins when I knew for sure." Logan sighed. "James and I were sitting out in the waiting room and. . . and I saw this woman swallow a couple Tylenol. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and all I wanted to do was take the whole bottle from her. It scared me so much, that feeling. Then the vet's assistant quit and I got the idea to take his place. I knew that there would be plenty of drugs that I could take. At that point, I was so addicted to the Ritalin that anything would be awesome to me. It all happened so fast. After that fight we had about the job and I lied to all of you so horribly, I wanted to die for the first time. But I'll explain that in a little bit."

Logan felt a strange sense of relief as he neared the part in his story that his friends already knew. It wasn't going to be any easier to talk about but at least they had some idea of what was coming next. "It was perfect," he whispered. "The Ketamine that I took gave me more than enough strength and energy to get through rehearsals and they make me relax. I wasn't worried at all. When I was. . . high, it was impossible to worry even about what an idiot I was being. I was even getting paid so I knew that when I eventually lost the job, I would still be able to afford what I needed. The only thing that worried me was how I would buy the drugs without anyone noticing."

"I think that was when I got really bad. Like, the effects of the drugs weren't as strong. I was getting so desperate to have them work the way they used to that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. My grades basically fell apart and I couldn't even help you guys. It was getting harder and harder to hide everything from you."

"I first wanted to die the day we fought about my job," Logan reminded them. "Because all I had done was lie to you and you all gave me so many opportunities to give up and tell you everything. And Carlos-" Logan choked on his friend's name and Carlos laid a hand on his shoulder. "Carlos never doubted me," he whispered. "You were fighting over me and I just let you. I didn't deserve to be a part of you anymore. I betrayed you and everything our relationship stood for."

"So that was the first time. After that I got the job of course and I didn't really think much of anything except doing drugs or dying. When I was high, I was fine. But when I wasn't?" Logan shivered. "I felt. . . so hopeless and out of control and I just wanted to die. I wanted to have never met you guys because then you never would have had to be so hurt. The higher I was, the harder I fell."

"Then I really fell," Logan sniffed as tears he could no longer hold back, spilled down his face. "I fell so hard and I couldn't get back up. I told you everything, probably because I was having some sort of sick hallucination. As soon as I did tell you though, I realized what I had done and that I no longer had any secrets. I thought for sure that you would hate me and that meant that I had absolutely nothing to live for." Logan swiped at his eyes. "You guys are everything to me," he whispered. "I was sure I had nothing left. Without you, there was no point in me living. I've always wanted to be loved, but I never knew how to be loved, I guess. I've always doubted myself."

"Because of your dad," Kendall said, forgetting that they weren't supposed to talk until Logan was finished.

Logan nodded. "Yeah," he admitted softly. "I thought that if my own dad couldn't love me, then no one could. I was so mad at myself for doubting you guys. There wasn't a single good reason. I was just too insecure. I didn't know where I fit in with the rest of you. You've always been there for me even when I tried to push you away."

"In the end, after I had told you everything, I thought for you that you would hate me. I took everything you had given me and I threw it all away. What kind of friend does that? What kind of person does that? I didn't want you to have to deal with me anymore and I didn't even want to live anymore. Seeing your pain and knowing I had caused it, was awful. I thought it would be best for everyone if I had never existed but since I was alive to begin with, the best I could do was end my life. It would end my pain and it would end your pain."

"But then you came after me and you cried and begged me not to leave. That's when I realized how wrong I had been since the very beginning. I couldn't understand why you all felt that way, but I knew that if I did die, then your pain would be ever worse. So I did my best to hold on. It was the least I could do."

Kendall could no longer stand it. He leaned forward and pulled Logan into a tight embrace, tears flowing freely. "Logie," he whispered. "Thank you. Thank you for holding on."

Logan started to sob then, clinging to Kendall as he shook so hard that he would have fallen off the bed if he didn't have Kendall holding onto him. But it wasn't just Kendall. Carlos and James were there too, the four boys wrapped so tightly together that it was hard to tell where one of them began and ended. "I'm sorry," he cried. "I was so wrong."

"You _were_ wrong," Kendall told him. "But it's over now, Logan. You're right again. Everything is right because we're all together again."

* * *

"This bus driver is going so slow!" Carlos complained, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at the man behind the wheel. Fortunately, the bus was crowded and he was in the back with Kendall and James. The guy, who looked like a pro wrestler with a bad temper, didn't hear him.

James laughed and gently nudged his younger friend with his elbow. "What's the hurry, Carlos?"

Carlos looked at him in disbelief even though he knew he was joking. "James, today we all get to see Logan and we can have fun today. We don't have to talk about what happened today. We did that yesterday and now. . . now we can just relax. Right?"

"Right," Kendall said with a satisfied smile. "And it sounds great to me."

Katie, sitting just ahead of the boys with her mother, turned around to look at them. "And," she said, her grin matching Kendall's, "We're _all_ here today. Not just me and mom or all of you guys. All of us. For the first time in forever."

"That's the best part," James agreed. "It's been way too long. It'll be almost like old times." It didn't matter to him that they wouldn't be at home with Logan. It didn't matter that they would be confined to schedules and regulations. All that mattered was that they were all together again. "Logan will love it."

"If Logan continues to improve the way he has," Mrs. Knight said with a smile. "He'll be able to come home with us soon."

"Is that what the doctors said?" Kendall asked, not bothering to try and tone down the excitement in his voice.

Mrs. Knight nodded and smiled. "I talked to someone on the phone just last night," she told them. "They told me that Logan has improved so much just in the past couple days. He was always doing fairly well, but he was struggling at times. He's sleeping better and they've been able to reduce the medication to help him get through the withdrawal."

"I wish I had visited him earlier," Carlos confessed, looking guilty and regretful. "I wish that I didn't walk away the first time I went to see him."

"Carlos," Kendall said gently. "He wasn't the only one who was struggling. We all were. In different ways. No one blames you for what happened. What matters now is that you guys are okay again. Right?"

Carlos sighed and nodded slowly. "Right. And there's nothing I can do about what happened except move on with Logan. That's all we want to do now. We can do it too. It just hurt a lot to see him so uncertain the second time I went to see him. He looked. . . so lost. I guess that was how I felt the first time."

"Makes sense," James told him understandingly. He looked up when he noticed that the bus was coming to a stop. "Here's where we get off," he reminded everyone, breaking the tension. "Let's go." The stop was only a block away from the rehab center and they all walked quickly to reach their destination so they could see Logan.

Carlos was ahead of everyone, eager to see Logan with absolutely nothing in between them. There was nothing Logan needed to explain and there was nothing left for them to say. They could finally begin their journey back to normal. Just up ahead he could see the front of the building, not nearly as intimidating as it had once been. Carlos quickened his pace even more now that they were even closer. More of the front came into view and suddenly he stopped short, not even noticing when James ran into him from behind and nearly knocked him over.

"Carlos, are you-" James stopped right in the middle of his question when his eyes landed on what Carlos was staring at. He felt the color drain from his face and a sickening fear clenched at his heart.

"Mom?" Katie whispered in fear, frozen for just a few seconds.

Mrs. Knight was staring at the ambulance too, her hand gripping Katie tightly, trying to offer some bit of reassurance. "The lights and sirens aren't on," she choked out. "They don't appear to be in any hurry. Maybe it was just a false alarm."

That's what Kendall wanted to believe too. The driver of the paramedic wasn't even in the vehicle, leaning against the side while he spoke into a device. They were too far away to see his face or hear what he was saying but he didn't look like they were in the middle of an emergency.

Then the front doors opened and Kendall saw that he was right about one thing. It wasn't an emergency. Two more paramedics walked slowly out, holding a stretcher in between them. There was a figure on the stretcher but Kendall couldn't tell who it was because. . . because there was a sheet draped over it. The kind of sheets that they put over bodies when the person was. . . dead.

Dead. The full realization hit Kendall and he nearly fell to his knees in shock. The paramedics were carrying a dead body out of the very building where Logan had been living. And even more frightening was the fact that the paramedics were followed by a stream of grief stricken people, both doctors and patients alike. Kendall scanned the crowds desperately but it soon became very obvious that Logan was not among them. Logan was nowhere to be seen.

**A/N. Is now a bad time to mention that I don't have the next chapter written and that I'm going away and I won't be back until Thursday?**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N. Well, okay, if "We're Married" was copied off of a Full House episode, than Dan Schneider is a copycat and Scott Fellows is a double copy cat. Lol. Oh, and I am going to go see my favorite band ever, Boyce Avenue, in October when they come to Philly! I am so excited! Also, I plan to propose to the lead singer, Alejandro, while I'm there, so wish me luck! Anyway. Now that I've joked and made fun of people (I love them by the way), this chapter. . . was really hard to write. I don't own anything.**

Carlos had only been to one funeral in his entire life so far. His great aunt Mary had died at the age of ninety-three when he was ten years old himself. He didn't remember much of what had happened. He had been old enough to understand the concept of death, but his great aunt had lived to be nearly one hundred years old and so the ceremony hadn't been very mournful. Actually, it had been more of a celebration of a long, well lived life. Great Aunt Mary would be missed, of course, but no one could say that she was taken from them too soon.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for this funeral. Carlos sat in the front pew of the church, reserved for close family and friends of their lost loved one. He was uncomfortable in his somber black suit and felt lost even though he knew perfectly well where he was and why he was there. The reason he felt so lost was because he was saying goodbye to someone well before their time. He knew that life wasn't fair, but death, he had decided, was much more unfair.

Why was it that there were so many terrible people in the world who lived long lives and did nothing but bring grief and heartache to others through their cold and heartless actions? Why were there people who decided for themselves, as if they were a god, who lived and who died? Why were there so many people who died well before their time?

They shouldn't be here, right now. Carlos hated every single second listening to the pastor talk about living each day to its fullest because no one was sure when their last day would be. He agreed with everything, but that didn't mean he wanted to listen to it. He didn't want to even think about it. Not right now. Right now, he wanted to be anywhere else in the world with his best friends where they were all safe and sound, happy and healthy. Yeah right. He wondered if that could ever come true again. They had been so close. And then, just like that, it had all ended.

It was a stupid heart attack. Though not altogether surprising and unexpected, it had shocked everyone. It had come out of nowhere. He hadn't seemed sick leading up to that day. He seemed perfectly fine, laughing and joking with everyone around him. Then, without warning, it happened, and everything they had worked so hard to build back up, had come crashing down. To the doctors, it made sense. The drug abuse had been too much for his heart and it had finally attacked and brought him down. But to Carlos, it didn't make any sense at all.

Sure, he had made some really stupid mistakes. Over and over again. The drugs, the stealing, the lies. All of it. But he was getting better, Carlos truly believed that. There would have been no relapse to set him back. He would have been released for good from the drug rehab center and gone on to live his life the correct way this time. He would have finished his education, gotten married, raised a family, had a successful career. And maybe, just maybe, he would have used his own life as an example to others. And it would have all worked out for the better in the end.

Now he was just another statistic. Someone that others would look at and refuse to believe that his downfall could become their downfall. Because they could say all they wanted to about him and the wonderful life that he had lived despite his problems. It wouldn't do nearly as much good as it would have if it were coming from him. He had been silenced forever.

* * *

_Carlos was the first to break from his frozen stance in front of the ambulance. Ignoring the grim faced paramedics and the shocked and distraught doctors, nurses, and patients, he shoved them all aside and hurried to the front door. He tripped going up the steps several times, nearly falling halfway up. He practically fell into the door, forcing it open and stumbling inside the building._

_More people. There were people everywhere. But not the one person that Carlos wanted to see. Not Logan. He shook his head as if he couldn't believe that his best friend wasn't down in the lobby among the growing crowds. Where was Logan? In his room? Where was his room? Carlos' mind had gone completely blank in the midst of his blind panic and he couldn't think straight. Where was Logan's room? He wanted to ask someone where it was. He wanted to ask someone if they knew where Logan was, because he couldn't possibly be the. . . dead person that the paramedics were taking to the morgue. There was no way. Not after Carlos just got him back._

_He surprised himself when he stopped to lean against the wall, a sob catching in his throat. This couldn't be happening. He thought of the day he had visited Logan and they had talked and everything had become right again. There had been that awful incident where Logan had trouble breathing and had to sit down. His heart. The nurse there had mentioned something about his heart and Logan had told Carlos that it was fragile. Was that it? That made some sort of horrifying, awful sense. But there was no way. Not Logan._

_Carlos snapped upright and took a deep breath. The others had just joined him, looking just as mute and paralyzed with fear as he felt. That didn't stop him though as he shoved off the wall and headed to the stairs, not willing to count on the elevator to take them up to the fifth floor without stalling. Five flights of stairs later, Carlos was struggling to breathe, both from fear and his wild rush._

_He had made it to Logan's floor, but he still couldn't remember where Logan's room was. The others were still. . . somewhere. For all Carlos knew, they could be right beside him or still down in the lobby. He wasn't aware of anything except the fact that he had to get to Logan and he had no idea where Logan was. He staggered down the hall, looking in open doorways and staring hard at the numbers on the closed doors as if they might help him remember._

_Then at last, he reached the first window and he remembered that Logan's room was directly to the left of it. It was closed. Carlos didn't knock or check to see if it was locked. Tears blinded him and he rammed his shoulder against the strong and solid wooden frame, nearly falling into the room when it gave rather easily. _

_Immediately, his eyes landed on the person sitting on the edge of his bed, staring blankly at the wall. Ignoring the tears that ran silently down his deathly pale face, Carlos threw himself down next to his friend and wrapped his arms tightly around him, giving into his own tears. "Logan," he sobbed, feeling like he might collapse from the relief that was overtaking him. "Logan, you're here. You're right here. You're okay!" _

_It didn't occur to him that Logan didn't even acknowledge his presence. All that mattered was that Logan was here, safe and sound, in his arms. Carlos didn't care about anything else. He was oblivious to everything else. Dimly, he heard footsteps as the others finally found them and then he and Logan weren't alone in the room._

"_Logan!" Mrs. Knight sat down on the other side of Logan and gently took him away from Carlos. "Thank God! Baby, we were so worried about you!" She pulled away just enough so that she could inspect him for any injury and it was then that she noticed that not everything was as wonderful as they thought. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, cupping his face between her shaking hands._

_Carlos stiffened and sat back, looking at Logan more carefully this time. He didn't appear to be hurt in any way. But he was slumped bonelessly against his mother, making no move to hug her back as she ran her fingers through his hair and kissed him gently, her tears falling freely. He didn't open his mouth to comfort any of them, to make them forget their earlier fears and now, their current fears. He was completely unresponsive. Before Carlos could say anything else, he realized something. Before they had come into his room, Logan had been completely alone. _

* * *

It was happening all over again. First Uncle Jerry, then Logan, and now Danny. James hadn't lost Logan. He almost had. But he had lost his favorite uncle and now he had lost the person who had saved Logan when he couldn't save him himself.

James felt naïve looking back now, but until Danny's sudden death, he hadn't been aware that heart attacks could afflict the young as well as the old. Danny hadn't even been twenty-one years old. James knew that drug abuse had deep, long lasting, grim consequences, but he hadn't been aware of just how bad things could be. He had stupidly, optimistically, assumed that as long as the drug use stopped, then. . . now he didn't know.

Sitting in the church pew now with Carlos on one side and Kendall on the other, with Logan right next to him, James didn't know what to think anymore. Way too much had happened for anything to make sense. Logan had gotten addicted to drugs, tried to kill himself, they had met Danny whom they had all hoped would remain their close friend, and then, Danny had died. It had been a whirlwind of emotionally trying months and just when they thought they were getting a break, they had been dealt the harshest blow yet.

Danny who had taught Logan better than anyone else could have that he could be forgiven and move on with his life. He had taught Logan that there was more than second chances. There were third chances and fourth chances and- But why did Danny have to run out of his chances? He had saved Logan's life in more ways than one and now he was gone.

Deep down, James knew that it wasn't anyone's fault. Yet, he couldn't help but be angry and just about everyone. He was angry at Danny for getting involved in drugs in the first place. He was angry at the doctors and nurses because in his mind, they should have been able to tell that something wrong was about to happen with Danny. He was angry at himself and pretty much everyone else for missing the same thing. Someone should have noticed that Danny's health wasn't as good as it appeared to be. And he was angry at Danny. Why didn't he say anything? Were heart attacks that subtle?

They hadn't even known him for that long, but Danny had done so much for them. They just hadn't been able to return the favor and that was probably the hardest part for James to accept. They had thanked him, sure, over and over again for all of his help. But that was all. They hadn't really done anything for him. Somehow James had imagined Danny getting out of rehab with Logan, because that would have been perfect. He would have stayed at one of their houses, gotten back in school, graduated, and then had a family and the rest would have had a happy ending. Too little, too late.

James heard someone sniffing to his left and he tensed before glancing over. In the next row, Jason and Carrie, Danny's best friend and girlfriend were sitting with their eyes straight ahead. He flinched, seeing the pain in their faces. They had known Danny for much longer than James and everyone else. They had been with him through all of his ups and downs. What in the world were they going through? He could see that Jason was still in a state of disbelief over the past several days while Carrie seemed well aware of her surroundings.

James had almost always had a "girlfriend" since seventh grade. But he had never understood how love could exist between two people so young. His parents had apparently been high school sweethearts but he had never been able to imagine them that young. Danny and Carrie had been different though. James was sure that they would have eventually gotten married. The only person who believed in Danny as much as Carrie had been Jason. Now, they were left behind. And they wore their pain for everyone to see.

* * *

"_Logan?" James couldn't accept what he knew until Logan told him. "Logan, where is Danny?" He hadn't noticed their older friend's absence right away because his relief at seeing Logan alive was far too great. But when Logan acted like he didn't even notice the five people in his room, James suddenly became more aware of their situation. Logan was alone. James could count on one hand the times that Logan had been completely alone while he was at the rehab. Even now, Danny wasn't there. He should have been there. _

_Logan didn't answer James. It was as if he didn't hear him. Unnerved, James set his hand on his friend's shoulder and gave him a gentle shake. "Logan, can you hear me? Where's Danny?"_

_At last Logan pulled away from his mother to look at James. He didn't have to answer. The sorrow in his eyes was enough. "He's gone," he whispered, his voice breaking. "He died."_

_By that point, it had become apparent to everyone that Danny's unusual absence was not by choice. Yet, Logan's words were still hard to hear. James bit his lip so hard he tasted blood. He shut his eyes as they filled with tears. "Logie," he said quietly. "Buddy, I'm-" Before he could finish speaking, hurried footsteps broke everyone's attention and made them look over to the door where Jason and Carrie had appeared. It was then that James fully realized what had just happened and all he could think about was everything that wouldn't happen now that Danny was gone. _

"_Have you see Danny?" Carrie asked in a tone that showed she was still clinging to her ignorance for her last bit of hope. But the devastation in Logan's face was her answer. Her legs gave out and Jason had enough sense left to help her over to the nearest chair. "We saw the ambulance," she whispered, her face turning white._

"_I saw it," Logan said, suddenly going back to his state of shock where he noticed nothing. "I saw it all."_

_Kendall moved than, embracing Logan and holding him close. Everyone else seemed to be struggling with their emotions. Relieved that Logan was alive, and yet learning that the young man who had saved him, was gone. "Logan," he said softly as Logan began to cry quietly. "I'm so sorry, buddy." Logan shook with a sob and returned the embrace, clinging to Kendall like he was afraid that his brother would leave suddenly as well. Kendall closed his eyes and begged for forgiveness, because all he could feel right now was complete bliss that it was Danny instead of Logan who had died._

* * *

Kendall glanced at Logan out of the corner of his eye. He hadn't spoken one word since the day Danny had died, lapsing into an eerie muteness that had them all worried and afraid. He went about his day as if it were any other normal day except for that he didn't talk. No matter how much they pleaded with him, nothing worked. It was as if he didn't know how to talk. Even now he was staring straight ahead as if he was in some sort of dreamland.

The doctors were worried about the setback he might have suffered with Danny's death. And as awful as it was, it made sense. Danny had been the one to take care of him for the two weeks when he wasn't allowed to have any visitors. Danny hadn't left his side. Danny had been his inspiration to try again. And now he was gone. Kendall thought that it would be enough to send anyone into such a state. But why did it have to be Logan? After everything that had happened. Had they had just gotten him back just to lose him completely this time? Danny couldn't save him now. Maybe no one could. Maybe it was already too late.

He hadn't even cried since that day. They had more or less given up until after the funeral. Then they would find yet another therapist to help him deal with his latest loss. Kendall was worried for more than one reason. What if Logan was unable to cope and he turned to drugs again? What if he tried to kill himself again? What if he simply wasted away into nothingness? He had already lost his mother and father and now a best friend. How much more would he be able to take? Kendall was afraid that Logan had reached his ultimate breaking point.

There was a movement off to the side and Kendall turned away from Logan to see Carrie moving to the front to speak. He looked back at Logan to see if his friend had reacted at all. Nothing. Kendall sighed helplessly and forced himself to look straight ahead again. There was absolutely nothing he could do for Logan yet. But he was determined to never come close to losing him ever again.

It was impossible to concentrate on what Carrie was saying. She went on about how she had met Danny in middle school when he and Jason had pulled sort of prank on her and the rest of the girls' softball team. She spoke with fondness in her voice and a small smile, but the loss was still too new to really appreciate it. Besides, Kendall was much too focused on Logan.

Finally, he seemed to be having an emotional reaction. At least he seemed to be more focused than he had been in days. Suddenly not caring if Carrie was still talking, Kendall leaned closer to his friend. "You okay, Logie?"

Logan jumped at the sound of Kendall's voice and turned to look at him. He opened his mouth as if he was about to speak and then, before Kendall could get his hopes up, closed it again, and simply shook his head. His eyes filled and he shot a quick glance back at Carrie before suddenly standing up and turning to leave the church.

Kendall stood up too, at the same time, holding out his hand to stop James and Carlos. The funeral didn't need anyone else leaving since it was already appalling small. "Stay," he whispered as Carrie faltered for a second, worried about Logan even throughout her grief. "I'll bring him back."

It had been a cloudy day to begin with and when Kendall followed Logan outside, the rain had just started to fall, suiting the mood perfectly. "Logan!" he called, quickening his steps. "Logan, wait!" He caught the smaller boy's arm and stopped him. "Hey," he said softly, wondering if it was okay to feel relieved that Logan was in tears.

They sat on the church steps and Kendall held Logan as he cried. Once again, Kendall didn't know what to say or do but it was clear, even though he still had yet to speak, that Logan wanted him there. He knew it would be completely pointless to tell him that things would get better because even if they would, it was going to take a long time. But at least they still had time.

**A/N. That was. . . depressing. I'm going to go. . . sit in my Weeping Corner and. . . write more angst. Maybe. There's two more chapters of this story and I can now update "TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY" so. . . yeah. We'll see. Review?**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N. The penultimate chapter. I've said that before with my other stories lol. It's one of my favorite words though so. Anyway. This is not a joking manner. -slapped- I don't own anything.**

Kendall had hoped that Logan's small breakdown during Danny's funeral would lead to him talking, or at least becoming a little more responsive. But that wasn't what happened. After he had run dry of tears, he stood up and walked straight back into the church where Jason was in the middle of talking. He took his seat at the front as if nothing had happened, oblivious to the worried stares he was receiving from everyone. He remained completely silent for the rest of the day. Three days later, he had yet to break that silence. A total of eight days had gone by since Logan had spoken, his last words telling them that he had witnessed the last minutes of Danny's life. Kendall missed his brother's voice. He missed with brother. He was too withdrawn and lifeless. It was frightening. Even James couldn't get him to talk.

The one comfort in all of this was that the rehab staff had allowed Kendall and the other boys to stay overnight with Logan now. They had moved him out of his old room, hoping that it would help him move on. His friends were terrified to leave his side and shadowed him constantly, hardly able to sleep at night even though they could see him for themselves. He was also seeing another therapist although since he wouldn't talk, it was hardly making any difference. They had done everything they could think of. Now they could only wait and pray that Logan would come back to them.

Kendall had an extraordinary amount of patience. He just knew that it wouldn't stay this way. Things had to change. Logan had to get better. They had been through too much. He refused to listen to any of the doctors' cautions about how it was common for people with cases similar to Logan's, to just ever talk again. It was common for these people to be institutionalized. But as Kendall constantly pointed out, it was also common for people like Logan to get better eventually. Eventually was all he needed.

Carlos wanted to believe what Kendall believed. But ironically, he had opted to not look at their situation either too optimistically like Kendall or even too pessimistically like the doctors. He took, of all things, the most realistic view. No one knew what was going to happen to Logan. Carlos was simply determined to be his best friend matter what. He didn't care if he sat and talked to Logan for twenty minutes and sounded like he was only talking to himself. Logan was alive and that was absolutely enough for him. Whatever happened, they were going to be okay as long as they had each other in whatever condition.

Most bizarre of all was probably James. The one who had continually held them together for so long was finally falling apart at a dizzying rate. He had only let Logan see him cry once but Kendall and Carlos had seen him at his absolute worst. He alternated between grief and anger and occasionally denial. Mostly, he struggled with a wild and confused desperation.

"I can't do this anymore!" James exclaimed as he and Kendall and Carlos reluctantly left Logan's side so their friend could go to a "physical and mental evaluation" as the doctor so delicately put it.

"James-" Kendall began even though he had no idea what he was going to say.

"Kendall, why won't he talk?" James demanded. He sounded close to tears and his voice broke on the last word. "Nothing we've done has helped him! Why? What's wrong with him?"

"I-I don't know," Kendall admitted helplessly. "James, if I knew what was wrong, then maybe I would know what to do. All the doctors will say is something about shock. I never even knew that shock could get that bad."

James was hardly comforted by Kendall's lack of words. He wasn't angry at his friend though, just frustrated that they were all failing to help Logan. "Why can't we help him?" he whispered. "Why won't he let us?" His hands ran through his already messed up hair and clutched at strands, pulling at it roughly as if it would help him think better. "Nothing is working! Nothing!"

Worried, Carlos frowned anxiously. "James," he said softly. "Maybe you should-"

He was cut off by James suddenly releasing all of his emotions and breaking his tense posture by slamming his left fist straight into the concrete wall of the building. Immediately, his whole arm was burning in an extraordinary amount of pain. Tears sprang to his eyes and he brought the injured hand close to his chest and wrapped the fingers of his other hand tightly around it.

"James!" Kendall shouted in shock. He moved quickly, wrapping an arm around the other boy's shoulders and leading him to the top step of the front porch. "Sit down for a second, okay? Can I see your hand?"

At first, James had zero desire to let go of his hand. For some reason, he felt as if holding it in a death grip would stop the pain from being so intense. However, it wasn't long before he realized that he was wrong and gave a reluctant nod. He dropped his uninjured hand to his lap, allowing Kendall to take his other hand.

"Sorry," Kendall apologized softly when James winced at his contact. He frowned at the large gash right across his friend's knuckles. It was bleeding far too much for his comfort. Kendall hated blood. "You need to get this checked out, buddy."

"What about-" James gasped slightly when Kendall's fingers brushed lightly over his pointer finger. "I think it's broken," he said, shutting his eyes and speaking through gritted teeth. "Kendall, what about Logan?"

Kendall felt torn. His best friend most likely had a broken hand and who knew what shape his heart was currently in. It was painfully clear that he was very close to a complete breakdown. He needed to go to the hospital. But the very last thing Kendall wanted to do was leave Logan alone once his "evaluation" was over.

"I'll take him," Carlos offered quietly. He took James' right arm and pulled him gently to his feet. "Here," he said, taking his jacket off and wrapping it carefully around James' hand.

"Carlos, no." James protested, his eyes beginning to fill. He was on the very edge. "It's cold out."

"It'll be warm in the bus and in the hospital." Carlos said simply. "Come on, the sooner we go, the sooner we can get back."

Kendall nodded and before his friends could leave, he pulled them in for a quick hug. "Thanks, Carlos." he says gratefully. "Call me if you need me."

Carlos gave him a brave smile and a mock salute. "Yes sir," he said, having no intention of taking Kendall away from Logan unless it was without a doubt necessary.

* * *

Carlos had been waiting and watching for James to break. It was only a matter of time. However, he had never expected his older friend to keep himself together for so long. The twenty-five minute bus ride and the ninety minutes wait in the ER, he was fairly quiet, keeping up a reluctant conversation so Carlos wouldn't panic. He checked his phone every five minutes to make sure Kendall didn't call. Now Carlos found himself alone in the waiting room, since the doctor had finally found time for James.

Of course, he didn't need to wait long. It had been about two hours since James had tried to put his fist through solid concrete and the end result was a fifteen minute examination with James returning with a black brace on his hand. "I broke it in three places," he announced to Carlos before finally falling apart.

Carlos didn't bother to hide a sigh of relief. "Sit down, Jay." he said gently. He set a hand on James' back and rubbed it in soothing circles while James cried. "It's okay to cry every once in a while, James. It's okay to be angry and frustrated. It's okay to fall apart."

"N-no it's n-not," James sobbed uncontrollably. "You guys n-need me to b-be s-strong."

"James, you have been strong!" Carlos told him, wishing for Kendall even though he was glad Kendall had stayed with Logan. "You've been too strong for too long, James. Let us help you for a change, all right? Let us be strong for you right now."

James tried to take a deep breath and wound up choking slightly. "I don't. . . I don't know h-how," he finally managed in a slightly breathless voice.

"Just. . ." Carlos trailed off and paused as he thought of what to say next. "Just let us. This is perfectly fine right now, James."

"It's not," James disagreed stubbornly. "I'm weak and that's not okay, Carlos."

Frustrated, Carlos whacked James over the head just hard enough to catch his attention. "Listen to me," he said firmly, deciding to forget about thinking and let the words come naturally. "You have been absolutely incredible throughout this whole mess, James. But you're still human. You're not perfect. I'm surprised that you haven't fallen apart like this sooner. We've all been through so much but I think you've been a little ignored."

"What do you m-mean?" James asked, looking confused as he fought to slow his tears.

"I mean, that this obviously brought up a lot of bad memories about your uncle. I mean that I know how part of you blames yourself for letting all of this happen. I mean that compared to me and Kendall, you've never really opened up about your emotions. I mean that after Logan, you were the closest to Danny out of the four of us. You lost a really good friend even though you didn't know him for that long. I mean that you've been hurting just as must as the rest of us and until now, you've never really shown how scared you are."

At first, James was quiet except for the occasional loud sniff as his tears finally slowed and then ceased all together. Then he nodded slowly and spoke in a hoarse voice. "You're right," he whispered. "About everything. I just-" he took a deep breath, giving himself time to calm down. "I'm just so. . . confused, Carlos. I'm feeling so much and I don't know what feelings are the right ones."

"You can talk, you know." Carlos told him gently.

James nodded and fell silent for a short while. "I guess," he finally began. "That most of me is still angry that I- that we, let all of this happen. It all comes right back to that stupid tour and how blind we all were." "We're all to blame," Carlos said soberly. "All of us. Not just you, James." "I know," James said a little hesitantly. "I just wish I could go back in time and change everything so that Big Time Rush never even existed. I just want Logan back."

"We do have Logan back," Carlos surprised James by saying. "James, he'll never be the same. None of us will. We're all changed forever. Logan may be a little more damaged than we would like, but that's not what matters. What matters is that he's alive. He's still Logan. We do have him back. And this time, we're going to keep him."

"Okay," James shut his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out in one long exhale. The tension drained out of his body and he seemed suddenly exhausted. "Okay. You're right, Carlos. We do have Logan back. That's all that matters right now."

"Exactly," Carlos said, glad to see James relax a little. "We'll just take it one day at a time, all right?"

"Yeah," James nodded and smiled slightly. "Thanks, Carlos. I needed to hear that."

"Any time, James" Carlos told him, returning his smile. "Now, let's go see Logan and Carlos. Sound good?"

James' smile grew even wider. "Sounds great to me." He let Carlos help him stand up and they left the hospital together, more than ready to see their two best friends.

* * *

Shortly after James and Carlos left, Logan returned as quiet as ever. Kendall listened absentmindedly as the therapist told him yet again that no obvious progress had been made. He ignored the man completely when he started bringing up names of institutions in the state of Minnesota. Logan wasn't crazy. They weren't going to send him away to be locked up like a prisoner. "Come on, Logan." he said softly, wrapping an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders. "Let's go back to your room. You look tired." Logan looked exhausted and it scared Kendall because all he could think about was the disastrous tour last summer and how he had struggled with sleeping.

Without a word, Logan let Kendall lead him out of the therapist's room and down the hall to the elevator. He trailed after his brother like a lost puppy and obediently sat down in the arm chair once they reached his bedroom. Folding his hands in his lap, he stared straight ahead with a blank expression on his face.

Kendall studied him carefully. There had to be something they hadn't tried, something that would get Logan talking again. "Logie," he ventured, blinking back the automatic tears when Logan failed once again to respond. "Logan, please talk to me. Just. . . one word. Anything. Please, Logan."

But Logan didn't even blink. After a while, he sighed and cast his gaze down to his hands. It was like Kendall wasn't even there and he was just by himself. Kendall refused to give in though. He cleared his throat and started to talk about the first thing that came to his mind. "Remember when we met?" he asked, not expecting an answer. "I know we were only five, but it's still one of my clearest memories. My dad took me skating." Kendall gave a short laugh. "Can you believe that I hated it at first? I was so afraid of falling and getting hurt. I kept begging my dad over and over to take me home." Was it just his hopeful imagination or had a sparkle of interest lit up Logan's eyes before dying down in the very next instant?

"Anyway," Kendall went on. "I'm glad that my dad didn't take me home like I wanted him to. I might have never met you, James and Carlos. I don't care if that's when I discovered my love of hockey, Logan. What I remember more than anything else from that day is you three." He had no idea where he was going with this conversation but he kept going anyway. "After that day, we've been inseparable, haven't we? I bet our parents never thought that we would stick together. We're also different, you know? But I guess that's what works. It's not really a case of opposites attract. More that we. . . complete each other? Or is that too gay Tom Cruise?" This time Kendall was sure he saw a flicker of a smile on Logan's face. "Well, however you describe how we work, I'm really glad we do. And Logie, we always will work, okay? No matter what happens. We'll always be here for you. I promise." Kendall had officially ran out of things to say. He fell silent, allowing his words to sink in.

"Kendall?"

Kendall's heart stopped for a second and then started back up again. Holding his breath, he turned to look at Logan who was looking straight back at him with more alertness than he had seen in days. Kendall had almost forgotten the sound of Logan's voice and now it was as familiar as it had always been. Finally. Logan's first word in over a week and it belonged to Kendall alone. "Logan," he said as tears filled his eyes. "What is it, bro?"

Logan tilted his head so that it rested on Kendall's shoulder. "I miss him," he spoke again, his voice quiet and slightly hoarse from being underused.

For once, it made Kendall feel better when Logan started to cry, rather than make him feel worse like it always had. It wasn't as good as hearing him talk, but he was doing that too. Quickly, Kendall sat up so he could pull Logan into a close hug. "I know," he murmured as Logan cried. "We all do, buddy."

"It's not f-fair though!" Logan exclaimed as forcefully as he could. The effort was too much for his sore throat and he broke into a coughing fit. When he had regained his breath, he forced himself to calm down. "I should be dead right now. Not Danny."

Kendall shook his head and tightened his arms around Logan. "No, Logan." he whispered fiercely. "You're wrong. Danny shouldn't be dead, you're right about that. But you shouldn't be dead either."

"He is- I mean, was a better person than me," Logan said sorrowfully.

"No," Kendall disagreed again but gently. "Logan, the two of you were really different. But both of you were and still are, absolutely wonderful people."

Logan was quiet for some time, trying to stop his tears. "It's not fair though," he finally said again, sounding confused. "I don't know what to do right now, Kendall. I'm scared."

Thinking carefully, Kendall didn't answer right away. Part of him was having trouble concentrating on the conversation because he couldn't believe that a conversation was actually taking place. Logan was talking again. That was all that mattered. But he knew that he had to focus for his best friend. "Well," he said slowly. "We're all scared, Logan. But I believe we can get through this together. And like I told you, we will always be together. So no matter what happens, we'll be okay."

"I believe you," Logan said after a while. "Thank you, Kendall. You and James and Carlos and Mom and Katie mean everything to me." A pained look came into his eyes and his voice became even quieter. "Even though I might not have shown it. I'm still so sorry for everything, Kendall. Every day I wish it never happened."

"Logie, you mean everything to us, okay? And that means that just because you messed up really badly this time, it doesn't mean that we're going to give up on you. There is nothing you could do to change that."

Logan smiled a little and relaxed against Kendall. "Thank you," he said again because he could never say it enough.

They were quiet then, each lost in his own thoughts. Logan, thinking about Danny and how he had to do something to remember his friend. Kendall, thinking of nothing but the sound of Logan's voice and how he wanted him to never stop talking, even for a minute. After a few minutes, he heard Logan sigh thoughtfully and looked over. "What's up, buddy?" he asked softly.

Logan shrugged. "It's nothing really," he said quietly. He cringed when Kendall glared a little at him. "It's silly," he whispered.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Try me," he said patiently.

Still, Logan was hesitant. He spoke so quietly that Kendall had to lean closer to catch every word. "I want to go home."

Kendall relaxed and smiled. He gave Logan a gentle hug. "Soon, Logan." he promised. "Soon." After all, he could finally believe that they were well on their way once again.

**A/N. I'm. . . missing "Big Time Wedding" tonight. So let me know how it is, okay? Thanks guys. Love ya. -heart- One more chapter! And it should be posted tomorrow. We're having company, but it's already written so I just have to edit it. If everything goes as planned, this story will be finished tomorrow! **


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N. Fun Fact #1: I wrote this chapter MONTHS ago. Like, last winter or something. I actually love it. Fun Fact #2: I. . . didn't like "Big Time Wedding" that much. The Budda Bob storyline was waaaaaaay more interesting lol. James' hat looked like a giant turd and their outfits reminded me of Amidala from Star Wars. However, I kinda loved Dirt Boy lol. He was adorable. -heart- Anyway. I don't own anything. **

When Logan woke the next morning, he didn't need to open his eyes to know that it was very early. No light penetrated through his closed eyelids and all around him, the world was completely silent. For the first time in a long time, Logan felt at peace. So it was only natural for him to be afraid of opening his eyes and find that the peace was only an illusion. Maybe he was dreaming and he wasn't really home. However, as he continued to lay there as still as possible, a realization dawned upon him: He wasn't alone.

A pair of arms was wrapped tightly around his waist and every few seconds, a warm breath tickled the back of his neck where someone had their head buried into his shoulder. Logan wanted to turn around to see who was behind him but another pair of arms was holding his head very gently, preventing it from moving at all. Every once in a while, fingers ran through his hair in a caring gesture and finally, when a pair of lips pressed a loving kiss to his forehead, Logan found the nerve to open his eyes. "Mom?" he whispered, sure she would disappear as soon as he spoke.

But the woman who had been his mother since he was a fourteen-year-old orphan was real. She greeted him with a small smile, the sadness in her blue eyes lifting very slightly as she did so. "Good morning, sweetheart." she whispered in return. "Did you sleep well?"

Logan nodded. He couldn't remember a time in his life when he had slept so well and so naturally. At the thought of sleeping, he recalled how that was where his problems had started and tears blurred his eyesight, threatening to overflow. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'm so sorry." He could never apologize enough for what he had done to his family and friends. He would never forgive himself even if they had.

"Logan," She cupped his face in her hands and wiped away the stray tears that made it past the blockade. "Don't cry, baby. Everything will be okay. You're home now. That's what matters to me. To all of us."

"B-but," Logan stammered, shying away from the comfort he didn't deserve. "I was so horrible. I put you all through hell. I-I just-"

"Logan, listen to me." The gentle voice was still soothing but it had grown slightly firmer now as she sought to convince Logan that all was forgiven. "You made some very wrong choices, I won't argue with that. And nearly losing you the way we did was awful. But it wasn't hell. Hell would have been losing you altogether. You came back to us." She cradled him as close as she possibly could with the other pair of arms restricting her just slightly. "Thank you for coming home, Logan."

A strangled sob tore itself from Logan's tight throat and he turned slightly to bury his face deep in his pillow, shaking hard. He didn't deserve the outpouring of love and affection and forgiveness that he had received since his secret had been discovered. He had hurt the people he loved the most so badly. They were damaged and scarred for life and it was all his fault.

"Logie?" The arms around Logan's waist tightened their hold for just a moment and then loosened as Kendall released him and sat up. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

But Logan only cried harder so he couldn't answer. He felt his mother take him into her arms, holding him close and he heard her whispering to him through her own tears. Slowly, her voice began to drown out the voices of the demons in his head and he was able to relax a little. He sighed deeply, the sobs coming to a halt, but silent tears continued to stream down his pale face. "I-I'm okay," he whispered to Kendall who was still watching him with great concern.

Kendall echoed his sigh and lay back down, staying close all the while. "You scared me," he admitted, shamelessly. He heard Logan draw in a sharp breath and shook his head. "Don't apologize, Logan. I'm just glad you're okay."

There was a movement at the foot of the bed and Logan tilted his head just in time to see Katie sit up, her brown eyes wide with worry and sorrow. A wave of confusion washed over him but before he could ask, his little sister crawled over and settled herself between him and their mother. "We couldn't sleep," she said, offering him an explanation. "So we all came in here with you." She looked up at him, her young face aged with the horror of the recent experiences. "That's okay, right?"

It took all of Logan's strength to restrain from crying again. The lump in his throat had returned and his eyes glistened with tears once more. He nodded, wordlessly. It was more than okay. "Thank you." he was finally able to whisper.

Another sigh escaped Kendall but it was of contentment this time. "It's so great to have you back, Logie." he said with a real smile on his tired face. "We missed you." Even though he and his family and James and Carlos and their families had visited Logan every day at the rehab center, it had never been enough. At the end of the day they were still forced to say goodbye over and over again and it never got any easier. Their journey was nowhere close to the end but it was getting better now that Logan was home where he belonged. And Kendall was confident that it would continue to get better.

"Yeah," Logan agreed softly, meaning more in the one word than even he could comprehend. He had never felt so safe in all his life, than he did at that moment in time. Surrounded by his family with James and Carlos only a phone call away, he could begin to hope that his nightmare was finally coming to an end. A yawn gripped him then, cracking his jaw painfully. "W-what time is it?" he asked, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Only 6:00 in the morning." Kendall let go of Logan long enough to twist around and look at the alarm clock on the nightstand. "Maybe you should try and get some more sleep, little brother."

_Little brother_. Logan blinked back more tears, wondering if he could ever make it through a day without crying. Obviously not today. He cleared his throat and tried to joke. "I'm only two months younger than you." he said in a false protest.

"Mm, but you're what, three inches shorter than me?" A tiny laugh escaped Kendall and he lifted a hand to gently tousle Logan's hair. "I'd say you're pretty little."

Logan's heart ached slightly at the sound of Kendall's laugh. He wanted so badly to hear it the way it had always been, loud and contagious, not the hollow, empty sound. _Maybe one day_. He told himself. Then, _No, not maybe. For real. One day. Eventually. Things will be okay again._ Before he could answer Kendall, his stomach growled slightly and he realized how hungry he was. He hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon.

"Do you want to try and get some more sleep or do you want me to make you something to eat?" his mother asked him, propping herself up on an elbow and brushing Katie's hair out of her eyes.

Logan thought for a minute and then sat up slowly. "I'm hungry." he admitted shyly. He closed his eyes, startled when she leaned in close to kiss him gently on the temple before getting up, saying that she'd have breakfast ready soon.

Katie got up too and with one last smile at both of her big brothers home where they belonged, followed her mother out of the bedroom and downstairs to the kitchen.

Kendall stood up and helped Logan to his feet. "Well?" he asked hopefully. "How does it feel to be home?"

"It's the best," Logan answered, leaning forward and allowing Kendall to embrace him. He jumped slightly at the sound of footsteps pounding quickly up the steps and then stared in surprise when James and Carlos burst into the room. "What-" he managed to get out one word before both of his friends had him squished between them.

"We were waiting and waiting for you to get up!" Carlos exclaimed, pulling away to let Logan catch his breath.

Logan looked at Kendall for help but he seemed just as confused. "Where. . . where _were_ you guys?" he asked.

James grinned. "On your front porch." he said with a shrug. "When we saw your mom and Katie come down, we knocked and they let us in."

"But it's only. . ." Logan glanced at the clock. 6:09. "It's so early. How long were you guys out there?"

"You could have stayed overnight." Kendall broke in, looking half amused and half apologetic.

"We weren't waiting long," Carlos assured them. "Since. . ." He glanced at James.

"5:30 maybe?" James guessed, looking far from tired despite the early hour. "Anyway, enough about us." His smile faded and he grew serious. "How are you feeling, Logan?" He stepped backwards and held Logan at arms length, keeping a firm grip on his shoulders.

"Better than I have in a long time." Logan said quietly. "And I just keep getting better. I'm just so glad to be home and everything. I knew I missed it while I was. . . away but I didn't realize how much I missed it until today."

Carlos nodded in agreement. "Now we can see you whenever we want!" he said happily. "Just like old times!" He didn't care if things had changed forever. All he cared about was that Logan was home and in one piece and healing more every day. Sure, there might be a setback and that scared him. But Carlos knew they would make it through in the end. The hardest part was over.

"Wanna head downstairs?" Kendall asked, sniffing the air appreciatively as the smell of sausage and pancakes drifted up from the kitchen.

Logan covered his mouth as he yawned again, cringing when his friends automatically looked concerned. "I'm okay," he told them honestly. It felt so good to be telling the truth again. "Let's go." He led the way as they all followed their noses down the stairs and into the Knight family kitchen where Mrs. Knight and Katie were in the middle of cooking a delicious breakfast.

James stumbled slightly, tripping over his own two feet as he tried to pull out a chair for Logan without making a big deal. He returned Logan's grin with his own smile and then sat down next to him. He bounced slightly in his chair, way too happy to stay perfectly still for any period of time. Logan was home. They had Logan back.

As happy as Logan was, there was a cloud of sorrow that seemed intent on hanging over his head. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't forget, even for a moment, how much he had hurt everyone. Especially Kendall, James and Carlos who had been with him from the start of his troubles. They still blamed themselves and it killed Logan to know that nothing he could say could ease their guilt. Kendall, who had been looking after all of them since they were five, James who felt he should have recognized the signs of drug addiction because of his uncle, and Carlos who had trusted Logan until the very end. And yet, they forgave him. And then there was Danny whom Logan missed more than anyone would understand. He wished that his older friend was there to celebrate with the rest of them.

"Logan?"

He looked up to see everyone watching him carefully. A faint blush colored his cheeks and he watched their worried faces ease into smiles. "Sorry, I was just thinking. What did you say, Katie?"

"Milk or orange juice?" Katie asked again with more patience then people twice her age had. When she received her answer, she handed her mother the milk and then poured Logan a glass of orange juice, setting the carton on the table before impulsively throwing her arms around her brother. She rested her head on his chest, hating how skinny he still was, but smiling when she felt the strong and steady heartbeat against her ear. "I love you," she whispered so only he could hear.

"Love you too, baby sister." Logan murmured back, using the nickname that Kendall had always used. "Thanks for not giving up on me."

Katie pulled away and smiled at him. "Never." she said, voicing a promise that all of them would keep. "I'm never giving up on you." She reluctantly stood back up and went around the table where she sat between Kendall and her mother, staring at Logan all the while so she knew she wasn't dreaming and that it was all a wonderful reality.

"I never would have made it this far without all of you," Logan said, his voice shaking with emotion. "I know I've said this before but I'm so sorry for how much I hurt you. Just. . . thank you for everything. I wish I could make it up to you somehow."

"You are," Kendall assured him. "We're proud of how far you've come, Logan. I know it hasn't been easy and I also know that. . . that we might hit some rough patches here and there. But we'll always be here for you."

"I know," Logan whispered, at last giving up on holding back whatever tears he somehow still had left. "That's how I know I'll be okay."

* * *

"Kendall?"

Kendall turned at the sound of Logan's voice to see his brother standing in the doorway of his bedroom, a raised first poised to knock on the open door. "Hey," he greeted with a smile. "What's up?"

Logan returned his smile with a tiny grin. "Um," he began nervously. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," Kendall beckoned with one hand, setting it on Logan's shoulder when the other boy came in the room. "Have a seat." Concern clouded the curiosity in his eyes. "It's been a long day."

Logan nodded in agreement and obeyed, sitting on Kendall's bed. He dropped his hands into his lap and twisted his fingers together. "I want to tell you something," he began. "Is that okay?"

"Of course," Kendall said, sitting down next to him. "What's on your mind, buddy? Is everything okay?"

Seeing how he already had Kendall worried, Logan hurried to reassure him. "Yeah. Everything is great. I'm just not sure what to say right now. It's nothing bad though. Really. At least, I don't think-"

"Logan." Kendall interrupted gently. "You can tell me anything. You know that now, right?" He frowned when Logan didn't meet his gaze. "Logan?"

Logan cleared his throat. "Sorry," he apologized. "I was just thinking. So, today. Today was a pretty good day, don't you think?" He sneaked a quick glance at Kendall to see his reaction.

Kendall relaxed and smiled. "Yeah," he said with a light chuckle. "Today was pretty good." He punched Logan lightly in the arm. "Logan, today is tied for my favorite day ever."

Logan raised his eyebrows, slightly confused. "What do you mean? What was your favorite day before?" He couldn't help but smile though.

"Really?" Kendall asked dryly. "You mean you don't know?"

He honestly didn't. Logan shrugged and shook his head sheepishly. "Sorry. Want me to guess?"

Looking at him like he was sure he was joking, Kendall nodded. "Yeah. Go ahead."

"Okay," Logan looked around the room, thinking there might be a hint. His eyes landed on the framed picture of their ten-year-old hockey championship. "That day?" he asked, pointing across the room.

"You're kidding me." Kendall's jaw dropped and he stared at Logan in disbelief. "Okay, Logan, I might be a little obsessed with hockey but what do I love more?"

A faint blush heated up Logan's face. "Friends and family." His eyes lit up then. "I bet I know now! The day we met, right?"

Kendall smiled. "Close," he conceded. "But we were only five so it's not that clear. My two favorite memories now are really clear. Today was one of them so what do you think the other is?"

"Honestly?" Logan said. "I have no idea." He looked closely at Kendall. "Should I?"

Kendall groaned and slapped his palm to his forehead. "Yes!" he exclaimed with a laugh. "Does July 28th ring a bell, Logan?"

Logan's smile froze and he stared speechlessly at Kendall.

Kendall stopped laughing and turned completely serious. "Logan? What's wrong? Was it something I said?" He nervously touched Logan's shoulder and gave him a small shake. "Talk to me, Logie." he begged.

"July 28th," Logan finally repeated in a whisper. "But Kendall, that was the day-"

"That was the day we adopted you." Kendall finished for him. "Yeah."

Logan was stunned into a brief silence. "But," he finally managed. "But, why?"

"Why not?"

"Because," Logan started and stopped because he could not think of a single argument. "It's my favorite day too."

"Logan, I've always thought of all three of you guys as my brothers. So when you really did become part of my family, it was amazing. I wish you didn't have to lose your parents. I wish we could have been brothers in the first place."

"I miss them," Logan says softly. "Yes, both of them. Kendall, my dad used to be a great person. He wasn't-"

"He nearly ruined you." Kendall disagreed.

Logan was patient. "He wasn't completely to blame for my actions." he reminded Kendall. "I made all of those really bad choices on my own."

Kendall still disagreed but he let it go for the time being. He was happy, Logan was happy. He didn't want to ruin the moment. "Well, anyway, when your dad first died, I was scared. I was so scared of losing you, Logan. I was afraid that you'd get taken away and we'd never see you again. So when we adopted you ourselves. . . I thought I would never have to worry about losing you."

"But you did," Logan said sadly. "Didn't you?"

A lump grew in Kendall's throat and he nodded. "Yeah," He wrapped am arm around Logan's shoulders. "Just in a way that I never thought possible." The two boys were silent for a while and then Kendall took a deep breath. "Anyway, now you know my two favorite days."

Logan smiled. "That really means a lot, Kendall." he says gratefully. "I mean to know that we share some favorite memories."

"That's why we're best friends," Kendall told him. "I bet Carlos and James would agree, at least about today anyway."

"I still have a hard time believing that this is real," Logan confessed. "It seems to good to be true. Everything. I'm getting better every day, I'm home, you guys forgave me for everything. . ." he trailed off and shook his head. "I don't know what to think."

"You don't have to think about this," Kendall said quietly. "Some things don't need reasons or explanations. They're enough on their own."

"More than enough," Logan sighed. Anyway, while we're still on the subject of family, I have something I want to ask you."

"Right!" Kendall recalled. "I'm sorry, Logie. I guess we got a little distracted. Go on."

Logan took a deep breath and pulled away from Kendall to straighten up. "Okay, so," he began. "I'm not really sure how to say this so I might ramble a little." He saw Kendall nod in understanding and cleared his throat so he could continue.

"I was little when my mom died so I don't remember her as much as I wish I did. But I do remember that I never really felt like I didn't have a mother. Kendall, your- I mean, our mom, always took such good care of me that I felt like I was a part of your family. And when my dad stopped. . . being a dad, I always had Carlos' father."

At the mention of Mr. Garcia, Kendall smiled and nodded in agreement. One would have to be blind to miss the affectionate relationship between the police chief and Logan. "He's always been exactly what you need, Logan."

"Yeah," Logan said quietly with a small smile. "I've never been without what I need. I always had a mom, I always had a dad, and I always had three best friends and brothers. I always had a family. I realize that now."

Logan looked down at his hands in his lap. "Even after all the lies I told you and even after everything I did and all the pain I caused you, you still took me back. You didn't leave me." He saw Kendall open his mouth and went on. "Oh sure, at first it was just James and Mom and Katie. But I never expected anyone to be with me anyway. I still have everyone."

"Of course you do," Kendall told him. "And I'm so glad you feel that way, Logan. I know you won't agree with me but I will always regret not being there for you from day one. I'll always be grateful that James stepped up when we needed him. I don't know what we would have done if-"

"I think," Logan said slowly. "That you would have come eventually. Whether I deserve you guys or not, I know you'll always be there for me. Which brings me to my question." Without waiting for Kendall to tell him to go on, he blurted it out in a nervous hurry. "Kendall, I want to change my last name to Knight, is that okay with you?" When Kendall didn't answer him right away, he babbled on. "See, I'd like to keep my original last name because it was my parents' and they're still a part of me. I'd change it to Logan Mitchell Knight. But only if you're okay with it. I asked you before Mom or anyone else because. . . I just thought it seemed right. But I can understand if you don't want me to so if you do then-"

Kendall cut Logan off by pulling him into a close embrace. "I guess I was wrong," he says quietly.

Logan stiffened when he heard tears in Kendall's voice. "What were you wrong about?" he asked tentatively.

"I didn't think this day could get any better." Kendall said tearfully. "But it did."

"Meaning you don't mind?" Logan asked hopefully. He risked a glance at Kendall to see the other boy's eyes filled with tears.

Kendall shook his head. "Logan," he began in a voice that shook with emotion. "It would mean the world to me."

"Really?" Logan had been unprepared for that reaction. "I wasn't sure because I don't even know if I deserve it. And even then it's kind of just a name to a lot of people. But it was never just a name to me. It's who I am now."

"It's who you've always been. You've always been a part of this family Logan." Kendall said softly. "To me, to Mom, and to Katie. Even before it was official or whatever. As far as I'm concerned, you became my brother the day we met. I'd love for you to change your name, Logan. I can't tell you how much it would mean to me." He took a deep breath and laid a hand on Logan's shoulder. "But only if you're positive, Logan. I guess it wouldn't be that big of a change if you kept Mitchell as your middle name but I want you to be sure anyway."

"I am sure," Logan said with a confidence that Kendall hadn't seen in a very long time. "As sure as I was when Mom first asked me if I wanted you guys to adopt me."

"Okay then," Kendall nodded and smiled through his tears. "Logan Mitchell Knight," he said thoughtfully. "I really like the way it sounds, Logan. So natural."

"You really think so?" Logan looked slightly surprised.

Kendall gave a small laugh. "Yeah, but it might have something to do with the fact that I always used to pretend you and James and Carlos had the same last name as me. I guess you could say this is a dream come true for me."

"Kendall, I don't know what to say." Logan shook his head. "I had no idea it would mean this much to you. Especially after all that's happened."

"Everything that happened makes it mean even more," Kendall said firmly. "I think it made us even closer as a family." He hugged Logan tightly. "Even though I'll always wish it didn't happen, Logan, everything was worth it because we got to keep you."

"I won't ever try to leave again," Logan promised, knowing for sure that he was telling the truth. "I know I can tell you anything and I won't have to deal with anything by myself. And I promise that I will come to you or someone else if I need to."

"I believe you," Kendall said with a smile. "After all, that's what friends and _families_ are for."

**A/N. Another happy ending. I like them best. So thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed this story. It's been way more encouraging than you'll ever know. You guys are just the best, okay? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I plan to update "TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY" soon but I might write something. . . happier first to get death off of my mind because lately I'm feeling surrounded by it. So. . . yeah. Sorry skfgergrthtr. One finaly thank you! I couldn't have finished this without your support!**


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